I threw myself into my work. My grades for the five subjects I was taking at NEWT's - Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, Wandless Magic and Defence Against the Dark Arts - all rocketed up to Exceeds Expectations and Outstandings. I ploughed through piles and piles of homework, doing every extra credit question and more background reading, so fast my eyes flew across the pages.
I trained daily for Quidditch, perfecting my diving and throws, soaring across the pitch on my Silver Arrow and mastering numerous Chaser moves that I'd seen or heard of. Hell, I even compiled a list of suggestions for the Graduation Dance and gave them to Lily one breakfast! Her jaw had practically hit the floor as I'd handed the sheets of paper over.
Yes, James Potter had become the perfect Head Boy. McGonagall even told me so! I was smart, organised, liked by students and teachers, and the Gryffindor Quidditch team was blossoming under my captaincy. I also knew that at that point it would've been very, very easy to let my ego get the better of me, if it hadn't been for one tiny little detail. Lily.
The thing that brought her to the front of my mind once more happened one weekend.
Peter was in Hogsmeade visiting his aunt and cousin who were staying at the Three Broomsticks for a couple of nights. I was in the library completing a lengthy thesis on the way in which power is taken from the human mind and channelled using either a wand or just a person's magically 'energy-field'... Anyway, it was kinda complicated, but I knew that it would come up in the NEWT's without fail so I had to learn it and all the confusing words that went with it.
The library was pretty empty. Most people were in Hogsmeade or outside as it was unusually warm for late February. The table I was seated at with piled with enormous leather bound volumes, open at certain pages and tottering in four foot high piles behind which I was wrapping up my essay. One thing I had noticed since returning to Hogwarts was that Madam Pince no longer glared at me every five seconds.
I waved my wand over the parchment and any spelling mistakes were corrected in a second and I dropped several textbooks, my quill, ink and parchment into my bag. With the next wave of my wand the remaining books zoomed back to their shelves nearly hitting the few people in the library on the heads.
I strolled out into the silent corridors, nodding occasionally to various portraits as the called out greetings and comments as I passed. Clunking up the stairs I soon reached the Common Room and found no one there.
That, first off, was strange. Remus and Sirius had said they would be in the Common Room for the day. There was an abandoned game of chess on the floor near the fire and a draft coming from an opened window was blowing the pages of a book, left open on the arm of a chair.
'Oh well,' I thought and began to climb the stairs up to the boys dormitories, pondering whether I'd should do some Quidditch practice before dinner. The idea was appealing. Pausing to look out of one of the thin windows halfway up the stairs I could see that there was no one on the pitch. The grass was dry and the sun was shining and the tops of the trees bordering the Forbidden Forest were swaying gently in a soft breeze. I could almost feel the wind against my hair.
When I reached the door to our dormitory, I found it locked. Nothing abnormal about that, I just muttered the password we'd agreed on and the door swung open into the room.
Silence.
I stopped stock still staring. Just... staring. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped slightly. I blinked once. Twice. It was... impossible. Yet still my mind came to the same conclusion. I felt sick and confused and scared and I rapidly slammed the door shut. I slumped against it, breathing fast in short gasping breaths.
What I had seen, I had not, in a million zillion years expected. It was Remus. And Sirius. And they'd been...
'NO!' screamed my brain and I shook my head vigorously and screwed up my eyes against the mental image. 'DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! DON'T!' But it still penetrated the darkness inside my head.
Sirius and Remus kissing.
I ran a shaking hand through my hair, all thoughts of Quidditch forgotten as the mini film in my head played out.
Door swings open; Moony and Padfoot's arms encircling each other, eyes closed, lips pressed to lips; then sudden breaking off as they stared back at me, the eyes now wide open, surprised; they glanced at one another and I had pulled the door shut with a snap. Then it played again and again and again until I was certain that what I'd seen had to be, it just had to be, the truth. What else could it be?
Turning slowly, I once more pushed the door open. It creaked loudly and Remus and Sirius looked up at me, sitting on separate beds. In the mirror across the room I caught my reflection. My skin was blanched, my mouth was pinched and my pupils were huge - fearful.
"James, look, we can -" Remus stood up and began but I strode over to my bed, depositing my bag and cutting him off in a forced cheery voice.
