Author's note: Yes, spurred by a review – here's another chapter! :-)

AffectedMango0 said she thought Remus' reaction to Sirius' escape was ooc…so I'm trying to explain myself a bit. Here goes: Remus does care immensely that Sirius has escaped, he thinks Sirius betrayed James and Lily and killed Peter so he is worried Sirius will come after him and worried that Sirius is going after Harry. But…in my story, Remus has never really talked to Cassius about his relationship with Sirius because he knows Sirius and Cassius hated each other and Remus thinks Sirius is a murderer. Since Sirius was imprisoned the whole of their relationship, Remus and Cassius have never had to face the issue of Sirius. And Remus doesn't like confrontations so he doesn't push the issue. This is one of the areas Remus doesn't know too much about Cassius and his feelings because it's easier to not have the confrontation. So…that's where Stevens and Cassius' relationship is more honest and open – because Stevens isn't afraid of confrontations AND he knows some things Remus doesn't (foreshadowing!!). I didn't want to make it seem like Remus totally didn't know Cassius after so long together, just in this one aspect…so…hope that makes sense. :-)

This chapter might have Remus and Cassius being a little ooc but…I am hoping it kind of explains itself in the chapters to come. :-)

Ch 18 - Nightmares

"Remus – I don't want you to go to Hogwarts." Cassius had just arrived home from work after a 12 hour shift. Remus set his dinner on the table in front of him, it had been kept warm for over an hour.

"What?" Remus quickly sat down opposite of Cassius. He hadn't thought Cassius would try to keep him home. He needed to be at Hogwarts, not only because he had always wanted to be a professor there since he was very young but because he was the only one alive who knew that Sirius was an animagus.

"Black hasn't been sighted since his escape and the guards heard him say 'He's at Hogwarts.'" Cassius rubbed his forehead, the long days were taking their toll on him. The entire Auror Department as well as the Hit Wizards had been on full alert since Black's escape and working long hours to try to find Black. Fudge had even alerted the muggle Prime Minister soon after the escape.

"He had to have been talking about Harry – I'm not there!" Remus felt himself start to get angry. His temper was on a short fuse lately, the stress of worrying about Sirius on the loose and whether Cassius would get hurt was taking its toll. And it'd been over three weeks since they'd had sex, he was starting to feel the effects of the separation illness.

"Well – maybe he had a premonition." Cassius snapped irritably.

"That's impossible – Sirius didn't have second sight." Remus waved his hand dismissively.

"Is it? Everyone thought it was impossible that he could escape – maybe he just never told you." Cassius' scornful tone sent a sharp pain through Remus' heart.

"He told me everything! He was my best friend!" Remus shouted furiously.

"Oh?? Then how did you not know he was the traitor?" Cassius yelled back, his eyes black with anger.

"I…." Remus suddenly felt tears fill his eyes. Sirius hadn't told him everything – Sirius had been working for Voldemort, and he betrayed James and Lily to their death and killed Peter. Remus had loved him and then Sirius had shown his true nature…Remus had been betrayed too.

"Remus, I…" Cassius reached for Remus' hand, Remus drew it away before Cassius could touch it. He knew he would break down if Cassius touched him now with such concern and apology in his green eyes. He needed to convince Cassius that he should be at Hogwarts, he couldn't start crying now.

"I can help protect Harry." Remus whispered hoarsely, watching Cassius' hand clench into a fist. "And Hogwarts will be the safest place for me to be - "

"Here is the safest place." Cassius ground out the words angrily.

"Other than here, I meant…Hogwarts will be the next safest place."

"Remus!" Cassius slammed his fist on the table. "By Merlin, you cannot go!"

"Please! Husband…" Remus reached out for Cassius' hand and held on to it tightly. "If he is after Harry, I want to be there to help protect Harry. I need to be there. I have to be there. James and Lily can't – I…" Remus felt the lump grow in his throat. Cassius started to chew on his fingers. They sat in silence for a long moment. Remus swallowed hard. "All the spells on Hogwarts will keep him out. And with the Dementors there too, there will be no way for Sirius to get in." Remus suddenly felt very guilty at the lie. He knew there was a way – and he needed to be there to protect Harry from Sirius. He couldn't let anyone know that he had been the reason that three young wizards had become unregistered animagi. He could only imagine Dumbledore's disappointment. The thoughts swirled through his head – he needed to be at Hogwarts, he had to be there.

"Do you really want to go so badly?" Cassius gazed at their hands, Remus was gripping Cassius' hand so tightly his knuckles were white.

"Yes." Remus whispered. Cassius sighed and placed his other hand on top of their clasped hands. Remus noticed the fingers were bleeding slightly and he felt another sharp pang of guilt.

"Oh, Remus." Cassius whispered.

"I'll be all right." Remus tried to sound as certain as he could. Cassius bowed his head, Remus knew he had given in, in spite of his fears.

