I didn't see any of my old governesses anymore. I had no further need for them after I finished Hogwarts. The way education worked was that all pureblood witches and wizards were tutored by governesses or private tutors when they were 5 years old, all the way up til 11. Then we sometimes got tutoring in the holidays, but usually it stopped by third or fourth year. The only subjects that continued were ballroom dancing for balls, music and art, subjects of that arc.
All the governesses and tutors were either old family friends who needed a job and had some competency in an area, or extremely competent halfbloods that worked their way up into pureblood circles and were on good enough terms to be granted the privilege to teach their children. Even hiring governesses and tutors wasn't absent from the same politics that plagued us with the media and people at Hogwarts.
After someone had worked for one of us they were much sought after by all future employer's, meaning we gave all the people we hired more than just a job - we gave them a name. When someone worked for us they no doubt had many privileges - a lovely Manor to work at, usually gifts at Christmas or other special events that were truly extravagant (even if we disliked them, we could not do the injustice of buying them a horrible gift simply because of the simple luxury we were used to), sometimes transportation if they couldn't find a way on their own - we would no doubt pitch in. Any materials they wanted we would foot the bill. If they were ill of in want of something at the Manor it would most likely be available in great properties.
They had that as well. And if they were to ever struggle in the future, there was the implication that we might pitch in or help them out. Roles at wealthy socialite families were well sought after. From what mother told me of what she'd heard people fought among themselves in order to look good enough at the interview or in front of us in to get the position. Apparently some even backstabbed each other and ran into all sorts of feuds just to work for us. Some even gave up their personal secrets to try and tempt us into accepting them, hoping that we might also find some value in whatever secret they'd kept about their ways in the world all this time.
Even though they were governesses and tutors, mother always told me they were wolves in sheep's clothing and to be cautious around them. Many of them had ulterior motives.
I remembered all the years of my childhood with that distance between them. I learnt a lot from my tutors and governesses, but I'd be lying if I said it was any more light-hearted or less tensionness than the other areas of my life. Thankfully however, the governesses and tutors were required to mostly just teach during that time so if they had any questions that could cause me discomfort I was greater saved from hearing it in those lessons than otherwise.
All of the governesses and tutors were knowledgeable - we hired the best in terms of quality - but I trusted so few. I always kept a guard up around them.
They each got a portrait in the Manor's of the children they tutored. Most tutored for a number of years. The portraits weren't a reflection of their own brilliancy as teacher's, but rather as an accessory of the brilliancy of the pureblood child, or in my case - myself.
I looked at all the governesses and tutors that I had, their achievements listed underneath their portraits and the subjects they tutored me in and for how long. The way everything was laid out it was as if boasting of the life that I, the latest Parkinson child, lived, and not of each individual tutor's own accomplishments or anything.
I walked along the gallery with a bit of a sad pang in my chest. They marked eras of my life that had already passed. Childhood was over, the Hogwarts years were over, now there was...
It was getting dark. Dinner was almost ready. I had the feeling mother might like my help tonight. She seemed awfully busy with a lot of paperwork and mail earlier on today, so I thought she would most likely be a little tired and I helped out sometimes even when she wasn't tired.
I pulled myself away from the gallery. My hunch was right and my mother welcomed me excitedly when she saw that I had arrived, pointing out to work she already wanted me to do. I pulled out my wand from my dress, all of my dresses had deep pockets perfect for wands, and got to work with the household charms to prepare dinner. Luckily I helped mother clean and cook on a somewhat regular basis I was able to remember and casually cast most of them.
After we finished cooking father came home and we had dinner.
My thoughts were still on the passing of my childhood, the Hogwarts years and now...
I was so successful. Successful for a wealthy, aristocratic, pureblood magical child. Maybe not by a muggle-born or halfblood's idea of success, but by our own expectations and standards by all account I was successful. I felt like I had done those years well so to speak, even if I had my unhappiness and tumultous moments in life. But now what was the next thing...
Marriage? Engagement?
It felt like that was the most important life stage in a pureblood's wealthy socialite's child or life after childhood and Hogwarts.
I was a little scared if I had to be honest. I tried to tell myself that we all were. All the other pureblood wealthy socialite's felt a little uneasy when it came to this invisible but highly pressurised stage of life we were all passing through. There was a lot of emphasis to get things right in this stage of life and well...
I suppose I always felt nervous before every strong twist and turn of my life, every significant life stage. I was perhaps a little gloomy at just coming to realisations with how significant this next stage was now.
I so badly didn't want to screw anything up...
"How's your day? Better?" asked my father over dinner.
"Not really. I was just thinking of the fact that I'm in the stage of my life to start looking at marriage soon there was no one from Hogwarts I really liked," I admitted.
During my time at Hogwarts, I'd tried to make it sound like I had more to do with Draco to my parents. I'd casually dropped references of us doing things together at Hogwarts, of us talking to each other, things he had told me, but I hadn't mentioned anything much about being in an exclusive relationship with Draco nor of him promising for the two of us to be together in the future because there was no such thing like that. Even just mere mentionings of Draco in my daily life seemed to impress my parents. I did mention I had gotten in a relationship with Draco in fourth year, and I had written to let my mother know we had broken up about a week after we actually broke up, it took me that long to gather up my emotions and write her a decently composed letter from Hogwarts.
I wasn't sure if my father ever knew of that break-up. But I hadn't gotten the impression he thought I was dating anyone in the last few years of highschool so perhaps he assumed we broke up at some other time.
