Harem Today, Gone Tomorrow
By: Brenna Dawkins and VampireNaomi
Part II
A Jackie Chan Adventure Fanfic
Summary: A collab by Snakelady Frohike1 and VampireNaomi! Finn suddenly and mysteriously has the power to bring still art to life. Tarakudo orders him and the Dark Hand to build him an invincible army. But, as usual, Finn gets other ideas. This can't turn out well!
They had arrived to their apartment several minutes ago and the place was already making them sweat. The little Scream painting just wouldn't shut up nor let go of Finn. It was almost as glued to him, and repeated the word "Da!" every once in a while.
"I can't take this anymore. Please someone, take it away," Finn said and ripped the thing off his knee the fourth time.
"It just likes you, you know. If you don't give your son the proper attention it might grow up to be a criminal," Chow joked.
Finn glared at him.
"It's not my son."
"Hey, don't call him 'it'. He doesn't like that," Ratso added. He was probably the only one of them who actually liked the little fellow.
Hak Foo wasn't with them anymore, he had been sent to the near by pizza restaurant to get something edÃble for them. That included a chocolate shake for the painting. It had been Ratso's idea.
Suddenly they could feel the air around them shudder and they knew what was coming. It didn't take longer than a few seconds before Tarakudo appeared from the clock on the wall.
"For the first time I'm actually happy to see the Pumpkinhead..." Finn muttered to himself.
Tarakudo sniffed the air.
"I smell magic," he said and then his eyes fixed on the painting that was still screaming, slightly more quietly now, though.
"Uh, yeah. This thing just popped out of nowhere and followed us," Chow said.
"I think it's Finn's child from the future," Ratso said.
Tarakudo rolled his eyes, "You three really haven't a clue, have you?"
Ratso ducked his head, "Um, no. We looked at a painting. We walked away. It came to life."
"You just looked at the painting?" Tarakudo asked with interest.
"Well, yeah," Chow said. "It's what you DO with paintings."
"Did you sense anything about it? Like the residual effects of a spell attached to the painting?" The Oni asked.
The three Enforcers looked at each other, then shook their heads in unison. "We just looked."
Tarakudo sighed and glanced heavenward for patience.
"You had to have done something. Magic just doesn't happen. Looking at paintings doesn't bring them to life."
Finn's glance slid the way of the Scream figure who was standing there, trembling with the effort of not running up to the Enforcer in white and attaching itself to him. Finn was inclined to agree with Tarakudo, except for this one point.
"What do you intend to do with this- creature?" Tarakudo wondered.
Finn shrugged helplessly. "I dunno, Boss. I was sorta hoping that you'd-"
"-take care of your mess?" He finished for his lacky.
Finn's head hung as he stared at the floor.
"Yeah, we were considering that," Finn replied not really daring to look up at the Oni.
"Hmh, why does everyone always rely on me when they have problems?" Tarakudo muttered and Finn felt that he was talking about some very ancient past incident.
"Well, you are the only one of us who can do something," Chow said.
"I see," Tarakudo said. He floated closer to the Scream creature and it looked at him. For a moment the only sound they could hear was the wail of the creature.
"Don't hurt it," Ratso said then. Finn glanced at his friend. Could he really care about the... thing? Well, Ratso was Ratso.
Tarakudo closed his eyes and listened carefully.
"Can you get rid of it for us?" Finn asked. Tarakudo opened his eyes and turned to look at him.
"Get rid of? Why would I ever get rid of anything that can sing this beautifully?" the Oni asked.
Everyone else blinked.
"Sing?" Chow repeated.
"Can you do it again, do you think?" Tarakudo asked the Enforcers, ignoring their disdain for his musical taste.
"Do what again?" Finn wondered.
Tarakudo's face turned deadly serious. "Bring a painting to life."
Finn looked over to Chow who just shrugged, then to Ratso who was trying to calm the beastly painting, then back to the Oni. "Um, dunno, Boss. As I told you before. Haven't a clue how it happened."
Tarakudo looked dubious. "If you can do it once, you can surely do it again. There's an art exhibit to be unveiled at the San Francisco Art Museum tomorrow. Samurai warrior themed. Go there. Make me an invincible army."
Finn laughed nervously, "If I can't do it again?"
The Oni's voice grew ominous, "I wouldn't want to be you when I see you next."
"Got it," Finn sighed. 'Crap.' He thought to himself. How'd they always manage to get themselves into these things anyway?
"Now, my little musician," Tarakudo turned to the painting, voice not quite so deadly and ignored the Enforcers, "I'd definitely love to hear your beautiful range."
"Right. You look after it and we create the huge omnipotent army," Finn said. He, Ratso and Chow moved towards the door. There was no way they'd have time to eat anything now.
