A Test of Faith
Chapter 5
'Serenn…'
"Huh?"
'Serenn…'
"Mom…? Is that you?"
'Serenn…'
"Mother?"
'Serenn…'
"Mom?!"
'Serenn…'
"Serenn?"
"Don't go…"
'Serenn…'
"Serenn! Are you OK?"
'Serenn…'
"What? What do you want from me?"
"Serenn, wake up!"
"Ow…"
Serenn's eyes snapped open as he felt a sharp slap against his cheek. He blinked hard, and looked up – Allyaah's face was looming above him, her hair dangling over him; "By the Force, I thought you'd never wake up…" she sighed, smiling half-heartedly.
Serenn frowned, and rapidly sat up; he'd just gone to lie down on his bunk, within the cruiser, for a bit, but had obviously lapsed into sleep. He shook his head, knocking his black locks of hair back into place; "Was I talking in my sleep?" he asked.
"Was you ever…" Allyaah replied teasingly, giving him a brief rub on the shoulder, "Are you alright?"
He sighed, swinging his legs over the side of the bunk, and placing his head into his hands, "No, not really…" he replied, "I feel sick…"
"That's just your body adjusting to space travel. It affects some people more than others…" she stated surely, "It's the goings on inside your head that I'm concerned about…"
Dooku exhaled loudly, and raised his head a little, staring blandly to the opposite bunk in his room. The three Jedi were aboard the Republic cruiser, and on their way to Colla IV on the Outer Rim. They had no crew, just each other - and that, as far as Dooku was concerned, was adequate; it was one thing having to bear the responsibility of having fellow Jedi accompany you to Colla IV, one of the most treacherous planets for visiting on record, but to also have the responsibilities of a crew to hold in mind was just a little too much...
"Serenn…" Allyaah said with a slight warning, realising that he wasn't planning on responding to her any time soon, "Open up…"
He didn't say anything for a moment, "How far are we to Colla?" he asked.
"We've got several hours yet, but don't change the subject," Allyaah retorted, "You were calling your mother, Serenn... why?"
He made a slow reaction, his eyebrows rising unsurely, "I don't know..." he said hoarsely, "It's just something that plagues me when I'm... 'stressed'... I guess..."
This intrigued Allyaah - Jedi were taken in purposely when young so that they would form no emotional attachments to their family and friends, and would know no fear or anger. How could Serenn be calling his mother if had never had any knowledge of being with her...?
"But..." she stuttered in perplexity, "You never knew your mother... no one in the Order has known their parents..."
"It doesn't mean that I can't remember her..." he replied sternly.
Allyaah frowned, "I don't understand..." she admitted.
"Don't try to..." he scorned, getting to his feet, and walking out of the room.
Jiao sighed - she wasn't sure which was the Padawan when it came to him and Jinn.
* * * *
Dooku stormed to the front of the Cruiser. He entered the cockpit, and looked out of the front viewpoint; the stars were a blur as they charged through hyperspace - but it was still a long way to Colla... the journey would take some time.
He sat down into the co-pilot's seat, exhaling slowly, and staring into nothingness; he thought about his dream, the one he'd just had; the one he'd had many times before.
~~
"Serenn!"
His mother wails as a man pulls him into his arms, clutching him about the waist.
"Mom!"
He struggles, seeing his mother before him, unable to reach her.
"Please, don't... don't take him from me..."
A man holds her back, trying to comfort her.
"Mom!!"
He cries out loud, trying to touch her for one last time.
"Please don't!"
The man holding her looks at him regretfully and with hurt, but tries to remain strong.
"Serenn!" she cries one last time.
And then his mother fades, crumpling into his father's arms, helplessly watching him being taken away...
~~
Serenn gulped, his eyes refocusing onto his surroundings. He looked up, noticing that Allyaah was now stood next to him, a hand about the top of his seat. She looked at him piteously, and slowly took a place in the pilot's seat; just because he was a distinguished and adept Jedi didn't mean that he didn't have moments of weakness or vulnerability.
He looked down, his hands in his lap, "I remember..." he said, "I remember it so clearly… yet it is my only memory of such long past days, days when I was so young..."
Allyaah listened carefully - he'd had his spat of anger, and he seemed ready to reflect now.
He took a deep breath, twiddling with his thumbs, "I see my mother..." he said. He paused for a moment, looking blankly ahead, then went on, "It begins in the midst of the chaos, and the first thing I know is that I'm being torn from my mother's arms... I see her distraught face, and her tear-swollen eyes... and then I feel myself begin to break..."
He halted; Allyaah was wondering why he hadn't mentioned this type of thing to her, or anyone else he was close to, before.
"I know I must have been very young..." he continued pensively, "Unable to comprehend what is going on until I see my mother in distress... then it hits me, and I can do nothing..."
