Notes: I know, I'm evil. I wrote two versions of this, one where he
tells her and one where he doesn't. I went with this one. *g*
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will - still just playing in that pretty big sandbox!
The music drifted out into the hallway and he smiled a little as he realised she was trying to sing along with it. He'd never have thought he'd listen to jazz by choice but Giles had given him the CD for his birthday and he'd found himself unable to take it out of the player. Maybe it was cursed! A wry grin worked its way across his face as he realised that any normal person wouldn't automatically think something out of the ordinary was the result of a curse. But then, much as he liked to claim otherwise, he wasn't exactly any normal person – not after everything he'd seen and done.
The CD skipped through to the next track and he heard her falter for a moment before picking up the new song. She didn't have the best singing voice in the world and she got the words wrong more often than not but he didn't think he'd ever heard anything so perfect. Just the thought that she was here, and that she apparently now saw him as something more than her Xander-shaped-friend made his heart skip a beat.
And then the patented Xander Harris self-doubt hit him dead centre.
It was a fluke, had to have been. He was no stranger to flukes after all so he was a little surprised he hadn't recognised it for what it obviously was straight away. She'd been worried, she'd been under a hell of a lot of pressure and she wasn't quite over her power trip yet – they all knew it, she clearly hadn't been thinking straight. It was the only thing that made any sense, after all, what were the chances that after nearly eight years of friendship she'd suddenly look at him in that way… that way she had the night before…
Hell, maybe it was possible, after all *he* had. It had been a good few years since he'd looked at her as anything other than his best friend and one of the few people he would die for in a heartbeat. Sure, they'd been getting closer last year but then Dead Boy Junior had shown up and that particular train had been de-railed before it even left the station. It had been pretty clear after that that there was no room in Buffy's life for him in any role other than the sardonic sidekick. The fact that their growing closeness had begun a re-awaken of feelings he'd thought were long gone was irrelevant, he was her friend and that's all that mattered. But maybe, just maybe, things could be different now?
No, who was he kidding, this was a fluke, a one-off and the only thing he could do now was hope like hell it hadn't ruined the most important friendship in his life. Besides, as soon as she found out what he'd learned she'd probably never speak to him again…
Resolving to do his damndest to salvage that friendship, he took a deep breath and opened the door. She was sitting, sipping coffee, bathed in the sunlight streaming in through the windows. Her feet were drawn up underneath her and her whole demeanour gave off a definite `cat that got the cream' vibe. God, she was beautiful.
She looked up as he shut the door and he couldn't stop the smile that came to his lips. The smile she gave him in return confused him; it wasn't the smile of a friend, it was that of a lover.
Spirits soaring at that thought, he turned towards the kitchen to put away the groceries he'd had to rush out to buy. From behind him he heard her stand, he glanced back and watched in amazement as she turned to face the window and stretched out like a cat, her shirt – no *his* shirt he realised with a start – riding up to reveal her lean, tanned legs. He had to touch her, he had no control and before he even realised it he was holding her again. She leaned back into the embrace and tilted her head a little to smile up at him and he found himself wishing he could freeze time. It was the perfect moment, the woman of his dreams was in his arms where she belonged and all was right with the world.
And then she asked him the question he'd been dreading.
"You never did tell me. What happened?" He tried to make light of it, tried to make a joke but she wasn't buying it. She pulled away from him and looked him in the eye. "You know what I mean. What happened in that cave?"
He didn't want to tell her, he knew that when she heard what he had to say she would pull away from him completely. She'd doubtless think he was lying and even if she did believe him, it would mark the end of whatever this was and he really didn't want this to end.
Sitting down heavily in the chair she'd recently vacated, he couldn't meet her worried gaze. He knew he'd been lucky to make it out of that cave alive and he still hadn't processed everything in his head yet. Was he ready to tell anyone about it?
