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Chapter 12: Who yA GONna call? Gangbusters!

"So... who are you?" Harry asked Alex and Shae.

Jenny leaned over to him and whispered, "Don't talk to it, Harry. Don't encourage it!"

But, without warning, Alex and Shae jumped to their feet. They picked up a few sticks and tossed them at Harry. One hit him in the head. "Ow!" he cried, "What's their problem?!"

"I guess they just don't like you." Hermione stated.

Alex and Shae continued throwing things at Harry, mostly missing him. Alex picked up a rock and chucked it at him, narrowly avoiding his ear. Shae picked up a log and threw it over Harry's head. Then, Alex picked up a working chainsaw and flung it toward Harry. Harry yelped and jumped to the side. "What are they DOING!?" He shouted, dodging the items.

"I'll take care of this!" Katie shouted. She pulled out a handy-dandy tin can, walked over to Alex and Shae, picked them up, and stuffed them inside. Finally the objects stopped flying.

"Huzzah!" Jenny cried. "It's canned friends! I've always wanted one of those." She said, and stuffed them in her pocket.

"Now, then." Harry said, panting, "Where's The Whimsical Wig?"

Soon enough, The Whimsical Wig glided down from the canopy. As she did, the Harry Potter theme music started to play in the background. Ron hopped out of the bag and did a jig to the music. Everyone stared at him. He stopped, heartbroken.

"It's a good jig... or, at least, it was a good jig. But who is to say that it is in fact a good jig if I have not gotten the chance to show the world that it is a good jig? Then, the world can vote on if it is a good jig or not! Ha Ha! I'll show you! I'll show them all! Ha HA!" and Ron did another brief jig and stuffed himself into a bag.

Hermione gave him a look. "Anyway..." but before she had a chance to say anything of relative importance, the Whimsical Wig interrupted her.

"Ahem."

Ron hopped back out of the bag. "The Wig speaketh! SILENCE, MORTALS!"

"Thank you." stated the Whimsical Wig. "Now, bow down before me, all ye fools. For I am the grand Whimsical Wig, grandest in all the lands! And I have come bearing a message for you. You are all in grave peril. A wicked beast is coming for you. This beast is terrifying beyond all reason. It is evil's evil twin, making it even more evil, but not quite as good-looking. Which means it is gruesome's ugly cousin, and Auntie's favorite nephew. An EVIL nephew! So listen well. You must climb to the highest room in the tallest tower on the largest mountain and seek refuge there by midnight tonight, or you will have no protection from The Horrible Spooky Thing. Be there or be square. This Wig will now self-destruct." And with that, the Whimsical Wig exploded, leaving behind only a single white plume.

"Hedwig! NOOOO!!!!!" Harry cried. "My favorite Wig! Don't die! I love you!"

"You what?" Katie asked, irritated.

"Um... I like you just as a friend, Hedwig! Don't die!" Harry cried, picking up the feather and cradling it in his arms.

"What's he doing?" Jenny declared to Ron.

"Only the Claw knows..." Ron responded solemnly. Jenny was baffled.

Katie stepped forward. "Well, you heard the wig! Let's go find that tallest tower! Now... where to look..."

"How about there?!" Wipwop gargled, pointing to a massive castle.

"Hey, isn't that Hogwarts?" Harry questioned, tossing the feather aside.

"Fantastic! Let's go in!" Hermione cried, "I can't wait to go learn some more useless things at a castle that's closed anyway since it's summer holiday!"

So, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Jenny, Katie, canned friends, Wipwop, and the gnome army piled into the canoes to cross the lake. When they reached the other side, Hogwarts yawned, yawned, and more, yawned. One clump and more, spots. I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three! Doughnut, doughnut, doughnut. "Biscuits... mmm..." boomed the Grand Old Voice over the intercom. Uh... intercom. Taco John's. A whole lotta Mexican going on! Going on at Taco John's! Thank you, daddy! Punish! Shame! Scold! Kanker sisterios are a complete part of any sustairio's breakfast! The Zorro League is out to get Ron! FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES! Mouse. Mice. Moose. Twice and a freckle. Buy 7-11! Runza Sandwich- Runza Runzarunza-ERM!

Anyway... They entered Hogwarts. As they trudged through the Grand Hall, Ron tisked. "These windows are filthy! Someone needs to take care of this! I'll do it..." he looked determinedly at the windows.

"Ron, no! It's too dangerous!" Jenny pleaded with him.

