My Life as a Zombie
July 1998
Dear Diary.
I seem to have a problem. Every time I drunkenly stumble upon a S.T.A.R.S agent I seem to get shot at. They eventually run away in horror when they find themselves out of bullets. Buncha pansies...back in my day when I was alive I stood fear in the face and said "duuuurrrrrr....", but that was along time ago.
Now I seem to not be able to walk like I used to. My arms are losing their skin, and I seem to be going slightly blind. I feel hungry all the time, and it's usually cold. I feel like a heroine addict. I wish there was something to crave my hunger, but nothing seems to work except people. That Jill Valentine though...she looks pretty tasty. Mmm...Jill tasty... Not too long ago I saw her she ran away screaming something like "OH MY GOD! WTF IS THAT?!?!" what a loser...all I could say was "Urrrgghaaaaaaa...duuur..." while my emotionless expression fazed all.
I stumbled off to the next room pondering as to how to open a door. They suddenly seem to open on their own... The surrounding go black except for the door, and it makes a weird creaking sound. Someone should really get those checked. I tried to put some oil on it, but one of my fingers fell off...imagine that...the one humans er...zombies need most "the thumb". I can't grasp anything let alone take hold of a persons arm. How am I supposed to eat? I mean my god what the hell? Good thing I'm left handed.
So anyway...I found one of the guard dogs. Damn they look scary. I walked over to it saw it eating a dead body and thought "Hey...I should try that!" I did find human bodies to be so tasty. Mmm...Jill... I mean...mm...Jill...
September 1999
Dear Diary,
Took me awhile but I finally found this damn book! Damn you Nemesis. What with his S.T.A.R.S...what with Jill...so obsessed...Mmm...Jill...so anyway I finally lost my legs. Rotted away pretty slooooow. I managed to use my arms to find this place, but took a long time with only having food on my mind. Mmm...Jill...I'm starting to think she's all I think about...JILL I LOVE YOU! Uh...scratch that...coughcough Why did I write that...Oh well. Time has passed...and...she...went away...damn you Nemesis...stole my bi0tch. A lot of my friends are dead....Mmm...friends. Id rather their bodies go to a noble cause. So I ate them. I'm gonna miss you guys...mmm...friends...
Mmm...Jill.
October 2002
Dear Diary, (found you again DAMN YOU NEMESIS!! HOW ARE YOU COMING BACK!?)
This new chick Alice came in. She's one tough bi0tch. I mean really her skin is so tough it's like "DAMN WOMAN WHAT YOU BEEN EATIN." So anyway she ends up trying to kill me. What she was doing in Raccoon city I have no idea...oh well...at least she's better looking that Jill...Mmm...Jill, and that first scene with her in the shower. If only her skin wasn't so tough, id'a eaten her a long time ago. Damn you ageing teeth! Speaking of teeth, they fell out again. Third time this week. And third time this... uhm... hmm... I dunno. October's pretty cold. Not that I can tell, what with being dead and all. I'm just assuming, you know. Mmm... Jill...
May 2003
Dear Diary,
I sure have been missing a lot of month, I've only written like once a year! That kinda happens when you get your damn hand shot off by some loser who doesn't even know how to use the damn handgun! What an idiot! If I had my thumb, I'd show him who was dead!
But anyway, there have been a lot of people coming around Raccoon lately. It didn't really bug me. My buddies, and me that were zombies of course, got together and decided to take a little trip to an Ani-Con! I do love those cat girls! It makes me think of Jill in a cat costume... then I eat her. Mmm... Jill. While on the way, we got a bit lost. Freddy went into this bar to ask for some directions, but the idiot's hunger took over and he started to eat this guy. Well, I thought our Con as ruined so I went on ahead and decided to take a quick bite to eat, and then all the people in the bar started to scream again. DAMN! That gets so annoying. I'd like to have a quiet meal now and then, you know? Anyway... there were three major dorks in that bar that just kept walking around until the figured out they were supposed to go up the stairs and out that one door. The kept talking to each other, one guy kept saying "Your timing sucks!" and another said "Hell no!" to a girl who screamed "Help me!!" That was kinda funny. But still, I ate a few bites off a couple of people and went back for my stroll to the con. Just cuse Freddy's an idiot doesn't mean I'm gonna waste my chance at seeing Jill... mmm... Jill.