Chapter 10 - Answers

It took Cassius almost two years and the death of his father to get the courage to go to Hogwarts to research about his mother.  He sat in the library staring at the records book that told him her full name. Emma Alice Maguire.  He got up and walked over to Madam Pince.

"Do you remember anything about Emma Maguire?" He asked, feeling relieved when his voice came out calm.

"She was an excellent student – Ravenclaw, of course. She was a seeker on the house Quidditch team and Head Girl. She was wonderful witch, one of my favorites." Madam Pince smiled, then looked sad. "I lost touch with Emma after she graduated…then…her body was found almost five years later…here on the grounds of Hogwarts."

"What happened?"

"No one knows for sure, but it seems like she drowned - intentionally, there were stones in the pockets of her robes. And her wand was broken, left on the shore of the lake." The librarian's eyes filled with tears.

"I'm her son." The words jumped out of his mouth before he could stop them. Cassius' voice sounded hoarse to his own ears. Madam Pince was the first person outside of his family to hear the truth about his mother. She gasped and then looked at him for a long moment. She nodded suddenly.

"Then I have something for you. She gave it to me…a few days before they found her body." Madam Pince turned quickly and went to her desk, opening a drawer.

~~

"Here." Cassius put a photograph on the kitchen table in front of Remus and sat down next to him.

"Who is this?" Remus picked up the photo, looking at the young girl waving at him.

"My mother." Cassius answered coolly. "It was in the records room at Hogwarts, it was taken during her seventh year."

"She's beautiful." Remus looked closer at the girl in Ravenclaw Quidditch robes. She had wavy hair that just touched her shoulders, it was the color of warm honey. There was a sprinkling of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Her green eyes twinkled with merriment. It was a friendly face, full of life and beauty.

"Do you think I look like her?" Cassius was staring down at his hands. Remus looked at the picture for a long time then over at Cassius who was now chewing on his fingers.

"I think you do."

"Just the eyes, though?" Cassius started chewing harder.

"Not just the eyes…your jaw is a bit like hers." Remus looked down at the picture again. "And your smile, your smiles are similar."

"Mm."

"Cassius, stop. You're making yourself bleed." Remus reached out to tug on Cassius' arm pulling Cassius' hand loose. He gently took hold of Cassius' hand. The fingertips were bleeding where Cassius' sharp teeth had torn at them.

"Madam Pince had a letter for me." Cassius started to lift his other hand to his mouth but stopped when Remus coughed deliberately.

"Really?  Did you forget to return a book?" Remus smiled slightly, pulled Cassius' wand out of his pocket and did a quick healing spell on Cassius' hand.

"No – it's from my mother. She left it for me, she said if her son came looking for information, the letter was to be given to him."

Remus was amazed that Emma left behind a suicide note for her son.

"What does the letter say?"

"I don't know." Cassius answered flatly.  "I haven't opened it."

"Why not?"

"I….I….what do you think she'll say in it?" Cassius looked at Remus for the first time since he'd come home. His eyes were full of tears. Remus felt a sharp pain – he hoped Emma could not hurt Cassius from the grave. What could be contained in the letter? He hoped something good – something she had wanted to hide from Julius Malfoy.

"I don't know. Why don't you read it and find out?" Remus said gently.

"Could you read it first?" Cassius pulled the envelope from his jacket pocket and held it towards Remus. Remus took the envelope and held it. He took a deep breath.

"We'll read it together. Hang your coat up, I'll get some tea." Remus put the letter down on the table and got up to put the kettle on. Cassius pulled off his coat and walked into the mudroom to hang it up. As he walked back into the kitchen, he pulled off his sweater revealing a white t-shirt underneath. Remus poured the hot water into the tea kettle, put it and some cups on a tray along with some scones and walked into the sitting room. Cassius followed behind him holding the letter in his hand like it was delicate glass. Remus set the tray on the table next to his chair.

"Sit." Remus gestured to the chair. Cassius sat and Remus settled on his lap. He took Cassius' face in his hands. "Look at me - I love you. You are a wonderful man, a fantastic auror, a great friend, and the best husband anyone could have. Nothing in this letter will change that. You understand me?"

Cassius nodded silently.

"You read it, please." Cassius thrust the envelope towards Remus. Remus opened the old envelope gingerly and slid the letter out. Cassius buried his head in Remus' neck. Remus took a deep breath and started reading aloud:

My dearest darling Cassius,

Remus felt Cassius' body tense and his arms tightened so that Remus could hardly breathe.

If you have found this letter it means I am dead. I am leaving tonight to find a safe place for us, then I will come back to get you. But if you are reading this – I never came back. I don't know what your father will have told you about me… Please never think that I didn't love you, for I did. I felt love for you the moment I felt you move in my body. The first moment I held you was the happiest of my life. I love your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your voice, I love everything about you. You are the reason I have struggled to overcome the Imperious curse, you are my only reason for fighting, for living.

I am sorry this letter is not longer – I have so many things I want to tell you in case I fail -  but my time is growing short. I must leave now, while your father is away.

I don't know what kind of life you have had, but I hope that you have found love. I hope you found someone who knows your true worth. You deserve nothing less.

I am enclosing a picture of us on your third birthday, just a few weeks ago. Lucius took the picture.

I love you so much, my precious son, I pray I will see you soon.

Mummy

Remus finished reading the letter in a whisper, feeling a lump in his throat. He pulled the photo out of the envelope. There was three year old Cassius, his hair in wild silver blond curls, sitting on his mother's lap, smiling. Emma was holding one of his hands in hers, waving it at the camera. She would kiss the top of his head, then his cheek. The little boy would laugh. His other fist was twined in his mother's shiny, waist length, brown hair.  Their matching green eyes were shining with love. Cassius' hand came up slowly and took the picture from Remus.

"She loved me." Cassius sounded astonished and bewildered as he looked at the picture.

"And she was going to come back for you. She didn't kill herself." Remus felt such relief at the revelation he almost was dizzy.

"He must have found her…"

"He must have." Remus felt a familiar anger at Julius Malfoy, he was glad the dark wizard was dead. "And he lied to you…it wasn't because she hated you. She tried to escape and she wanted to take you with her."

"She loved me." A smile lit up Cassius' face. Remus smiled back, he could feel some of Cassius' sadness leave him.

"She did love you, very much." Remus put his arms around his mate.

"Thank you for reading it."

"You're welcome."

"I did find love, didn't I?" Cassius looked into Remus' amber eyes.

"Yes, you did. I love you very much." Remus leaned closer and rubbed his nose against Cassius' before kissing him.