"James, you've got to give the Pensieve back!" Sirius whispered again. I slammed my fists down on the table and shook my head exasperated.
"No! I've tried to explain, I can't give it back now! It's a binding magical contract and you know it! Once it was in my hands I couldn't not except it. It would throw the balance of things... It's complicated..." I sighed.
"I don't see how it's complicated! You know exactly what the Pensieve represents! You can't hoodwink a Pensieve!" Sirius cried.
We'd been having this conversation for the past two hours and it was going nowhere. We were in the Common Room sitting at one of the low tables by the window. Outside it was grey and muggy, there were heavy dark clouds in the sky and the odd smattering of rain would hit the window pane.
I looked out at the grounds. The trees of the Forbidden Forest were whipping round each others limbs and tugging at foreign branches. The harsh wind was sending the dead leaves at the base of each trunk into mini hurricanes of decaying brown and the surface of the lake was rippling in hundreds of irregular waves.
The weather was gloomy, just like my mood. The way it always is the day after Christmas when the presents have been and gone and the excitement is over. When I was a kid I always hated Boxing Day. The day would feel almost clinical, just everyone going through the motions in a half daze.
"Look, what would I tell her anyway? It's not as though I can just blurt out the real reason, is it?" I spoke at last, dragging my eyes away from the dull sky.
"I dunno, James. Can't you just say that it's too personal?" Sirius shrugged and ran a hand over his shadow of a goatee. He'd been trying to grow one for months and failing miserably.
"That's putting it lightly," I raised my eyebrow at him, sarcasm dripping from my voice, "And it sounds a bit harsh, Sirius. How'd you feel if I had to give you back a present?" I slumped onto the table, "Oh God! I don't know! I don't want her to hate me!"
"I know, I know," he smirked a bit, looking down at my worried face, "Lily won't hate you."
"But she used to." I muttered with my head now propped up on my hands.
"Well, that's a chance you're going to have to take, mate. I think she'll understand; she's smart that one."
I nodded and held a cigarette up to my lips, lighting it.
"James, you know I hate it when you smoke." Padfoot glared at me with large blue eyes. He leaned across and plucked it from my mouth and then, as if in an afterthought, stubbed it out on my wrist.
"JAYSUS!" The ember burnt the thin skin and I jumped back. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, PSYCHO?!" I held my throbbing arm to me, blowing at the round red mark that tingled painfully.
"To make you quit."
"THAT'S NOT GONNA MAKE ME QUIT! IT'S GONNA MAKE ME SCARRED!"
"What? Is it only you who's allowed to give yourself scars, James? You're allowed to destroy yourself, yet others don't get a chance?" Sirius said calmly, not flinching at my shouting, "You're seventeen years old. And the way you're heading you'll be lucky to see you 21st birthday. Don't you see? You're slowly killing yourself."
"There are worse things than death, Padfoot." I muttered.
"Oh, really? Like what? Like Remus having to turn into a raging werewolf every month? Like me growing up as an outcast in a family full of Dark Wizards? Like Peter never being quite as good as his best friends? Get over yourself, James! You've a better life than the rest of us and you're throwing it away!"
"STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE! STOP MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU!" I yelled again, the Pensieve on the table now forgotten. "IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!"
"NO IT'S NOT!" Sirius stood up, his eyes blazed and suddenly I felt very frightened. Sirius never shouted at me like that. But now... now he was towering over me and power seemed to be crackling off his body. "YOU ARE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS MAKES IT ABOUT YOU! THAT'S YOU PROBLEM JAMES! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SAD AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ALONE!"
"WE'RE ALWAYS ALONE!"
"No. Not always. But you are. You alienate yourself and expect people to come running after you. To make it all better. Well, it doesn't work anymore." He was still standing over me, his voice now desperately calm and cold. I gulped.
"Lily came after me -"
"Once. One time. And just because she did it then doesn't mean she's yours. And just because she gave you a Pensieve doesn't mean she's yours either. That's why you don't want to give it back - you believe she'll want to be with you then." He said, sitting down again looking weary. There were, I noticed, lines on his young face that had not once been there and he looked more tired than anyone I'd ever seen, including Moony.
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" I shouted.
"Isn't it?" Sirius' eyes bore deep into my skull. I hadn't meant to let him explode like that. He'd been wanting to yell at me for a long time, I could tell.
"I'm sorry, Sirius." I murmured, "I'll tell Lily I can't have the Pensieve when I next see her." He nodded mutely and sinking back into his chair.