I'd always imagined 'liking' someone at Hogwarts to mean finding my one, or at least being girlfriend and boyfriend for longer than a month, having more discussions of exclusivity, so in a way, I didn't think of Draco as 'the one' from Hogwarts. He might be 'the one' outside of Hogwarts, with a Hogwarts past, but I never got my happy ending whilst I was at Hogwarts. He was perhaps better described as a secretive crush I tried to get closer to at Hogwarts but ultimately failed and now we were courting as adults, just with a bit of awkward Hogwarts history between us.
"Didn't you date Draco for three weeks in fourth year? How was that relationship?" asked my mother.
I had spoken of Draco before it, mentioned I was in a relationship, and then that I broke up, but I had not exactly told my mother all the details back then. I didn't realise how much she wasn't aware of everything until now. Well, most of my thoughts and feelings towards Draco were only things I knew, but perhaps I expected my mother to know more because she was my mother, and I was surprised that she didn't. Even though I shouldn't have the expectation she did because I told her what really happened, all my thoughts and everything in no real way back then.
"It didn't work out well. He was busy with his studies afterwards, then I presume deatheater duties - possibly he knew he was going to be occupied with them in the last year's of Hogwarts even then. I was also busy with my studies, I don't really need an OWL or NEWTs but I didn't want to do too badly so I still tried a bit," I admitted.
It was true that when Draco broke up with me, he stated that this meant more time to focus on study next year which would be good for us, and also other things. I had naively nodded along to him then, but either way, it wasn't an exact lie I was telling my mother. It was a reason he mentioned.
"He couldn't have known in fourth year. He just wanted to focus on his studies then, and wasn't really looking for a relationship then," said my mother.
I wanted to disagree with her but as always - she was probably right.
"Alright, so he didn't know what he was going to do with the deatheaters in fourth year. But it was still not a relationship that meant very much to be at all," I said, and then added, "I suspect he only asked me out because the-"
"Yule Ball was coming up and he felt a little something against simply going with a girl for that one night. He wanted to attend the dance with a girl that meant a little more to him so he asked you to be his girlfriend, but it was not a real relationship," mother surmised.
I couldn't help but agree even though I had ramped up my flirting for weeks before the Yule Ball hoping Draco would ask. Instead of just asking me to be his partner for the Ball he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend. Towards the start of the three week and a few days long relationship he was actually fairly sweet. Just for a day or two. But then he became cool and I tried so hard to please him and be the perfect girlfriend but I felt like I was putting in so much just to see a little bit of return from him and then the pain grew unbearable and perhaps I was even a bit glad when Draco called it of, even if I didn't show it.
"It was nice of him to even ask of you to be his girlfriend then," said father. He wasn't as sharp as my mother when it came to people, but he was rarely ever wrong in the opinions he chose to give.
"Why were you asking about Draco mother?" I said, remembering that it was her who lead this conversation, "do you think he is suited for me in any regard?"
"It is good to get experience. Purebloods don't marry the first person they date you know. Some marry the second or third person, some the fourth or fifth. We don't date say fifteen or twenty-five people, but we do date more than one. You have the next decade of your life to attend pureblood events, get to know all the high-class society well to truly find a partner," said mother, "I was just curious what dating experience you had with Draco. I'm sorry it was so little."
"But not her. I snapped her up the moment I laid eyes at her at a pureblood wealthy socialite event," said my father with a fond smile at my mother, "she's a keeper that one. I'm the lucky one to have her. When I saw her and knew of everything your mother was, I just knew I had to have her."
"Oh stop it you," said my mother, "don't believe a word he says. I'm the lucky one to find a man like him."
"As fairytale as your own relationship was. I don't believe I'm quite in the same boat," I said as I finished the last of my dinner. Mother then waved her hand and all the plates and cultery floated towards the kitchen sink. She had set of some enchantments around the place. She then waved her hand again and dessert floated there in a timely manner. We always had dessert four nights out of seven. It was just proper. We also dressed up for dinner, often wearing evening comfortable casual. I had gotten so used to changing several times a day - wealthy socialites actually changed their outfits a few times a day to match the occasion - I scarcely noticed I was doing it anymore.
"Things were simpler in our time," mused my mother.
The next topic of conversation was a funny story from father's work that had us chuckling for ages. Father was a genius when it came to business and often his story's were to live for. The only downside was that there wasn't enough time at home to hear them all. So many insights and ideas the ordinary person wouldn't even dream to think of but seemed to come to him naturally. I used to think he practically breathed business and understood it like some powerful witches and wizards understood magic inside and out. Sometimes I thought it was a pity all the wealth he pocketed from his business - a fair amount with muggles - were converted into wizarding currency and that muggles couldn't understand how good of a businessman he was, because I always had the vaguest feeling that if he was born as a muggle, he would still be incredibly wealthy and successful even in the muggle world, on account of his business skills.
It was a shame a lot of the people he did business with would never see it. Though I supposed it didn't bother father - he was not one to care about things like that - so it didn't really matter.
After dinner we had a bit of family time in one of our music rooms. We took turns playing some pieces on the piano. Not the grand piano downstairs in the ballroom but another one upstairs. All of us played though none of us were particularly good at it. We were all good enough to enjoy playing for leisure however and delighted in a bit of music and airy chatter that felt effortless and flowy as it rang all around us.
It had been a good evening but when I went to bed I could scarcely hold in my sobs as my realisation echoed around in my brain.
I had never been in a real relationship with Draco Malfoy at Hogwarts. Those three weeks and a day were just a short, miserable trip, that was born out of his awkwardness to go to the dance with someone who hadn't been his girlfriend at the time. I was never in any real relationship with him. Despite how much I wanted to be and how much it pained me to not be in one with him.
It took all my will to stop myself from crying to sleep that night. It was mostly because I didn't want to wake up with my eyelashes glued together in the morning, not because it didn't hurt.