The Bathroom of DOOM

by Qk

Kaiba learns the hard way to stay out of lunch-contests at school, especially when the boy's bathroom is full... Your AU Back to School Oneshot Special

The Bathroom of DEATH

Disclaimer: I do not, will not, or ever will own YGO.

D/N: I honestly don't know what possessed me to write this. I guess I just feel so bad that you guys have to miss out on Diplomacy... :'( But I'll send out the rest of the story, leave your emails in my Of Dogs and Men story. But whatever, I just randomly felt like writing this. I guess this would be your... back to school special?

OOOOOOOOOOO

Seto Kaiba had to pee.

I mean, really had to pee. Like, not even the potty dance would hold it in, pee. Besides, even if he could do the potty dance, he wouldn't. He was much too sophisticated for that, and class was almost over. Still... he was seconds away from just grabbing his crotch to hold it in and bolting to the bathroom.

It all started at lunch.

Everyone was joining in a contest to see just how much cups of evil grape juice could fit into both Joey and Tristan. Then Duke Devlin joined in, just to try and show up both of them. Then, of course, since Duke was in, everyone wanted to try. Soon, the lunch lady snapped and ran out from all the cries of grape juice and apple juice and cranberry juice and - yes, there were a few people who were still suffering greatly from it, from the smells of things - prune juice, freshly squeezed.

Kaiba, of course, had absolutely no interest in the stupid competition. But of course, there was always that one person who wants to encourage everyone to take part in everything. You know who I mean. Her. Brown hair, blue eyes? Talks non-stop about friendship and everyone wants to kill her? Lucky Tea was there to save that girl who will remain anonymous, or else Kaiba would've killed her.

But Joey quickly saw that Kaiba wasn't participating and of course, began taunting him to join. And when Joey won't shut up for ten hours, you have to do what he says while insulting him right back, or the day will never end... or something.

So, he here he was, the great Seto Kaiba, suffering from Joey's idiocy rubbing off on him. In a way, he was still sort of proud. He had drunken the most and had shut Joey up quite quickly. Besides, he wasn't the only one to be suffering. Joey was squirming like there was no tomorrow, topped off with a couple of whines, the arm wave furiously in the air.

The teacher was ignoring him on purpose. A kind of passive aggressive punishment for being so damn stupid. Too bad he had to pay for this too, or Kaiba would be laughing and insulting Joey like no tomorrow. And wouldn't you know it? There was little Yugi, who had also participated but had dropped out of the competition at five glasses, hand raised politely, just so he could take Joey with him to the bathroom. Lucky this teacher was an evil freak of nature, or else Joey would have been calm and collected once more, then poking fun at Kaiba. And at this moment, Kaiba wanted as much attention away from him as possible.

Finally, the class was over. Of course, being as unlike Joey in every way, who had just knocked down half the class in a mad dash to the bathroom, Kaiba was packing up everything. It was that whole no-attention business.

Reaching the beloved bathroom at last, Kaiba frowned when he saw a huge crowd surrounding it.

"What's going on?" He asked some random kid.

"The prune juice drinkers just went inside." The kid said. "It smells like a billy goat in there. No one wants to go in."

"So what's the crowd for?"

"We have to go to the bathroom."

"So use the girl's."

There was now complete silence, as all eyes were now on Kaiba.

"You're suggesting to use the girl's bathroom?" Duke gasped.

Joey was in awe. "After you, man. I'll go behind a tree or something."

Kaiba sighed and rolled his eyes. He did not need this. His bladder was about to explode. He remembered quite clearly the Simpson's episode where Grampa Simpson didn't get to the bathroom in time.

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!" Tristan screamed, who had the smallest bladder there apparently, as he bolted into the female bathroom.

There was another round of silence, followed shortly after by a flushing toilet and a sink being used. Finally, Tristan emerged, quite happy, and with a smug little look on his face.

"Ok," he said. "There's eight stalls in there, so eight of us at a time can go in. With the huge crowd here, none of the girls will ever know we're going in. But just in case, a few of us should begin fighting to scare off the girls, and to make it seem as if we're just being guys." (Ahh, a true look into the male mind.)

Almost on cue, eight other boys stampeded in, as three others began tearing each other's eyes out.

Should he risk going into the girl's bathroom? It was, after all, his idea. But would he be willing to do it in front of everyone here? Kaiba's bladder gurgled, as Kaiba wrinkled his nose in disgust. 'I guess that's a yes.' He thought. 'Fine, I'll get in with the next eight.'

The second the eight slipped out, Kaiba slipped in, and ran - yes, ran - to the nearest stall, almost slamming the door behind him.

As he busy doing... uhm... you know... he heard cries out shock being called out outside of the bathroom. Forcing himself to listen, he heard the words being shouted. "Girls! They're going in!"

"GET OUT NOW!!" Kaiba hollered, as he heard the other boys scrambling to come out when they heard his warning. Finishing (Eriso: XD I can't believe you wrote that!), Kaiba ran out, washed his hands real fast-like, then watched as - wouldn't you know it? - Joey tore out of the girl's bathroom, followed by four others boys, and crashed into Tea and Duke's other three cheerleaders.

"What're we gonna do?" One of the remaining boys asked.

Kaiba looked around. Aha! "Window!" Kaiba said, and practically front-flipped out using his ninja moves or something. The other boys weren't nearly as graceful, as Duke, who was also in there, barely managed to crawl out, but the other boy was stuck. Kaiba heard the girls calling out in anguish as the saw another boy there.

"Nice thinking, Kaiba!" Duke called softly, so as not to give him away. "You should do this sort of thing more often!"

"Don't get used to it." Kaiba told him. "This was a once in a lifetime chance."

"So you'd never do this again?"

"Of course not."

"Alright, whatever."