"Hey." He looked up and finally met her gaze. "It's me. You can tell me anything Xander. You know that." The concern on her face made his mind up. He had to tell her, he owed it to her to tell the truth, no matter what that might do to them.
Taking he deep breath he began, "Well. It's like this…"
Buffy knew that she loved her sister more than anything; Dawn was the very centre of her life and doubtless always would be. There were times, however, when she fervently wished all kinds of pain-filled deaths onto the youngest Summers. This was one of those times.
It had clearly taken a lot of internal struggling for Xander to begin to tell her what had happened and then, before he'd even had a chance to say anything, the ringing phone had interrupted him. Dawn. Yup, sometimes she would gladly throttle her younger sister.
"Hey Dawn Patrol, how's things?" Buffy found herself smiling indulgently at Xander as he rolled his eye a little as he spoke. "Yeah, she's here, I'm here, we're good." He listened for a second before breaking into a huge grin. "Anyone ever tell you you've got a real dirty mind for someone your age?"
Buffy was on her feet in an instant reaching for the phone, just what the hell was her sister insinuating? Xander just laughed a little and moved away, using his height advantage to keep the handset out of her reach.
"Huh? Oh nothing," he spoke into the receiver, "just Buffy getting her panties in a bunch." This time the laugh was much louder. "Dawn Summers! Wherever did you learn to talk like that!?" The change in Xander was marked, moments before he'd been vulnerable, almost a broken man and now, chatting and laughing with Dawn, he was instantly back to the man they all knew. A tiny frown creased her brow as she wondered at just how adept he was at switching off that kind of pain – or at least masking it. How many times had he done that in the past?
He'd always been so worried about other people; dealing with everyone else's problems, and not one of them had ever really spared a thought for his. It had only been a few months since Anya's death and, while they hadn't been a couple for a long time before that, Buffy knew the grief he had to have felt. And yet not once had he shown it, instead he'd thrown himself into whatever project caught his attention.
She smiled softly as she realised that her welfare had been one of those projects. He'd been there for her when she was struggling with the sheer weight of the future – for the first time since she was 15 she finally had options and she had no idea what to do with them. He'd been there for her; he'd encouraged her to follow her heart even when it led her away from them. Maybe he'd known that was only temporary, that she'd find her way back to them – to him. Never had he pushed for information, demanded to know what was going on, she owed it to him to be there for him in the same way. He'd tell her what had happened in his own time, if she forced the issue she'd only push him away and that thought scared her so much right at that moment that she couldn't breathe.
She felt his gaze on her and looked up to see a quizzical expression on his face as he spoke to Dawn, "Yeah, look, d'you want to speak to her?… Okay, here she is – I'll see you soon." He handed the phone to her and mouthed "Are you okay?" She nodded and favoured him with a bright smile as she took the handset.
"Hey Dawnie." She knew her sister hated that name which is why she called her it at every possible opportunity.
"Why the hell haven't you called?! He's okay? When did you get there? What happened? Where was he?"
"Dawnie, calm down. Sorry I didn't call before now but…" she paused for a second, trying to think of what she could tell her sister, then she grinned. "I was a bit tied up. He's okay, I got here last night, I'm not sure and ditto." Xander was still watching her with a concerned look on her face, she smiled reassuringly at him and mouthed "I'm fine!" before shooing him away. He stood for a moment, just watching her, before turning away and heading to the kitchen area. She was grateful for the opportunity to speak to Dawn in private, and she wandered across to the window to gaze down at the Moroccan market place while she listened.
"Buffy? Are you okay? You're kinda quiet."
"I'm fine Dawn, really. Better than fine actually."
"Okay…" it was clear her sister didn't believe her.
"Honestly, I'm fine. I've just got a lot to deal with right now, will you be okay on your own for a few days?"
"So you're staying there then?"
Buffy smiled, as if she could be anywhere else right now. "Yeah, for a few days anyway."
"So did you finally wake up and smell the hottie then?"
