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CHAPTER 9: TATTARA TATARA-TARA Tatara-tatara

"So... can I hear it? What do we do?" Katie questioned.

Jenny reached into her pocket. "Why don't we ask... the magic conch?" She said, pulling out a plastic shell. "Oh, magic conch shell, what can we do to escape Mr. Hunt and the evil tuba players, and defeat The Old Vole before him?"

The conch paused, then answered, "Nothing."

"ALL RIGHT!" Jenny cried, and they both sat on the ground with silly expressions on their faces.

A few moments later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione came by. "What are you doing?" Harry asked Katie.

Katie quickly leaped to her feet and slammed her hand over his mouth. "SHHHHH!!!!" She screamed, "WE NEED TO BE QUIET OR ELSE MR. HUNT AND THE EVIL TUBA PLAYERS WILL FORCE US TO JOIN THEIR BAND AND DEFEAT THE GRAND OLD VOLE! THEN MR. HUNT WILL BE AN EVIL DICTATOR! THE ONLY WAY TO STOP HIM IS TO DO NOTHING LIKE THE CONCH SAID!" And Katie resumed her orders.

"All right!" Ron cried, and sat next to Jenny.

"What?" Harry demanded, "Okay, I guess I'll believe that he's trying to defeat Voldemort. His band does look a little weird. But I don't think that sitting on the ground is going to help us at all! Why can't we just leave?"

Jenny stood up. "Works for me! Let's go!"

"Nib foe eyesore MoPed erase" Hagrid said, sneaking up behind them. "Oh, sorry, was I speaking gibberish again? I meant to say, let's go!"

"Where did you come from?" Jenny asked.

"Oh, I was here the whole time, and frankly Jenny, I don't care for your attitude!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jenny asked. Harry saw a mad glint in her eye.

"Well, the way I see it is there are 3 possibilities. 1) You stole me dime, 2) you stole me dime, or 3), YOU STOLE ME DIME!"

"WHAT DIME?!" Jenny yelled.

"The one I left sitting on the counter this morning, that you ate, and I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks- that dime!"

"You wanna settle this right here, right now?"

"Bring it on, little girl!" Hagrid growled maliciously.

"Oh, puh-leeze! I could drop you like a bag of dirt!"

"YOU wanna PIECE of ME? You WANNA piece OF me? You got it!!!" And Hagrid leaped up into the air over Jenny. Jenny stepped to the side and Hagrid did a belly-flop onto the ground. "I bet you're not dangerous at all, you great ugly brute!" said Hagrid.

"That's it!" Jenny screeched, and grabbed Hagrid by the beard. She swung him around and around. As she did, Senora Norris, Neville, Buckbeak, buttered toast, Malfoy, his sandwich, a picnic basket, an apartment complex and a herd of rabbits fell out of his beard. The rabbits hopped around, spotted Hagrid, and then attacked Ron and stuffed him into a bag. As they did this, Jenny was twirling Hagrid around, faster and faster, until finally let go. Hagrid went sailing up into the air, and then landed back down on the dirt with a massive THUD. The ground shook. Harry and Hermione fell to the ground. Ron continued to squirm around. Katie and Jenny sprinted over to Hatred, who now lay twitching on the ground, and they both jumped onto his stomach as if he were a giant, hairy trampoline. They bounced up and down on his stomach, and Jenny said, "Come on, guys! Join us!"

Ron popped out of the bag, ran over, and jumped onto Hagrid's stomach to join them. "Oh, man!" he sobbed, "I've wanted to do this all year!" He jumped back off, ran back to Harry and Hermione, scooped them up, and tossed them onto Hagrid's large stomach. He jumped after them, screaming.

Suddenly they saw Gollum falling from the sky. "I'll take care of this!" Jenny bellowed, grabbing Hairdo's beard, spinning him around again. When Gollum came crashing down, he collided with Hairdo and was sent rocketing back. Jenny then let go of Hagrid and he shot after Gollum, never to be seen again.

"Looks like Team Hairdo's blasting off again!" he bellowed.

"Now then, where were we?" Jenny said. "Oh, right!" She then took Ron, stuffed him back into the sack, and then jumped in as well.

"It's romance in a bag!" Katie announced. "I'm so jealous!" She looked slowly over at Harry, a glint in her eye. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Harry could feel his cheeks turn red. "Why, most definitely..." He loosened his tie.

"All right!" Katie cheered. "Let's go shopping!"

"What?!" Harry yelped.

"C'mon, if we hurry, we can get to the mall before the Gap closes!" And she ran off, with Harry in tow.

Just then, Jenny and Ron popped their heads out of the bag. "Okay, the coast is clear!" Jenny whispered. "Now let's skee-daddle before they notice we stole the remote!" They scrambled out of the bag, and only went a few steps before Hermione stepped into their path.

