Christmas came and went. I had a lot more gatherings with Hogwarts acquaintances, even adults several decades older than me who probably wished for some of my wealth to go into their investments in the future. I didn't particularly want to spend a lot of time getting into business because I wasn't sure it was what I wanted to do for this point in my life but those adults were good, shrewd, sharp, with their words, and I had previously not faced such cunning people before. Even though I'm fairly cunning myself because I'm Slytherin to the core, I was still somehow tricked into meeting up with a few of them regularly and so those regular meetings were just something I came to accept. As always I tried to keep it low and not overtax myself with things I didn't understand or want to get into, but they were a part of my reality now.
I still invested in some people whose correspondence was mostly over mail. I had to meet up with Daphne, Millicent and Tracey a handful more times but just my time with other wealthy socialite purebloods - it felt too little, too less, and all too soon my refuge with them was over. I was tossed into my responsibilities and duties of the world again. My time with people who understood me had ended.
I had several more family gatherings. Mostly everyone was impressed by the increased scale of my investment since I graduated from Hogwarts, and the way that I was apparently doing 'post-Hogwarts pureblood socialite life well', but I didn't let on how distraught, sad, upset, in pain, I was at many things in my life. I doubted anyone in my family would understand my feelings with Draco.
I did not see Draco until after Christmas where I attended his race.
My Christmas had been relatively good. Long chats with my family, weeks of family bonding time on end, week long holiday to a luxurious hotel by a popular muggle beach halfway across the world, mountains of presents. No less than the usual. Father bought a lot of muggle items this time, perhaps due to that conversation over breakfast before Christmas where I mentioned I had a dream about being a muggle again. Muggle luxury goods hadn't improved majorly since the last time father bought such a huge haul - mostly the same things, just a few small adjustments, nothing really earth-shattering new. Nonetheless I liked most of them. They were majority cosmetics, clothes, food, jewellery, furniture, trinkets, things like that, but father had picked the most muggle-looking ones.
I was feeling relatively refreshed but then I remembered I had the horse-race, which was Draco's event.
It was a rented stadium for the day. I sat in the top box, but it was one whom all the seats Draco had reserved so it was only Draco and I that were intended for it.
All the Slytherins from my year at Hogwarts, and many more, as well as connections and associates we all had were seated below, but it was clear as day from where I was sitting in the top box below that I had come as the date of someone high up there. Most likely Draco Malfoy as enough people would remember we were briefly together for about three to four weeks in fourth year, or at least they wouldn't be surprised to see that I was in regular contact with him.
I could feel a bit of respect and admiration from the way others looked at me, but also a lot of loneliness. No one could possibly guess the hell and eternal torture Draco was putting me under.
I saw the Slytherins from my year at Hogwarts; but some were also in their own top box so we did not talk much. I felt like a barbie doll on display and that everyone was looking at me to see what a proper wealthy socialite pureblood housewife in the making would be. The sort of role all pureblood female children grew up to be and now I had reached of age to make it happen and people were watching me out of curiosity to see the process on display. I always felt watched. It was just an uncanny sensation I'd grown up with.
I made sure to smile, nod or wave if I caught anyone's eye. This was much of the same crowd as I invited to my ball last year and so it would do me well to keep on good terms with everyone.
The race was boring.
I realised that I liked riding horses because it saved me from exercise, and I liked looking at them because I thought a properly cared for horse looked beautiful, but races were boring. They moved too fast for their beauty to be admired much. I was not particularly interested in the horses getting exercise throughout the duration of the race. I had never particularly cared beforehand if any of the horses in my stable or anyone else's was getting adequate exercise (mother's words came back - self-centred, not that I wouldn't deny it), and although I acknowledged it was probably better for them to stretch their legs once in a while, I did not particularly care for it. I could've turned my back, had someone told me the race ocurred, and not been any more interested.
The best thing about the day was probably dressing up in a nice dress, gloves, hat and shoes for it. Draco had bought me a very expensive pair of shoes for the event. His tastes were on point, it was expensive, it was classy, it showed wealth and good upbringing. But he seemed to have gone for something wealthy and expensive, without keeping in mind that I preferred to wear a long dress for occasions like this and that the high-heels, as expensive as they were, were not actually visible under the near floor-length train of my dress.
I felt a bit of huffy impatience rise up at this. I wasn't not going to wear a long dress because everyone else was for an event like this and I didn't want to look out of place. Trust Draco not to know. In a way he was still a guy, one who didn't understand girly things sometimes.
When the day was over Draco came to the box, snaking one arm around my waist as he pulled me away and we headed down the steps where we wondered around the oval several times. There were no more races now, and people were being more casual, chatting on the grassy field around the oval but not crossing the metal gates that lined the racecourse.
