Author's note: Sorry, guys. I think I forgot to update yesterday! Ah well, here's the next instalment.

Warnings: bad language, angst, 1x2 action.

Til the Clouds Roll By

Part 6 – Without the Presence of Love.

Heero is back. Here. En la casa.

I stand in the kitchen for a moment with Wufei whilst Quatre makes small talk with Heero and Trowa about the gundams. There's a brief pause before Heero says, "How's Duo?"

"I'm fine," I reply, emerging from the kitchen, left hand ghosting the wall for support with Wufei closely behind me.

I can picture the scene in my head. Heero looks at Quatre, Quatre shrugs in defeat and prays that Heero is in a good mood.

We all pray that Heero is in a good mood.

"Trowa, Wufei," Quatre says, managing extremely well to disguise the anxiety in his voice, "Let's go and decide what we're having for dinner."

I step out of the doorway to allow the others past, leaving Heero and me alone in the hallway. I stand there for what feels like an eternity, cursing that I cannot see the expression on his face as neither of us speak. I'm guessing it's impassiveness, but for obvious reasons I can't be sure.

I decide to end this Mexican standoff. "Can we talk?" I say, shifting slightly and wishing Quatre had given me stronger painkillers as my shoulder is starting to throb.

"Fine," comes the reply and I inwardly cringe at the repressed anger in his voice. "But not here."

I nod my assent and allow Heero to lead me outside. There is no wooden porch like at the last safe house, but what lies beyond the four walls is even more amazing. I can't believe my sharp ears never noticed the roar of the ocean, which lies here on our doorstep, beating against the rocks of our cliff side home. Heero's grip on my arm is firmer now as my feet touch the craggy ground and I know, despite the fact that our terrain is pretty dangerous for a blind person to negotiate, he will not let me fall. Eventually he stops and indicates for me to sit, easing me to the ground to prevent me jolting my damaged shoulder during the movement.

He sits down beside me, although not as close as I would have liked and for several long moments there is no sound other than the ebb and flow of the early evening tide many feet below us. Once again, it is I that breaks the silence.

"Tell me what it's like," I say.

"Huh?"

"The view. Tell me what it's like."

Heero pauses. "We're on top of a cliff," he says without any attempt to romanticise about the incredible scenery that God has provided.

"Really?" I say in mock surprise, rolling my eyes although I suppose I shouldn't have expected any more from 'Mr Less Said The Better'. "Should I take up bungee jumping?"

"You shouldn't have done it, Duo."

My smart mouth is about to fire back a response but I hold it in check. Heero wants to talk serious and I am wise enough to stop jesting, knowing he will only try once. "I'm sorry," I say, hoping he will realise my obvious remorse.

"Sorry? You pull a stunt like that and you're sorry?"

Any response is cut short by a stab of pain in my shoulder, which causes me to wince. Heero notices it, like he never misses any reaction no matter how subtle. "Are you okay?" he asks, although the tenderness is absent from his voice.

"I'm fine," I say through gritted teeth as I clutch the damaged appendage. I really don't need this now and I'm surprised it's still so painful since it's had three days rest. I wait until the pain eases before I turn back to face him. "What exactly do you want me to say if sorry isn't good enough? I am sorry but I can't make you accept my apology, can I?"

The ball is now in his court, the next move up to him. He duly responds, allowing a little of the anger inside him to seep into his voice. "How do you think it feels, Duo, to witness you inviting your own death?"

"Pretty much the same as when I watched you self-destruct I guess," I reply, irritated by Heero's condescending attitude. I do want to make things better but I can't help but get annoyed when he talks to me like this. I'm sure he forgets we're the same age sometimes, although in terms of life experience I reckon I'm way ahead of him.

"Look, I can't take back what I've done," I say trying to reason with him, "I was angry and I wasn't thinking straight. I heard you all talking about me and just felt so useless. When that soldier reinforced my belief I just flipped."