"Just where do you think you're going?" Hermione asked them, her toe tapping.

Jenny and Ron began to mutter to each other quietly. "Thought they were shopping...out so long...left Yankee Tank to all the work...uh, mayonnaise..."

"Well? I'm waiting!" Hermione impatiently tisked.

"We were just, uh... uh..." Jenny faltered.

"We were building a moat!" Ron cut in.

"Really?" Hermione asked. "Well, I for one applaud your responsible behavior and would like only to ask you one more thing- What the heck are you doing building a moat in the middle of a forest?"

"Hadn't counted on that," Ron muttered to Jenny.

"Well," Hermione continued. "I'm going to bed, before either of you think up another clever way to get us killed. Or worse, expelled." She then walked off, pulled a sleeping bag out of her pocket, and went to sleep.

"Hmmm... interesting side effects." Jenny stated.

"Side effects, eh what?" Ron commented.

"Side effects to the medicine I committed."

"What medicine, my precious?" Ron queried.

"Why, it's when you impale a German toadstool in the Saharan desert with a Hungarian antelope fryer while typing trash on a laptop and your tuba-playing friend actually lives in his tuba in Bosnia but he decided to vacation with you for a while because he was livin' the life, but then he tripped on his own foot in the kitchen while wearing a giant burlap cloak and doing his very best Snapevine impression, but it just wasn't quite good enough-" Jenny paused for a breath. "And so then he took-"

"Stop!" Ron cut in. "I don't want you to die on me, Jenny! We've been through too much! Jenny, can you hear me? Jenny? JENNY! AAAUUGHHH! Oh, The Humanity! ...Oh, wait. Sorry. Wrong number."

Suddenly Katie and Harry returned, with a giant bag in Harry's arms. "Hey, Jenny! Look what Harry and I got!" Katie screamed. She tossed the bag at Ron and Jenny, and Dobby sprung out.

Ron leaped to his feet, pointing accusingly at Dobby. "HOW DARE YOU LEAP OUT OF A BAG AT ME! DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT THAT'S ALMOST AS BAD AS POINTING AT SOMEONE!?" he bellowed.

"That's it! I challenge you to a walk-off!" Dobby accused, pointing accusingly at Ron.

"Eek!" Ron yelped, "HOW DARE YOU POINT AT ME! That's it! I accept!"

"No, Ron, don't do it! It's too risky! Who knows what can happen in a walk-off with Dobby!" Jenny pleaded, clutching to Ron's shoe.

"Oh, I'm doing it, all right. And I'm going to win." Jenny looked at Ron, and saw that it was hopeless... he was getting that conniving look in his eye again.

"It's a walk-off!" she shouted for everyone to hear. ".... It's a walk-off."

"Let's do this..." Ron stated, determined. He and Dobby looked each other in the eye, and started to twitch randomly.

"Do you have to do this every Friday night, Ron?" Harry asked, exasperated.

"Oh, I'm doing this, all right, Harry. I'm doing this. It's on." Ron said, still staring at Dobby, and with Dobby still staring back. Ron clapped his hands. Suddenly, a crowd of people came out of nowhere, along with a rectangular platform. Dobby hopped onto the platform and started discoing. "You can't beat me at disco- I had lessons from Dr. Snape, professor of love!" Ron said mechanically. He too, started to disco.

"RON! RON! RON! RON! RON!" Jenny, Katie, Harry and Hermione chanted. Ron spun around the dance floor, Snapevine style, and the crowds went wild. Ron turned to bow to the crowd, but as he did Dobby karate-kicked him off the platform. Ron was quite peeved, and bounded back to the stage.

"That's it, Dobby, you're GOING DOWN!" Ron bellowed, springing over to him. He took a flying leap, landing on Dobby's head. Dobby smashed into the floor.

"Bring it on!" Dobby challenged. He leaped into the air, did a mid-air somersault, and landed a few feet from his opponent. "Got to work on my landing," He muttered, just as Ron smashed a club into his head.

"Darn!" Dobby spoke, "I should have seen that coming. But Ron will not expect my super-powerful, high-speed, turbo-hyperbole LASER VISION! BWA-Ha-ha-ha! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! BWA-erp."

"Why not?" Ron asked, "You just told me what to expect."

"Aye, but I wonder! And another thing. The unexpected are always less expected than the things we've been expecting to be unexceptionally expected, that is, unless you have MSN Internet service."

"Oh, but now I am unexacting the unexpectant expectancies, although the expectancy of an unexpected Laser Vision is now quite expectant excepticide."

"What was that?" Dobby asked. "You lost me after 'oh'."

