A/N- you mentioned the making out in his office thing- and I thought I'd write a bit where he had to deal with that.
We shouldn't have done that. Yet somehow, I don't seem to be able to care. I can still feel her, hot tears trailing her face, eyes wide. I couldn't leave her like that. I've fallen so deep that reminding myself to breathe is about all I can manage. Keeping a rein on my self-control is not something I am even close to being able to do.
Even now, with her gone, it takes a moment before I can force my eyes away from the spot where she'd been standing.
It hurts like hell to see her like that, hurting so much. No one who was working on that day has any more than a precarious balance in sanity, and with the brother the way he is, I honestly don't know how she copes.
What makes it worse is that I know that it's not going to get any better. She's going to spend the rest of the day with him, then arrive back at mine in the evening, shattered and her mind filled with all the insecurities he's spent the day poisoning her with. Then it will take me hours to get out of her what's wrong, and even longer to convince her that it's not her fault.
And its not, who could possibly fault her for trying to help her brother, it just kills me to see what he does to her.
As I try and force myself away from that subject, trying to pretend that maybe she won't come home exhausted, my mind drifts to more immediate concerns. I'd tinted the windows earlier in the day to take a call with Chappelle and hadn't set them back, thank God. With Michelle the way she was, neither of us had the sense to be discrete, and we weren't ready to tell anyone that we were dating, let alone put them on a show. Besides, this place tears apart relationships, we've all seen it. This was the main reason, aside from the obvious problem of actually having a relationship in the office, that we had decided to keep our personal lives separate from work. A promise we broke today.
And although no one saw us, that doesn't mean that we'll get away with it. My eyes flick to the security cameras that are focused on where we had been standing. Every move you make in this place is monitored, we both know that. Fortunately for us, the CTU budget doesn't stretch to include someone to watch these feeds, they are just there in case of trouble.
As my fingers find the program for deleting the frames of us, I hesitate for a moment. We were breaking protocol, and know I'm hiding the evidence. It hardly seems appropriate. I know Jack Bauer used to do it, but I promised myself that I wouldn't become like him, flaunting the rules at every opportunity just because I could. I've already started, hell I even drugged my boss. I don't want to end up like him.
For a moment I'm tempted to leave them there, no one would see them unless they went looking, and they would only do that if they thought there was something between us.
But that passes quickly. I go weak at the knees every time she looks at me, and today proved how difficult it is going to be to maintain a professional façade when she's around. It wouldn't take much for someone to guess, and the last thing I need is to face an inquiry over this. So I delete them, it's not a huge deal, its not like I'm stealing money or anything.
Yet somehow it is a big deal, I don't want this to be my career at CTU, lying and covering up at every corner. I don't want to be Jack Bauer. As I climb down the stairs to get some coffee and try and sort my head out, I glance at her station. We can't do this again, I won't. I can't keep lying. But at the same time this thought enters my head, I think of her, and I know I can't let her go, and I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe.
Somehow, I hope this will work itself out, because I will lie for her, I know I will, I would do anything for her. But I don't want to end up like that.
Seeing her cup lying in the sink where she'd left it, in too much of a rush to put it away, I push these thoughts away. When I go home tonight, she'll be there and she'll be mine, and really, that's all that matters.