The insane tales of MLP

chapter 50

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We see Moondancer building something while Berry Punch is relaxing on a lawn chair with some fruit punch. "Hammer." Asked Moondancer.

"Derpy, get me a hammer." Said Berry Punch.

"Hammer." Repeated Derpy, passing the hammer.

"Saw."

"Derpy, saw."

"Saw." repeated Derpy, giving it via her mouth.

"Hurry the fuck up." Said Moondancer.

"Damn bitch, I'm relaxing so why don't you relax."

"Bitch I don't give a fuck, now stop talking before I punch you and make you drop your fruit punch!"

"Okay you've been talking too much shit, Derpy, get me the plunger."

Silence.

"Derpy, I said plunger."

Silence.

"Did Dinky have another accident?" Said Berry, noticing that Derpy was gone.

Moondancer looked up and let out a tired groan. "Oh come on! I'm just about done and she goes off and ditches us? Now?"

They then started looking around.

"Hey Derpy! Where are you!?"

"Hi yah!" Shouted Derpy.

Both turned and saw Derply swinging the plunger around.

"Take this! Sublime Heaven! Of crap...those are some high defense stats..." She muttered backing up with Berry frowning. "Oh no, no, no, no-" And then Derpy fell backwards and started humming some sad game over music.

Berry and Moondancer walked over and looked over the mare.

"It's official, her brain is broke."

"Hey Derpy, not sure why you decided to take a break, but can you just get up now? We're almost done." Asked Moondancer.

She sat up and smiled. "Sorry about that, I was just playing with Jib."

"Jib? What kind of drunk idea of a name is that?" Asked Berry Punch. "And I should know what kind of names can be made up when drunk."

"My new friend of course." She said while gesturing to thin air.

"...the air?"

"No, my friend Jib! Say hi Jib." She said while hugging the air.

All the mares got was silence.

"Come on Moondancer, say hi back." Berry Punch greeted, hoping she would play along.

"Uh, hi, Jib." she greeted back, trying not to snicker.

"Dang Jib, you look so buff, wanna hoof wrestle?" Asked Berry Punch.

All she got was silence.

Berry then started laughing at her own joke.

Derpy looked at her and then the space before chuckling. "Jib wants to show you something."

"But I'm overwhelmed as is." Said Berry.

"And Jib's not real." Moondancer whispered.

"That's when Derpy grabbed Moondancer and placed her on an office chair.

"Um, Derpy?"

"Jib says sit!" Then she spun the chair super fast!

"Waaaaaahhhhhh!" Then Derpy quickly halted the spinning. "Dizzy, I'm so dizzy!" She cried, stumbling around before falling to the ground.

That's when Applejack appeared and for some reason she was walking a chicken.

"Hey Applejack! Come meet Derpy's new friend, Jib." spoke Berry with her hoof around the air.

"Jib? Who's Jib and why can't Ah see Jib?" Applejack picked up the chicken. "Did you try and get drunk off gutter water again?"

"Hi AJ, Jib loves chickens also." Said Derpy.

"Hmmm...not convinced ya'll aren't crazy yet."

"He also loves apples." Derpy added.

"Ah'm listenin'..." Said Applejack, fully convinced.

"Jib says sit!" Berry moved the chair over, knocking Applejack onto it before quickly spinning it. As soon as she grabbed it, AJ went flying off with a scream. "Bye Applejack, thanks for being in the fanfic." Berry called out before Applejack landed in pain!

"Well, other than my spinning eyes, that could have gone better."

"Okay Jib, your turn." Said Derpy. She gave it a wild spin as it slowed down after a few seconds before Derpy started laughing. "Oh man! Look at Jib throw up!"

Berry Punch and Moondancer still not getting it.

"Alright, alright, we spent too much time fooling around, we gotta finish the scam now."

"That was...something Derpy." remarked Moondancer as she and Berry started walking away.

"Come-on Derpy."

"Nope, sorry guys, Jib ain't a workhorse."

"So he's a deadbeat then."

"He'd rather be a deadbeat than a scammer. His words not mine."

"Scammer huh?" Berry frowned and walked over near Derpy. "Alright Jib, say that to my face."

"He said talk to the hoof."

"Oh, so he wants to be like that huh?" Said Berry Punch. "Fine, you and Jib go play while me and Moondancer work for money."

"I work for money." Derpy muttered.

"I mean the kind that isn't honest work."

Derpy puffed up her cheeks and turned around. "Come on Jib, we don't need this."

Later...

"And...it's done." Said Moondancer.

"Finally...what is it?"

"A crane game, and the prizes are all old stuff that doesn't work anymore but you made me polish them all to look good as new, don't you remember this or were you too drunk last night?"

"...uh..."

"Drunk it is."

"Oooh, what is that?" Said some fillies.

"Quick, hide." Said Moondancer. She and Berry quickly ducked over behind a bush.

"Crane game and for only 1 bit? What a steal." Said Dinky.

"Oh boy, I always wanted to try one of these." smiled Snails.

"I don't really need anything in this, but I'll let you guys have the prizes, just witness my skills." Said Diamond Tiara as she pulled out a bit.

"That's it, go for it." muttered Berry.

The bit was gonna enter the coin slot until...

"Hey kids." Derpy greeted.

They stopped and turned to Derpy.

"Hey mom." Dinky greeted.

"Hey there Dinky, I see you're playing with friends. Wanna meet my new friend Jib?"

"Sure, where is he?"

"Right here." She gestured.

"Uh...hi?"

"But anyways, here you go kids, Jib got you all presents." she pulled out several boxes from her mailbag.