"Dawn!" She was shocked at the teasing from her younger sister, especially since she remembered using those self-same words a few years ago.
"Well? Did you?"
Buffy couldn't stop the broad smile that worked its way onto her face – nor did she want to. She turned to look into the apartment and watched as Xander retrieved the groceries from where they'd landed on the kitchen floor, all the while singing along to the CD oblivious to her watching him.
"Yes," she confirmed softly, "I guess I did."
She had to hold the phone away from her ear as Dawn's whoop of delight threatened to deafen her and she could see Xander look up as he heard it from the other side of the apartment. "About bloody time!"
"Dawn, watch your language! You've been spending too much time around Giles, haven't you?"
"Sorry Buffy it's just… what took you so long? Another year or so and I'd have made a play for him!"
She was lost for words, was this really her sister talking to her? Aware that she was impersonating a goldfish, she forced herself to take a deep breath and was about to bawl out her sister when Dawn interrupted her.
"By the way, Giles arrived last night with Andrew, they've got something to tell you, does that place have a speaker phone? Xander'll probably want to hear this as well."
Buffy looked around for the base unit and checked, "Yeah, hang on a second I'll get Xander." She covered the mouthpiece with her hand and whispered "Giles is there, he wants to tell us something." She laughed as he rolled his eye and pantomimed shaking his head frantically. Giving him no option she hit the button and said, "Okay Dawnie, we're here."
Instead of Dawn, it was Giles who spoke next, "Xander? I'm glad to hear you've turned up safe and sound. I trust everything's under control?" Buffy frowned at the odd question but before she could say anything Xander answered from beside her.
"Yeah, I guess. I'll get a report to you as soon as I can."
"Excellent. Well, onto other matters…"
"Now wait a minute!" Buffy couldn't stop herself, "Don't you want to know what happened? He's been hurt Giles, don't you care?"
"Xander's hurt?" It was Andrew's tremulous voice which solicited another eye roll from both Xander and Buffy this time.
"I'm fine guys, really. Just a few cuts and bruises." Xander replied while Buffy pointedly ignored the muttered comments from Dawn about how rough Buffy was on men. "What were you going to say G-Man?"
"The retrieval of the newly identified Slayer was successful. Her name is Dana, she's a very disturbed young girl I'm afraid. We've had doctors examine her and they say she should recover eventually, but it will be a long time, if ever, before she's capable of accepting any kind of training as a Slayer." Giles went on to explain the history of Dana's psychosis and some of the treatment she'd gone through before becoming a Slayer.
"She's in the best place, Giles. She's got the support of all of us now, we'll get her through this – won't we?" Buffy's tone had softened considerably as she listened to the sorry tale of her sister Slayer.
"Yes, of course."
Giles paused for a moment, prompting Xander to ask, "Giles? Is there something else?"
The Englishman cleared his throat and Buffy could swear she heard him clean his glasses. "Yes, I'm afraid there is. Buffy, I don't quite know how to tell you this…"
He didn't get the chance to try as Andrew interrupted with an excited shout of "Spike's alive!"
Buffy felt her jaw drop, there had been rumours of course, but she'd not let herself pay any attention to them. Spike had done a lot for them, he'd died for them, he'd proven he was worthy of her faith in him; but ultimately he was part of the past she wanted to put behind her. With encouragement and guidance from everyone around her – especially Xander, she realised – she'd taken a step back, she was no longer The Slayer. She was Buffy Summers, and Spike's death had been a huge part in that change. Now, if what Andrew was saying was true, what did that mean for her?
A thud from behind her startled her, and she turned quickly to see knuckle-shaped dents in the wall and Xander absently clenching his hands into fists.
"Buffy?" Giles' voice echoed through the room, "Are you alright? What do you want to do about this?"
"Yeah, I'm here." She watched Xander, trying to gauge his reaction. His jaw was clenched and he was clearly trying not to say anything. "I think… I think I should go see him."