"We were only talking about the safest way to get you away from the safe house," he replies, sounding hurt.

"Yeah, but you were doing it without me. Why couldn't you have come and got me out of bed and said 'What do you think, Duo? Have you got any good ideas?' My brain works fine, Heero," I say, tapping the side of my head. "Even if my eyes don't."

He is silent now and I know he is trying to process all this information using every ounce of his impoverished social skills. He's trying to work out how he's hurt me during the action of looking after my best interests and I know he'll be coming up blank. He just doesn't get it.

I knew what I was getting myself into falling for an emotional cripple like Heero, but I can't deny that it's hard work, leaving me questioning my taste in partners as often as I draw breath. I have to keep reminding myself than he comes across as deeply insensitive because his emotions have been forcibly removed from him. The people responsible were naïve to think that he'd never regain them but it's a slow process as the nuances of humankind continue to confound him time and time again. He still can't see anything wrong with the time Relena invited him to her birthday party and he ripped the invitation up in the poor girl's face. 'I didn't want to go', is Heero's argument in his defence, but I've told him there are better ways to go about things like that without hurting people and turning them into first-class stalkers. And now, I am having to remind myself that he doesn't mean to hurt me like this, but I'd be lying if I said it was easy. Question is, do I want to have to keep justifying his actions when he compromises our happiness because of what he says and does without realising?

"Do you love me, Heero?" I ask after yet another long pause.

"You don't need to ask that, Duo"

"But I am asking. Do you love me, Heero?"

I jump slightly as a hand touches my one free hand that is still pressed to my sore shoulder.

"Yes, of course I love you, baka."

I allow myself to smile slightly as I hear the words that would cheer the coldest of hearts. Our love might be unconventional and a far cry from any fairytale, but I want it nonetheless. I can't help but wonder what the therapists back at Sunnyview would make of my current life. That fact that I've managed to fall in love with someone who is possibly more fucked up than me would probably interest them greatly. The manic depressive, psychotic suicide risk and the emotional destitute. A love match made in Heaven!

Heero continues to caress my hand with his but I sense tenseness within him still. I have a feeling he is still worried that I will do something stupid if the opportunity arises again, but I am unsure how to convince him that I won't. Maybe that's because I would never guarantee my reactions, being the impulsive fly-by-night that I am. He knows I won't lie so he avoids asking because he fears the response. Heh, maybe I should consider a career in psychology since I have first-hand experience of being a nutcase! I shut out these thoughts to concentrate on the battles of wills we are engaged in once again.

"Just don't shut me out and accept that I need to regain some independence," I say, hoping he will understand that I am trying to help him avoid any situations that may push me towards self-harm.

"I'll try," he says with the quiet determination that makes me want to jump up and rip his clothes off like a crazed animal. My mind displays a rather pleasing image of me doing just that as the waves continue to crash on the rocks below us but then I remember I am injured and the vision bursts instantaneously. Damn, it's hard to look sexy when you're bandaged up like a mummy and your hair's been styled by 'Quatre Scissorhands'. Our 'talk' at an end, Heero stands and helps me do the same. Before we can make our way back to the house Heero comes close and puts one rough hand against my cheek.

"Just promise me you won't wander off again," he says, determined to extract at least one promise from me before this heart-to-heart is at an end.

"Promise," I repeat, nodding my head for emphasis. "But soon I'll be able to handle a similar situation if it happens again."

"Oh?" Heero replies, curiosity betraying his normally emotionless voice. "How so?"

I explain my earlier conversation with Wufei as he listens with what I hope is interest.

"That's great," he says after a pause and I feel relieved that Heero respects my fierce determination to win back some of my independence. I feel further encouraged when he takes my hand and we walk back across the cliff top like lovers taking a stroll in the early evening.

The others have already decided on our menu and the smell of vegetable stir fry greets us as we step back inside the house. They sense that our peace negotiations have been successful and as a direct result, the meal is a more light-hearted affair, the likes of which we haven't seen since before the accident. Heero is quiet and taciturn throughout, but I remind myself that even in the company of friends he finds it difficult to make trivial chitchat, which is the norm around the dinner table.