OOOOOOOOOOO

The next day was a day to go down in Domino High History. Word got out that two of the boys escaped when the girls came in. They, of course, remained anonymous, since it could ruin their reputations, and plus, everyone else was given a suspension.

Kaiba sat down in his usual seat, as half the class wasn't there. A few girls were snickering, as one called out, "Hey, Kaiba, were you the escape-artist who avoided suspension?"

Kaiba simply looked at her, and raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, please!" another girl said. "This is Seto Kaiba we're talking about. As if he'd do such a stupid thing."

So Seto Kaiba's reputation with the girls and teachers were saved, the others boys got in trouble, they installed security cameras in the bathrooms but they were quickly taken down for obvious reasons, and never again did the lunch lady serve out that many glasses of grape juice, apple juice, cranberry juice, and no ever dared take the prune juice again, so that little incident never happened again. However...

"I bet I can eat more grapes than you!" Joey boasted.

"Oh yeah?" Tristan grinned. "I bet I could eat a thousand grapes!"

"Ewwwww!" Tea wrinkled her nose. "Grapes will give you diarrhoea!"

"That's what the girl's bathroom is for!" Joey and Tristan called out. "GRAPE EATING CONSTEST!!"

And soon the lunch lady was bombarded with hundreds of people demanding for grapes. Kaiba, however, was a bit smarter this time, and stayed out of it, but actually swore that he'd be in the next one.

A hundred more suspensions were passed out, as the girl's bathroom was later fumigated.

And wouldn't you know? Joey actually expected Kaiba to live up to his promise, and soon it was a contest solely for Kaiba and Joey eating none other than Tuna Surprise.

"Why this?" Kaiba nearly gagged as he saw the massive mound on his plate.

"Because this will be the hardest challenge of all!" Joey then began laughing maniacally.

A few other students began Tuna Surprise eating contests as well, but the main attraction was Kaiba and Joey's. The lunch lady was pleased to get rid of the Tuna Surprise. It had been sitting in the cafeteria all month. (O.o)

Finally, it was proven that Joey could scarf down thirty plates of Tuna Surprise, while Kaiba could only eat 27. That or that Kaiba was just smarter, which was probably the cause.

The students at Domino High waited.

They waited for one minute.

They waited for two minutes.

They waited for three minutes.

Finally, Joey let out a moan and ran to the boy's bathroom, found it was full, and then looked at the girl's bathroom. Kaiba had joined him.

"It goes right through you, doesn't it?" Joey grinned. Kaiba just glared at him. "I'm game if you are."

"You can go first and check if anyone's in there." Kaiba said.

Joey did this, found it was empty, and Kaiba raced in after him, locking the door.

Finally, after ten minutes of the most pleasant sounds and most delicious smells (Eriso: CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE!! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA!!! / Qk: Ewwww!), the evil Tuna Surprise was finally rid of, as it came time to flush.

Kaiba of course, flushed once, and then made a courtesy flush after, but Joey... Joey always managed to screw things up.

"Uhm... Kaiba?"

"What?"

"It's coming back to greet me."

"WHAAAAAAAAAT??!!" Kaiba shrieked. "GET IT DOWN!! FLUSH AGAIN!!"

As if on cue, a sudden geyser exploded from the toilet. Joey burst out of the stall, screaming. "OPEN THE DOOR!!" he wailed, as the small drain in the floor was quickly clogged.

"It's not opening!" Kaiba grunted, trying to open the lock. "Damn these faulty things! I'm giving the school a grant!"

"HURRY KAIBA!! IT'S COMING!!" Joey shrieked.

"Put toilet paper on the floor! Just drop it on!" Kaiba commanded, as Joey did just that. "Wait, the window!" Kaiba leaped towards it, stood on the trash can, and began fiddling with the lock. "THEY BARRED IT SHUT!!"

"OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD!!" Joey began spazzing. "Kaiba! Help me put toilet paper on the floor!" Kaiba immediately obliged, as he almost threw the sheets onto the floor.

Suddenly, another toilet went up like Old Faithful, then another, and another!

"THE TOILETS ARE POSSESSED!! WE'RE GONNA DROWN!!" Joey screamed. He ran up to the dryer and slammed it on.

"We have to clear the drain!" Kaiba pointed out.

"LIKE HELL I WILL!!" Joey snapped.

"Turn the faucets on! Maybe the extra water will wash your crap away!" Kaiba said, busy shoving toilet paper into the toilets, in an attempt to clog them and stop the water from coming out.

"Why are you wasting you time doing THAT?!" Joey asked, whipping on the faucets. "I thought we needed the extra water!"

"I doubt we can turn the toilets off, be we control the faucets!" Kaiba stated. He looked back after a while. "Ok, it's clear! Turn the faucets off!"

Joey started fiddling with the knobs. "THEY'RE NOT STOPPING!!"

Kaiba went pale, as he leaped over to the faucets and began banging on them, doing whatever he possibly could to shut them off, to no avail. "Joey."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry I was ever mean to you, despite how much you deserved it."

"I'm sorry I every made fun of you, despite how much you were asking for it."

And with that, the CEO and blond began screaming and running around in circles, trampling through digested Tuna Surprise several times.

OOOOOOOOOO

Apparently no one had gone to the bathroom for the rest of the day, and the janitor finally came to the bathroom at 11:00pm that night, and unlocked the bathroom door from the outside. He slowly opened the door, letting all the water drain out, as the two boys flowed out as well.

"Hee, hee!" The janitor laughed. "I guess you boys won't be using the girl's bathroom no more, hmm?"

OOOOOOOOOO

OOOOO

OOOOO

D/N: Evil janitor, huh? Anyways, like I said, this is really random. Don't ask where it came from. Uhm... it's short too. Anyway, let me know what you think. SORRY IT SUCKS.