Journal of Rupert Giles, second Watcher to Buffy Summers.
5 November 1998
Buffy has been back for nearly six weeks. The changes in her from the girl I remember before are uncanny. She is quiet, very quiet. There is a preternatural stillness about her. She is deadly serious, especially in training sessions. She spends little time with her friends Willow and Xander, but they seem to accept that without much complaint. She no longer laughs at "in" jokes, or if she does, it rings false, at least to me. I suspect she cannot remember enough of the two of them to recognize the jokes at all. The expression I see in her eyes when she thinks no one is looking is so terribly sad that my heart breaks for her.
I worry about her. She is weak. She is still stronger than human, but nowhere near slayer strength. She eats nothing and drinks very little. She sleeps on the office couch every lunch break and study hall. Her sleep comes almost immediately and at times she is so still I find myself hovering over her to see if she is still breathing. She has an economy of movement she never demonstrated before. It is as if every motion costs her dearly. I found a stash of brown paper lunch bags under my office couch that I could not explain. Then I caught her in a nightmare one study hall. She woke from it, vomited profusely into one of the bags and fled the library, the bag hidden under her jacket.
I half wonder if she is pregnant. She has had no cycle since she returned, but she is so thin and it is normal for slayers to go long periods without menstruating. So it seems pointless speculation. She disappears every weekend, two nights, presumably to her friends in L.A. She says she works her job at a bar there. In a few conversations I have had with Joyce, she indicated that the weekends were part of Buffy's negotiations to return home. She lives at Revello Drive from Monday to Friday, and disappears to god only knows where for the duration of the weekend. I suspect she has a lover, for she returns from her weekends somewhat refreshed and relaxed. My suspicion is that it is Lorne; when she talks to him on her phone, she always ends with an "I love you" at the end. Buffy always speaks to Lorne in French. I don't know why, except that for some reason her relationship with him seems so private, so terribly intimate, that she does not want to share. He certainly can speak English perfectly well. I eavesdropped on a few of their conversations when she was in my home, rude of me, I know. He sings to her, lullabies in French, Gaelic, English, you name it. One time I heard him singing Lady Marmalade to her. He has an unbelievably beautiful voice.
She has one other gentleman who calls. I've never caught his name because they always speak in some language I do not recognize. They seem to have a rather rocky relationship since their calls often end with Buffy shouting what I can only guess is demon profanity at him and hanging up. But other times she speaks to him in long quiet conversations as if he is the only thing keeping her alive and sane. I've never seen the man in question, she doesn't mention him to any of us – I've asked Willow and Xander.
She has said nothing of her last battle with Angelus, nothing of what transpired over the summer. I am afraid to ask, afraid the dam will break and I will have to deal with the flood of emotions that roil behind those lovely hazel eyes. I'm afraid I'm terrible at dealing with strong emotions, especially from a woman. My slayer is breaking, from the inside out, and her lifeline is not her watcher. I envy these two men who seem to have a piece of her that I cannot reach, but I'm unwilling to make the first move. I am unsure how much she remembers of me, truly. I do not think she's lying about the amnesia, because so many of her actions betray the memory loss. I can only hope that she will eventually choose to confide in me.
5 November 1998
Buffy has been back for nearly six weeks. The changes in her from the girl I remember before are uncanny. She is quiet, very quiet. There is a preternatural stillness about her. She is deadly serious, especially in training sessions. She spends little time with her friends Willow and Xander, but they seem to accept that without much complaint. She no longer laughs at "in" jokes, or if she does, it rings false, at least to me. I suspect she cannot remember enough of the two of them to recognize the jokes at all. The expression I see in her eyes when she thinks no one is looking is so terribly sad that my heart breaks for her.
I worry about her. She is weak. She is still stronger than human, but nowhere near slayer strength. She eats nothing and drinks very little. She sleeps on the office couch every lunch break and study hall. Her sleep comes almost immediately and at times she is so still I find myself hovering over her to see if she is still breathing. She has an economy of movement she never demonstrated before. It is as if every motion costs her dearly. I found a stash of brown paper lunch bags under my office couch that I could not explain. Then I caught her in a nightmare one study hall. She woke from it, vomited profusely into one of the bags and fled the library, the bag hidden under her jacket.
I half wonder if she is pregnant. She has had no cycle since she returned, but she is so thin and it is normal for slayers to go long periods without menstruating. So it seems pointless speculation. She disappears every weekend, two nights, presumably to her friends in L.A. She says she works her job at a bar there. In a few conversations I have had with Joyce, she indicated that the weekends were part of Buffy's negotiations to return home. She lives at Revello Drive from Monday to Friday, and disappears to god only knows where for the duration of the weekend. I suspect she has a lover, for she returns from her weekends somewhat refreshed and relaxed. My suspicion is that it is Lorne; when she talks to him on her phone, she always ends with an "I love you" at the end. Buffy always speaks to Lorne in French. I don't know why, except that for some reason her relationship with him seems so private, so terribly intimate, that she does not want to share. He certainly can speak English perfectly well. I eavesdropped on a few of their conversations when she was in my home, rude of me, I know. He sings to her, lullabies in French, Gaelic, English, you name it. One time I heard him singing Lady Marmalade to her. He has an unbelievably beautiful voice.
She has one other gentleman who calls. I've never caught his name because they always speak in some language I do not recognize. They seem to have a rather rocky relationship since their calls often end with Buffy shouting what I can only guess is demon profanity at him and hanging up. But other times she speaks to him in long quiet conversations as if he is the only thing keeping her alive and sane. I've never seen the man in question, she doesn't mention him to any of us – I've asked Willow and Xander.
She has said nothing of her last battle with Angelus, nothing of what transpired over the summer. I am afraid to ask, afraid the dam will break and I will have to deal with the flood of emotions that roil behind those lovely hazel eyes. I'm afraid I'm terrible at dealing with strong emotions, especially from a woman. My slayer is breaking, from the inside out, and her lifeline is not her watcher. I envy these two men who seem to have a piece of her that I cannot reach, but I'm unwilling to make the first move. I am unsure how much she remembers of me, truly. I do not think she's lying about the amnesia, because so many of her actions betray the memory loss. I can only hope that she will eventually choose to confide in me.