Your Winter
A/N: Thanks for reading and thanks for reviewing.
Disclaimer: Thanks Amy!
"The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view
What else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry , but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
I don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you
Why do you choose your pain?
If you only knew how much I love you, love you
I won't be your winter
And I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
And I will be here………"
Sister Hazel blared through the speakers of his cheap stereo. He threw the shoe he was holding at it. He didn't even like Sister Hazel, so the fact that this particular song reminded him of what a shmuck was, wasn't helping their cause. It wasn't like Jess to get sentimental. He was the cool guy, who kept to himself and disregarded everyone and all their feelings. So why was it, that two years down the line, he still found himself listening to crap music and thinking about the cause of these sentimental feelings?
He should hate her. After turning him down and causing the only emotional pain Jess had ever felt, he should be glad that she was now someone else's problem. But he wasn't. After all, he'd brought it on himself. He knew she would say no. He knew that he was only setting himself up for disappointment, yet he asked her, begged her anyway.
This couldn't be happening. Jess was due to be getting married to Jemima, in three months. They'd met at a party and Jess figured she'd be a welcome distraction from the daily Rory-a-thon. The screen would light up inside his head and all his memories of Rory would spill onto it. But it was so much more than a movie. There were smells and feelings to accompany every scene. Like how scared he'd been the day he'd crashed her car. The guilt he felt that her pain was his fault. Or the day she'd broken up with Dean. Delight at the fact that she would soon be his. The overwhelming need to wipe away every tear, when he'd found her crying on the bridge. The warmth he felt every time she looked at him. The unbearable pain of the last time he saw her. The last word she'd said to him had been "no". And the final scene, replaying whenever he was alone. "NO!" Walking away was the last thing he wanted to do. She'd said no with a finality that most people would find discouraging, but Jess wanted to stay and beg her 'til she agreed. But he didn't. She'd said no for a reason and he would've rather pulled his eyes out with his bare hands, than cause her anymore pain, so he turned and without a word, walked away.
Jemima! He had to, no needed to stop this. He appreciated Jemima. She loved him and he… Rory didn't love him and that's all there was to it. She'd chosen not to be his and he had to deal with that. He had a new life now and so did she. She was getting married. Luke hadn't said it in as many words, but Jess got the picture. He wished Luke hadn't called to tell him. It was none of his business. Why would Luke think that after two years, Jess would want to know what was going on in her life? Because Luke knew. He knew how it felt to love someone and not have them love you back. And he knew that no matter how hard it was to hear, Jess would want to be told that Rory was getting married. Rory belonged to someone else now and it hurt.
As Jemima entered the small living room Jess had previously been watching the Rory-movie in, Jess retrieved the shoe he'd thrown and continued getting ready for work.
"Are you okay? Why is the stereo on the floor?" Jemima enquired politely.
"I got mad. It's no big deal." He replied flatly.
"You got mad at the stereo? I'm sure, whatever it did, it's sorry. Seriously what's on your mind?" She asked again.
"Nothing. I'm fine. Just fine."