"Da!" the Scream wailed unhappily and tried to ran after the Irishman.
Tarakudo floated to block its way.
"Not so fast, my little friend. Your "da" is doing something very important now and doesn't have time for you," the Oni said.
The Scream blinked. Then it's wail grew much louder.
"Ah... how beautiful..." Tarakudo mumbled. The Enforcers decided that it was a good moment to slip away before something else happened.
Once they were out of their apartment and on the street they had to start to think about their mission.
"How are we going to pull this one off? We don't know how to revive paintings! And even if we did, do you think we could just waltz out of the museum with them?" Chow asked with his hands in his pockets.
"Well, we have to try at least. Tarakudo won't be happy if we fail again," Ratso said. All three shuddered. Not only did Black have the newest Oni mask, but they had also been burdened with this impossible task.
The Dark Hand were never so glad to go out on an errand.
Things were looking up! That- THING wasn't with them, which brightened Finn's mood. Tarakudo didn't seem terribly annoyed- possibly 'cause he so enjoyed that wailing, er, singing the 'Scream' painting emitted.
"So, any ideas on how we're gonna get the paintings to follow our orders?" Finn wanted to know.
Chow shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. We look at the paintings we want, then, whammo."
Finn somehow didn't think it would be that easy. Nothing ever was for them.
"Any word on Chan's whereabouts?" He asked.
Ratso responded readily, "Outta town on business. We're free and clear. 'Cept for Blacks people."
Finn shrugged that off. They had managed against Black's forces just fine before. It was Chan they had the problems with.
"So, we go in, get the- images, then leave." Finn suggested.
Chow rolled his eyes, "Sure, leave the museum with an army. That'll go off without a hitch."
"Well, what've YOU got?" Finn reproached feeling irritated.
"Maybe the army will have some nifty powers that could help us to escape?" Ratso suggested.
"That's a possibility, I guess. We better make sure that we get only strong looking ones."
"Yeah, nothing like the one we already have. But how do you know if a painting is strong?" Chow added.
Finn shrugged.
"I dunno. Maybe it's about some knights or monsters or something," he said.
"Yeah! Like the one with that Bernard Mensah painting!" Ratso said.
Finn and Chow glanced at him.
"Bernard Mensah?" Chow repeated. Ratso nodded.
"I saw his paintings in that TV program... what was its name again?" he said.
"I don't think we are going to find his paintings in San Francisco. I doubt we'll find anything but strange and annoying pictures like the Scream thingy," Finn said.
"Heh, maybe we could find you a wife so that you could be one happy family," Chow said.
"Haha, very funny..." Finn muttered. He didn't know what to think of this errand. What was going on was freaky, and he honestly had no idea what was happening. He only hoped that somehow the paintings would become living. That was probably the only way to keep Tarakudo happy at the moment.
They made it to the museum without any mishap. They scoped out the security for a time and tried to figure out a few last minute details. It was abundantly clear they had no idea what to do.
"Fine, let's get this fiasco over with," Finn sighed and stepped out of the car. The others followed and they went into the museum easily enough, doing their best to look inconspicuous.
Chow had gone over to the information desk and got a brochure so they'd know where to go for the samurai exhibit. Finn grabbed it from him.
"So, we gotta go through the medieval art exhibit before we get to the good stuff," Finn gave the pamphlet a quick glance. "Let's go."
"How do we get the whole gang outta here?" Chow whispered conspirationally to his comrades.
Finn shrugged helplessly. Ratso tried to think about it without hurting himself. They continued walking, past tons of people, past several guards. Finn ignored the guards as they strolled through. They pretended to be patrons and would stop and stare at a painting... didn't matter what painting, just happened to be the painting they were closest to when a guard was staring at them suspiciously.
"Look at the damn painting!" Finn hissed at his comrades. "We gotta LOOK like we're guests!"
"Hey, look at the broad! She doesn't have any clothes on!" Ratso observed rather loudly to which Chow hastily shushed him. "Should they be letting kids come in and see this?" He whispered rather loudly into Chow's ear.
"It's a classic nude, dude," Finn snorted and took a good look at the female. "Woooah! Look at her figure! They sure knew art back then in the Renaissance! What I could do for her if she were alive!"
"You're dreamin, dude. You could never score with a woman like that, even though she thinks a shell is a boat," Chow teased.
"Botticelli," Ratso told them after leaning in and reading the name on the plaque. "Supposed to be the birth of Venus or something."
"I could too get a woman like that!" Finn responded hotly, rising to Chow's taunts. "Man, you couldn't get a woman like that even if you begged and lowered your price."
"I'm NOT a friggen gigolo!" Chow hissed.
