I had, and probably still do have, the problem of getting overly attached to people. I'll find one person who interests me and seems interested in me, and I'll cling to them. Like a leech. For a while things run smoothly. My obsession and I get on fantastically and the world appears light and airy and then... BAM! It just stops. Just like that.
I can't tell you the number of friends and girlfriends, in particular, I've lost due to this flaw - as that is what it is, a flaw. Sirius thinks it's because I didn't have a proper mother. That's wrong though. Augusta was a great mother to me and did everything she could to try and make me happy. Yet it never really worked. In my heart I always believed that your own children, their own children, were more special. What did it matter if Augusta and my father brought me up, taught me how to write and read? It didn't. They could never fill the void.
But anyway, this is where the problem is, see? Lily. Suddenley there was this angel... this vision of perfection... kissing me. Weird. Guys like me just don't get girls like her - it didn't happen. I was no handsome prince who with one touch could make her a goddess!
So what did I do? What do you think I did? I panicked. Half my brain was jigging for joy whilst the other half was freaking out and running dizzying circles round and round. 'WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!' the Inner Me shrieked.
Crazy, right?
Well, that's me. Crazy James Potter who hears voices in his head.
It took me a while to realise through my meandering thoughts, that I was still kissing Lily. I was still knelt in the doorway, my hand still on the back of her no-longer goosepimpled neck, her books still scattered across the floor and I was STILL panicking.
Slowly, I pulled back already to say something suave and seductive, but then... But then she opened her eyes.
'SAY SOMETHING!' Inner James yelled. 'IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT!'
I was caught like a damned deer in some headlights. My brain switched off and my mouth seemed incapable of speeh. She was beautiful. Her eyes. I could've drowned in those eyes a thousand times and then a thousand times more and never tired of it.
'SAY SOMETHING!!!' my mind screamed once more.
"I... I..." I mumbled, "I..." I stared around desperately for something even slightly normal to say - anything!
"What?" urged Lily.
"I think you're gorgeous."
The second it left my lips, my hand flew up and slapped my mouth shut. Stupid, stupid, stupid thing to say. Really stupid! For a split second I stared stunned at her as I swore vehemently inside my mind over and over again. "I mean... You... I... We... we should really pick these books up."
I practically hurled myself at the books, snatching up the leather bound volumes from the floor and not quite daring to look at Lily. My Lily. I gathered the books haphazardly in both my arms and half shoved them into her hands.
"Well," I started, whipping my glasses off the floor beside Lily and nervously polishing them on my robe sleeve, "well, I guess I'll see you round. Bye." And then I ran. I think she called after me and in retrospect perhaps it wasn't the best thing to have done.
But I was TERRIFIED.
"You actually said that?
"Yep."
"You said 'I think you're gorgeous.'?"
"Yep."
"Seriously?"
"Yep."
"Those exact words?"
"Yep."
Sirius studied me critically for a moment, nodding his head understandingly. Then he burst out laughing. I flung myself back onto my bed as his howls of mirth simply washed over me.
"Dude, you screwed up."
"I realised that, Sirius. Thank you so much for pointing it out." I said the words from behind clenched teeth.
"But...laugh... Jamesie... snort... Why?"
"I don't know!"
For a second he looked vaguely serious. "You know if you'd been waiting for the opportune moment to bag Lily Evans, I think that was it."
"I KNOW!" I yelled and hit my fist against the wall in frustration. Okay, in extreme frustration. When I pulled my hand out of the rather new large dent in our dorm wall, the knuckles were grazed and bleeding.
"Now, dear, that wasn't very nice, was it?" sniffed the mirror opposite my bed.
"Oh, get lost, both of you!" I huffed and rolled over onto my bed, my nose pressed into the pillow and my glasses smushed up against my brow. I cradled my now-throbbing hand to my chest and had the flashing memory of the first cut I'd ever made in my skin. The way the two sides of flesh had pulled, almost sank, away from each other and filled with droplets of red, red blood like tears...
I shook myself. The memories cut deeper than any blade could even though I'd stopped. Was trying to stop. "Sirius, what am I going to do?"
"Just be yourself," Sirius exclaimed jumping up and sitting down beside my curled up form.
"I've tried being myself and look where that got me! I always try and be myself and I just get stupid and then go crazy!" I could feel tears nearly springing to my eyes.
"We all go a little mad sometimes, James."