"I thought I might go flying for a bit, y'know, seeing as how the weather's so nice today -"
"James, please listen!" started Sirius but I rambled on, blocking out both him and Remus, rummaging busily through my trunk.
"- I mean, it's never going to last is it? Gotta make the most of the sun whilst it's there. I'll bet there'll be rain tomorrow and all -"
"James! Let us explain!" Remus tried again,
" - how typical of England. You can never tell with the weather. Did Peter say when he'd be back? Only he said his aunt was feeling rather ill last time he heard from her and it's be nice to know how she's feeling, wouldn't it?" I was nearly out the door and scott free when Moony moved in front of the doorway and Padfoot grabbed my broomstick out of my hand.
"James, sit down." Remus said quietly, fixing his eyes on me.
"I don't want to." No longer pretending, I whispered, looking away from him, and moving my eyes to the floor. I wanted to get out and forget it happened and I wanted Remus and Sirius to do the same.
"Please, James..." Sirius touched my shoulder but I wrenched it out of his grasp and glared at his stricken face.
"I said I don't want to! Leave me alone!"
"Prongs, we can't. We're your friends, we owe you an explanation." Remus said, still barring the door, his voice calm and soothing.
"I don't want an explanation! I don't want anything apart from to go and play Quidditch by myself!" I moved towards the door and flung Moony's arm aside to get out. But he was too quick for me and grabbed the back of my robes, hauling me back into the dormitory and pushing me down onto my bed with a strength I didn't know he had.
"You have to stay." he stated firmly.
"Look... look," I stammered, "I'm not going to say anything to anyone about... ahem... well, y'know. Just... I... I... I'll need a little time to... er, regroup. Okay?" I'd been slowly moving backwards and the back of my knees knocked against a low chair which I fell back into. Remus and Sirius looked at each other and then sat down across from me.
"Can we explain?" Sirius said.
"Do you really have to?" I replied a little too quickly, eyes darting back and forth between the two. My best friends. My best male friends. Male friends.
"Yes, we have to." Remus confirmed. I swallowed, my Adam's apple bobbing uncomfortably in my throat. Sirius started.
"James, you know that you are my best friend and I would never ever do anything to upset you or anything. You do know that, right?" I nodded slightly, my eyes still flicking nervously.
"And, I feel the same about you," added Remus before taking up the reins, as it were, "But, how can I explain this? This between Sirius and I, it's fairly recent and we don't really know what to think about it either and we didn't want to say anything to you. You know, make it more awkward than it actually is."
"How... how..?" I stammered. Once again they glanced at each other. It was beginning to scare me. Did they just read each others mind? Were they suddenly better friends than with me? Sirius shrugged.
"It was one evening, we'd been doing Muggle Studies homework quite late. There was a lot of it about eklericity and those thingy- things that they shove in wall sockets. We were sitting on the couch, just talking and stuff and then it just... happened..." Sirius, to my horror, smiled shyly out of the corner of his mouth at Remus. Sirius never acted mushy like that. But then again, I'd always assumed he went for girls.
"I thought you were straight, Si." I murmured, not quite meaning to say it out loud. Sirius stared at me.
"So?" he replied nonplussed.
"'So?'," I mimicked, "What am I supposed to think? I mean, you and I, we've always been the guys who chased the girls. It was like a second sport when we were younger. You've dated girls and kissed girls and slept with at least one! Remus - yeh okay, no offence - but he's about as straight as a corkscrew! But you? Sirius Black? It didn't get much straighter! There were rulers that were more bent than you! And now... you're just - what? Having a laugh? Is this all some big joke for you? Is it funny to watch me have my best friends taken away from me?"
I was rambling on and on, but I just couldn't comprehend what I'd seen! There hadn't even been the slightest bit of a hint towards their 'relationship'. It didn't make sense. How was it that after seven years of friendship, I hadn't realised possibly the most defining thing about my best friend. Two of my best friends, as even Remus had come as somewhat of a shock.
