"Wait," Harry said. "I think I heard something."
"What?" Ron asked.
"I can't quite tell, but I know it's something stupid." Harry replied, eyes darting to and fro all the livelong day. Suddenly, Wipwop came up behind them and whispered,
"Get down. The trees have eyebrows."
They all ducked just in time to see bullets whizzing over their heads.
"Those look like machine gun bullets from a very streetwise machine gun!" Ron whimpered in agony and ventriloquism. Harry shot Ron a very confused glance. The bullets stopped suddenly. Harry and Ron heard cackling in the background and rustling in the trees.
"The trees are attacking! Who pointed?" Ron gargled next to Harry, frantically trying to spot who had pointed.
Look!" Wipwop said. They all looked up into the trees, and could hardly believe their eyes. They could hardly believe their ears, either, as they were filled with grief as a horrible rendition of Puttin' On The Ritz filled their ears. They stared up in horror as their nightmare came true. It was Gollum, wearing a tophat and black spandex capris. In one hand he held Hermione, in the other a machine gun. He was holding a cane in one foot, and was swinging on a vine with the other foot. He was singing Puttin' on the Ritz very badly.
"Ta da!" Gollum cheered, landing on the ground in front of them. Harry and Ron screamed in unison. "Point and the girl dies!" Gollum snarled, holding the gun to Hermione's head.
Harry jumped to his feet, pointed his wand at Gollum, and yelled, "Expelliarmus!" Gollum was knocked to the ground, releasing Hermione, the gun and the cane, and hit a tree, at which point a boom box playing background music to Puttin' in the Ritz fell out of his pocket and landed at Harry's feet. It then exploded, sending shards of peanut gallery flying in every direction. A horrible version of the Oompa Loompa Music began.
"Make it stop!" Ron screeched.
Suddenly, a small ambulance fell out of the canopy, playing eerie ice cream truck music. It landed a foot from Gollum. Two Oompa Loompas burst out, chanting "hup, hup, hup..." They collected the shards of the once-proud radio, and stuffed it into the back of the ambulance. With a screech, they flew back up into the canopy, and were never seen again, although they could still hear the music echoing down to them.
"Uh oh. Echo! Didn't you see them point?" Ron randomly gasped for air and fainted.
"Jeez, Ron, Harry's usually the one who faints." Hermione put in casually, quickly stepping away from Gollum.
"I do not faint!" Harry protested, feeling his cheeks turn red.
Hermione took out a pen and paper. "Well, actually, Harry, I have evidence of the contrary. Remember in the first book, after you fought the Old Vole, you fainted then, and then in the second book, after your arm bones were removed, you fainted, and in the third book, you fainted about eight times for various reasons..."
"Okay! So I do faint once in a while." Harry said.
"Oh, no, Harry, you faint a lot. I'm sure you fainted at least ten times during the school years, not to mention over the summer..."
"All right! I get it!" Harry shouted. "But I'm sure everyone else here has fainted at least once in their life, right?"
"Well, I've never fainted, Harry." Hermione stated.
"Me neither, of course, I'm impervious to magic." Wipwop joined in.
"Oh, I don't faint, I'm just evil." Gollum offered.
"Yeah, I've never fainted, either!" Ron said, standing up. Harry and Hermione gave each other looks. Gollum gave himself a look. Wipwop fell asleep. "So, what'd I miss?" Ron asked. "Oh my gosh! Echo! (Gasp) Echo! (Gasp, Gasp) I feel faint..." and he fainted again.
"Moving on!" Hermione said. "So, Harry, what should we do with that thing?" she asked, pointing at Gollum.
"Well, uh," Harry thought, wondering what it was and why it was swinging in the trees by its toes. "I guess it could stay with us. I mean, we could use some entertainment."
"What?!" Hermione yelped. "That thing tried to shoot me!"
"Even so. It needs some clothes. Ron, do you mind?"
Ron twitched. "Uughhh... Back pocket." He gargled, still unconscious. Hermione reached into his pocket. As she did, Ron let out a ferocious growl.
"I don't think this is going to be very easy." Hermione said, reaching again into Ron's back pocket. Suddenly Ron whipped around and lunged at Hermione. He sunk his teeth into her arm.
"Ow! He bit me!" Hermione shrieked. Harry quickly reached into Ron's pocket. Ron was still latched onto Hermione's arm, but made a loud racket. Slowly, Harry took out a small brown package. "Ron, let go!" Hermione yelled.
"I'll take care of this!" Harry said, picking up a rock. He walked over to Ron and hit him on the back of his head. Ron woke up, looked around, and let go of Hermione. He then looked at Harry, holding the package.
"Harry, is that the Sorcerer's Stone? Where'd you get that?" Harry gave Ron a strange look and opened the package. Inside were Harry's pajamas.
"Ron, why do you carry my pajamas in your pocket?" He asked.
"Oh my gosh! Echo! Echo! AACK! (Gasp)"
"Hey, hey, enough of that. You don't want to break Harry's fainting record, do you, Ron?" Hermione said sarcastically.
"Oh Harry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" Ron whimpered. "Please forgive me!"
"Okay... sure..." Harry muttered.
Ron, taken completely by surprise, leaped into Harry's arms and said, "Will you marry me?"
"Umm.... Why, this is all so sudden, but I'm flattered. Ron, I..."
But Harry was cut off as two figures fell from the canopy. One landed next to Harry, the other landing foot- first into Ron's head. He was knocked aside as the person stood up and said, "I think not."