Cassius lifted his hand off of Remus' and began to eat. Remus eased his hold on Cassius' other hand and stroked his thumb over the top of it. He grasped it loosely enough so that Cassius could take his hand away at anytime. It was his wand hand. It was silent while Cassius ate. Remus couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't bring up Sirius again. Although he was mentioned rarely, Sirius had always been a touchy subject with Cassius because of their family history together – Sirius had hated everyone in his family, including Cassius, and Cassius had hated Sirius in return. He always got agitated when Sirius' name was mentioned. Remus had never talked in detail about his relationship with Sirius, but he knew Cassius believed it to have been more significant than Remus had said.

"Fudge has ordered us to be on call at all times." Cassius said in a cool voice, staring down at his now empty plate. "So…there's no way I'll be able to visit…ever." Cassius had talked to Moody and they agreed that one meeting a term would be fine, to keep Remus and Cassius from getting too sick. "You can't get back either, Dumbledore has already sealed Hogwarts off from the floo network. And he just agreed to let Dementors be posted around the castle. They'll get suspicious if you go to Hogsmeade too often."

"Oh."

"So, I guess we'll see how bad the separation illness can get." Cassius' mouth twisted in a wry grin before taking a long drink from his goblet of raspberry juice.

"I'll talk to Dumbledore about coming back for the Christmas holiday." Remus said quickly.

"No, he doesn't know and the less people who know about us the better. You'll be safer that way." Cassius said with finality. "And you'll miss enough days with the full moon – I don't want you to endanger your job by asking for additional time away."

"Oh, husband." Remus lifted Cassius' hand to his mouth and kissed it. "I love you."

"Mm." Cassius hadn't looked at him since he'd started eating. Cassius rubbed his forehead again, then brushed something – was it a tear? – from his eye.

"I'm going to shower and bed. I have to be back at the Ministry at 7." His voice was thick with emotion. Cassius stood and walked slowly from the room. Remus felt another twinge of guilt – maybe he should tell Cassius that Sirius was an animagus but he didn't know how Cassius would react – he'd be disappointed with Remus – and angry too. And he certainly wouldn't let Remus go to Hogwarts then. Remus felt childish for being so stubborn…but he needed to be at Hogwarts.

Remus decided to read in the library about the separation illness so he would know what to expect. He'd been meaning to do that and since Cassius obviously wanted some alone time, it was as good a time as any. He walked by the bathroom on his way to the library. He couldn't hear anything from behind the door which meant Cassius had done a silencing spell. He sighed. He wished Cassius would talk to him. Sometimes, Cassius withdrew into himself so much Remus didn't know how to reach him. He decided he'd allow Cassius to shower in peace but then they would talk. That would give him some time to collect his own thoughts.

On the other side of the door, Cassius was sitting on the floor of the shower, under the cascade of steaming hot water, crying. Remus wanted to be at Hogwarts. He wanted to be there, away from Cassius, so he could reunite with Sirius. Remus had said they were only friends, but Moody had told Cassius that Remus had been devastated when Sirius had been revealed to be the traitor.

Even though they had not mated, Cassius was convinced Remus had loved Sirius very much – maybe enough to forgive the betrayal and death of their best friends. Cassius knew on some level he was being irrational, he was exhausted from the long shifts at work and starting to feel the effects of the separation illness, but he couldn't shake the feeling that Remus would have rather mated with Sirius than him. There wasn't anything he could do.

Everyone had always loved Sirius, he was so easy to love: friendly, charming, brilliant and handsome. Not like Cassius. Hadn't he heard his father tell him that time and time again, all during his childhood? Cassius wasn't charming or friendly – he was too shy, too quiet. He wasn't handsome – he didn't look exactly like a Malfoy should. He wasn't smart – he had special tutoring at school during his 2nd and 3rd years. Cassius couldn't compete with Sirius, he just couldn't. If Sirius came for him, Remus would leave Cassius. Cassius had already lost one love in his life – that had almost killed him, and they hadn't been mated – he couldn't imagine recovering from losing Remus…. He took a deep breath. Until Sirius came for him – Remus was still his. The thought made Cassius feel a bit better…

Remus read for about 20 minutes. He kept an ear alert to the sound of the bathroom door opening. Symptoms of the separation illness started about three weeks after the mates' last sexual encounter. Remus wondered why Cassius hadn't been sleeping well the past few weeks if the separation illness could only have started this week. The symptoms included insomnia, nausea, body aches, fever, loss of appetite, headaches, irrationality, anxiety, irritability, and depression. The symptoms would start off mild, some mates experiencing just one symptom, others more. They would become more intense as the separation became longer. Double mating made the symptoms worse since that bond was stronger than a single mating. The human mate would suffer more in the long run, not having the werewolf's strength.

