The Dreadnoks torched the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own GI Joe characters. I just had a thought come through my head, how do they get these crazy plans to take over the world? This was all I could come up with.
It's Not Easy Being Evil
"All right," Cobra Commander spoke to his council. "You're probably wondering why I called you all here my elite Cobra Council. All of you sitting at this table are the brightest minds and brilliant strategists we have. Destro, The Baroness, Dr. Mindbender, Zartan, Major Bludd, Xamot, Tomax, Zandar, Zarana and…The Dreadnoks?"
"Cor I still can't find the stupid sock!" Ripper grunted as he read a Highlights magazine.
"It's in the bloody tree stupid," Torch told him.
"Where? I can't see it," Ripper said. "All I can find is a kitty cat and a tire iron."
"Not that tree you twit," Buzzer pointed. "The other one."
"Oh I see it now," Ripper circled it.
"Oh yeah there's a mental challenge," Monkeywrench snorted as he tried to do a crossword puzzle. "Seven down: Where Big Bird lives. Begins with an S. Well I know it ends with lane…"
"Zartan, why the hell are they here?" Cobra Commander glared at him.
"I couldn't get a sitter okay?" Zartan told him. "The last time I left them unsupervised they set the base on fire. And since it was under the Atlantic Ocean that's no small achievement."
"All right then," Cobra Commander sighed. "Moving on I called you all here for the sole purpose of discussing our latest plan to conquer the world."
"We don't have a new plan to conquer the world," Major Bludd said.
"That's what the meetings for bright boy!" Zarana snapped.
"Let's face it," Cobra Commander admitted. "We've done so many schemes and cockamamie plots that we're running out of ideas! Now we are not leaving this room until we come up with a plausible evil scheme to help us conquer the world!"
"Ooh! Ooh!" Torch raised his hand. "I got it! I got it! Pick me! Pick me!"
"Torch we are not in grade school," Destro sighed. "Even though I acknowledge your IQ is…"
"That's a pretty high estimation," The Baroness said.
"Please! Pick me! Pick me!" Torch continued to wave his hand.
"Oh all right Torch go ahead!" Cobra Commander sighed. "This should be good for a laugh."
"We create an army out of giant vegetables!" Torch said proudly.
"Vegetables?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Yeah we can make it out of some kind of rocket fuel," Torch grinned. "Drop 'em all over the cities and let hordes of giant vegetables wreck the cities. And if they get out of line we just eat 'em!"
"Torch in the first place let me say that that is the most ridiculous idea I have ever heard of!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That's not evil, that's pathetic! Giant vegetables? Come on! And secondly we've already tried that and it didn't work!"
"Oh yeah, I forgot…" Torch scratched his head. "Oh wait! I got another idea!"
"Another one?" Destro sighed.
"Hey he just broke the Dreadnoks' personal record," Zartan said. "Let him go for it."
"We put together a rock band," Torch said. "We go onstage and play some music, but here's the catch, the music we play hypnotizes folks. It'll be cool! We make them pay to listen to us and then make 'em our slaves and create an army! Oooh! Or even better! Hold 'em for ransom! We can even give our band a cool name like…I dunno…"
"Cold Slither?" Destro asked in a bored tone.
"Yeah! That's a good one!" Torch nodded his head.
"Well I'm glad you think so since it's what we called the band when we already did that stupid plan!" Destro roared.
"Yeah stupid!" Ripper hit him on the head. "Where do you think you got that Grammy from?"
"We were at the Grammys?" Torch blinked.
"Torch," Zartan said in a condescending voice. "You forgot to take your pills today didn't you?"
"Uh…maybe…" Torch shrugged.
"How could you forget the Grammys?" Buzzer asked. "You mooned the audience, set fire to the podium, made a pass at Cher and got your clock cleaned. Then you drank five bottles of tequila, three glasses of gin and…Oh wait I think I just answered my own question."
