We left the gang, in Logan's pent... dwelling, where someone had just knocked... sorry, THUMPED on the door. Who could it be... Is it someone out to get them?
The Voices Within
Part Two
[Someone thumps on the door and everyone turns around]
WHITE: It is Ames White! Here to destroy you and add some sort of plotline to this otherwise bizarre train of events! Unlock the door, fiends!
JONDY: Hell no.
WHITE: Please?
JACEY: uh, no?
LEXIE: Yeah, sorry amigo, no go.
Zack: [walks out of kitchen holding slice of pizza] Who's at the door? [opens door]
EVERYONE: NO!
[White bursts in]WHITE: BAHAHAHA! I have foiled you all! And now I will blow your brains onto Logan Cale's four thousand door carpet!
[White grabs the gun from his holster. It isn't a gun, but a rubber chicken. Zack grabs a metal rod from his jeans pocket...]
JACEY: Well, that's dirty.
LEXIE: I know. I surprised even myself.
[White and Zack duel]
JACEY: This is strangely a turn on.
LEXIE: This is bizarre
SYL: Isn't this supposed to be a musical?
LEXIE: Are you volunteering for a solo?
JACEY: Oh a Syl solo....... Nah.
SYL: Hey!
JACEY: Oh, like you wanted to!
SYL: Good point.
WHITE: "It must be my turn to sing a tune now,
But I'm strangely out of words.
I want to kill you all right now,
But I can't find it in my heart.
I realise this song is lame,
And it won't be the way to my fame,
But the writer is a little sad,
As titanic just sank, her bad."
LEXIE: You didn't sink Titanic, Jacey.
JACEY: Yes I did. I hated Jack Dawson so damn much.
SYL: Huh.
[White and Zack's duel ends]
WHITE: Now that I have damaged Zack's rod beyond repair, I plan to kill you all [cue evil laugh]
JONDY: So, so dirty.
ALEC: I mean, really. Think of the children!
JACEY: [wails] Think of the children! Think of the children.
ALEC: "Where is the love? Tell me where is the love...
People dying, children crying....."
Wait, were we meant to sing original songs?
LEXIE: No. I can't write original songs, so borrowing Top 10 hits is fine. You can continue.
ZACK: Goodie. [strikes pose]
JONDY: Oh god save us.
ZACK: "Standin' in the spotlight workin' up a sweat
Givin' all I got and lovin' what I get
I can't hold back what I feel inside."
KRIT: I've never been so thoroughly scarred in my life.
BLING: Join the club
JACEY: You're wearing a red leather jump suit... how are you not already scarred for life?
BLING: I refuse to comment.
WHITE: Damn it people, I'm trying to kill you all here.
LEXIE: Oh shut up before I put you in a pink tutu too....
WHITE: [cowers in ear.] So, ah, I'll just go sit down.
ALEC: Well.
JONDY: Um.
ZACK: Can I have that threesome now?
JACEY: My ears.... oh god... no........
WHITE: I cannot take anymore! I must destroy you!
[White reaches for his gun and aims at Syl. Krit gasps and dives in front of Syl, effectively removing his hand from... where it had been and tackling Syl to the ground]
WHITE: MY EYES! MY VIRGIN EYES!
ZANE: Max, dude, how is it that all your love interests are virgins?
MAX: My bad luck?
JACEY: Why is everyone a virgin?!
LEXIE: Because apparently, you have to be LEGAL!
JACEY: Ooookay. Moving on...
SYL: To what? We've covered almost everything.
LEXIE: Not incest.
JONDY: Actually...
JACEY: No plotholes!
JONDY: Bite me.
JACEY: As much as I do quite like your firm ass, and nicely shaped chest, I'd rather not bite you..... did I say that outloud?
LEXIE: Yes.
JACEY: Damn it.
JONDY: You like my ass.
JACEY: Moving right on....
ZANE: Are you saying that you like Jondy's ass better than my ass?
JACEY: Does no one understand the concept of 'moving on'?
EVERYONE: No.
JACEY: Right. No Zane, I like your ass a lot. In fact, I prefer your ass to Jondy's... I was simply commenting that she has quite a nice ass...... like when Lexie mentioned that she...
