Sorry for not updating, but I'm back! Tada! With a new chapter of Legolas's "exciting" love life. Read and yearn, because marrying rocks where I come from is illegal...

Confessions

"My lord!"

Thranduil groaned, "Yes?" he asked impatiently.

The messenger looked uneasy. "I er...I have bad – um – I have news – um – bad stuff – news..."

Thranduil massaged his temples. "Go on."

The messenger stood, motionless.

Thranduil looked at him. "Well go on!" he barked, waving an arm, "Tell me the news!"

The messenger stumbled forward. "I'm afraid Legolas...is dead. He...fell off a wall."

"Colour me pink!" yelled Thranduil, "Princess Odiumine is coming today! Legolas needs to be here to meet her!" He got up and began pacing.

"That boy...when I get my hands on him—"

"My lord!"

"Yes?" asked Thranduil, stopping mid step.

"Princess Odiumine is waiting!"

Thranduil made an anguished noise and thrashed his arms about. "Stupid Legolas! Stupid Odiumine!"

At that moment Odiumine walked in. Thranduil froze. Realising how unhinged he looked, he chuckled weakly. "Welcome, Odiumine. Take a seat. Please."

The princess smiled and sat down.

"I expect your journey was pleasant?" asked Thranduil, hoping to stall.

"Oh yes," smiled the Princess, "It was very lovely indeed. But first, let me meet this Legolas of yours."

Thranduil swallowed. "I er, I'm um – I'm afraid that he – er – he is—"

"My lord!"

Thranduil smiled genuinely. "Yes!"

"Legolas is not dead! He is merely injured. He will be here momentarily."

Thranduil sighed, relieved. The princess sat forward and looked at him questioningly. He waved a finger at her.

Almost immediately Legolas strolled in with a red handprint on one cheek.

"Legolas!" cried Thranduil, "You're here! Come meet Princess Odiumine."

Legolas tried to smile but ended up showing a lot of teeth instead. What an...interesting looking she elf, he thought, she looks almost like...Arwen... "Nice to meet you," he said, before turning to Thranduil.

"My lord?" he asked.

Thranduil tilted his head towards Odiumine. Legolas shook his head and frowned. What on earth was Thranduil getting at? Thranduil kept motioning his head at Odiumine, and pointed at Legolas, making kissy faces.

Legolas raised his eyebrows. Thranduil made the imaginary kissing more unambiguous. This would have continued much longer, had the elf Legolas had previously compared to a spider not burst in.

"Odie!" she cried breathlessly, "Don't marry Legolas! He's an arachnophile!"

It took a few seconds of heavy silence for her words to register. Then, everyone started talking at once.

"I'm not marrying her!"

"Legolas is a what?"

"How would you know?"

"He loves a spider!"

"Quiet!" yelled Thranduil at last. "Lets all take turns. I'll go fir—"

"I'm not marrying her!" broke in Legolas, "She's ugly! I'd rather marry her," and he pointed to the nameless elf.

"I'm ugly!" roared Odiumine, "Gromal here looks like one of the spiders we passed!"

"Hey!" cried Gromal.

"Well," said Legolas smugly, "I've done it once before, I can do it again."

"Hey!" cried Gromal automatically. Suddenly, the implication of Legolas's words hit all present and a gasp rang around the room.

Thranduil's face was full of anger. "You did not just tell us of your marriage to a spider," he said, dangerously quietly.

"Actually I did," corrected Legolas, unaware his father was looking more and more like a kettle. He went on to add: "I have more to tell. I've also married a tree, a rock, a ditch...and Gollum!"

Thranduil's face was so red he looked like he was bleeding. "Gollum now rests in our dungeons. How dare you marry him!"

"Gollum!" cried Legolas, and in his face joy and hope shone. Merrily, he skipped out of the room.

Where has he gone?! Find out next time in...LEGOLAS'S MAGICAL BREECHES!