"Oh yeah…" Torch nodded. "I remember that night. Heh Heh, I really had a good time. Even made out with this real hot chick Georgie…Whoo! What a woman!"
"Torch…" Zartan winced. "That was Boy George you made out with."
"Oh yeah. You think she's still available?" Torch asked. "Okay she wore a lot of makeup but still…"
Destro turned to Zartan. "Should we tell him or should we allow him to live in blissful ignorance in his own fantasy land?"
"Knowing Torch I don't think it would make much of a difference if he knew anyway," Zartan sighed.
"If we might get back on track here," Cobra Commander said. "Can someone other than Torch come up with an idea?"
"Oh! I got one!" Ripper held up his hand.
"You did say anyone besides Torch," The Baroness said to Cobra Commander.
"So I did. My mistake…" Cobra Commander rolled his eyes underneath his mask.
"We hypnotize animals instead of people," Ripper said. "Have them take over the world."
"Been there," Tomax said.
"Done that," Xamot added.
"We did?" Ripper asked. "Well then can we go back to Torch's suggestion with the rock and roll band again?"
"Reason why I prefer to spend all my free time in the Bahamas number thirty five," Destro moaned. "NO STUPID DREADNOCKS!"
"Okay I don't want to hear anything from either of you!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Since the two of you seem to be sharing the same brain cell today!"
"Dr. Mindbender you have been spending quite a lot of time in the lab," Xamot suggested.
"Have you come up with anything?" Tomax asked.
"Yes, I have been working on my latest project," Dr. Mindbender told them. "A new breed of genetically engineered soldier, more powerful and stronger than anything ever created before! With this army Cobra will be victorious!"
"In other words the same old thing?" The Baroness asked.
"Pretty much yeah," Dr. Mindbender shrugged. "Hello? Mad Genetic Scientist here! That's what I do for a living! I tinker around with DNA, create unstoppable armies. It's my specialty."
"All right we'll just keep that option on the table," Cobra Commander waved. "Genetic mutations are always good for a lark. Unless they're trying to take over my job. Anybody else?"
"What about we steal some nuclear weapons?" Major Bludd asked.
"We already have some nuclear weapons," Destro told him. "As well as several other types of bombs ten times more powerful."
"Yeah but we can always get more," Major Bludd shrugged. "Or we can try stealing more chemicals or biological weapons from governments again."
"The way those operations go it would be cheaper to pay Destro and Mindbender to make these weapons for us!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Speaking of payment, I haven't seen a check in months!" Dr. Mindbender snapped.
"Not now Mindbender," Cobra Commander told him. "Next meeting okay?"
"That's what you said the last meeting!" Dr. Mindbender snapped.
"Now that you mention it I could use a little raise myself," Major Bludd said.
"What part of 'next meeting' did you people not understand?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Why can't we talk about it now?" Zarana shouted.
"Yeah!" Torch shouted.
"Give us one good reason why we can't discuss our pay raises!" Major Bludd shouted.
Cobra Commander nonchalantly pushed a button on his chair. Out of the wall several large lasers popped out and took aim at everyone else in the room. "Oh…That's a good reason…" Major Bludd gulped. "A very good reason. Maybe we should put that on the shelf for a while."
"Y-yeah it's not that important anyway," Ripper gulped.
"I thought so," Cobra Commander withdrew the lasers. "Now we need some ideas and fast! We haven't had a decent world takeover plan for months and the new fall season on television is severely disappointing!"
"Wait a minute," Zandar said. "About those nuclear weapons we have, why don't we use them to hold a country hostage?"
"Which country?" The Baroness asked. "The state of Kentucky has more weapons than we do!"
"Yeah practically every country in the world now has nuclear weapons," Monkeywrench said. "Even I know that!"
"It's really kind of pointless now," Zartan sighed. "What about biological weapons?"
"Same thing," Destro told him. "Nearly every country in the world has some kind of secret weapons projects. Except ironically Iraq."