Harry sighed. "Dobby, you give me no choice." Then Harry pulled a rocket launcher from his pocket and shot a rocket straight at Dobby. When the rocket was about to hit Dobby, Dobby moved to the side, causing Harry to miss him.

Suddenly, Hagrid flew down from the canopy onto Dobby, squashing him. Sad music began to play in the background. Hagrid took a look around and said quietly, "Hard luck, Harry. Try again."

"NO! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!"

"No, Harry. I AM YOUR FATHER!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Harry replied, and shot a rocket at Hagrid. Hagrid got up, just at the wrong time. The rocket hit him, and he exploded. The sad music continued. Harry looked over to see Ron playing a violin. "Stop that, you doofus! I'm trying to shoot Bee-Bop Womp, here!"

"But that's my job!" Ron replied, hurling the violin into the trees. "Besides, you already shot him." He pointed forlornly at where Hagrid had stood. All that remained was Hagrid's umbrella.

"Oh, my God!" Harry yelped.

"I know!" Ron said, "That can mean only one thing- somewhere out there, there's a Bee-Bop Womp running around without an umbrella."

"I killed Bee-Bop Womp!" Harry cried. "Father..."

"Eh?" Ron asked. "OH MY GOD!"

"What?" Harry asked, panicky.

"Bee-Bop Womp is dead! MURDERER! GET HIM!" And with that, he charged after Harry, disco suit and all, with Jenny and Hermione on his heels. But Katie leaped in front of Ron, between him and Harry, and held out her arms to separate them. Harry cowered on the floor.

"Good people, what are you doing? Do not waste this senseless violence on the innocent! The slaying of the once-proud Bee-Bop Womp was necessary and essential to the survival of all mankind! And Ron, you were going to kill him anyway- Harry just assumed his duty as your friend and lightened your load by killing him for you. Do you not understand? Harry did no wrong in killing Bee-Bop Womp. It was done for the best, and with the best of intentions. What's done is done, and Harry did the right thing in doing it. Bee-Bop Womp was evil; an evil beast set on the destruction of the universe and all that is bright and beautiful on this glorious Earth. It would have been a sin and a shame not to kill him. He was asking for it. And not only was he asking for it, he deserved it as well. And Harry deserved to kill him. Harry owed it to himself to destroy that murderous son-of-a-gun and right what had been wronged. Harry has done no evil deed. The evil doer is Bee-Bop Womp, who has now been sacrificed to the greater good. Now I think you should all apologize to Harry and then let's resume our quest. What do you say- shall we?"

"GET HIM!" Jenny cried, pulling out a rocket launcher.

"Good people, what are you doing? Do not waste this senseless violence on the innocent! The slaying of the once-proud Bee-Bop Womp was necessary and essential to the survival of all mankind! And Ron, you were going to kill him anyway- Harry just assumed his duty as your friend and lightened your load by killing him for you. Do you not understand? Harry did no wrong in killing Bee-Bop Womp. It was done for the best, and with the best of intentions. What's done is done, and Harry did the right thing in doing it. Bee-Bop Womp was evil, an evil beast set on the destruction of the universe and all that is bright and beautiful on this glorious Earth. It would have been a sin and a shame not to kill him. He was asking for it. And not only was he asking for it, he deserved it as well. And Harry deserved to kill him. Harry owed it to himself to destroy that murderous son-of-a-gun and right what had been wronged. Harry has done no evil deed. The evil doer is Bee-Bop Womp, who has now been sacrificed to the greater good. Now I think you should all apologize to Harry and then let's resume our quest. What do you say- shall we?"

"Well, the first time it just seemed like gibberish, but now I really feel that Katie has a point." Jenny stated, putting the rocket launcher down. "Then again, who is she to decide if Bee-Bop Womp was meant to go? In fact, Katie, you've hardly even met Bee-Bop Womp until Harry heartlessly shot him with a rocket! Who are you to say that Bee-Bop Womp was pure evil? Who are you to say that he would have destroyed mankind if he had lived? Who are you to tell us that Harry was right in demolishing that disgusting creature? Well, I'm taking a stand against that bloodthirsty killer! I'm not going to support him in his quest to destroy every extremely old, but still valuable senior citizen until the world until nothing is left but him and those who are too afraid to take a stand! Something must be done! So, who's with me?"

"I AM!" shouted Ron, bumping Katie out of the way and slamming a jack-hammer into Harry's head. "The deed is done!" he said, clapping, as the crowds disappeared.

"So, where were we?" Jenny asked.

Although Harry's head had been smashed in by a jackhammer, he suffered no serious harm, other than a growing feeling of dread. After much deliberation, the gang decided that it was for the best that Harry had blown up Hagrid, although Ron was seriously considering not speaking to him.