Boxing Day that year, as you can probably tell by now, was not going well. Peter was ill in the hospital wing having eaten too many Honeydukes chocolates and Remus was keeping him company. Lily was, to my knowledge, still in bed.
I picked up the Pensieve and looked into it's depths. I hadn't used it yet, so it was still empty, no swirling silvery clouds of thought around the base. I wanted to keep it. It was a great present and my first present from Lily. But by her giving it to me had sealed a mystic bond much like a Wizard's Debt. I would've always been bound to her, souls intertwined forever. Pensieves, to be honest, were the gift of a woman to her new husband on their wedding night. That was a scary thought to me. Especially if Lily hadn't known what it meant. Maybe more so if she had.
"Look... I've gotta go, James. I said I'd meet Remus in the library for a bit." Sirius stood to leave.
"Why?" I said curiously and for a moment his eyes were frantic but it passed in a second. He obviously hadn't been expecting me to ask him further. "Sirius?" I tried again.
"We have some homework to do," he said rapidly, "For Muggle Studies." That was the only NEWT that just him and Remus were doing so I let it go. Maybe he needed to get away from me and my halo of depressing-ness.
"K, I'll see you guys later then."
Once he'd gone, I studied the burn on my wrist. It was smooth and shiny and either a dark pink or a light red - I couldn't decide which. Also, it still hurt a bit. Hearing feet on the steps behind me I swiftly yanked down my shirt sleeve to cover it and spun to see Lily appear from the stairs.
"Mornin'..." she yawned, once more only wearing her Falmouth Falcons t-shirt. My heart leapt slightly at the sight of her.
"Afternoon," I grinned as she sat down across from me, "Sleep well?"
"Mmm," came the only reply, her face covered with dishevelled auburn hair.
"It's three o'clock. Do you want something to eat?" I asked again and getting only a vague replying nod, I continued, "Cereal? Toast? Pasta? What?"
"C..c..c..Cornflakes, please," she stifled out around a yawn. Pulling out my wand, I gave it a flick and a bowl filled with yellow cornflakes and sloshing milk appeared in front of her, accompanied by a tall glass of orange juice, a spoon and - to my complete surprise and horror - a tall, thin crystal vase with a single white lily in it.
For a few minutes she ate in silence before looking up. At the sight of the flower she cracked a small smile and brushed a petal with her hand. At last I cleared my throat and she glanced up one more.
Lily's face was pale and clear of make-up, not that she needed any. There was practically no blemish to be seen and if there was it did nothing to harm her features perfect symmetry. Her eyelids were drooping over her emerald irises and there was a trace of sleep-dust in the corner of both lids. Her lips were the palest pink and slightly dry and split, her two front teeth were gently caught on the lower lip giving Lily a childish appearance. Her hair was unbrushed and frizzy at the roots with the ends knotting together around her shoulders. From the corner of her mouth ran a small trickle of milk that she didn't seem to realise was there.
On other people all of this would've made them look awful, but to me, Lily had never looked more beautiful. I wanted to wake up every morning and see those drowsy eyes looking right back at me. Swallowing, I began.
"Look, Lil. I know this might sound a bit weird to you but I can't keep the Pensieve." She dropped her spoon back into the bowl with a small splash and her eyebrows creased into a sleepy frown.
"I don't understand."
"Lily, a Pensieve is what a witch bride gives to her husband after their wedding. It's a very VERY personal gift and there are heavy magical pledges that go with it. I can't keep it... I really can't." I looked right into her eyes, begging her, silently, to understand.
She looked at the silver dish on the table by her elbow.
"What do you mean 'pledges'?"
"I mean you would be bound to me, and I to you -"
"But what does that mean?" Lily sounded faintly angry now.
"It means..." I gulped, "That by giving me this Pensieve, you are willing giving me your life and by Wizarding law I - as the 'man'," I gestured in mid-air, "would be entitled to your... your... um, your, oh God," I slumped down in my chair so she could barely see me. Covering my face with my palms I finished, "Your chastity."
I looked out between two of my fingers in time to see her face blanche and then turn a bright beetroot red.
"Oh dear..." she said, her face in her hands like mine, "Oh dear, dear, dear. This is not good."
"Nope."
"The guy in the shop didn't mention anything to me."
"Yep."
"Why does the Wizarding world have something so... icky?"
"Icky?"
"Yes, James, icky."
"Why do you think it's icky?"
"Because, well, it just it! Isn't it?"
"I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"It's part of my world. My culture, if you want. It's just something that I've always known about, always excepted. It's supposed to be romantic."
"Romantic?"
"Doesn't the Muggle world have something similar?"