"No. Not like me. You don't go round putting holes in walls!" I whimpered.
"Stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself! It's one girl! One time! One stupid thing! That's all! I mean, do you like this girl, James? Really like her?"
"Well," I muttered, frowning slightly, "Of course I do."
"And do you stop liking her when she does stupid things? Like when she got her hair in her inkwell last Tuesday? Or when she swish-flicked into Peter's stomach in Charms once?" I could see Sirius grinning at the memory
"No." I admitted.
"So what have you got to worry about?! Nothing! Come on, you and Lily were practically made for each other. You two are gonna go out, get married, by a little place in the country for your two-point-four children and Labrador to grow up in and live happily ever after. I promise!"
I threw a pillow at him, knocking him sideways, but he just gave a bark of laughter and dodged it.
"We are NOT going to have two-point-four children!" Trying to hit him again, this time with a large velvet cushion, I added, confused, "A Labrador?"
"Yes. It's a type of dog, James. Remember those? Big furry things that say 'woof'. Ring any bells?" Sirius smirked, seeing he was successfully irritating me. "And you're right. You won't have two-point- four kids. I mean, at least five!"
"You - are - not - helping!" I exclaimed thumping him inbetween each word.
"Well, come on then! Get over your big-insecure-self and ask her out! There's that concert next week down in Hogsmeade. You guys could go to that."
I scrunched up my nose a bit - a habit of mine when something didn't really impress me. Concerts in Hogsmeade weren't exactly thrilling, first- date material. When I said this to Sirius, however, he disagreed. "It'd be perfect, James. You wouldn't have to do much talking and if it's crap then you can laugh about it afterwards," he sniffed distainfully, "Well, I thought it was a good idea..."
"It is! It's just..." I stumbled slightly over the words in my head. I wasn't sure myself what it was to be honest with you. "I'm just scared is all." I finished rather weakly. But it was the truth. How could I not be scared? I mean, most teenager boys don't - although I'm sure some of them do manage to make a girl they adore cry. Then kiss them. At least she wasn't crying whilst I was kissing her... I'm not that much of a loser.
"I think you should walk up to her and say 'Lily, I know I was a bit weird when we did the trans-i-what-sit-thingy,'" I raised an eyebrow here at Sirius' stunning terminology, "'But I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime'. It's not that difficult." he grinned his big dopey grin that reminded me so much of the lovable Padfoot. "C'mon James! I wanna tease you about her afterwards!!!"
"Which obviously is a great incentive for me to do that..." I drawled sarcastically.
"No, no, no - not like that. I just wanna, I dunno, grab your cheek and go 'aaw! Our little James is growing up!' y'know. Nothing drastic. You're surely not going to deny me of that, are you?" he looked at me imploringly with big brown puppy-dog eyes. For a moment I surveyed him suspisciously before sighing exaggeratedly.
"Fine," I muttered, sulkily, as Sirius whooped and hugged me, "Get off!" I tried to sound irritated but it's hard to be fiercesome whilst your best friend is cutting off your oxygen supply. Instead, I smiled to myself ignoring Sirius' redition of 'James and Lily sitting in a tree...'. I was going to ask her out, properly this time.
I strode down to the boys staircase to the Common Room. Barely anyone was there as most people had opted to either revise in the library or run around outside.
Glancing round I spotted Lily immediately. She was sat by the fire side, wearing her glasses again and pouring over what I recognised to be our Potions homework. Once again I was struck by how beautiful she was and I wondered for a second, why no one else seemed to have seen it.
Walking over, she looked up and pulled her glasses off, setting them down on her parchment.
"So, Lily..." I started as I sat down in the armchair opposite her, "Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for running off and being a complete idiot earlier, to put it mildly. I really, really am. And you were right, I do cling. A lot. But I was wondering," I averted my gaze as her emerald eyes were fixed on my face, expressionless. "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind me perhaps... erm..."
"Are you asking me out again?" Lily asked bluntly.
"Wh- ? Oh, yes. Yes, I am." I stammered.
"Okay."
"What?"
"Okay. I'll go out with you."
"Really?"
"James," she said gently, leaning towards me, "Did you think I'd say no?"
"I tried not to consider that one, but yeah, I did kinda..." I shrugged.