"How was the race?" he asked. The eyebags and shadows underneath his eyes had disappeared since his ball. It seemed the horse-riding he must've done in preparation had made him recover slightly from whatever state he was immediately after his seventh year at Hogwarts.
"I didn't watch you," I told him flatly, "because I couldn't really spot you from the other jockeys. You all look the same and even the horses look the same to me from the distance above. You were all sort of neck and neck there was no real fun in watching it or anything. It was all the same mostly. After a while I just gave up and tried to sit and look pretty."
Draco had his ability about him, to make me be honest. In all my years around him ever since first year at Hogwarts I had never lied to him. I had nervously tiptoed around topics I thought he might like because I didn't know him well enough, I had reworded my statements to be politer according to pureblood traditions for what I should or shouldn't say, because he was the only guy who I had to do that for, but otherwise Draco had the uncanny ability to make a girl want to pour their heart out to him. He was someone that had I truly felt had picked me as his 'one', I would've been quite happy to spill and just blather and talk about my innermost and deeper thoughts with him. Like I just had the yearning to do that...
"Of course. Theo warned me the ladies would find it boring. I thought there'd be a little more interest but I suppose the more I learn," mused Draco.
We returned when we had reached the far side of the track and snaked our way back around again. We were closer to the section where the other jockeys and their partners were so there were less people and thus we had a bit of privacy to ourselves.
On the field it was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the grass was simply too green for this time of year, the crowd and people were happy, it was a better event than we could've hoped for. It was still winter so my dress was thick and long, but the air felt crisper, fresher, and no one had to worry about the horses overheating or anything.
"Your eyebags have disappeared," I said, "don't lie. I know you had them and I thought it was awful when you did. It seems the horse riding as done you some good."
Draco smirked, "who are you? My mother," he jibed, but there was a somehow a comfortable sense of familiarity that fell between us at this.
The guy who didn't understand girl's that well and bought expensive shoes for the event that couldn't be seen. The girl who fussed over small beauty, makeup, or self-care things that the guy missed. A dynamic I'm sure was present in many pureblood wealthy socialite family's relationships and whom I felt comfortable slipping into with Draco. Like it was a step in the right direction.
"Pansy, you finally dating Draco or something? Finally I'll have good gossip to share. None of my friends are dating, how's that for post Hogwarts relationships? And I'm not in a relationship either," said Tracey, who apparently couldn't hold back anymore. She had crossed the field to where Draco and I were and was how chatting to us. She fluttered her eyes a little as she said this, beaming at Draco. Perhaps she didn't understand how thick things were between Draco and I so she thought he was single and up for flirting. Well...
"We're of the same class. It's natural we'll be seen together in public. Go run along to your friends before you get more ideas of tales to cry wolf about so that if and when I do date someone for real, no one believes you anymore," I said flatly.
I preferred to mostly talk in a straightforward way, sometimes being careful with my wording because it was commonplace to in this part of society, but I mostly tried to word things in a straightforward way. I wasn't particularly fond of lying or manipulation though. I was more of a straightforward person and preferred to just bully people outright if I had to bully. I was cunning only in actions however. I had always been cunning only in action and it was the Sorting Hat's immedite response to put me in Slytherin all these years ago. I had never doubted my place in Slytherin, and I often thought it was other people's foolishness if they did.
"Aw, you two would make such a good couple. My life is boring, I want more action," said Tracey but she looked close to going away.
"I didn't know your dormmates were so pathetic," smirked Draco.
He didn't really know the Slytherin girls all that well in the year. I was the one he knew best. Nor did I know the Slytherin guys as well as the other Slytherin girls, or even some suck-ups at Hogwarts that demanded more of my time. I wasn't surprised he was new to Tracey.
"Tracey's always been chatty," I tried to minimise the chances of a full on conflict or argument there, though I hoped Tracey would go away soon.
"Not about anything interesting," he said coolly.
I smiled to placate him but I didn't want a fight to break out. Mostly because I was a bit afraid Tracey might say something negative about Draco and then he might reveal more of the fact that we were sort of seeing each other to her, and then news would really hit, other people would catch on and start applauding or congratulating me, or otherwise looking at me with a lot more admiration and respect than before and I wouldn't really know how to respond to it all. Especially as I still wasn't sure about my feelings towards Draco or his feeling's towards me yet. I really wanted Tracey to go away.
I got my wish but Celestia came to replace her.
"Everyone's been talking! Do you think Daphne's going to get with Goyle soon? He's looked so much more handsome after he graduated from Hogwarts!" gushed Celestia, "can I interview you for an article?"