"Presents?" The kids all said as they took one.

"I hate jib."

"I don't really need anything but thank you Jib." Said Diamond Tiara.

"You're a great pal Jib." Said Snails.

"Jib, you're so nice, I should get you a prize and give it to you as a present." Said Dinky.

"That's it." whispered Berry, rubbing her hooves together.

As Dinky was gonna put a bit into the coin slot...

"DINKY NO!" And then Derpy stopped her! "Jib says this machine is a ripoff. It's all a big scam."

"Really? Thank you Jib." Then Dinky walked away.

Berry popped her head out of the machine. "DERPY!" She shouted before her anger set her ablaze! "Aaaaaaaah! The fire is burning my guts!"

"That's what you get for being an alcoholic." Said Moondancer.

"Put me out!"

Derpy saw this and grabbed a cloud, put it over Berry and quickly put out the fire. "There we go, all better."

"Aaaaaah!"

"Why is she still on fire?"

"It's a chemical fire, get an extinguisher!"

Derpy flew off and got said item, but nothing came out.

"Aaaaah!"

Moondancer groaned and then just started smothering the fire by burying Berry Punch in dirt. "I knew something like this would happen one day."

That's when Berry's head burst through the dirt mound! "DERPY! Graaaaaaah!" She then charged at Derpy.

"Look out Jib, Berry's gonna tag you!" She said as something fell out of her bag.

Moondancer walked over and picked it up. "Well well well."

Berry Punch appeared and was very tired after chasing Derpy around.

"Berry, I figured it out!"

"Figured out what? How to kill Derpy?"

"Comic books, Berry!" she held it out. "This is what's caused Derpy to come up with Jib."

"Seriously? Comic Books?"

"Yep, and now that I know how to defeat this 'Jib' so we can get back to the status quo."

"Thank Celestia."

"Now...let's go find a lonely kid with an imaginary friend..."

(Later)

They then find Lickety Split with a wooden plank.

"Are you sure about this?" Asked Moondancer.

"Spike has not hung out with him after the greed birthday, he seems plenty lonely." Said Berry.

"Well it's worth a try."

They walked up to him.

"Hello there Lickity Split, we were wondering if you could help us out." Said Moondancer.

"Me?"

"Yeah, Derpy is being annoying right now and you can help."

"Help how?"

"She's got an imaginary friend."

"Imaginary friend? Sorry, not sure what you're talking about."

"BULLSHIT, I-I mean you know what we're talking about, Plank here is an imaginary friend." Said Berry.

"Berry, seriously? Swearing at a child? We need to limit your drinking."

"Focus!"

"Fine, but we're having a talk later..." Then she turned to Lickity Split. "Maybe Plank has some advice for us?"

He then looked at the board. "Oh, is that so? Well he said you should build an invisible trap."

"...you sure he's not drunk?"

"It's worth a shot." Said Moondancer.

The two of them moved to an open field with Moondancer pretending to use an invisible hammer on the ground.

"So how long is this gonna take?"

"With a few more adjustments and...it's ready Berry."

"Ready Berry, I like that. Jib! Jib we got a present for ya!"

Derpy was then seen waving bye to nobody. The camera panned over before the sound of a loud crash was heard.

"We got him!" Then Berry jumped on top of Jib! "Ha! Not so tough now, huh?"

That's when Berry was thrown off!

"Huh!?" And then Berry took a punch to the jaw! "Ow!" Berry was hoisted into the sky by an unseen force. "What the? Ack!" Jib dropped her on his knee, breaking her back! "YEOW!"

Moondancer went wide eyed and ran over to Derpy. "Derpy! Tell Jib to stop!"

"Aw, Jib's just playing."

And then we see Berry getting flattened by an invisible steam roller! Berry quickly re-inflated herself before getting stabbed by an invisible sword!

"Ah! My liver! I need that to drink!"

And then as Berry was getting beat by invisible nunchuck, the fillies and colts took notice.

"What's with Berry?" Asked Applebloom.

"She's playing with jib." smiled Derpy.

Then we see Berry reshaped into a ball and then thrown into some random window!

"It's good!" Spike shouted as everyone started cheering.

"Way to go Jib."

Later...we now see Jib waiting for the train as Derpy cries. Berry was tossing invisible bags into the compartment while Moondancer tried to console the pegasus.

"I had so much more fun stuff to do with Jib, I can't believe he's leaving!"

"Fuck you Jib, go to Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends!" snapped Berry while Derpy kept crying.

"Now who'll watch me and the doctor have unprotected sex?!"

"Uh time heals all wounds Derpy, it's true for me and Spike, took me a while to make him forget about Rarity after she rejected him." she muttered while patting the pegasus on the back.

"The train will be departing, please stay behind the yellow line." The conductor called.

Berry slammed the compartment shut with a smirk. "Miss you like a hernia."

And then the train started moving.

"Bye Jib." All the kids said as they waved bye.

"Gonna miss that guy." Said Dinky.

"This bites." Said Applebloom.

"And he didn't even get to try an Apple Family grown apple." Said Applejack.

"Jib said his work here is done." Said Derpy.

"Can we give it a rest already?" Said Moondancer.

"Oh Derpy~"

"Apparently not." Said Moondancer as they turn to Berry.

"Hey Derpy, guess what I got for you?"

"Ooh, a present, what is it?"

"An invisible potato, in an invisible slingshot."

"Ooh, where?"

"Uh Berry, Jib's gone, don't you think Derpy's had en-"

"Don't blink." Berry pulled her hoof back before what felt like a potato decked Derpy in between the eyes.