LEXIE: YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD NEVER BRING THAT UP AGAIN. I will deny everything. Or should I bring up the meeting with Dozer...
JACEY: Okay, okay. I'll be good.
ZANE: Dude
BLING: I have to confess something...
MAX: What?
BLING: Normal and I have been live in lovers for the last six months
JACEY: Ewww. Where did that come from?
LEXIE: No idea. Can we bring the bear in now?
JACEY: Please.
JONDY: Um, to eat who?
SYL: Yeah, if this is going to endanger me....
JONDY: "If I have a choice, I'd rather not die.
Please, oh please, don't make me cry!
Don't send in a big grizzly bear,
For that is one of the only things I fear!
I'll beg, on my knees,
Asking you, please, oh please,
I'd rather not die, rather be alive,
I'll do anything, if you just let me survive!"
LEXIE: Puh-lease. If I have you eaten, whose angst worthy adventures would I write about? It was you who gave me a cultlike following...
JACEY: PLEASE don't start on the cultlike following thing. Bragging doesn't look good on you.
LEXIE: Right. Okay. Nah, the bear is going to eat Ames.
WHITE: Excuse me?
ALEC: You heard the ladies, you're going to be bear-chow.
ZACK: Ladies?
ALEC: The Voices.
ZANE: Dude.
ALEC: They're ladies!
KRIT: But they keep talking about Jondy and Syl...
ALEC: Dude, you're naked. I'm pretty much guessing they're girls. Cause no guy is that desperate.
SYL: Hey!
KRIT: Dude!
JACEY: Did he just say that we were guys?
LEXIE: I think he did.
JACEY: OK, see what guys are called Jacey and Lexie? What guys choose to be called Goddesses..... ok, wait, some gay guys...... probably not a good example....... Oh! Oh! Oh! What guy has a chest as nice and shapely as mine?!?
LEXIE: Not many....
ALEC: Lets not question their femininity any more. What's next on the agenda?
KRIT: Ames gets eaten.
LEXIE: Yay!
MAX: Not a fan?
LEXIE: You offering to sleep with him?
MAX: Hell no.
LEXIE: Then Ames is becoming nuriousment for the mammel.
BRIN: Are bears mammels?
KRIT: Apparently.
ZANE: Dude.
ALEC: Totally.
JACEY: Really?
LEXIE: I think so.
JACEY: Huh.
JONDY: Yeah...... well, as they say, who learn something new everyday.....
WHITE: Who's they?
JACEY: Don't change the subject.
WHITE: Why not? I don't want to be eaten by a bear.
LEXIE: And I didn't want you here, yet here you are.
SYL: That was a circular sentence.
JONDY: Bring on the bear.
ZANE: Dude.
ALEC: I'm with Zane. Ames should sing before his gruesome and painful death
JACEY: Zane didn't say that. He said Dude!
ZANE: Dude!
JACEY: See.
ALEC: OK, so I want to see him sing.
LEXIE: Your wish is granted.
JACEY: When did we become genies?
LEXIE: Don't mess with me. I'm armed with um..... a rubber chicken.... A plastic sword... and... wait, DUCT TAPE!
[a flash of light appears, and Ames strikes a pose, with head bowed, and arms spread out. Begins tap dancing – much like River Dance]
WHITE: "Don't eat me!
Dun dun dun!
Don't eat me!
Dun dun dun!
In west California,
Born and raised,
In the lab I spent most of my days.
Stressing out, studying, relaxing not me...
I was shooting some dope outside of school.
When a couples of dudes, who were up to no good,
Started making trouble in my science lab.
I killed one little guy, and my dad got mad,
He said 'You're gonna become a familiar, if I have a say."
JACEY: Well that was a rip off.
LEXIE: I feel violated with such crap. I'm sure the readers wish for their money back.
SYL: I know I do.
ZANE: Dude.
ALEC: I agree. That was not cool.
BLING: Pay attention to me.
MAX: Zack, I will have that threesome with you.
ZACK: Huh?
JONDY: Excuse me.
LEXIE: Whoa.
JACEY: Eww. Whoa.
LEXIE: When did we loose control?
JACEY: I think about the time Max started singing about her Sugar Daddy....
LEXIE: Max sung about her sugar daddy? Can I have a recap?