She smiled then. Such a pretty, pretty smile. The kind angels have. And she leaned forward, her hand brushing my cheek softly. It made me shiver slightly. Normally I would've thought that it was damn bloody hormones, but, whatever it was, was fine by me. If being a teenager meant feeling that about someone - who cared?
"Well, aren't you sweet?" she murmered. Lily stood up, gathering her parchment and books in her arms and turned to go. She bent to pick up her quill and then kissed me on the cheek, her smooth lips wonderfully sweet against the prickly unshaved skin of my face. "Night, Potter."
I whipped my head round, a hand slapped to my kissed cheek, to watch her go, not noticing Sirius settling down in her vacant seat.
"How the hell does she do that?" I croaked.
"Don't ask me, mate. I'm gay," came Sirius' voice. I turned, still holding my cheek as if it would fall off and just gazed at my friend. I shook my head,
"You don't know what you're missing, Padfoot. You don't know what you're missing..."
A/N:
A slightly shorter chapter than usually - sorry, as always, for the delay, but I have been working on some other things I want to post on FF.Net. If anyone is interested is beta-ing for me then either leave a signed review or your e-mail. I'm currently writing a pre-Hogwarts Lily fic and a Draco/Harry slash. I've asked one of my friends to beta the D/H but I'm kinda nervous about posting it so would like another opinion from someone else just to make sure! Next chapter will be soon I promise, promise, promise! I will not fail you! And if you have any ideas or constructive cristicism or anything I would love to hear! Review!!!
Anawiel -x-
Thank you's:
SaMBraT – I also do not like green eggs and ham..!
Polkat – I resent your comments. And don't start with the whole 'Lucy-this- took-you-ages-blah-blah' cos I saw PoA before you so I'm better than you and there is a definite SR moment! I thought of you and laughed too loudly. And look – James is happy!
pRoNgSMoOnYPaDfOoT - Thank you and sorry it's taken so long!
Six83 - Thank you so much! I so glad your sister likes this! Vielen Dank!
Hannah7 - Thank you v.much and keep the next chapter coming (although I know I'm not one to talk...!)
PunK-RoK - Yup, they must get together and be all troubled together so we can go 'aaawwww'. Thank's as always!
Captain Oblivious - I think orange is a great colour like Sirius! And they're together now - yaaaaaaaay!
child-of-scorpio- Please do not kill me for updating so slowly! Will try to do better!!!!
I can't tell you the number of friends and girlfriends, in particular, I've lost due to this flaw - as that is what it is, a flaw. Sirius thinks it's because I didn't have a proper mother. That's wrong though. Augusta was a great mother to me and did everything she could to try and make me happy. Yet it never really worked. In my heart I always believed that your own children, their own children, were more special. What did it matter if Augusta and my father brought me up, taught me how to write and read? It didn't. They could never fill the void.
But anyway, this is where the problem is, see? Lily. Suddenley there was this angel... this vision of perfection... kissing me. Weird. Guys like me just don't get girls like her - it didn't happen. I was no handsome prince who with one touch could make her a goddess!
So what did I do? What do you think I did? I panicked. Half my brain was jigging for joy whilst the other half was freaking out and running dizzying circles round and round. 'WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!' the Inner Me shrieked.
Crazy, right?
Well, that's me. Crazy James Potter who hears voices in his head.
It took me a while to realise through my meandering thoughts, that I was still kissing Lily. I was still knelt in the doorway, my hand still on the back of her no-longer goosepimpled neck, her books still scattered across the floor and I was STILL panicking.
Slowly, I pulled back already to say something suave and seductive, but then... But then she opened her eyes.
'SAY SOMETHING!' Inner James yelled. 'IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT!'
I was caught like a damned deer in some headlights. My brain switched off and my mouth seemed incapable of speeh. She was beautiful. Her eyes. I could've drowned in those eyes a thousand times and then a thousand times more and never tired of it.
'SAY SOMETHING!!!' my mind screamed once more.
"I... I..." I mumbled, "I..." I stared around desperately for something even slightly normal to say - anything!
"What?" urged Lily.
"I think you're gorgeous."
The second it left my lips, my hand flew up and slapped my mouth shut. Stupid, stupid, stupid thing to say. Really stupid! For a split second I stared stunned at her as I swore vehemently inside my mind over and over again. "I mean... You... I... We... we should really pick these books up."