Finn grinned, scoring a point against his buddy. "Tell you," he pointed at the painting, "Me and her would boogie all night long. She's real, dude. You're the one dreamin."
Finn sported a self satisfied grin, knowing he took his pal down a notch or two. His eyes were on an agitated Chow and he was about to turn and leave, but Ratso interrupted.
"Uuuuuh, Finn? Chow? Guess what?"
"What?" Finn and Chow asked turning to look at their friend. They both felt irritated because of the mess they had got into, and were ready to snap something at Ratso.
But instead of saying anything they just gaped at the woman at Ratso's side.
Finn tried to say something, but in his state of surprise it proved to be quite difficult. The woman was beautiful and if someone in the world had a perfect body, it would be her. She wasn't slim or didn't look like those models who probably couldn't walk outside because of the fear of falling apart because of wind. Her body was more roundish, and her long red hair fell on her shoulders and breasts covering something, but revealing just slightly too much.
She was also, of course, completely naked.
"Wow... " Ratso muttered.
The woman looked at them, and though her face was very serious it looked like she was smiling. None of the Enforcers knew how that was possible.
"You have awoken me," she said softly.
Our heroes were not able to say anything. This was the first time - outside of their fantasies, that is - for a beautiful naked woman to appear out of nowhere.
Finn swallowed.
"Uh... Venus, right?" he asked then. The woman looked surprised.
"How did you know?" she asked.
"It reads on the wall right next to your... painting," Ratso said and Venus turned to look at the direction he pointed at.
"My painting?" she asked and observed the artifact. It was just like it had been a moment ago, but it lacked one partthat had made it famous: Venus herself. "Oh! How exciting!" she exclaimed.
It was now that Finn remembered something.
"Uh, everything we said about you a moment ago... " he started feeling quite embarrassed. He wasn't unfamiliar with talking about women when they were within hearing range, but Venus felt somehow too sacred for hearing that.
"Yeah, we didn't mean any of it!" Chow added.
"Except that your body - " Ratso started, but hissing, waving and faces from his friends made him stop.
At that point everyone else in the museum seemed to wake up to the realization that there was a naked Venus "imposter" inside.
The naked Venus strolled sensuously towards Finn who stood stock still. She leaned up fully against him, her breasts pressed into his chest. Finn's heart sped and his body temperature shot up a few degrees. Venus caressed the side of his face with her hand and then ran her fingers through his red hair.
"I couldn't hear anything you said until after you woke me. You know my name. Do you know who I am?" Her very real breath grazed Finn's other cheek. He hadn't moved a muscle and did well to remember to breathe.
"Goddess of Love," Finn finally found his tongue.
Ratso and Chow stared.
"Oh, man! It's not fair, Finn! You get Scream AND Venus?" Finn heard Chow's irritated voice behind him.
"You can HAVE Scream, dude," Finn sighed as the Goddess of Love seemed intent on proving her powers on him right there in the middle of the museum. "Hey, listen, Venus. Not that I'm not enjoying this, cause I AM enjoying the Hell outta this- but, um, what was it I did or said that brought you to life?"
"I do not know. But it was YOU who did so and so it is to you whom I belong."
He heard Chow's upset voice behind him again.
"Figures!"
Then Ratso's voice piped up, "Um, Finn. So that means, even if you do figure out how to create an army- I don't think they'd listen to Tarakudo. They'd only listen to you. Don't think the Boss'd be that happy 'bout it either."
Ratso had a point. "Makes sense. So- what do-" Venus began to nibble on his ear lobe, "- we do- uuuuh, now?" She was draped over him, almost like she was a second cloth.
"Finn. People are staring," Chow informed him.
"Crap!" He really was enjoying the attention. But there was a time and place for such affections, just it didn't happen to be in the middle of a museum. Finn gingerly pushed her off of him and she pouted unhappily. "Later, Venus. Believe me, I'd rather see you without anything on-" He took off his white jacket and urged Venus to don it on. She did, reluctantly.
"Such strange garments you wear!" Venus replied as he buttoned it up for her.
"Venus, you make anything look good." Chow told her awed. "She'd make the highest priced supermodle cry with envy!"
Ratso and Finn heartily agreed.
Then, from Ratso, "Guard's comin' over."
"Why is it always Ratso who notices when something happens?" Chow asked as he and Finn and turned to see that there were indeed three guards coming to their way. Finn could only shrug.
Now what is going on here?" one of the guards asked. He was a short man who looked very much like a stuffed potato. His comrades said nothing, merely stood behind him like some evil lackeys.
"We were just watching the paintings... Surely that is not forbidden?" Chow chuckled nervously. Oh, how he hated guards!