His face like thunder, Xander turned and walked out of the apartment without saying a word.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will - still just playing in that pretty big sandbox!
The music drifted out into the hallway and he smiled a little as he realised she was trying to sing along with it. He'd never have thought he'd listen to jazz by choice but Giles had given him the CD for his birthday and he'd found himself unable to take it out of the player. Maybe it was cursed! A wry grin worked its way across his face as he realised that any normal person wouldn't automatically think something out of the ordinary was the result of a curse. But then, much as he liked to claim otherwise, he wasn't exactly any normal person – not after everything he'd seen and done.
The CD skipped through to the next track and he heard her falter for a moment before picking up the new song. She didn't have the best singing voice in the world and she got the words wrong more often than not but he didn't think he'd ever heard anything so perfect. Just the thought that she was here, and that she apparently now saw him as something more than her Xander-shaped-friend made his heart skip a beat.
And then the patented Xander Harris self-doubt hit him dead centre.
It was a fluke, had to have been. He was no stranger to flukes after all so he was a little surprised he hadn't recognised it for what it obviously was straight away. She'd been worried, she'd been under a hell of a lot of pressure and she wasn't quite over her power trip yet – they all knew it, she clearly hadn't been thinking straight. It was the only thing that made any sense, after all, what were the chances that after nearly eight years of friendship she'd suddenly look at him in that way… that way she had the night before…
Hell, maybe it was possible, after all *he* had. It had been a good few years since he'd looked at her as anything other than his best friend and one of the few people he would die for in a heartbeat. Sure, they'd been getting closer last year but then Dead Boy Junior had shown up and that particular train had been de-railed before it even left the station. It had been pretty clear after that that there was no room in Buffy's life for him in any role other than the sardonic sidekick. The fact that their growing closeness had begun a re-awaken of feelings he'd thought were long gone was irrelevant, he was her friend and that's all that mattered. But maybe, just maybe, things could be different now?
No, who was he kidding, this was a fluke, a one-off and the only thing he could do now was hope like hell it hadn't ruined the most important friendship in his life. Besides, as soon as she found out what he'd learned she'd probably never speak to him again…
Resolving to do his damndest to salvage that friendship, he took a deep breath and opened the door. She was sitting, sipping coffee, bathed in the sunlight streaming in through the windows. Her feet were drawn up underneath her and her whole demeanour gave off a definite `cat that got the cream' vibe. God, she was beautiful.
She looked up as he shut the door and he couldn't stop the smile that came to his lips. The smile she gave him in return confused him; it wasn't the smile of a friend, it was that of a lover.
Spirits soaring at that thought, he turned towards the kitchen to put away the groceries he'd had to rush out to buy. From behind him he heard her stand, he glanced back and watched in amazement as she turned to face the window and stretched out like a cat, her shirt – no *his* shirt he realised with a start – riding up to reveal her lean, tanned legs. He had to touch her, he had no control and before he even realised it he was holding her again. She leaned back into the embrace and tilted her head a little to smile up at him and he found himself wishing he could freeze time. It was the perfect moment, the woman of his dreams was in his arms where she belonged and all was right with the world.
And then she asked him the question he'd been dreading.
"You never did tell me. What happened?" He tried to make light of it, tried to make a joke but she wasn't buying it. She pulled away from him and looked him in the eye. "You know what I mean. What happened in that cave?"
He didn't want to tell her, he knew that when she heard what he had to say she would pull away from him completely. She'd doubtless think he was lying and even if she did believe him, it would mark the end of whatever this was and he really didn't want this to end.
Sitting down heavily in the chair she'd recently vacated, he couldn't meet her worried gaze. He knew he'd been lucky to make it out of that cave alive and he still hadn't processed everything in his head yet. Was he ready to tell anyone about it?
"Hey." He looked up and finally met her gaze. "It's me. You can tell me anything Xander. You know that." The concern on her face made his mind up. He had to tell her, he owed it to her to tell the truth, no matter what that might do to them.