He speaks only to express his concern when I enquire about the likelihood of more painkillers. "Is your shoulder still that sore?" he asks, sounding surprised.

"Hell yes," I reply, abandoning my fork for a moment to clutch the disagreeable body part.

"Maybe you did break something," Quatre adds. "Hopefully we'll be able to get you to a hospital soon."

"Yeah," I mutter as Heero presses a couple more pills into my left hand. I swallow them quickly and will them to start working soon. They must have been different from the last ones Quatre gave me as before long, I am feeling seriously sleepy and I am only vaguely aware when, soon after, Heero is carrying me up to bed. In my stupor I mutter something about him getting in bed with me but he tries to resist, citing my damaged shoulder as the reason we should sleep in separate beds. However, my free hand is gripping his shirt so tightly he has little choice but to climb in with me and hope that as I drift into a deeper slumber my purchase on his clothing will loosen enough to allow him to escape.

But despite the drugs, I have no intention of that happening. Before long, I am caressing him in the manner that indicates I have love on my mind and although his mind may be protesting, his body gives in to the pleasure I am offering as my touch moves lower. Half asleep, and with my only available hand, I bring him to release before he does the same for me. Only then do I allow myself to drift off to sleep, which, despite the resulting stickiness, is the most relaxing I have experienced for a long time.

I awake to find Heero moving about the room. His actions and the tone of his voice when he speaks hint at agitation. "Good, you're awake," he says as I hear him pulling on clothes. "We've been called out on a mission."

"And?" I reply, rubbing at my face sleepily and pushing myself up in bed.

"All of us," he says and for a nanosecond I think he means me as well. "So you'll be here on your own."

I attempt to shrug to show my lack of concern at this information but the pain in my shoulder cuts short the action. "Is that a problem?"

"No but I'd rather someone was here with you"

"I'm not a child, Heero," I reply, despite the fact that my chronological age begs to differ.

He sighs, an expression of emotion that he rarely allows himself. Here and now he is truly torn between his life as a soldier and his loyalty to me as his lover. He won't stay, that much is certain, but I know he is searching that big old brain of his to come up with a solution that will satisfy his worries.

"Heero," I chide, "How am I supposed to regain any independence if you won't let me alone for a minute?"

There's a pause whilst he crosses the room to where I am sat and wraps his arms around me carefully. "I'm sorry," he says nuzzling my free shoulder, his chocolate mane tickling my back as his lips graze my bare skin.

"Apology accepted," I reply huskily, aroused by the intimacy and quite happy for him to stay and look after me is this is how he intends to keep me amused, but the reality is he is going off to fight and I know I have no right to stop him. He pulls away somewhat reluctantly as the sound of the others emerging from their rooms breaks the silence.

"I have to go," he says quietly.

"I know. Come back soon, Heero."

And then he is gone. I realise Heero forgot to give me my painkillers before he left so I am relieved to find them on the side next to my bed. Unfortunately I am less successful finding some water to take them with so I end up dry swallowing the two chalky tablets, grimacing as they claw their way down my throat and into my stomach. I decide that, to pass the time and ease my restlessness, I will test my mental map of the layout of the house. Yeah I know, that was a pretty crap excuse. I'm hungry, okay?

I find the tracksuit pants that Heero has left out for me and pull them on one handed before I head to the door. The house isn't particularly cold and the bandage covers my upper body pretty well so I don't bother to find a sweatshirt. As I reach the open doorway I take a few moments to focus my mind, almost as if I'm on a mission. In a sense, I guess I am and I have no intention of failing. I find the stairs quickly and make my way down to the lower floor keeping firm hold of the banister until the floor evens out beneath me.

