(A/N: Doesn't exactly give closure to necessarily everything, but enough said. READ! REVIEW!)
The room gleams with chandelier lighting, and golden table cloths. Chatter echoes around every edge of the room, laughter snaking its way through the pillars. The room is filled to the brim, as well as the balconies and the area around a fountain. The stars have gently pushed the day away, taking their places in the sky. I lean on the railing of a luckily empty balcony, looking up at the stars once again. A cold sensation runs up my arm and I turn quickly to see a drink pressed to it. I take it with a wry smile as he leans on the railing next to me, sipping his own beverage.
"Glad we decided to come after all?" he asks, looking over at me. I sigh, looking down into my drink.
"It still feels a little wrong to hold it now that so many of the crew has..." I can't bring myself to say it; the word is like acid on my tongue.
"It's a part of life, Kathryn," he says quietly. "And one day, we too shall pass on."
I remain quiet at this statement. I have never feared death. Not even when I looked into the hollow eyes of the Borg Queen. Not when I struggled for air against my nebula-invested and controlled ship. Not when I stepped out of my Ready Room and barked 'Report' at Harry. Never. But now that I've attended more funerals than I can count, and spoke about the noble people that I used to call my crewmen, I've slowly begin to worry about it. I sip my drink nervously as I feel his eyes wash over me. I swear he's a betazoid sometimes, always reading my thoughts, probing my every move.
"Admiral, it's good to see you decided to come this year."
I turn at the voice, knowing full well who it is, his voice dripping with never-ending loyalty. "Ah, Captain Kim. How are you?"
"Very well," he says, with a sincere smile. I still can see my Ensign Kim sometimes, and my heart aches with memories of the past.
"How's the family?" Chakotay asks.
"Just got new additions. I'm officially a grandfather to a healthy baby boy and girl."
"Oh twins, congratulations, Harry," I say, beaming with pride. "I'm sure you carry a holoimage of them," I say, asking more than stating.
"Of course," he says, pulling a small picture of the tiny squint-faced babies with jet black hair.
"Spitting image of old grandpa," Chakotay says. Harry laughs as he slips the image back into his jacket. He and Chakotay begin talking about something, but I'm lost in memories. The graying man before me used to be but a boy on a lost ship. He used to ask questions, make me rethink huge command decisions, and eventually even brought me out of retirement after my mother died. I was already married by then, but attending her funeral was something I felt so alone in dealing with. Harry laughs, and I catch my breath, smiling at the decorated and revered man that I used to think of more as a son than anything else. Reg Barclay comes onto the stage and starts ushering people to their seats.
".. And where is that fine command couple at?" He says, looking over the room. I blush slightly as both Harry and Chakotay look at me.
"Can't leave the man waiting all night," I say. Chakotay smiles, sticking his arm out for me to loop my own through. Harry disappears after his own wife as we make our way to the front table.
"Alright then," Reg says, looking down at me with a twinkling glance. "It looks like we can get our party started now. I'd like to welcome you to the twenty-fifth anniversary of the USS Voyager, NCC-74656," he stamps out every number, drawing them in the air, "Homecoming!" The room grows with applause, and I too clap, smiling across the room at my crew. "Not to put a dampener on our bright spirits, but it's time to get a little serious." I feel my throat tighten and my hand stiffen around the champagne glass in front of me. My least favorite part of this whole thing is about to ensue. "We need to remember why we continue our celebration, twenty-five years later, and that is for our fallen members. So here's tonight's toast," he says raising his glass from the podium. "To the ones who are here in spirit. May we live our lives more full because of your strength." As he takes a sip, there is clinking heard across the room with a low rumble of 'here here's. I tap Chakotay's glass and take a long drink, letting the burning liquid melt away my tears. I couldn't cry on the Bridge twenty-five years ago, I'll be damned if I do it tonight. Reg makes his way down off the stage and over to the still youthful EMH who sits a few tables down. The room grows with discussions again as the food begins to wheel out. I've suddenly lost my appetite and fold my napkin in front of me.
"Excuse me," I say quietly, moving away.
"Kathryn," I hear Chakotay say as I hold my breath, walking outside to the fountain. He's bound to come after me, but for now I know he'll leave me be.
I sigh, watching her leave. I know I should go after her, force her to face up to things, but I've pushed her too far already just by bringing her here. This used to be her year-to-year life, the only thing that kept her going. But now with so many people missing, it's really taken its toll.
"Mind if I have a seat?"
I glance up from my lost thoughts at B'Elanna. "How could I refuse such beautiful company?" Her silver hair is the only thing that shows her age, apart from the wrinkles that we all try to ignore. I know I have a few of my own. "How's the family doing?"
She swallows hard, pressing a smile on her face. "Alright I guess. Yours?"
"About the same," I say, reading her face.
"Where's the misses of yours?" she asks in a hesitated voice. "I saw her not too long ago." I take the hint of 'let's talk about things other than family' and nod towards the doorway where Kathryn had exited not too long ago.
"She doesn't enjoy these things as much as she did twenty-five years ago."