"This must be kinda confusing for you," stated Remus quietly. He was curled up against a bedstead, his chin on his knees with his golden eyes fixed on me. I nodded and pinched my lips firmly together. "James," he said again and came and sat beside me on my bed. He placed one hand gently on my shoulder, "It is tough. I know. I understand. You don't wanna lose Sirius - "
"Or you," I added.
"Or me," he smiled, a real appreciative smile, "but I promise you won't. We're still your best friends - nothing will ever change that. It's just, I can't pretend that I'm not in love with Sirius anymore."
Once more I stared at him. Stared and stared and stared.
"You guys are in love?" I stuttered, "Seriously? In love?"
"Yeh, sorry 'bout that," muttered Sirius jokingly. His dark skin was tinged a bit pink around his cheekbones, but there was a sparkle in his eyes that weren't usually there. Something I hadn't noticed. Most of the time his black eyes were clouded and sullen yet now I looked, there was a difference. Was that because of Remus?
"You're in love with Moony, right?" I asked and now it was Sirius's turn to stare at me.
"James, I can't describe how I feel about him. Do you have any idea what it's like? I mean, you see 'that person' and your breath catches in your throat and -" This was were I cut him off:
"- And the pit of your stomach disappears and all you can think about is how perfect, how awe-strikingly flawless, that person is because whenever you see them the whole world comes to a standstill?" I questioned, "Like that moment is specially for you to savour your entire life? Yeh, I know what that's like." I finished, nodding.
"Who?" came the unison reply.
"Isn't it obvious?" I flung myself backwards on my bed and thumped my fists against the springy mattress. Problems always came back to her. Not that she caused problems - no way. I guess my life pretty much revolved round her. I would've gone to the ends of the Earth just to have Lily smile at me. If that was how Remus and Sirius felt about each other I wasn't going to stand in their way. And things had worked out for them, right?
"Still hung up on Lily?" Sirius said raising his eyebrows, "Why don't you just take a gamble, ask her out. It's all we did..." he turned his eyes to look sickeningly soppily into Remus's.
"Is it really that simple?"
"Yep..." murmured Remus, leaning slightly towards Padfoot. I thought I saw their eyes flick hungrily to each others lips and realised I'd had enough.
"OKAY! There's only so much I can take! But if you guys are going all drooly and mushy with each other then I'm just gonna have to leave!" I stood up and mock-stormed towards the door, grabbing my Silver Arrow.
"Bye Jamesie! Good luck!" Came the muted call after my retreating figure.
***
I galloped down the steps to the Great Hall two at a time.
It was lunchtime and I was a very hungry teenage boy - not the calmest thing in the world, I know - plus I'd been flying and mulling things over in my head whilst high above the castle towers and spires. Everything from my, apparently gay, best friends who were salivating over each other and my 'current love interest' as Pete always put it. He was so formal that guy...
Diving into the near empty Great Hall, I flung myself down on a bench at the Gryffindor table. Directly in front of me was a large steaming bowl of mashed potatoes. Leaning across I started heaving spoons of it onto the plate before me, before thinking better and just grabbing the whole dish, pouring a load of gravy over it and then eating straight out of it.
I sighed inwardly as I ate. Mashed potatoes was the best comfort food in the world, and the Hogwarts kitchen elves made it best.
"Hungry?" came a laughing voice at my elbow and I whirled around, my cheeks bulging with creamy potato and meaty gravy. Obviously it was Lily, and I had to run through the possible courses of action: whether to gulp the food in my mouth down and say a quick 'hi' or try to speak round the mouthful so as to not seem rude. Before I could actually decide she chuckled and slid onto the seat next to me.
"The potion's nearly ready," she said. My eyes widened and I finally forced down my food, "I think we should get the Transfiguration bit done first - y'know that transmigration thing? Cos the potion still needs to brew for a couple of nights.
Why didn't you come into Hogsmeade today?" she finished, bounced a crimson red apple in her left hand. Against her white skin it looked like a drop of flaming sunset, warm and vibrant.
And that was the moment, just then, just like that, that it hit me. Sirius was right - I should take a gamble, a risk; not throw in my cards before they'd even been dealt. I looked up at her and caught her glance.
"Lily, do you wanna go out sometime?" I said. The words seemed really loud in my head and they bounced about with a reverberating echo. For one dreadful moment her face didn't move. It showed no emotion whatsoever.
