When I started this fic, I didn't think it was going to work, so I apologize if the beginning seems shaky. Once I found my train of thought, I rode it to the point of derailment and then continued. Lyrics are "Trapped Under Ice" by Metallica. My original title was "I'm Trapped Under Ice". Give me your opinions: which is better? Also, I'd like to direct your attention to the fact that this story does not fall into a category. (I know you just checked, didn't you?) Well, the primary is General, because they won't let me do none. You'll see my motives for this throughout the story.
Dedications go to my consistent reviewers: xAkix, Sekhemnet, Lvkishugs, Amme Moto, DW. I'd like to thank DW for trying to help me with my writing with Sora. It's helping. Lvkishugs has some awesome new one-shots; I beg you check them out. But now...Here's my tortured Riku...
Missing One Inside Of Me
-
I don't know how to live through this hell
Woken up, I'm still locked in this shell
Frozen Soul, frozen down to the core
Break the ice, I can't take anymore
-
Am I dead? No, that's not possible. The dead don't breathe, don't touch, don't... Wait! Why can't I say it, that word? Does that mean I am? No, I can't be! But then, why can't I convince myself that...that...
A small voice whispered around me, encircling me, wrapping me in its cruel note. There was no source, just endless black. The words danced around me, around my head, around my...my...my... Oh God, no!
'The Dead don't feel'
My hand, which was always wrapped in a black glove, clutches at my chest, where my heart is...
'Don't you mean was?'
What? No! But the voice was right. I felt (No, please, not that word. No...) Nothing. I waited...waited...for that steady pulse, that two-part beat that proved my life, proves me. Waited for proof that this was a dream, just a dream. I would get up and have just another - - filled day. Wait, why can't I complete that sentence? I waited for the expected pulse to quicken, to prove my emotions, and prove that everything was okay...
But it never came...
And then, like a lightning bolt from the reality that hovered harshly around and over me, I was struck with a realization that burned through my entire body, singeing my very soul. Huh? Did I still have that? I felt my hand strike me across the face. Yes, don't think like that!
But I fe-fe-seem so empty. Something, no, everything gives the impression of being missing, gone. No, I'm still here...it can't be gone. It's right here, I sputtered, pointing at my chest, my finger stabbing my sternum. That pain, however, couldn't compare to the shock to what was said next. Though strangely, I could only recognize inside of me the former.
'Don't you mean was?'
No...my heart. It can't. That can't happen to me. I know I never expressed emotions, but it doesn't mean they weren't there. 'Come on!' I yelled at myself. Express something, joy, disbelief, anything! Please, do something...
But it never came...
I'm not like this... The darkness moved to contradict my thought, like mocking laughter. It swirls around me...like I'm one of... No, no! It's not true. I'm not meant for this...I can't be here...Somebody take me, save me from this hell!
-
Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under Ice
-
Somebody set me free...
But it never came...
"I don't wanna be like this!"
...At some point, your screaming becomes so high-pitched; it seems to be coming from somewhere else. It's like someone else is screaming in the distance and you barely hear it, but that sensation doesn't happen immediately. First, you practically blow out your lungs with the effort and your vocal chords strain and you grow hoarse...
I sank to my knees, struggling to breathe, for more than one reason. My chest hurt terribly, but the pain was merely physical. Remember how I didn't want to be dead? Well, it's too late. For in a way, Iwas dead. My outer shell, my body, was perfectly fine. Not scarred or damaged, not plagued by illness and infection. But what's inside, the true life,was nowmissing. But this must be worse that death itself. When you're dead, is it not true that your spirit, your soul will emerge and live on. You're not alive, but the light from your heart blesses you deeply. You're...happy.
But whatam I? I'm mostly alive; my breath can be seen, heard. I can touch, talk, see, hear and smell, and yet, I'm not complete... My heart, my emotions, who I am...is gone. I guess that's what hell is. How I wish for death now. Would it bring back my heart? Would death recover the me?
The very thought of being prisoner in the surrounding darkness put a chill through me. I may have been devoid of emotions now, but my sense of climatics was fine...