"Who in their right mind does?" B'Elanna says dryly, looking about the room.
I watch her leave the room, almost everyone does. The glasses have barely all sat back down and she's already torn. I can understand though, I miss Tom more than anyone, besides B'Elanna maybe. He was my only real friend on Voyager, and now that he's not here to add his usual comic relief, the room seems quiet and cold. "I'll be right back," I say off hand to my wife, standing up and following the trail the Admiral had not too long ago tread.
She's sitting on the edge of the fountain, her legs pulled close to her body, head on her knees as she stares into the rippling pool of never-ending water. With the moon over head, and the awakening stars, I slowly walk, the only sound the sloshing water as it hits the bottom pool.
"Have a seat, Harry."
Her voice surprises me, she didn't even look up or flinch in the slightest. I sit down next to her, taking in her every feature as I do. Her cheeks are moist with ebbing tears. I've never seen her cry, and it shakes me so much to see the woman I revere so highly break down like this.
"He went quickly, Harry," she says, not looking at me still. "I know you wanted to be there."
I take a deep breath, looking up at the stars. My chest clenches with an unknown force, an invisible hand wrapping its fingers tightly around my heart. "I ... he sent me a letter."
"Oh?"
Her puzzled tone doesn't move an inch of her face, a face that could be carved in stone. "It said that he knew he had only a few weeks, that he didn't want anyone else to know, not even his family."
"I received a similar letter," she says. Her eyes not meeting my own, she looks up and over my shoulder. The gray-blue spheres gleam with unshed tears, still at bay. "He didn't want B'Elanna to know because he wanted everyday to be lived to the fullest. But after he passed, she told me that she knew."
"I should have been here," I say, standing up brashly and pacing slowly by the fountain. "He would have been there for me, for anyone-"
"Captains have to make a lot of sacrifices, Harry."
My rant comes to a quick halt, stopped before I could even really get started. Her dim voice strikes silence upon me. I stop pacing and look at her, hands in my pockets.
"The hardest things I ever learned were during my Voyager days. I wanted to be here when my sister passed, to help my mother when she first got sick... but there's some thing we just can't control."
I wonder if anyone even notices her missing. Everyone is still thinking about Tom Paris, they probably don't even think twice about Annika. Besides, she never came to one of these things. Never left her quarters or labs really. Somehow I blame myself, for not trying harder. But I pressed too hard on her, and now that she's gone, it's really no use dwelling on the past.
"...so I said, 'Why use those old things? Go take Admiral Jenkins', it's not as if he'll ever use them!'" Reg says, bursting into a rapturous laughter, along with his colleagues at the table. He's barely even noticed me, unusually and uncharacteristically silent. I merely chuckle, the brief rumble my only sign of existence.
I look back up as I see her reenter the room, Harry at her side. She smiles as Crewman Chell catches her next to his table, and stops her, his blue face bright with conversation. She slowly makes her way across the room, back to her table where I am found sitting in her seat. "My apologies, Admiral," I say, standing up.
"You're always welcomed company, B'Elanna," she says, sitting down in her seat.
"Thank you," I say, nodding. "Now if you'll excuse me." I feel like tearing out in a run. I can't believe I came, and by the look on most peoples faces, neither can they.
It was two weeks ago today that Tom passed. He never told me about the virus that lay dormant inside him for months, not until the day before he left me forever. And I was at first mad, furious – how could he not tell me? Did he not trust me? Did he think he could be some big shot and fight it out on his own terms? I felt betrayed. But in his last hours, as we just sat there in the still silence of our bedroom, I forgave him somehow. The dark circles under his yellow eyes from forcing himself to remain awake for three day straight. He didn't want to leave me, leave our family. But sometimes, life has its ways. This is just one of the more harsh and real ones that, in the Delta Quadrant, I grew to forget.
Of course people died in the Delta Quadrant also, but not as many affected me so. My mother and father had both passed now. And now with Tom gone, all I have is Miral, who has been gone for several months on a Deep Space mission, clueless of her father's death. When and how I'm going to tell her, I have no idea.
"B'Elanna!"
I spin around, realizing I had somehow made my way to a balcony. "Harry, hi," I say, almost having to physically press a smile on with my hand. "I'm glad to see you made it to the reunion."
Awkwardness ensues as he stares at me with those dark brown eyes, a look that makes me feel as though he's searching my soul for forgiveness somewhat, and suddenly, I hug him tightly.
The stars are still idle, never moving anymore. It's okay though, I've grown so accustomed to the stillness nowadays in my retirement. My bones ache as I sit down on the sofa. It makes me feel old, but what nowadays doesn't? If there's one thing I've learned in the past twenty-five years it's this –
Things may come, and things may go. But how I react to it is what matters.
Face it, whatever I do is my choice, not someone else's. So as I sit here, my house quiet with unwanted silence, I reflect. Because today is the anniversary for Voyager. I'll talk to each of the crew, their adoring faces making me saddened with nostalgia. Little Naomi telling me about her husband and children. I can't believe how much I've missed out on.
I can't believe it's all over.