Taking he deep breath he began, "Well. It's like this…"
Buffy knew that she loved her sister more than anything; Dawn was the very centre of her life and doubtless always would be. There were times, however, when she fervently wished all kinds of pain-filled deaths onto the youngest Summers. This was one of those times.
It had clearly taken a lot of internal struggling for Xander to begin to tell her what had happened and then, before he'd even had a chance to say anything, the ringing phone had interrupted him. Dawn. Yup, sometimes she would gladly throttle her younger sister.
"Hey Dawn Patrol, how's things?" Buffy found herself smiling indulgently at Xander as he rolled his eye a little as he spoke. "Yeah, she's here, I'm here, we're good." He listened for a second before breaking into a huge grin. "Anyone ever tell you you've got a real dirty mind for someone your age?"
Buffy was on her feet in an instant reaching for the phone, just what the hell was her sister insinuating? Xander just laughed a little and moved away, using his height advantage to keep the handset out of her reach.
"Huh? Oh nothing," he spoke into the receiver, "just Buffy getting her panties in a bunch." This time the laugh was much louder. "Dawn Summers! Wherever did you learn to talk like that!?" The change in Xander was marked, moments before he'd been vulnerable, almost a broken man and now, chatting and laughing with Dawn, he was instantly back to the man they all knew. A tiny frown creased her brow as she wondered at just how adept he was at switching off that kind of pain – or at least masking it. How many times had he done that in the past?
He'd always been so worried about other people; dealing with everyone else's problems, and not one of them had ever really spared a thought for his. It had only been a few months since Anya's death and, while they hadn't been a couple for a long time before that, Buffy knew the grief he had to have felt. And yet not once had he shown it, instead he'd thrown himself into whatever project caught his attention.
She smiled softly as she realised that her welfare had been one of those projects. He'd been there for her when she was struggling with the sheer weight of the future – for the first time since she was 15 she finally had options and she had no idea what to do with them. He'd been there for her; he'd encouraged her to follow her heart even when it led her away from them. Maybe he'd known that was only temporary, that she'd find her way back to them – to him. Never had he pushed for information, demanded to know what was going on, she owed it to him to be there for him in the same way. He'd tell her what had happened in his own time, if she forced the issue she'd only push him away and that thought scared her so much right at that moment that she couldn't breathe.
She felt his gaze on her and looked up to see a quizzical expression on his face as he spoke to Dawn, "Yeah, look, d'you want to speak to her?… Okay, here she is – I'll see you soon." He handed the phone to her and mouthed "Are you okay?" She nodded and favoured him with a bright smile as she took the handset.
"Hey Dawnie." She knew her sister hated that name which is why she called her it at every possible opportunity.
"Why the hell haven't you called?! He's okay? When did you get there? What happened? Where was he?"
"Dawnie, calm down. Sorry I didn't call before now but…" she paused for a second, trying to think of what she could tell her sister, then she grinned. "I was a bit tied up. He's okay, I got here last night, I'm not sure and ditto." Xander was still watching her with a concerned look on her face, she smiled reassuringly at him and mouthed "I'm fine!" before shooing him away. He stood for a moment, just watching her, before turning away and heading to the kitchen area. She was grateful for the opportunity to speak to Dawn in private, and she wandered across to the window to gaze down at the Moroccan market place while she listened.
"Buffy? Are you okay? You're kinda quiet."
"I'm fine Dawn, really. Better than fine actually."
"Okay…" it was clear her sister didn't believe her.
"Honestly, I'm fine. I've just got a lot to deal with right now, will you be okay on your own for a few days?"
"So you're staying there then?"
Buffy smiled, as if she could be anywhere else right now. "Yeah, for a few days anyway."
"So did you finally wake up and smell the hottie then?"
"Dawn!" She was shocked at the teasing from her younger sister, especially since she remembered using those self-same words a few years ago.