It's grew cold...Maybe Hell finally froze over. I felt a sharp pang. I should have been able to at least smirk at that pathetic excuse for humour. I longed to grin. I even wished to feel remorse. Sharp pangs always come with something...anything...
But it never came...
-
Crystallized, as I lay here at rest
Eyes of glass stare directly at death
From deep sleep, I have broken away
No one knows, no one hears what I say
-
I'm drifting...to where...who knows? I guess the term "who cares?" is appropriate. I mean, even if I did, I could no longer. More sharp pangs. I imagined they should have been filled with guilt, hatred, hurt. But I guess that meant nothing to me. I could feel nothing, so what's the difference?
I sensed my body come to a stop. I tried and focused my lifeless eyes on why. Hmm...my eyes are lifeless now? That's ironic. I had always thought the eyes were a direct link to the soul, not the heart...But then does that mean that? I waited for my face to change. Waited for an expression of pain, realization, confusion...anything.
But it never came...
The darkness was right. I am nothing. No heart, no soul, no life. So what am I then? My reflection appeared in front of me, seemingly out of nowhere. Yeah, that's me. The 'nothing' from 'nowhere'. Again, I waited for a reaction...nothing. I ran my fingers over the glass, and thought. I wanted to do so bitterly, but then, that's an emotion, now isn't it?
'I'll bet this stupid glass has more sense of feeling than I do.'
As if responding to me, the glass wall grew cloudy and grey. Tendrils intertwining with one another, creating a hypnotic dance of smoke. Slowly, it began to clear. I saw blue skies, light cumulus clouds playing gleefully in it. Wish I could.
The sun sent off beautiful rays of light over its chosen land. The light did't extend past the glass, which would have annoyed me, if I had that option. As the glass moved like a camera, the place came into view. Only an idiot wouldn't have recognized it, though I'm quite sure I already disproved that fact with myself.
Destiny Islands...
The place I once called home looked more beautiful and inviting than I ever imagined possible. I would like to say it filled me with warmth and joy to see the old place, but then, what good would lying accomplish? Mind you, it's not like I have a shortage of space in me...now. Fill me with something or have the dark shadows already called claim of that too?
I never did like the saying: "Out with the old, in with the new" and though I had new reason to, I still don't. Damn, I can't do anything. Chains and shackles have more freedom than this.
My eyes were drawn back to the "movie", if you will. Familiar people came into view. Chestnut hair, emerald eyes, dreamy look on her face...Selphie.
Now there was a girl who was full of emotions; she could jump from one to another in a matter of seconds, and never notice a difference. In the short span of that I was permitted to see her now, she went through happy, annoyed, pouty, excited, clueless, then finishing with the dreamy romantic mood when she saw the Paopu tree. Do I dare say I envied her and her free use of feelings? Do I have the gall to say I felt jealousy of the smiling girl? I suppose, but who would believe me? Not me, that's for damn sure. But I couldn't escape the stabbing pains that ripped through my body as I watched.
She, Tidus and Wakka bounded off into the foggy distance. Wakka looked spaced, no surprised there, and Tidus sported a cocky smirk on his face. 'Like I used to have...' Another sharp pang. I guessed that was supposed to represent more envy. I wanted to express myself. I can't even claim hate for not being able to do so. 'What is the point of living?' I thought again and again. It's stupid to tack on "grimly" or "sadly"; I didn't know the difference anymore...
-
Freezing
Can't move at all
Screaming
Can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under Ice
-
The glass grew slightly reflective as I moved closer, the picture slowly fading into jumbled clouds again. My face was so still. It looked fake, artificial, though we all know that is simply delusional thinking.
I started to manipulate my features, pulling at my cheeks, lifting my forehead, opening my half-closed blank eyes. After I suppose was several minutes, I stare at my "smiling" face, held up by painfully nimble fingers. It was the scariest and most ugly sight that I ever did see, but I suddenly seemed to have a personality, seemed to be real.
