() the change of POV
Special
By Misaki Sakura
Chapter 9 : EndingI feel as if a huge lump has blocked my mouth as I can't find anything to say. He's leaving ... to America. That's too far! That means ... I can't see him everyday like I usually do. I can't talk to him like I did before. I can't ...
I have wasted my time thinking about this all day without doing anything to make a change between us. But what's needed to be changed? Me or him? I don't know and I guess I'll never know if he leaves. He'll leave me.
Sakura-sensei told me that he had found a job there. A friend helps him. I have to ask Youji about this. I know Youji would tell me first if he were the one who did this. Maybe I can ask him to find out about his friend ... what am I doing?! Suddenly I act like a jealous boyfriend. ... or probably just say I act like a disappointed boyfriend who is going to be dumped. He's not even my boyfriend.
Maybe that's what he was going to tell me when he met me on the roof ... about a week ago. Why didn't I wait for him to talk?
"Hidaka-sensei, are you alright?"
"Sakura-sensei, when will he leave?"
"To ... tomorrow I guess ..."
"Thank's." I whisper. I don't have any energy to talk ... to walk ... even to breathe. Slowly I walk out of the infirmary. So that's why he hasn't come recently. He must've been preparing for his departure. He's leaving ...
Those words keep haunting me, repeating over and over in my head like chanting a mantra, so I don't know when suddenly I feel someone taps my shoulder.
"Ken-kun, we need to talk."
Without waiting for my answer, Aya drags me to the nearest classroom and force me to sit in one of the chairs. I glance at my watch, 5 o' clock. No wonder the class is empty.
"Ken-kun, first I want to apologize ... about me and Suzuki."
I keep silence, waiting for her to continue. I can't guess where this conversation leads us but I'm eager to know it. She takes a deep breath and holds my shoulders tightly. "You like my brother, don't you?"
I'm so ... stunned, confused ... give me one word that can match this situation. "I ..."
"I'm not here to listen to your denials, Ken-kun. I want to tell you that my brother is leaving. Do you know?"
"Yes, I've heard from Sakura-sensei."
"So? What are you going to do, Ken-kun? Aren't you going to stop him from leaving?"
"I can't, Aya. I have no right to do it. Besides, he'll only listen to you. Why would he listen to me?"
"Ken-kun, I've tried to talk to him about this but he snapped at me. And it's all because of you! If you hadn't rejected him, he wouldn't have gone. You have to do something."
I let her words sink before I shake my head sadly. "I can't. I can't, Aya. I don't want to ... I don't want to hurt him ... and myself ..."
Just the second I close my mouth, she slaps me ... hard. I rub my stinging cheek. "Aya..."
"You're a coward, Ken-kun. You're no different than my brother! I want you two to stop worrying about little things like that and have the courage to tell how you feel for each other. You're afraid to be hurt?! Ran-niichan is hurt, Ken-kun!"
He's hurt?! What about me?! You don't know it, Aya. I can't stop myself when I hear I yell at her. "You don't know what he had done to me!!"
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing that they are not yours to have. I've read that before somewhere. First I don't know if it's right or what. I never felt love after she betrayed me. Now I know that truth of those words. It hurts ... it hurts me so much that I feel I want to ... die ...
I can't see Ken. I won't see him before I leave cause it'll only make me feel worse. I have thought about this over and over since Mr. Crawford asked me to work with him in New York. First, I couldn't leave Aya cause she was too young to be left alone. But now she has grown up and she has Suzuki with her. She'll be okay. That leaves ... Ken. Actually he's the main reason why I'm leaving.
Looking outside the window, I close my eyes, feeling the winter breeze washes over me. It's in the middle of winter and opening the window like this is crazy, but I like the feeling of the snow touches my skin, the wind ... I don't know why but I like them. Winter ... Ken's birthday is coming. I think it's 23 December ... I'll be in New York at that time.
I hesitate before pulling out a pen from inside my agenda, take a paper and start writing. I don't have any idea what to write but I know I have to, at least, tell him about how I feel, guessing that maybe I won't see him again. Twirling my pen in my hand, I think of what to write. Apologize, of course. Confession, ... that'll be the best.
I'm going to miss you, Ken. I never say it to you in a more ... decent occasion but ... I love you. Think I'm a coward, don't you? I'm a fool to make you sad before ... suffer because of what I've done to you. I'm sorry. I won't make you sad ... I won't make you cry again. Sayonara, Ken. I hope you'll be happy.