One of the guards lifted a brow and looked at Venus. She was smiling politely at them while nudging against Finn.
"We mean this lady here. It is strictly forbidden to enter if one is naked." the leader guard said.
"Why is that? I find it very difficult to enter if one is NOT naked," she said and turned her smile into a smirk.
All men realized what she meant and Finn had to elbow her when the guards blushed heavily. Either because of embarrassment or anger.
"We were about to leave anyway." the Irishman declared and started to drag the very curious Venus out. Chow and Ratso could only stare, and the guards let them go for a while.
Then one of them turned towards the painting that once had been about Venus.
"Hey, they destroyed the painting!" he shouted.
"To Hell with it!" Finn growled and maneuvered the lovely Venus behind him. He was going to try something, out of pure desperation. They needed a diversion to get out of there. The room was full of nudes from that era. Tarakudo was going to get himself an army, just not the one he originally intended. It was clear they were never going to make it to the Samurai exhibit. "Hey, all you chicks in the paintings! Live and come with me!"
Chow gave him a caustic look. "What kind of command was that? Don't you know Daolong Wong would have had a heart attack if he'd ever heard what you call a spell."
"Shut up. Hey, see? It's working!" Finn grinned suddenly. The images in the paintings, from little cherub's to lovely, vivacious maidens oozed out of the paintings all around them.
"Eeeeew," Ratso winced as one lovely lady dripped from her prison, dribbled onto the floor, then resolidified into a three dimensional beauty right beside him. "Woah."
"Impressive," Chow had to acknowledge as he, the rest of the Enforcers, and the guards were now surrounded by a gaggle of classy nude females.
"I've died and gone to heaven!" Finn sighed at the site.
"Well, go ahead, as long as you wait to do that AFTER we get free and clear of this place," Chow replied cynically.
The scene looked very strange indeed. The women were easily recognized as the works of long dead masters and none of the men had even imagined them to look so... living. Living, fresh, and delicious.
The Enforcers were already used to living paintings, but the guards were able to just gape. Finn suspected that they wouldn't be able to stop them no matter what they tried.
Not that he felt much like trying anything except locking himself some where with his new army. Despite that he already knew not to be surprised when paintings lived he still didn't know how to act in front of a nude group of females.
He swallowed. Now was not the time to think about that...
"Okay you all, listen to me. I made you alive, so you will all be listening to the main dude," he said. "Me," he decided to add a second later.
"We know that..." one of the females purred and danced closer. The others followed her example and Finn was soon surrounded by a swarm of funky females.
Venus wrapped her arms around Finn's shoulders and frowned at the others.
"I saw him first! Back off!" she snapped.
"Hey, what makes you think you have the right to him? He made us living too!" one of the other females replied.
"You know, I'm sure you will be able to share me..." Finn said hopefully. Wow, it was so difficult to not stare at their...
"And I and Ratso could also use some of your services," Chow said.
"Yeah."
"No way dudes, they are all mine. Get your own women!" the Irishman said. He glanced around himself in the museum and somehow managed to pay attention to something else than the women's breasts and other body parts. "We better get out of here once we still have the chance." he decided.
The guards couldn't get to the Enforcers with all the nude women surrounding their main man in white. They were reluctant to touch them for fear of facing a sexual harassment charge.
"Let's go, already!" Chow began to thread his way through the fleshy female flock and tried to not brush up against anything too distracting.
"Okay, my lovely ladies! We're outta here!" Finn commanded and wondered how in the world they'd transport such an army back to their usual hideout. "We may have to hoof it back home and leave the car."
Chow sighed, "Sure, no one will give our little troop of Girl Scouts a second glance as we stroll down the ave."
"Well, what do YOU propose we do?" Finn demanded hotly as they all made their way to the door, trying to ignore the outright stares of the museums patrons.
"What if we make it to a safe alley, wait till dark, THEN go home?" Ratso offered.
"From the mouth's of babes," Finn smacked his head.
Ratso wondered at that comment but said nothing.
"What do we do in the meantime until dark?" Chow wanted to know.
Finn grinned broadly, "Oh, I'm SURE we can all find SOMEthing to keep ourselves occupied until then!"
That got Chow's attention. "You gonna share after all?" The excitement in his voice was evident.
"Weeeeell, it's up to my babes if they even want anything to do with the two of you." At the nasty look Chow gave him, "Hey, don't blame me if you can't create your own- uuuum-" Finn wasn't sure what to call it.
"Harem?" Ratso offered again. Finn grinned. Sounded perfect to him!
With that, the troop exited the building with the guards still trying to decide if something illegal had just happened or not and if it had, just how would they explain it to the authorities. Finn was grinning from ear to ear. It was turning out to be a very good day!
To Be Continued...