"NO!"
"Oh dear..."
"Exactly what I just said," For a moment we sat in silence before Lily continued, "So you wanna shag me now or later?"
"WHAT?!" I burst out, staring it utter disbelief.
"Well, it took me enough to trouble to get it, you can at least keep it."
"Lily - look. You - can't - just - do - that! It has to been meant. Seriously."
"James, what am I supposed to do with it?"
"Keep it. Until you get married. If you marry a wizard that is. I am not going to... shag you for a Christmas present! It's just kinda..."
"Icky?" she suggested.
"YES," I nodded vigorously.
***
Soon the rest of the school returned and lessons were resumed. The professors seemed to have entered the Spring term with a rather scary determination, directed towards the NEWT's. Each class brought new, tongue-twisting words that we, supposedly, knew the meaning of and were 'vital' to our exams. Within the first week back the Seventh years were stressed and ready for another break.
Lily and I began to brew our Polyjuice Potion. Professor Scelestra appeared to be particularly interested in our project, and she, along with McGonagall in Transfiguration, loaded extra books and facts on the both of us. Obviously extra credit was worth more credit than we'd originally thought.
One afternoon in Potions we'd been adding to the Polyjuice. As there were specific times when we had to use each ingredient, a lot of time when we were in the dungeons we'd just been doing research. The research never got boring as, to be honest, there was just so bloody much of it. Piles and piles of sheets of parchment, heavy leather bound books, skinny crumpled books, folders and notebooks. Instead of carting the whole lot around, the heap had been left on and around the desk creating a mini roundabout in the middle of the classroom.
"Okay, so after the lacewings you add the - what does it say?" Lily peered as the cracking pages of Moste Potente Potions, a small frown on her face.
"No, no, no! It says to add the leeches first, then the lacewings," I picked up a tall glass cylinder in which several large black slug-things were writhing around. Beside me, Lily shuddered.
"Urgh. Are they still alive?" she groaned.
"No, they're supposed to move like that when they're dead. Of course they're still alive, you fool!" I replied sarcastically. She gave me a look that would've killed pigeons in mid-flight and then gave the thick potions a quick stir. "Have you added the knotgrass?"
"No, where is it?" Lily ducked under the desk searching in between the other pots for the weird brown plant. To me it looked like very old string, but I was assured that it was a real potion ingredient. Neither Lily nor I had much patience for Potion making normally - she thought it was too much like cooking, not something, she said, she excelled at in the Muggle World. "Aha!" came her voice, and her auburn head popped back up, some knotgrass clutched in one palm.
She began shredding it up, ripping at it with long spiky fingernails. As it fell into the potion, the Polyjuice made the same gurgling noise as my stomach did when I was hungry. The liquid turned as gross mustard-yellow and the surface bubbled violently.
"Okay, and the leeches..." I prompted but once again received a 'look'. However this one very clearly said 'No way, not ever, never am I going to touch those THINGS.' I rolled my eyes and plucked them out one by one. They were slippery and slimy and I was very glad when Lily told me to stop. I rinsed my hands as she poured some lacewings over the top and stirred in a smooth figure of eight.
In the distance, a bell rang and the whole class reached down simultaneously for their bags and then surged towards the door. Remus caught me as I walked away from the desk, leaving Lily to walk with Sirius.
"James, would you give me a hand later with Transfiguration?" Remus said as we made our way up to the Main Entrance.
I raised an eyebrow. "Moony, why didn't you ask when I was tutoring the Lower School? Okay, sorry, sorry - joke! Course I'll help you," I nodded, "It's all anyone asks me to help them with now..." I mock-sniffed, a tearful expression on my face. Remus just laughed at me and told me not to be stupid.
"WATCH WERE YOU'RE GOING, EVANS!" came a shout behind me. I spun round, half way up the stairs to see Lily, bright red, picking up her books from the floor and Lucius Malfoy standing above her. On his face was a snide little smile. A Slytherin smile.
"Well, I shouldn't really get mad at you should I, Evans? I mean, afterall, you're just a stupid little Muggle when it comes down to it - aren't you?" He sneered at her and my blood began to boil.
Lily threw her head back. Malfoy was a good foot taller than her and she looked tiny next to him.
"I am a witch, Lucius." she said, her voice shaking.
"Oh, of course, I forgot! You're not a Muggle, oh no! You're much worse!" he stepped forward and reached out a hand. Lily flinched as his palm stroked her cheek and he twirled a strand of hair around one of his pale, bony fingers. "You're a filthy little Mudblood whore, aren't you? Tell me, who's better in bed? Wonderboy Potter or Daddy?"