"Well now yeah," Zartan said. "Besides haven't we done something like this before? Say a dozen times?"
"You have a point," Cobra Commander sighed. "Now it's good to fall back on I admit but it is kind of getting a little old. We're looking for new fresh ideas! Come on people!"
"I have an idea," Monkeywrench read from a piece of paper. "We could steal people's youth by stealing their…feces?"
"Faces!" Torch hissed.
"Oh sorry, faces!" Monkeywrench said. "I couldn't read it."
"I didn't know you could read period," Destro remarked.
"Monkeywrench…Are you reading notes Torch is passing to you?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Maybe…" Monkeywrench slid in his seat.
"It's a good idea…" Torch said. "Oh wait, we did that too didn't we?"
"Okay that's it! Torch! Out in the hall!" Cobra Commander pointed to the door. "OUT! GO! OUT!" Torch could not run out fast enough.
Then a cell phone went off. "All right whose is it?" Cobra Commander sighed as everyone checked their phones.
"Not mine," Destro said.
"Me neither," The Baroness said.
"It's not me," Xamot said.
"Mine either," Tomax remarked.
"Sorry, it's mine," Dr. Mindbender took it out. "This won't take a minute."
"There's always one…" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"I told you not to call me here!" Dr. Mindbender hissed into his phone. "I'm in a meeting and…What? So it ate an assistant, big deal. It's not like they're not expendable. You got it back in its cage so what's the problem? What? Oh I don't believe this! And I was really looking forward to a nice veal dinner tonight. I didn't say it was your fault! Look the assistant who let it out is dead anyway so…Oh that was the other assistant. I see. I understand. I know how hard you work. Number 176…176…Please don't cry. Look, how about we call in for pizza and then the rest of the night off. Just you and me. That's right. Who's my favorite little blobby? Who's my little squeaky…?"
Mindbender realized everyone was watching him. "I gotta go. Love ya bye." He hung up quickly. He tried to laugh it off. "Crisis in the lab. You know those wacky lab assistants. Can't leave 'em alone for one minute. Oh the crazy jokes they come up with."
"Who's 176?" Buzzer asked. "Is that the one with the big knockers?"
"No stupid it's the orange one with the tentacles," Zandar winced.
"Mindbender perhaps you've been spending a little too much time in the lab?" Destro grimaced.
"Hey don't judge me!" Dr. Mindbender snapped. "It's not like any of you are batting a thousand in the love department so butt out. At least I don't have to pay for someone to stay with me!"
"No you just have to pay for the materials to make one!" Major Bludd looked sick.
"If we can get back to the problem at hand here for a moment?" Cobra Commander was getting a huge headache. "As fascinating as it is discussing Mindbender's love life…for lack of a better phrase…We do need to come up with a plan here!"
"Maybe we should recap what we have done so far and see if we've missed anything?" The Baroness suggested.
"Yeah just what I wanted to do on a Saturday," Destro groaned. "Revisit all our failures."
"It's worth a shot," Zartan said.
"I should shoot you people," Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well let's see," Buzzer started counting on his fingers. "We've done the weather machine thing, the Mass device, giant plants, stealing weapons…"
"Holding Joe family members hostage," The Baroness added. "Tried to undermine the Joes by using the media. Tried to disband the Joe team."
"Create several doomsday devices, tried to blow up a few peace conferences," Destro continued. "Hold the world's natural resources for ransom."
"With and without the aid of animals," Ripper added.
"Created earthquake machines," Xamot said.
"And lava machines," Tomax added.
"Shrink rays," Xamot said.
"Mind control rays," Tomax said.
"Youth stealing devices," Zarana said. "Anti-Aging devices."
"Kidnapped scientists to try to have them create doomsday weapons for us," Mindbender said.
"Gee I wonder why we would need other scientists with you around?" Zartan asked sarcastically.