I practically hurled myself at the books, snatching up the leather bound volumes from the floor and not quite daring to look at Lily. My Lily. I gathered the books haphazardly in both my arms and half shoved them into her hands.
"Well," I started, whipping my glasses off the floor beside Lily and nervously polishing them on my robe sleeve, "well, I guess I'll see you round. Bye." And then I ran. I think she called after me and in retrospect perhaps it wasn't the best thing to have done.
But I was TERRIFIED.
"You actually said that?
"Yep."
"You said 'I think you're gorgeous.'?"
"Yep."
"Seriously?"
"Yep."
"Those exact words?"
"Yep."
Sirius studied me critically for a moment, nodding his head understandingly. Then he burst out laughing. I flung myself back onto my bed as his howls of mirth simply washed over me.
"Dude, you screwed up."
"I realised that, Sirius. Thank you so much for pointing it out." I said the words from behind clenched teeth.
"But...laugh... Jamesie... snort... Why?"
"I don't know!"
For a second he looked vaguely serious. "You know if you'd been waiting for the opportune moment to bag Lily Evans, I think that was it."
"I KNOW!" I yelled and hit my fist against the wall in frustration. Okay, in extreme frustration. When I pulled my hand out of the rather new large dent in our dorm wall, the knuckles were grazed and bleeding.
"Now, dear, that wasn't very nice, was it?" sniffed the mirror opposite my bed.
"Oh, get lost, both of you!" I huffed and rolled over onto my bed, my nose pressed into the pillow and my glasses smushed up against my brow. I cradled my now-throbbing hand to my chest and had the flashing memory of the first cut I'd ever made in my skin. The way the two sides of flesh had pulled, almost sank, away from each other and filled with droplets of red, red blood like tears...
I shook myself. The memories cut deeper than any blade could even though I'd stopped. Was trying to stop. "Sirius, what am I going to do?"
"Just be yourself," Sirius exclaimed jumping up and sitting down beside my curled up form.
"I've tried being myself and look where that got me! I always try and be myself and I just get stupid and then go crazy!" I could feel tears nearly springing to my eyes.
"We all go a little mad sometimes, James."
"No. Not like me. You don't go round putting holes in walls!" I whimpered.
"Stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself! It's one girl! One time! One stupid thing! That's all! I mean, do you like this girl, James? Really like her?"
"Well," I muttered, frowning slightly, "Of course I do."
"And do you stop liking her when she does stupid things? Like when she got her hair in her inkwell last Tuesday? Or when she swish-flicked into Peter's stomach in Charms once?" I could see Sirius grinning at the memory
"No." I admitted.
"So what have you got to worry about?! Nothing! Come on, you and Lily were practically made for each other. You two are gonna go out, get married, by a little place in the country for your two-point-four children and Labrador to grow up in and live happily ever after. I promise!"
I threw a pillow at him, knocking him sideways, but he just gave a bark of laughter and dodged it.
"We are NOT going to have two-point-four children!" Trying to hit him again, this time with a large velvet cushion, I added, confused, "A Labrador?"
"Yes. It's a type of dog, James. Remember those? Big furry things that say 'woof'. Ring any bells?" Sirius smirked, seeing he was successfully irritating me. "And you're right. You won't have two-point- four kids. I mean, at least five!"
"You - are - not - helping!" I exclaimed thumping him inbetween each word.
"Well, come on then! Get over your big-insecure-self and ask her out! There's that concert next week down in Hogsmeade. You guys could go to that."
I scrunched up my nose a bit - a habit of mine when something didn't really impress me. Concerts in Hogsmeade weren't exactly thrilling, first- date material. When I said this to Sirius, however, he disagreed. "It'd be perfect, James. You wouldn't have to do much talking and if it's crap then you can laugh about it afterwards," he sniffed distainfully, "Well, I thought it was a good idea..."
"It is! It's just..." I stumbled slightly over the words in my head. I wasn't sure myself what it was to be honest with you. "I'm just scared is all." I finished rather weakly. But it was the truth. How could I not be scared? I mean, most teenager boys don't - although I'm sure some of them do manage to make a girl they adore cry. Then kiss them. At least she wasn't crying whilst I was kissing her... I'm not that much of a loser.
"I think you should walk up to her and say 'Lily, I know I was a bit weird when we did the trans-i-what-sit-thingy,'" I raised an eyebrow here at Sirius' stunning terminology, "'But I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime'. It's not that difficult." he grinned his big dopey grin that reminded me so much of the lovable Padfoot. "C'mon James! I wanna tease you about her afterwards!!!"