SYL: God. Can I go home?
LEXIE: Can I have Krit?
JACEY: Why do you get him?
LEXIE: Because I'm um, .....
JACEY: I'm older. I get him
LEXIE: Fine.
AMES: Do I still have to die?
GROUP: YES!
AMES: But I run an orphanage for abandoned puppies. What will they do without me?
MAX: They'll probably be thankful you've stopped feeding them to sharks!
JACEY: Hang on, I wrote that script... I thought they got fed to crocodiles.
MAX: Budget cuts and all. They had to start using sharks.
JACEY: Oh right, right. I needed a new shoe collection.
LEXIE: And I needed a new flame thrower - or lance de flamme as they call them in french!
SYL: Why was the french comment relevant?
LEXIE: Why wasn't it relevant?
WHITE: The bear is sucking my toes. Can someone remove him?
JACEY: I didn't conjure a bear.
[Lexie gives an innocent look]
JACEY: Lexie!
LEXIE: What? The bear hasn't eaten him yet! Conjure is sooo 1999.
JACEY: Oh bite me.
LEXIE: Really?
JACEY: Ew no.
LEXIE: Oh.
JACEY: Sorry chica, I mean, you're my best friend... but I don't feel that way....... You understand right?
LEXIE: I guess....
JACEY: I mean, I know how desirable I am... and I know everyone wants me....
LEXIE: Jacey?
JACEY: Yes?
LEXIE: Shut up.
JACEY: I'll sic the bear on you.
JONDY: You can only sic dog on people... and some hyenas... and like, coyotes.
SYL: Jondy?
JONDY: Yes?
SYL: Shut up.
JONDY: Oh.
JACEY: Are they copying us?
LEXIE: I believe they are.
JACEY: Shall we?
LEXIE: Eat ice cream? Hell yes.
JACEY: Resist the evils of the ice cream Lexie. It will lead to nothing but unhappiness and despair.
LEXIE: Blah. It tastes good, so eat it. I apply that philosophy to all areas of my life - if it feels good, do it. Right Krit?
KRIT: Uhhh... [looks sideways at Syl] Um...if I say no to the Voice, she'll sic a flesh-eating penguin on me. If I say yes to the Voice, Syl will cut off bits of my anatomy I'm fond of... this is a dilemma...
JONDY: You can't sic penguins, only...
ZANE: Dude!
ALEC: I'm with Zane; shut up Jondy.
SYL: You're right, Krit, I will cut things if you say the wrong thing [pulls knife out of pocket]
WHITE: The bear is gnawing on my arm. A little help?
BLING: I wanna be a drag queen!
JACEY: If this was a properly written piece of literature, I'd sigh dramatically, and then point out several things.
1) Krit, Syl will not amputate any thing that Lexie and I find vital to your manly functions, especially if it involves one, or both of us jumping you.
2) Penguins cannot be sic on people, unless they are giant killer penguins.
3) Alec, please stop agreeing with Zane. He has an incredibly limited vocabulary, restricted to 'Whoa', 'Dude!', 'Duuuuude!', 'Dude.' And 'OMG, like SO totally.' Mostly because we find it amusing.
4) Ames, sweetie, Please stop whining.
5) Bling honey, go for it.
LEXIE: Whoa.
JACEY: I take that as a 'Jacey, you are a wonderful, multitasking goddess and I want you to go off and do whatever you want with Krit.' Which I will accept, thank you.
LEXIE: No, that was a 'whoa that's a long sentence'.
KRIT: I'm just happy my manly-ness is staying so manly.
ALEC: Duuude.
ZANE: Duuude.
MAX: Now neither of them can talk.
JONDY: Added bonus of hearing the voices.
ZACK: Does anyone else have the desire to - not only jump Max and Jondy at once - but chew on a rubber band?
AMES: I do. But the bear is now gnawing my ear.
LEXIE: Shh, Ames, or we will force you to sing.
BLING: I need make up and a thong to become a drag queen.
JACEY: I need to eradicate the mental images from my mind. Ew-much.
LEXIE: That bear is sure taking it's sweet time.
JONDY: Zack, I'm having second thoughts about the threesome.
AMES: The bear ATE MY EAR!
JACEY: Whoa.