"No, no my love. I know what I'm doing. It's going to be all right. Everything's going to be just fine. But if I don't come back... alive, remember me. I was your tummy button. I am your tummy button. And I will always be your tummy button." And with that, Ron made out with Jenny for a while. 12 twelve minutes went by. Harry checked his watch. 34 minutes later, Katie cleared her throat.

"Ahem!" she said.

Ron and Jenny stopped (reluctantly) and Ron hopped up to the dirty windows. "This should do the trick," Ron said jovially, and pulled a cat out of his pocket. He also pulled out a bucket of Windex. He dunked the cat thoroughly in the Windex, and proceeded to scrub the windows. Eventually, the windows were clean, and instead of staring at a dirty window, Ron was staring at the face of Professor McGonagall. She suddenly burst through the window, tackling Ron and landing on the floor. When they hit, she yelled out, "Ow! My heart is broken!" She got up and looked around. Kristen and Morgan trotted in carrying a stretcher, put the professor on, and trotted off.

"Oh, no!" Katie cried. "Who will play the part of Daniel Radcliffe in the Harry Potter movies?! I'm ruined!" she wept.

"What?" Harry asked, hesitantly.

"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!" Katie wailed. "MY PLAY IS RUINED NOW THAT DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S HEART IS BROKEN!"

"Um, Katie, Professor McGonagall was the one with the uh... broken heart. Not Daniel Radcliffe. You, of all people, should know this, considering I'm Daniel Radcliffe."

"You?" Katie whispered, "You were Daniel Radcliffe all this time and you didn't even tell me?"

"Well, I'm not supposed to reveal my secret identity." Harry replied.

"So... you talked to Daniel?"

"Yes. He mentioned you."

"What did he say?"

"He asked me what I thought of you."

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'When you're looking into her eyes and she's looking back, it's like the world's turned upside down, and you're the strongest man on Earth, yet weak at the same time. You have to be steady and do the right thing even if it means giving up your dreams. Everyone needs a hero to look up to. Crowds go wild for a hero. They stand out in the rain for hours just to catch a glimpse of the one that taught them to hang on one second longer. Ladies go crazy for heroes. I believe there's a hero in all of us!"

Katie looked perplexed. "Huh?"

Harry looked embarrassed. "Uh, I mean..."

But Harry was cut short as Dumbledore entered the scene of the crime, I mean, the room. "Harry, I believe that, you owe me, $10."

"For what?"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I need some cash for the vending machine. These darn things get more expensive every year."

"All right..." Harry muttered, reaching into his pocket, and pulling out a few dollars. "All I have is $13."

"That'll work!" Dumbledore snatched away the money and stuffed it in his pocketses.

"Harry, you are one smart shopper!" Harry said proudly.

"I would trust Hagrid with my life!" Dumbledore said randomly. He started to walk away, but was flattened by a steamroller. Hagrid jumped out of the steam roller and said,

"Blimey, Headmaster! You're lookin' a bit green around the gills! Would you like ter borrow some of my cough medicine?"

Dumbledore was about to respond from under the steamroller, but Ron gasped and yelled out, "Hagrid! You know there are no steamrollers allowed in Hogwarts! Shame!"

Hagrid walked away in shame. Dumbledore, still under the steamroller, stretched his arm out from underneath, reached over to Ron, and tried to grab his wallet out from his pocketses. Unfortunately for the headmaster, Ron had experience in dealing with pickpocketses. He whipped around, roared, and sunk his teeth into Dumbledore's ancient arm.

"Huzzah!" Dumbledore yelped. He tried to yank his arm away, but Ron was biting it so hard that his arm popped off. "AAAUGHH!" he cried out. Ron looked down at the disembodied arm in his mouth and gagged.

"Ugh! I'm dying! It's killed me!"

Hagrid poked his head around the grand door. "Yer not dyin'!" said he, and he disappeared.

"Oh." Ron said, looked at the arm on the ground, and yelped, "Ugh!"

Dumbledore, a very crafty one indeed, grabbed his arm with his other arm, and popped it back onto his side. "Good thing I brought my screwdriver!" he said, crawling out from under the steamroller. Suddenly, Hagrid flew in on his flying motorbike and landed on the headmaster. He rolled off, picked up Dumbledore, and rode off, crashing out through a window.

"Good thing that was a dirty window!" Ron said enthusiastically.

"Well, ANYWAY." Jenny interrupted, "We need to find that tallest tower. Harry, you go up that staircase. Ron, you go to the Transfiguration classroom. Katie can go to Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Hermione, go to Hagrid's hut. As for me... I'll be a knight. I mean, I'll go to Potions in the Dungeons. Let's find that tallest tower!"