I knew immediately an article was going to go up about me, and probably any other notable people at this event as well.
"Is your new boo Draco Malfoy?" Celestia asked, not giving me time to answer because well I guess she had never been looking for an answer to that question anyway.
Irritation sparked within me. Just go way Celestia.
"We're of the same class so it's only natural we hang out together. She isn't my new boo or anything with such heavy associations simply because we choose to rock up at the same high-class events together. While she may not be my 'boo' I don't like my companions to be incessantly questioned about this as if it is not a normal occurrence of their social class or standing and I will see something done about it if it bothers me some more," he drawled in the casually lofty way he always did when he was talking to someone he deemed below him, but a little higher than the golden trio so he was not directly mocking, but there was a sting to his voice. He would bite if his bark wasn't enough.
Celestia's eyes widened. "Oh. I'm sorry, of course," she actually sounded a little apologetic and taken aback as she turned around and left, though no doubt a little happy at such a long quote. Perhaps it had been the unintentional length of his quote that had made her so momentarily happy she didn't stay behind to press any further and instead left us alone for a bit.
"Come. I want you to meet the winning horse of the event. Nutmeg came third, but Pucey's mare Hardly, came first. It is only fair you meet the winner of the race at least once," said Draco before he snaked an arm around my waist and walked me over. I could feel all eyes on me, but in a subdued sense for I was sure both Tracey and Celestia had spread around the general idea we weren't actually dating or a couple by now. Apparently Draco's speech had done quite a number on Celestia.
I felt a little sad, wistful, lonely, happy in a bittersweet way all at the same time as we crossed the sunny banks of the oval and towards the biggest horse of the lot. Quite a crowd was already gathered around him.
I felt happy because Draco had his arm around me, he held me close like we were a couple, like if he just pulled me into a spin out of a whim, kissed me right there and then, no one would believe we weren't a couple. I felt happy because I could feel one step closer to being a couple with him, judging from the stares and glances of the others, but yet also far because I knew we weren't truly a couple beneath the surface, and remembering to our picnic conversation, I didn't feel we would be a couple for many many years.
It was tantalisingly close.
To be in public with Draco, be almost seen as a couple, I could practically taste the success, but yet so far. Yet knowing that it was all an act, a facade, nothing had truly clicked deep down underneath.
So so close. I could taste it even more today than other days.
But so so far.
My heart seared and burned. Pain and agony spread all throughout me. I was both happy and not.
I could only manage a fake smile as I neared Hardly and Pucey held him still so I could pet him, as I pretended to be interested doing so.
I wasn't quite aware I would feel so much happiness and pain on this day until I was right there in the very moment. Towards the end, when Draco looked at me, as if to talk to me one last time before we would be due to part ways and go home separately, there was this look in his eyes like he did not understand anything of how I felt all day, like he expected me to just casually say goodbye to him, be happy deep down at all of this, and shrug it of and go on another day, this expectation that I felt slip over me like a net I didn't quite want that was slowly choking and suffocating me that I just...
felt even more caged in, on what was already a somewhat tumultous day.
(Fourth year. The Slytherin girls and a few Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs staring at me as I walked through Hogwarts halls with Draco around my side. The crowd parted for us, we were flanked by some of his friends and clearly looking cool. I could practically see the expectations on almost everyone else's faces. For a brief three or four weeks in fourth year, people really did believe we were a couple, I was his girl, and I got treated with the vestiges of royalty, if I remembered correctly.
All whilst I secretly boiled with muted agony inside. To be so close to him but so far. Back then.
Now.)
"Pansy?" Draco's voice jolted me out of my memories.
I pulled myself out of a few of the Hogwarts corridors seemingly closing in on me, before I turned around and faced him once more. We had finished listening to Pucey talk about Hardly for a few more moments and had now wandered a little way of again, sort of on our own.
"Yes?" I said sharply as if I was not lost in memories at all, smiling at him. Enough of a lack of time had passed that I would be the only one who knew I was pulled into other memories then.
"What do you think about a second race? I thought you wouldn't be interested in such an event again but I thought maybe you would want one for another reason and it was rude to not at least ask..." was all he said.
"I like seeing how healthy you look since you've been riding Nutmeg regularly," I told him, "do it. For that."
A look of surprise swept over his face, like he expected me to say yes for his prowess riding, or the handsome way he looked or something.
He smirked, "funny reason, but I'll take it. It's not the worst remark. I've a bit more interest in Nutmeg before I get bored and leave it up to mother to exercise her. She loves horses."
"Well, can't wait to see you again next time," I smiled at him.
Everything is sweet and hazy and nice on this blissfully sunny Saturday.
But yet all I feel is the deepest bittersweet.