Lily blanched and a few parchments dropped from her arms. The crowd, that had gathered around the two, muttered to one another. Some laughed while others shook their heads in disgust. I couldn't take it. I pushed past Remus and squeezed through the throng of pupils down the stairs as quickly as I could.
"Come on, Lillikins! You haven't answered my question! Or am I going to have to punish you? Or do you like punishments? Does your Daddy punish you, Evans? Does it feel good...?" Lucius smirked at Lily's white face. His hand had fallen from her face and was tugging delicately at her Gryffindor tie. He licked his lips, like a cat waiting to take its prey.
Pushing past the crowd, I reached the front just as Malfoy started to lower his lips to her neck. His disgusting, foul mouth daring to mare her perfect skin. I didn't think and just slashed my wand in his direction like a sabre.
BANG!
A fireball of crackling violet flames had burst from the tip of my wand and Malfoy flew off his feet, landing with a crack on the marble floor. His blond head bounced up within in a second, drawing out his wand from the folds of his cloak, still lying on the floor.
But I was too quick. There was an almighty rumbling in my eardrums and my heart was racing furiously. I cried: Expelliarmus! And the wand zoomed from his fingers tips in a flash of red, and the wood ricocheted off the walls, flying over peoples heads.
I stormed over to Lucius. He looked terrified as I stood over him.
"Just give me a reason," I whispered to him, "One single reason, and I swear - I SWEAR - I'll do it."
"You don't scare me, Potter," Malfoy sneered up at me, "Your blood's no more honourable than hers, is it?"
"I don't think blood has anything to do with who's holding the wand to your throat right now." I pointed out. This time, Malfoy didn't reply but instead spat right up in my face. It hit my cheek, cold, and I wiped it off with the cuff of my robes.
"Get up," I hissed, "I don't have time for this. Fifty points from Slytherin for disgraceful behaviour towards the Head Students. Another fifty for using language in this school that is offensive towards a large majority of the students. And another twenty for being plain vulgar. You have detention for the next week, starting tomorrow night. I'll ask McGonagall to give you something to do - I don't have anymore time for the scum of this earth like you.
"Understand?" I asked, "Good, now get out of my sight. And you lot, too!" I turned on the still watching students. "Are you, okay, Lil?"
She looked up at me and nodded silently as the students dispersed; Malfoy included. I put an arm round her and steered her back to the Gryffindor Common Room.
A/N I'm afraid this chapter was written kinda fast. Plus it's sort of weird, sorry about that! I'd completely forgotten about the Pensieve when I started another chapter! But I have the next one already done, so it should be up in a day or so! Thank you all so so so so so much for all the lovely reviews last chapter! I was shocked!
Captain Oblivious – I loooooooooooove Sirius! And Remus! They're the best! It was so great writing that chapter cos I just thought of all the things my male friends do and put them into the Marauders. My friends weren't too happy about it though – especially the one Remus is based on! Thanks for continuing to read!
CalliopeWithAQuill – Thanks for both of your reviews. I know it sucks that Lily and James smoked, but it's in the Eighties when people didn't realise it was bad for you (well not as much anyway). Plus they're both a bit 'affected' and people do stupid things when they have hard lives. Thanks for the grammer tip! I've tried as I hard as I can to get it right!
Unhealthily-Obsessed – Wow, thanks! Unique style! Woah! I can feel my ego growing by the second! Thanks so much!!!!! Keep reading!
allie kat5 – Aaw! Thank you so much! I always worry about my description but that makes me feel a load better about it!
Slytherinangel922 – Thanks! Is this updated soon enough?!
Mandycroyance – Ohmigod! I've never had a review like that! Thank you thank you thank you thank you! I can't believe anyone would say that about my writing! I suck at story writing at school! Wow! I can't get over that! New favourite person!!!! And I'll send out e-mails to reviewers whenever there's a new chapter or you could use author alert. Keep reading!
Tv-fan-06 – I most certainly will keep writing! Glad you like it! Thank yoooooooooou!
Angel Street – Here's one update! And another soon, as I said! Keep reading!
Babygal – Thanks! I've never tried writing from a guy's point-of-view before, but I love James too much!!! Keep reading!
Hannah7 – Why thank you very much indeed! Fabulous! Hope you're still enjoying it!
Wicca Willow – Well, you'll be pleased to know I wrote this entire chapter because of your review! I'd completely forgotten about the Pensieve! There's so much I wanna get written!!!! But this is specially for you! Keep reading!