"Well? Did you?"
Buffy couldn't stop the broad smile that worked its way onto her face – nor did she want to. She turned to look into the apartment and watched as Xander retrieved the groceries from where they'd landed on the kitchen floor, all the while singing along to the CD oblivious to her watching him.
"Yes," she confirmed softly, "I guess I did."
She had to hold the phone away from her ear as Dawn's whoop of delight threatened to deafen her and she could see Xander look up as he heard it from the other side of the apartment. "About bloody time!"
"Dawn, watch your language! You've been spending too much time around Giles, haven't you?"
"Sorry Buffy it's just… what took you so long? Another year or so and I'd have made a play for him!"
She was lost for words, was this really her sister talking to her? Aware that she was impersonating a goldfish, she forced herself to take a deep breath and was about to bawl out her sister when Dawn interrupted her.
"By the way, Giles arrived last night with Andrew, they've got something to tell you, does that place have a speaker phone? Xander'll probably want to hear this as well."
Buffy looked around for the base unit and checked, "Yeah, hang on a second I'll get Xander." She covered the mouthpiece with her hand and whispered "Giles is there, he wants to tell us something." She laughed as he rolled his eye and pantomimed shaking his head frantically. Giving him no option she hit the button and said, "Okay Dawnie, we're here."
Instead of Dawn, it was Giles who spoke next, "Xander? I'm glad to hear you've turned up safe and sound. I trust everything's under control?" Buffy frowned at the odd question but before she could say anything Xander answered from beside her.
"Yeah, I guess. I'll get a report to you as soon as I can."
"Excellent. Well, onto other matters…"
"Now wait a minute!" Buffy couldn't stop herself, "Don't you want to know what happened? He's been hurt Giles, don't you care?"
"Xander's hurt?" It was Andrew's tremulous voice which solicited another eye roll from both Xander and Buffy this time.
"I'm fine guys, really. Just a few cuts and bruises." Xander replied while Buffy pointedly ignored the muttered comments from Dawn about how rough Buffy was on men. "What were you going to say G-Man?"
"The retrieval of the newly identified Slayer was successful. Her name is Dana, she's a very disturbed young girl I'm afraid. We've had doctors examine her and they say she should recover eventually, but it will be a long time, if ever, before she's capable of accepting any kind of training as a Slayer." Giles went on to explain the history of Dana's psychosis and some of the treatment she'd gone through before becoming a Slayer.
"She's in the best place, Giles. She's got the support of all of us now, we'll get her through this – won't we?" Buffy's tone had softened considerably as she listened to the sorry tale of her sister Slayer.
"Yes, of course."
Giles paused for a moment, prompting Xander to ask, "Giles? Is there something else?"
The Englishman cleared his throat and Buffy could swear she heard him clean his glasses. "Yes, I'm afraid there is. Buffy, I don't quite know how to tell you this…"
He didn't get the chance to try as Andrew interrupted with an excited shout of "Spike's alive!"
Buffy felt her jaw drop, there had been rumours of course, but she'd not let herself pay any attention to them. Spike had done a lot for them, he'd died for them, he'd proven he was worthy of her faith in him; but ultimately he was part of the past she wanted to put behind her. With encouragement and guidance from everyone around her – especially Xander, she realised – she'd taken a step back, she was no longer The Slayer. She was Buffy Summers, and Spike's death had been a huge part in that change. Now, if what Andrew was saying was true, what did that mean for her?
A thud from behind her startled her, and she turned quickly to see knuckle-shaped dents in the wall and Xander absently clenching his hands into fists.
"Buffy?" Giles' voice echoed through the room, "Are you alright? What do you want to do about this?"
"Yeah, I'm here." She watched Xander, trying to gauge his reaction. His jaw was clenched and he was clearly trying not to say anything. "I think… I think I should go see him."
His face like thunder, Xander turned and walked out of the apartment without saying a word.
to be continued...