Since it was outside my "restrictions", I never actually could prove it, but all that I had done was simply wishful thinking. I said my "plastic" face was the artificial one; Hah, if only! The grinning gargoyle before me was all the proof I needed. My fingers fell from my mask, and again, I was left with "nothing", except a face.
-
Scream from my soul
Fate, mystified
Hell, forever more
-
The next part must have been pulled from my lost heart. How else would this stupid glass know? The twisting clouds grew faint in colour and faded away, parting to reveal the beach again. If I still had my heart, well, I wouldn't be here, would I? Dammit, I couldn't even have self-pity? What the hell is the point?
'Didn't you already ask and answer that?'
Well anyway, if I still had it, then it would be pounding with a screwed up mixture of pain and happiness, I'm sure.
I suppose that's the real torture. You know the emotions, you know the feelings, you can speak them (I guess), but you can't have them.
I saw Kairi and Sora talking on the beach, but I couldn't hear the words. Maybe that's what they mean my soundproof glass? I again blankly cursed at my inability to react to such a comment. What's the good in humour if you can't laugh or smirk at it? More sharp pangs, emotionless as ever. I guess they were supposed to be frustration, but what the hell do I know?
I watched Sora sit up, talk to Kairi. Kairi knocked him upside the head and walked up to the waterline. More "silent" words were said. Kairi turns, then smiles. Then...then...do I risk saying what I saw next? What a stupid question! I couldn't "feel" a thing... no one else was there; lucky bastards. Another pang. But even if they were, they wouldn't (and couldn't) give a damn anyway. I saw...
-
Scream from my soul
Fate, mystified
Hell, forever more
-
I saw me... I was carrying a log and stopped in front of the other two. I saw myself say something and then give off a playful smirk... Bombarded by shooting darts that slashed through my empty chest, I stumbled backwards, landing on my butt. Was I allowed to do that? The idea was growing foreign to me. I never knew the heart controlled belief either. Obviously, it did, because I was unable to state that I couldn't believe what I saw. But there it was, inches in front of me...
I threw the log at Sora and scolded Kairi for something... My emotions could change once?... I flopped in the sand and conversed with Sora and Kairi. Kairi shouted something and after a second of pause, Sora and I took off, my guess was a race. Sora was grinning confidently, Kairi was enjoying herself and I... The picture in the glass froze. I was in mid-stride, glancing at Sora. I had the most amused look on my face. A mixture of fun and content; my aquamarine eyes sparkling with joy.
I slowly stood up and mechanically moved towards the scene in front of me. Again, more unattainable disbelief. "Is that really me?" My hand extended forward, as if in slow motion to touch "my" face...
'Don't you mean was?'
My index finger grazed the glass and "my" face exploded, shifting and cracking until the image fell and shattered its remains at my feet.
-
No release from my cryonic state
What is this? I've been stricken by fate
Wrapped up tight, cannot move, can't break free
Hand of doom has a tight grip on me
-
As I briefed earlier, I suppose the real torture isn't simply losing your emotions. I could care less, (not just literally speaking), about having emotions to express. It's the want to express them that really brings those stabbing pains. I can see feelings, I can distinguish feelings, I know what they do...Just like anybody. Except there's one small difference...
I can't express them...
It's not that I want to; it's that I simply cannot. I'll bet the idiot who said "can't" doesn't exist is suffocating on his foot right now; fool. I hate being unable to do something that I once could do, but lost it to foolish whims. Hah! Though that statement is valid, it isn't literally true...Hmm, how ironic. If I could smirk then, I would have been in deep pleasure.
-
I'm trapped under Ice
-
The morale is painfully obvious here. You never appreciate what you have until you don't have it.
But yet again, I'm the special case. I never appreciated my heart then and never will I be able to do so. I hope on one finds this tragic. God knows I don't...
------------------------------------------Fin----------------------------------------------------------
So, what did you think? This was one of the hardest things I have ever written. My emotion adverbs were not permitted and you can only imagine my frustration. Eventually, I used that and coughed out this. I'm actually happy with this. At least I would be if I was permitted to be... but then, as you can see, that is simply impossible.