"Round one, Duo," I announce proudly to the empty house as I continue my visualised journey through to the kitchen. Once inside my favourite room in the house, I feel my way around until the cold touch beneath my fingers indicates that I've found the refrigerator. Conveniently, someone has left a bowl of cereal out for me on the side next to the appliance and I pour the milk over the chocolate flakes, being careful not to pour too much in and feeling triumphant that this is not as difficult as I'd imagined. I leave the carton on the side - hey I did that when I could see - and feel my way to the kitchen table, which is handily placed right behind me. I then turn back and pick up my breakfast, transferring it to the table with no spillage whatsoever.

"Duo scores again," I say, grinning broadly as I take my seat and prepare to demolish my meagre breakfast. The good point is I find my mouth okay. The bad point is it wasn't milk I poured on my cereal.

"Euwww," I complain out loud as I spit the mouthful back into the bowl. "Shit that's gross!" I have just learnt a vital lesson. Chocoflakes do not go well with orange juice.

Giving up on a (relatively) sensible breakfast, I return to the refrigerator and root around in the colder compartment until I come across the familiar feel of my favourite treat, a huge bucket-shaped tub of ice cream. This should keep me busy until the others get back!

Actually that wasn't strictly true, and after polishing off a good three quarters of the iced dessert in no time at all I am bored once again. It is then that I remember Heero telling me that Sally had called for me several days ago, when we were still at the last safe house. Boredom piques my curiosity and I decide to return her call, praying that she is available so I don't have to spend the rest of the day wondering what she wanted.

As luck would have it, she answers on the second ring after I have dialled her number on my cel phone, which Heero had thoughtfully tucked into the pocket of my track pants.

"Duo!" she says sounding both relieved and surprised. "At last!"

"Hey Sally," I reply, visualising the tall, confident woman on the other end of the phone. "Heero said you'd rung for me."

"Yeah, about four days ago! Where've you been?"

"We had a few problems but they were sorted, thanks to your excellent info of course. Now what can I do for you?"

"Well," she says and I hear the rustling of papers in the background, "I have some information that I thought might interest you." There's a pause and for a second I think the connection has broken up. "But I don't want to get your hopes up unfairly."

A thousand possibilities race through my mind about what she is about to say and I can barely find enough voice to say, "Shoot. I'm listening."

"Okay," she says and I can sense uncertainty in her voice about what she saying. "I ran a few tests after you were here last time and I found out some interesting things about you, Duo."

"Really?" I reply, not sure whether I should be worried or not. "You're not gonna tell me I've got some life-threatening disease are you 'cause I've really got enough on my plate right now…"

"No, nothing like that," she replies, quick to quell my over-active imagination. "It's relating to your immune system. Tell me, Duo, have you noticed that you take a long time to get over illnesses and injuries?"

I think about it for a moment. "I guess so but I've never really given it much thought. Why d'you ask?"

"Well, it seems you have a slow reacting immune system. Unbelievably slow in fact." She pauses for a moment. "You mentioned briefly being exposed to a virus back on L-2 when you were a child. I did some research on that virus and I think it could have something to do with that."

"But I was immune to it."

"Maybe," she replies, "but I think that could have been responsible for draining your immune system and now your healing reactions are severely retarded."

"I see," I say, shifting slightly, "Well that would explain my shoulder."

"What's wrong with your shoulder?"

"Twisted. It's a long story."

"Is it taking a while to heal?"

"Yeah. It still feels as if I only did it ten minutes ago."

She makes a noise to indicate this news is interesting to her and I allow her to muse for a second before I speak again. "So what exactly does this all mean?"

She breathes hard. "Like I said, I don't want to get your hopes up but…"

"But what?"

"But it may mean your blindness isn't permanent."

I am too stunned to respond so Sally fills the void with her proposed explanation. "Your loss of sight is as a result of a head injury which caused a swelling that is pressing on your optic nerves. In a normal person, the swelling would have gone down by now leading to the conclusion that the damage was permanent. In your case, it may be that your body is still healing, just very, very slowly."