LEXIE: Whoa, as in Lexie, you rock and I think you and Krit should go and spend eternity doing it in a secluded hotel room?
KRIT: Why does everyone want to jump me?
SYL: Hmph.
JACEY: You're complaining?
KRIT: No! But.... Yes? [looks at Syl]
SYL: Hmph.
AMES: Ow! My ear.... Wait... no... that's the other ear! Make it stop!
JACEY: I feel a song coming on.
AMES: [whimper]
ZACK: [strikes a pose]
"Oh baby, baby,
It's time to let me know,
If it's the stars, or a nuclear glow!
Time for you to tell us all,
Ames, does down below seem kinda small?
I see a bear down there,
Chewing ... down there,
I should stop this song,
It all seems kinda wrong!
What sort of sadistic bitches.. goddesses,
Do this to a man.... Who wears dresses?
Oh baby, baby,
It's time to tell me now,
Should, I go out, AND PLOW?!"
LEXIE: [bursts into laughter and falls off wherever she's sitting] Oh, GOD. I love a guy with a sense of humour. Zack, can I jump you?
ZACK: There's no right answer to that question, is there?
JONDY: No.
KRIT: I hear 'ya man.
[Bear makes sloppy eating noises]
AMES: MY SPLEEN!
JACEY: Please, what do you actually use your spleen for?
SYL: Nothing. It's just there to fill room.
LEXIE: Exactly.
ZANE: Dude.
ALEC: Yeah.
BLING : "At first I was afraid, I was terrified,
kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side.
But then I spent so many nights,
thinking how you did me wrong,
and I grew strong
and I learned how to smoke a bong..."
JACEY: Bling's on drugs?
LEXIE: I'm sorry to everyone for that... that thing that came out of Bling's mouth. Bong was the only thing that I could think of that rhymed with 'wrong'. I am so so sorry. I'll like the songs to Jacey from now on [Lexie facepalms]
JACEY: That would be wise. [disgusted look]
LEXIE: It wasn't that bad! You wrote a song about Krit's manhood!
SYL: I'll agree with her there. I don't feel comfortable with that song.
KRIT: I was flattered.
JONDY: You would be.
MAX: I really want a pitchfork.
AMES: The bear has eaten my face. Or most of it.
ZANE: Dude!
ALEC: Ewww
JACEY: [look of horror] The bear ate his face! Lexie!
LEXIE: What?
JACEY: Lexie!
JONDY: Lexie!
SYL: LEXIE!
EVERYONE: LEXIE!
LEXIE: What!?!?
AMES: My face!
"My face has gone kaplat!
One the good side, I no longer feel so fat...
But I must admit,
This isn't the way I'd imagine it!
In my sleep, I dream,
I wish, I pray... I dream...
And all I can see,
Is a way to set me free!
I march on, bravely into battle,
And with me, I bring my warrior cattle!
We conquer you all,
And it is you who take the fall.
There never was a bear,
No reason for me to fear...
My face has gone kaplat...
Oh shit, my arm just went splat!"
LEXIE: What did I do?
KRIT: It's obvious!
ZANE: Dude!
ALEC: How could you be so shallow?
AMES: Anyone got a match?
JACEY: Wait, what's with the match?
LEXIE: Is that a...... wait, is that... OMG! What is THAT!?
AMES: TNT! MUAHAHAHA!
BLING: He shall incinerate us all! [faints]
SYL: With the amount of alcohol and nail polish on Bling, we'll go up like a petrol soaked rag!
LEXIE: THE HUMANITY!
JACEY: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
ZANE: DUDE!
JACEY: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
LEXIE: Oh god no!
JACEY: oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
ZANE: DUDE! Where's my car?!!?
ALEC: Dude?
LEXIE: Zane said something!
JACEY: Dude!
LEXIE: Other than that.
JACEY: Yeah.
MAX: There should be a silence for Zane's speech. [Everyone bows their heads]
JACEY: [breaks silence] What if someone sang a song instead?
EVERYONE: Yeah... ok.
JACEY: I vote Jondy.
JONDY: I vote Jacey.
LEXIE: Your wish is my command!
JACEY: LEXIE!
"There's times I wish that I could say,
How I truly feel inside.