"Let's not forget we also tried to hire other mercenaries," Mindbender snapped.
"Like those ghosts we tried to control?" The Baroness sighed. "That was a bizarre move!"
"Almost as bizarre as creating dinosaurs," Destro told her. "Or turning one of the Joes into a killer whale."
"Well you have to admit that was original!" Mindbender said. "Tried to melt the polar ice caps…"
"Burned nearly all the money in the world and tried to replace it with Cobra money," Ripper added.
"We've tried to steal money from Fort Knox, the Egyptian Pyramids and anyone else that came into our path," Cobra Commander sighed. "We had Excalibur for a bit, although technically that was Storm Shadow's doing."
"Tried to sink the United States' main naval fleet," Major Bludd said.
"Don't forget that Watchdog computer we tricked the Pentagon into installing," Zarana said. "Tried to have that machine spread the Joe forces thin."
"Tried to put in our own politicians in the government that work for us," The Baroness said. "Took over television, tried to take over a few oil producing countries."
"Let's not forget the Commander's little foray into interstellar graffiti," Destro scoffed. "Remember when you tried to carve your face into the moon and nearly blew us all up?"
"Or the time you took that mechanical sea serpent and ended up stuck in it's belly?" The Baroness added. "Or tried to convince the world aliens were attacking?"
"Tried to steal Alaska," Zartan mentioned. "Turn the entire population of the world into animal mutants of some kind."
"What about those interviews he did on TV?" Zandar asked.
"Oh god don't remind me," Destro moaned. "Not to mention the Cobrathons…"
"Please don't remind me of those," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "I still am trying to repress some of those memories!"
"You've had some pretty horrible ideas haven't you?" Ripper asked Cobra Commander.
"Oh yeah?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Well how about when the Baroness decided to use the Shell Conch of the Sirens to take over Cobra and all the men in the world? Or you Destro when you tried to have that pet monster of yours do some damage? Or your invention Mindbender to invade dreams? And how quickly we forget Xamot and Tomax that the first Cobrathon was your idea! And let's not forget when you all backstabbed me by creating Serpentor…Yeah there was a real improvement in leadership! All he ever did was scream 'This I command'! This I command! This I command! Change the record!"
"Man we've done a lot of stupid things haven't we?" Ripper remarked.
"OUT!" Cobra Commander screamed and pointed to the door. "YOU CAN JOIN TORCH!" He put his hands to his helmet. "Why did I even call this meeting! The fact that I need to come up with plans to conquer the world from losers like you is pathetic! Meeting adjourned! I'll just have to come up with ideas on my own! As usual!" He stormed out.
"Well that was time well spent," Destro grunted.
"I know I get paid by the hour but still…" Zartan moaned. "There are some things money can't buy!"
"Yeah like those brain cells we wasted," Zarana said.
"TORCH! RIPPER! THERE'S GUM ALL OVER THE HALLWAY!" Cobra Commander screamed. "AGGH! IT'S ALL OVER MY BOOTS!"
"On the other hand…" Zartan chuckled.
"THIS IS RIDICULOUS! HOW COULD YOU GET SO MUCH GUM EVERYWHERE! I CAN'T EVEN WALK…" Cobra Commander raved. Then he fell silent for a second. "THAT'S IT! WE'LL CREATE A BOMB FILLED WITH STICKY SUBSTANCES THAT WILL COVER AN ENTIRE CITY AND BRING IT TO A STANDSTILL! HAHAHAHA! I LOVE IT! I AM A GENIUS! HOW DO I DO IT?"
"I ask myself a similar question every day…" Destro sighed.
"I really need to get a new job," Dr. Mindbender sighed.
"Not to mention a love life," Monkeywrench said.
"Oh bite me Monkeybrain!" Dr. Mindbender snapped. "I got my rabies shots!"
"This is not my life…" Destro moaned. "This can't be my life…"
"Time to go to the Bahamas again…" The Baroness sighed.