He began to fiddle with the buckle on his belt next, and shuffled his feet about on the cockpit floor. Jiao looked down - it wasn't a pleasant memory to have of your parents, if you were to have any at all...
"I know what it is I remember... it was the day I was taken, the day my parents were 'obliged' to give me up to the Jedi Order," Dooku stated. He looked hard at Allyaah, his eyes intense, "I had a high Midichlorian count, and that was all that mattered - it was of no concern to them if my parents didn't want me to go, no concern if they happened to want to raise me themselves..."
"All our parents have to go through it, Serenn..." Jiao whispered to him, "There'd be no Jedi Order if our parents didn't co-operate with the Republican laws..."
He nodded slowly, looking downwards again, "I know, Allyaah... I just wish I couldn't remember the pain that my taking by the Jedi caused my mother..." he replied, "And my father too, I expect."
He steadily managed a weak grin; "If my short memoir is anything to go by, then my father was as stiff as me as far as expressing his 'inner feelings' went..."
Allyaah made a slight laugh, "I wondered if you'd inherited that trait..."
Serenn's smirk dropped, "He just stood there, holding my mother back… just letting me go… leaving me to a bunch of strangers who would train me to be a Jedi…"
Jiao smiled reassuringly toward him, "I know the issue is a difficult one, Serenn… but it's a necessity that we're given this lease of life if we have the ability for it. There are diminishing Jedi numbers, so children born with the gift of the Force have no choice but to become one of us… the Jedi Order becomes our family thereafter," she vindicated.
Dooku raised an eyebrow, "I'm not judging the Jedi regimes, Allyaah, and I realise what you say to be true… it just hurts that this memory won't leave me. It just seems to want to haunt me – just keeps popping up with 'Hey, Serenn, remember this?'…"
There was another short pause. The 'whir' and bleeps of the cruiser consoles droned in the silence.
Allyaah broke the peace, "Why haven't you talked about it before?" she asked him hushly.
He shrugged slowly, "I just haven't…" he admitted, "It hasn't really been a problem… it just decides to give me a reminder of my past every now and then…"
"I can't understand how you can remember from so far back…" she added in a little wonder, "How old were you when they took you in?"
He thought back, looking up at the ceiling, "I don't know…" he muttered, "Three at most…"
"And you're what now?" she continued.
"I'm not sure, to be honest…" he smiled matter-of-factly, "One kind of loses track…once you're past your teens, you just forget…"
"Come on, Serenn… you must have some idea…" she asked incredulously, giving him a friendly push to the shoulder.
He threw her a half-hearted grin, "Okay, I guess I must be around… thirty-nine, or something…" he surmised.
"So you were taken in some thirty-six years ago" she affirmed, "Yet you still remember that little event…"
"It's nothing to be concerned about, Allyaah" he said dismissively, folding his arms, "Bad dreams happen…"
"Jedi don't have nightmares…" Allyaah said softly, "That's what concerns me, Serenn… last time I checked, there weren't any Jedi who were exceptions from that rule…"
He focused on her hard, giving her a serious stare.
"Dreams pass in time…" he retorted in a downcast manner, keeping his eyes on her.
"In thirty-six years?" she asked dubiously, "That's thirty-six years too long…I think you have some inner demons needing ousting…"
"I haven't had it constantly for thirty-six years, or what-not" he explained seriously, getting tired of what he considered a negligible matter, "It never affected me as a child… I didn't even recollect it, until one day when it decided to reappear in my awareness and remind me…"
She looked at him earnestly, "Then you have to think about why it reappeared, don't you? And why it's haunting you now…"
He leant back into his seat, giving her an inauspicious look, "It's just a bad memory…my only memory as an infant. And it doesn't want me to forget what's transpired in order for my to have become what I am today…" he avowed harshly, "It wants me to know that people have suffered when I was taken. And I assume that, because people have suffered, it doesn't want me to fail…"
"And you're anxious about failing?" she queried, pushing his point further.
He hesitated, "Everyone's afraid of something…" he stated, "Even those who should know no fear…"
Allyaah frowned – a typically convoluted answer from a typically convoluted man; "Is that a yes or a no?" she asked him straight.
"Yes, I fear the outcome of this mission. Yes, I fear that Syfo-Dias may push me too far one day. Yes, I fear that I ruined my parents' lives by being taken from them… I fear many things, just as I don't fear many things," he went on explicitly, "But if it is the way of the Force to twist one's life, and make your own and others' lives a misery, then so be it. If it is the way of the Force to ensure your eventual downfall by some means, then so be it…"
"I don't understand where you're going with these things, Serenn…" Allyaah admitted.
"Neither do I…" he admitted delicately, "Neither do I…"
To be continued…