"Which obviously is a great incentive for me to do that..." I drawled sarcastically.
"No, no, no - not like that. I just wanna, I dunno, grab your cheek and go 'aaw! Our little James is growing up!' y'know. Nothing drastic. You're surely not going to deny me of that, are you?" he looked at me imploringly with big brown puppy-dog eyes. For a moment I surveyed him suspisciously before sighing exaggeratedly.
"Fine," I muttered, sulkily, as Sirius whooped and hugged me, "Get off!" I tried to sound irritated but it's hard to be fiercesome whilst your best friend is cutting off your oxygen supply. Instead, I smiled to myself ignoring Sirius' redition of 'James and Lily sitting in a tree...'. I was going to ask her out, properly this time.
I strode down to the boys staircase to the Common Room. Barely anyone was there as most people had opted to either revise in the library or run around outside.
Glancing round I spotted Lily immediately. She was sat by the fire side, wearing her glasses again and pouring over what I recognised to be our Potions homework. Once again I was struck by how beautiful she was and I wondered for a second, why no one else seemed to have seen it.
Walking over, she looked up and pulled her glasses off, setting them down on her parchment.
"So, Lily..." I started as I sat down in the armchair opposite her, "Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for running off and being a complete idiot earlier, to put it mildly. I really, really am. And you were right, I do cling. A lot. But I was wondering," I averted my gaze as her emerald eyes were fixed on my face, expressionless. "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind me perhaps... erm..."
"Are you asking me out again?" Lily asked bluntly.
"Wh- ? Oh, yes. Yes, I am." I stammered.
"Okay."
"What?"
"Okay. I'll go out with you."
"Really?"
"James," she said gently, leaning towards me, "Did you think I'd say no?"
"I tried not to consider that one, but yeah, I did kinda..." I shrugged.
She smiled then. Such a pretty, pretty smile. The kind angels have. And she leaned forward, her hand brushing my cheek softly. It made me shiver slightly. Normally I would've thought that it was damn bloody hormones, but, whatever it was, was fine by me. If being a teenager meant feeling that about someone - who cared?
"Well, aren't you sweet?" she murmered. Lily stood up, gathering her parchment and books in her arms and turned to go. She bent to pick up her quill and then kissed me on the cheek, her smooth lips wonderfully sweet against the prickly unshaved skin of my face. "Night, Potter."
I whipped my head round, a hand slapped to my kissed cheek, to watch her go, not noticing Sirius settling down in her vacant seat.
"How the hell does she do that?" I croaked.
"Don't ask me, mate. I'm gay," came Sirius' voice. I turned, still holding my cheek as if it would fall off and just gazed at my friend. I shook my head,
"You don't know what you're missing, Padfoot. You don't know what you're missing..."
A/N:
A slightly shorter chapter than usually - sorry, as always, for the delay, but I have been working on some other things I want to post on FF.Net. If anyone is interested is beta-ing for me then either leave a signed review or your e-mail. I'm currently writing a pre-Hogwarts Lily fic and a Draco/Harry slash. I've asked one of my friends to beta the D/H but I'm kinda nervous about posting it so would like another opinion from someone else just to make sure! Next chapter will be soon I promise, promise, promise! I will not fail you! And if you have any ideas or constructive cristicism or anything I would love to hear! Review!!!
Anawiel -x-
Thank you's:
SaMBraT – I also do not like green eggs and ham..!
Polkat – I resent your comments. And don't start with the whole 'Lucy-this- took-you-ages-blah-blah' cos I saw PoA before you so I'm better than you and there is a definite SR moment! I thought of you and laughed too loudly. And look – James is happy!
pRoNgSMoOnYPaDfOoT - Thank you and sorry it's taken so long!
Six83 - Thank you so much! I so glad your sister likes this! Vielen Dank!
Hannah7 - Thank you v.much and keep the next chapter coming (although I know I'm not one to talk...!)
PunK-RoK - Yup, they must get together and be all troubled together so we can go 'aaawwww'. Thank's as always!
Captain Oblivious - I think orange is a great colour like Sirius! And they're together now - yaaaaaaaay!
child-of-scorpio- Please do not kill me for updating so slowly! Will try to do better!!!!