This is a lot of information to process and I can only begin to understand what will mean for me. The good doctor appreciates what will be running through my mind right now and in response she says warningly, "I may be wrong, Duo, which is why I wasn't sure whether to tell you or not."

"No, that's okay," I say vaguely, "I'm glad you told me. Thanks, Sally."

"My pleasure, Duo. I just hope I've been the bringer of good tidings."

"Me too. And Sally?"

"Yes?"

"I'd appreciate if you didn't mention this to the others just yet."

"No problem. Speak to you soon, Duo. And take care."

I hang up the phone and spend several minutes just standing and thinking. I think about Heero and what this means for us. I know Sally said there might be a chance she's wrong but I wouldn't be human if I didn't hope. Despite the voice of reason telling me otherwise, I decide I want to tell Heero now this second. Yeah, my voice of reason has a hard time competing with my impulsivity, which obviously owns a megaphone. To do this though, I need my laptop.

I head for the stairs, my journey interrupted momentarily as I crack my shin on the coffee table, that in my excitement, I'd forgotten all about. A quick rub and curse later and I'm in mine and Heero's room groping around for my laptop, which has lain untouched since the accident. On it, I have installed a programme that lets me link directly with Wing's cockpit. Heero didn't approve because he said I could spy on him (which initially I did for fun) but since he installed an alarm to let him know when I was using it, he hasn't threatened me with death or anything. I turn on the slightly battered machine and boot up Windows 195. This part is easy, especially as I have set everything up to be voice activated.

"Run Wing Link," I say in a clear voice, praying that Heero won't be in the middle of an attack or something. That would seriously piss him off. There is a bleep to say the connection is active and if I had my sight, Heero's face would appear on the monitor but instead I have to content myself with sound only.

I quickly realise that Heero hasn't noticed that I've joined him and am about to announce my presence when he starts to speak to someone. It doesn't take a genius to work out that Heero is mad about something.

"Well you're wrong," he says sharply, "Don't assume you know me so well, Wufei."

So it's Wufei he's angry at. I consider again speaking up as Heero would be annoyed if he thought I was spying on him, but Wufei responds to this statement before I can vocalise some kind of greeting.

"You shouldn't treat him like a child, Heero. He has every right to make a life for himself whatever the circumstance."

Oh God, they're talking about me. I know it.

"I'm not treating him like a child," Heero snaps back, "If anything, that's what you're guilty of, getting his hopes up that he'll be able to fight hand-to-hand without sight."

"Are you jealous, Heero?" Wufei asks, by no means intimidated by the frost in Heero's voice. "Are you worried because someone can do something for him that you can't? Or do you just like the fact that you can keep him locked up at home and away from the war?"

Before Heero can respond, I've closed the link. I don't want to hear any more because quite frankly the damage has been done. I've always said that I thought Heero would be the one who killed me, but I never thought he'd be the one to betray me like this. Anger rises and with it comes hurt. Everything that happened yesterday; our heart-to-heart talk, our intimacy later on, it was all a pretence - a poor imitation of love.

I make a snap decision and grab my phone out of my pocket, dialling the familiar number as fast as my shaking hands will allow.

"Come on, come on," I complain impatiently as I wait for the call to be answered. When it is, the conversation is short but not so sweet.

"Howard? It's Duo. I've made my mind up, I want to rejoin you and the Sweepers. Can you send someone for me because I'm here on my own and need to be gone before the others are back. – pause - It's a long story. – pause - I don't know the location of this safe house but there's a tracker on Deathscythe that's linked to my laptop. You can use that to find me. – pause - Thanks man, you don't know how grateful I am. See you soon."

Maybe a more rational person wouldn't have reacted so impulsively, but being rational is not a trait I will be remembered for when I'm dead. I don't want to be around someone who says one thing to my face and does something else behind my back, especially when that someone is supposed to be my lover, my confidant, my soulmate. So there it is.

I'm leaving.

TBC…