The Return of Dr. Evil
ACT III
Dr. Evil's sub-arctic HQ:
Dr. Evil: Hah hah hah hah! Now that we have the Lacour Hope 'laser' we can move on to the next part of our plan., You planted the remote-viewing mechanism behind for the royalty of Lacour to find, right Yul?
Yul: No problem there, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: Hear that, Mini-Me. Here comes the good part, where we begin to hold the world ransom.
Mini-Me: (smiles)
Dr. Evil: Activate the remote-viewing mechanism!
Frau: Activate TeeVEEEE!!!!
The remote viewer activated. On the screen we see a very surprised Rena, Celine, Dias, Ashton, Leon, and King Lacour.
Dr. Evil: Hello, pesky Expelians. I see you've gotten my remote-viewing mechanism as intended. Hope you've enjoyed your Cold War "diversion," too. I wouldn't want you to meet your end without knowing your nemesis. My name is Dr. Evil, and with Zand, we shall claim Expel for ourselves!
Celine: Take over Expel!? We've dealt with people like you before! You're despicable!
Dr. Evil: I'd watch your tongue if I were you, at any moment I could fire the Lacour Hope "laser" onto your little capital city.
Rena: Really?
Dr. Evil: Well, not really. Actually I'm going to set up a mining operation on the Hoffman ruins in order to acquire the 'Energy Stones' needed to power the "laser," yeah.
Scott: Wait, why are you telling them that? Ass.
Dr. Evil: It is the 5th phase of a 12 step recovery program I like to call the Arctic Ascension, or the Double A for short.
All: ....
Scott: The Double A involved using a 12 step program to cure Alcohol Addicts back on Earth, it was known as Alcoholics Anonymous, asswipe.
Dr. Evil: ... So anyway, in a short while, we will target every capitol city on the hour every hour, unless of course you pay Zand and I....
Dramatic beat.
Dr. Evil: One... BILLION... Dollars!
Zand: Huh?
All: ....
Number 2: A-hem.
Dr. Evil: What?
Number 2: The currency on this planet is known as FOL. Nobody from this planet knows what a 'dollar' is.
Dr. Evil: You're telling me that I can't even hold the frikkin world ransom for some frikkin cash?
Number 2: Well, we're kind of stuck here, don't you think FOL - the only currency - will take us much further anyway?
Dr. Evil: Well, I suppose. Yeah.
Dramatic beat.
Dr. Evil: ... One... MILLION... FOL!
All Protagonists: Hahahahahaha!
Dr. Evil: Alright, what is it this time?
Number 2: A million FOL isn't exactly a lot to request from the most powerful kingdoms of the planet, Dr. Evil. Roughly a dozen FOL equates to a single dollar from our time. Basically, you're only asking for less than a hundred thousand dollars.
Dr. Evil: Alright, screw it. I want a Gagillion-Bazillion-Quintillion-Jubillion dollars!
Number 2: FOL.
Dr. Evil: Right, FOL. I've made my request. Good day.
The remote-viewer deactivates.
Scott: Damn you, you've just screwed us again! You told them what our plan was before you even got to finish it! You do this every time!
Dr. Evil: Listen, Scott. I run the show here, okay? And I'm getting frikkin sick and tired of your frikkin yapping. We already have the frikkin laser! And we're safe on this frikkin Sub-frikkin arctic HQ! It's in the middle of frikkin nowhere ya know?
Scott: ....
Dr. Evil: Now, we must begin operations on the Hoffman mainland immediately. Since those who work there will have a 49-hour work week, they shall be known as the Miner 49'ers. Zand, Fat Bastard, you'll be in charge of the mining operation.
Fat Bastard: What's in it for me?
Dr. Evil: You'll both get your own quarters with all the delicacies Expel has to offer, plus a generous amount of money.
Zand: FOL money.
Dr. Evil: Right....
XXX
Cut to the Lacour Castle. Rena, Celine, Ashton, Dias, Leon and the King are all discussing plans in the meeting room.
Leon: It was Zand that let Dr. Evil in on the secrets of the Lacour Hope!
Rena: I wonder what Yul was doing with them? I trusted that guy, I can't believe he was in league with Zand all along.
Dias: Dr. Evil said that they were setting up a mining operation on the Hoffman mainland. Presumably this would be in the Hoffman ruins, where Leon found the Energy Stone the first time around.
Celine: This means that we should strike the Hoffman Ruins first.
King Lacour: Celine is right... if we cut off the supply of Energy Stone to Dr. Evil's main base, than the Lacour Hope will have no power source. It would take less manpower anyway than to move the Lacour Hope itself back to our nation.
Ashton: So we'll sneak in, cut off the supply, then hop to the main hideout, right?
King Lacour: Precisely.
Ashton: Sounds like a plan.
XXX
Sailing by ship, the group exists off of it on to a small lifeboat a few miles from the shore. The boat is special, equipped with navigation equipment to aid in the landfall.
Cut to the Hoffman beach, where everyone is seen exiting the boat. Climbing over a ridge, through a dense tangle of trees, they finally come to the Hoffman Ruins themselves.
Dias: Well guys, here we are.
Ashton: Anything going on inside?
Celine: There's only one way to find out.
Climbing up the steep stairs that lead to the ruin's entrance, the group creeps through the still-
open doorway. Overlooking a ledge next to the main lift down, everyone can see hundreds of workers chipping away at ores, metals, and diamonds, looking for raw Energy Stone deposits.
Ashton: Damn, they've set up work here pretty quickly.
Rena: There's too many of them, what should we do?
Celine: Let's creep about, see if we can see some overseers or leaders. Get rid of them, then see what happens.
Dias: Sounds like a plan.
Suddenly, the whole place begins to shake.
Rena: Yikes! What's that!?
Ashton: A quake!?
Dias: No, look!
The group turns to see a really large, really obese man pounding his way through the clearing. Finally, he stops moving - the shaking ceases. He was the source of it after all.
Leon: That guy! He was on the machine that stole my weapon!
Fat Bastard: (to subordinates) Aye, keep it up. These rock walls have the same chunky texture as my shit! Aye, I can recall the last time I went. The stuff kinda spurted out; very chunky. Ruined my golden toilet seat Zand gave me, too.
Rena: ....
Celine: So that's who convinced Zand to relocate! NOT my kind of guy.
Fat Bastard: (continues) Ya, a lot of corn in those chunks too! And the fact that I had beans certainly doesn't help. fffffffart Ugh, I gotta go, keep working!
Exit Fat Bastard.
Rena: That was disgusting.
Dias: He seems to be the one we should go after first.
Ashton: Alright, then... let's go!
Celine: Ashton, wait-
Ashton: (runs) We must get him before he gets away!
Rena: Hey, wait up!
Miner: Hey, who are those people?
Celine: Great, they've spotted us!
A few dozen miners come charging at the group with picks and axes. Between Southern Cross, Firebird Shockwave and a host of other moves, they were all but destroyed. However, more miners were coming. And more... and more....
Celine: There's too many of them! We can't hold out!
Enter Fat Bastard and Zand, along with a dozen Terminators.
Fat Bastard: Ugh, I can't describe in words how relieved I feel. It's better than sex.
Zand: It seems we have some imposters. Gag the spell casters. Send them all to Dr. Evil. We now have enough of the Energy Stone to commence with the next step.
Celine: Why you-
Zand: Ah ah aah. It will be a cold Hell for you. Send them away!
Rena: Thanks a lot, Ashton.
Ashton: ....
What will happen to our heroes? Read the next and final chapter to find out!