I read and reread it but the words can hardly sink into my head. I'm running away. Is this the best solution for my problem? Our problem? You can't get over Aya, can you, Ken? You loved her and probably you still love her now.
I decide to add another word to my letter before I fold it and put it inside my favourite poetry book. I'll tell Aya to give this to Ken. All my feelings, my life ... I hope the best for him.
"You can't forgive him, can you?"
"It's not that but I'd be lying if I told you I never felt like that. I don't know ... I don't ... you know ... I don't hate him but I ... don't know ... love him or ... friends and ... others ..."
"Ken-kun, it's obvious that you feel something for my brother. Tell him. He'll be leaving tomorrow. Maybe that's going to be your last chance to tell him." Aya looks at me pleadingly. It hurts, deep inside it hurts but why, I don't know. Is it because Aya force me to ... confess or because of the fact that Ran is leaving?
"I ... please, Aya, don't force me."
Sighing, she gives me a hug. "Sorry, I just want you happy, Ken-kun, together with my brother."
"It's okay, Aya. Thank's."
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Here, Ran told me to give you this."
I took the book from her hand and open the first page. That's when I notice something fell down. I pick it up and held it close to my face.
"Aya, what's-"
But Aya is nowhere to be seen.
The sun hasn't risen yet and I'm already lost in my thought. This is probably the last time I set my feet on Japan. Am I regretting this? No, I can't be. Perhaps ... perhaps he'll forgive me.
I couldn't sleep last night and I can't concentrate on anything. The question keeps repeating over and over in my head. Do I love Ran? If yes is the answer, why can't I tell him? If no ... I don't want to lose him.
How can you be so stupid? My conscience kicks in. I hate it when it does that, but it's also a part of me. I'm getting flustered here. Whatever.
You love him, you moron! Why can't you admit it?! Is our little Kenken getting scared? That sounds so much like Youji. I thought I had stopped talking to myself since I quitted the League. Now it's coming back at me in full force. I hate it.
Admit it! Like hell I will! But I can do nothing to make you shut up, can't I? Fine! I like him! No, I love him! Happy?!
If I continue any of these, I'll get mad. Okay, it finally shuts up. Now, my feelings ... yes, I love him, though I've been in denial for so ... too long. I admit it. I'm in love with Fujimiya Ran. I really don't know why I didn't realize this earlier. It's not love at first sight but well ... sorta.
I bring myself up and decide something that I should've done long time ago. I'm going to confess to him.
"Good bye, nii-chan." Aya hugs me tightly.
"Good bye, Aya-chan." I let her go. She comes with Suzuki and that Sakura-sensei but I can't see Ken anywhere. Where is he? Hasn't he forgiven me yet? Or it's about that kiss ...?
"The flight number 740 to New York will be departed soon. To all the passengers, please board the plane. I repeat, the flight ..."
"I have to go."
Aya nods and pecks me on the cheek. I wave her goodbye and am about to leave when I hear someone's calling me.
"Ran! Wait!!"
I see Ken runs towards me, his brown locks are strewn on his face. I wait ... probably he's here to say goodbye or maybe ... he has forgiven me. I don't know what I'm waiting.
"Ran, I ..." he pants after his long run. Sweat's trickling down his face. I want to run my finger along his smooth cheek, hold him and never let him go again, but is that possible?
"Ran, I ... gomen, I shouldn't have waited this long but I need to tell you ... aishiteru, Ran, zutto."
He whispers the last part with the voice that's barely audible but loud enough for me to hear. My heart jumps. Did he say what I think he said?
Seeing Ken bending his head to avoid my gaze, I know right away that it's not a dream. That Ken did say that to me. Oh, God. After all the waiting ... at last ...
I do the first thing that comes into mind at the sight of Ken in front of me. I pull him into my embrace, running my hand through his soft hair as I hear him gasps. Suddenly, nothing seems to matter for me with Ken in my arms. And I know I can keep him there forever.
OWARIA/N : Finally the last chapter!! I don't know, maybe this is one of my bad habit. I just can't write the story when it comes to the end. I don't know why but it really takes me long time to finish this one. Gomen nasai, minna!! Well, I hope I can continue my other fanfiction soon enough, starts with 'Fallen Angel'. Jya! See you in my next fanfic!