I'm empty, and I'm bitter,
Sometimes I just wanna hide.
You could say, the world would be a better place,
If I stayed away, from the light of day...
No peace shattered, no empty rooms,
Or broken hearts...
And then I open my eyes,
Take off my disguise,
And see how my life starts."
MAX: That was hardly a group.
ZACK: Group means a large, multiple bunch of people doing something as a mass. That wasn't massive.
BRIN: What we need is a lurid little limerick...
AMES: "There was an old woman from Keating,
Who had a peculiar feeling!
So she lay on her back
and opened her..."
ALEC: THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
AMES: ...And pissed all over the ceiling. There, now you're all entertained. CAN someone REMOVE THE BEAR?!
JACEY: No.
LEXIE: Hell no
ZANE: Dude!
ALEC: Sweet!
JACEY: Pop culture references!
LEXIE: Well tickle me pink!
JACEY: please don't.
AMES: I'd find it entertaining.
LEXIE: No.
ZACK: [takes off shirt] Now that that's been dealt with, I'm off to do ... well, Max and Jondy.
MAX: Yes!
JONDY: No!
ZACK: Please?
ZANE: Dude!
LEXIE: I'll be Jondy's substitute!
JONDY: NO!
LEXIE: YES!
AMES: MY MANHOOD!
JACEY: Put a cork in it, Fluffy. [A large cork appears in Ames's mouth, and a fuzzy bunny costume on him]
BRIN: Nice moves.
JACEY: Why, thank you.
BRIN: My pleasure.
ALEC: Think of the children.... Won't somebody, please, think of the children?
LEXIE: Dude!
JACEY: Dude?
LEXIE: Threesome!
JACEY: No!
LEXIE: Dude?
JACEY: Duuuuude!
LEXIE: Fine.
SYL: Wait, they had a whole conversation with the word 'dude'?
ZANE: Dude!
LEXIE: If Zane can communicate with 'dude', Jacey and I can. Jacey and I are telepathic as well, when we chose to be.
AMES: tewwle-patedic
JACEY: Take the cork out and then talk, Ames.
AMES: Tele-pathetic is more like it.
LEXIE: Bite me.
JACEY: Please don't.
ALEC: Think of the children.
JONDY: Dude!
LEXIE: Totally!
MAX: Absolutely
SYL: Completely
KRIT: What are we agreeing to?
JACEY: A giant orgy
LEXIE: With machines.
BRIN: MTV has a lot to answer for
JACEY: MTV? [bursts out laughing]
LEXIE: Poor, sweet deluded Brin...
JACEY and LEXIE: We own MTV. We govern TV. We are the source of, well, everything in this world.
LEXIE: Well, only MTV, chocolate, socks and man-eating pigs. We lost the man-eating penguins to the Royal Family
JACEY: Bloody royal family.
LEXIE: Completely.
JACEY: Wankers.
LEXIE: Piss heads.
JACEY: Knickers.
LEXIE: Shag.
JACEY: BLIMEY! [giggles] Pop culture.
JONDY: Buffy.
LEXIE: You recognize?
JONDY: Always.
JACEY: Dude!
ZANE: Duuude!
JACEY: Fine. I'll stop stealing your lines.
LEXIE: There's blood on my boots. Can the bear finish Ames now?
AMES: [strangled whimper]
JACEY: Is this cruel and sadistic?
LEXIE: No..... maybe?
JONDY: Possibly.
MAX: Oink!
ALEC: Think of the children!
"Oh won't you please, please think of the little kids,
Make sure you replace your pill bottles with their lids!
Your kids might overdose,
The mess would be quite gross.
Stop with this gruesome stuff,
I've really had quite enough...
I think that perhaps, I should shut up,
Before all that's left of me, fit's into a cup!"
AMES: What children? Everyone here is over 18 years old thus making them legally adults! There are no children!
ZACK: Yet.
JONDY: Great. Zack feels the urge to breed.
LEXIE: Well, that sounds charming.
SYL: I have to agree, it doesn't spark a great mental image
JACEY: How did we get here?
LEXIE: I'm pretty sure we teleported.
AMES: Tele-pathetic. [under his breath]
LEXIE AND JACEY: Shut up!
To be continued... Soon :D