"On a date?" Lily questioned, her face now just appeared confused. I gulped. Suddenly I wondered why I hadn't felt more nervous about doing it and at that I got an odd twisting in my stomach. Why wouldn't she answer.
"Oh James. I'm sorry," she started and my heart sank awkwardly. Maybe she'd gotten a boyfriend. Yes, that was it, who wouldn't want to go out with someone like Lily? Other than my two best friends, obviously... "Can I think about it?" Lily finished.
Thinking about it was good. That wasn't a no. Or a yes, come to that. Was it perhaps a polite no? Oh Jesus...
"Yeah, that's fine. Erm, when did you want to get this transmigration done?" I hurried on. To her credit, Lily did look suitable concerned but it passed quickly.
"Tonight? Head Students Lounge? Meet you at 7?"
"Sounds good to me," I agreed and got up to go. I walked out of the Great Hall as calmly as possible, without looking as though I really, really wanted to get away from my stupidity. However the second I got outside I stomped up the stairs to the Common Room, punching the banisters and cursing under my breath.
A/N Wow! That's all I can really say (well, actually it isn't!) but WOW! I was shocked at the response to my last chapter – thank you all so much, especially to returning reviewers! As I said, the chapters will be coming slower, but I have the next one already started so hopefully out by Saturday! Keep reading!!!
Professional scatterbrain – Thank you very much and you'll find out quite a bit more about Lily in the next chapter!
Hannah7 – Thanks! I was in floods of tears writing about James! Poor baby! Things will get better for him soon, bless!
Tv-fan-06 – Sorry I couldn't put a bit of Lily interaction in! I changed the people around a bit and I really wanted to post it! And here *hands over wrapped box* is your own personal James! He's pocket-sized!
Captain Oblivious – How right James was…! Sorry! I think R/S stuff is so cute! And I even put in your mashed potatoes! Keep reviewing – I love reading them! Yours are so funny!
Wicca Willow – Thank you! A different friend – who read this – told me it was too dark! So it's going to get happier! Thank you again!
CalliopeWithAQuill – Cool name! Now I understand it..! Anyhoo, I'm glad you came back to read my story! Please keep reading it!
Tinkerbellhp07 – No, I don't think I got your last review, blame FF.Net! But thanks for it anyway! I cried too! I love James too much – I can't stand letting him have teenage problems! And I even e-mailed you! Keep reading!!!
Merlana – Ohmigod! Thank you sooooooooo much! I awed at YOUR review!!! Wow, you seriously made my day with that! And I love my characters – they're based on my friends!
PunK-RoK – Wow, thank you! And I fully intend on keeping going (does that make sense?!)! Keep reading!!!
Da90schic – Thanks and here's another chapter!
Goddesgaia – Double thank you as you review Hannah7's story as well (I'm her beta – so much fun!). I'm sorry it's depressing! Bit like real life, as you said, but it's great way to vent!
Angel Street – Thank you very much again! And I'm working my ass off trying to fit everything in! But the problem is I only wanna do this!!!! Keep reading!
Me – I use this story as my reality check too. No problem for writing it and please keep reading, it'll get better for James. Just like life always does!
Polkat –
Ok Kt, this is gonna take a while…! Firstly, I'm sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Here is a bit of fluff for you! I couldn't just skip a bit of the story to fit in Remus and Sirius coming out! But here is the fluff – not very good, but there you go. It's hard to do R/S fluff as it's James POV, so unless he gets in with 'em… Noooooooooo!!!!!!! So your demand is partially met. Happy? Happier? Good.
And he only tried to kill himself once and his sister had just been murdered! He's got problems! And as I said early to other peeps, it will get nicer. He's over the first and possibly the second hurdle. He's doing well!
And thanks! I like my story too! And I like your R/S fluff bits. Cos I do actually read them, y'know! And I can so use GCSE's! Do you realise how much work I'm being given?!?!?!?! Well probably, but it's a lot and too much for me! I'm only little! And your dad was kind enough to tell the class we're all predicted A* or A in Maths (like hell that's gonna happen…) So I can use it. You can use A levels! Thank you again! I should've just e-mailed you or caught you at school, shouldn't I?