Remus felt guilty at putting this burden on Cassius, especially now when he needed his strength to capture Sirius. He looked back at the book. The longest recorded separation was over one year, neither mate died although they both were severely ill at the end. No one knew how long it would take for death to occur. Often when one mate died, the other mate chose to follow the mate into death without waiting for the separation illness. Maybe that meant death from separation didn't happen. Remus swallowed hard. He should have known all this before they mated…was he really making the right decision to go to Hogwarts? Remus heard the bathroom door open. He closed the book and walked into the hallway, Cassius walked into the bedroom without looking in his direction.

"Hi." Remus said as he walked into the bedroom, looking at Cassius closely, his eyes were a little red.

"Are you coming to bed?" Cassius' cheeks were turning pink.

Remus smiled. "I thought I would, I like being with you."

"I can't remember sleeping in here without you." Cassius said, rubbing his forehead, as Remus walked towards him. "How long has it been?"

"It's been a long time." Remus said with a loving smile. "Since we mated." When Remus had gone to France on business the year before, Cassius had stayed at Stevens' flat.

"How will I manage after you leave?" Cassius pulled Remus to him tightly, he sounded sad.

"I won't go to Hogwarts." Remus said, his cheek resting on Cassius' bare chest. After reading about the separation illness, he was worried about being away from his mate – in spite of his desire to be at Hogwarts.
"I'll stay with you."

"Damn it, Remus! At dinner, you wanted to go so badly you almost broke all the bones in my hand! You're going. It's settled." Cassius said sharply. Remus pulled away slightly but before he could say anything, Cassius continued. "You're going. I'll deal, we'll deal."

"I love you so much, husband." Remus stood on tip-toe to kiss Cassius and then tried to look into his eyes. Cassius wouldn't meet his gaze. "I want to be at Hogwarts, I've always wanted to be a professor there. And I want to help protect Harry. If it gets too dangerous, I'll come home." Cassius looked at him then.

"What if it's already too dangerous?"

"They wouldn't keep the school open if they thought that."

"True." Cassius agreed reluctantly. Remus kissed him again slowly and tenderly, coaxing a small murmur of pleasure out of Cassius.

"I love you, Cass."

"I love you, too, Remus. And we're not fucking, so don't get any ideas." Cassius smiled ruefully.

"I…" Remus blushed and let go of Cassius. "I wasn't getting any ideas."

"Really? What was that I felt against my leg then?" Cassius said over his shoulder as he walked to the bed and crawled in.

"Well – all right, I was getting ideas, but it's just because you were kissing me." Remus answered.

"You kissed me." Cassius yawned and closed his eyes, burrowing his head into his pillow.

"Whatever." Remus walked around to his side of the bed. Cassius always slept on the side of the bed closest to the door. Remus climbed under the covers. "If I don't get any ideas, can I snuggle with you?" He asked hopefully.

"Snuggle away." Cassius sounded half asleep already. Remus quickly moved close to him. He curled up along Cassius' left side, reaching out to trace over the magical writing on his right collarbone. Over the five years Cassius had had the tattoo, the action had become comforting to Remus.

"This isn't snuggling." Cassius said softly after Remus had traced over the writing several times. Remus' fingers were leaving trails of desire in their wake like they always did.

"Yes it is." Remus replied just as softly. Cassius shivered as Remus' warm breath caressed his bite mark.

"It's not – it's stroking."

"That's just semantics." Remus said smiling as Cassius shivered again.

"Well, it's giving me ideas, so stop it."

"Sorry." Remus stilled his hand. After a moment, Cassius heaved a big sigh.

"It's too late." Cassius' eyes flew open and met twinkling amber eyes just a few inches away.

"I have a solution." Remus said cheerfully.

"What is that?" Cassius' eyes narrowed.

"This." Remus latched on to the bite mark on Cassius' left shoulder and started to suck. Cassius let out a short groan. Remus licked and sucked at the bite mark, occasionally scraping his teeth over it. Cassius' breath quickened. Remus could feel the heat of it against his ear. Cassius' hands came up and tangled in Remus' hair. Remus nipped sharply at the bite mark and Cassius let out a short moan. Cassius was always fairly quiet when they had sex, like he was afraid of being too noisy. Remus used all the tricks he had learned over the years and succeeded in getting Cassius to groan out pleas and cry out words of love between quick, panting breaths. After they had both found their release, without actually joining together, Remus lay, sweaty and exhausted, surrounded by Cassius' strong arms.

"Where did you learn all that?" Cassius sounded stunned.

"From you." Remus smiled contentedly, nuzzling closer to his mate's heat.

"Even that thing you did with your tongue?"

"Uh huh." Remus tightened his arms around Cassius. "You yelled out my name." Remus thought he might burst with pride.

"Yes, I did."

"You've never done that before."

"Haven't I?" Cassius murmured drowsily.

"No – you hardly ever talk." Cassius was silent as he turned on his side and wrapped his limbs around Remus. "Cass?"

"Mmm." Cassius buried his face in the crook of Remus' neck. Remus wrapped his arms around his mate tenderly.

"I liked it when you yelled my name." Remus whispered. "I love you so much."

"Just…." Cassius whispered back.

"What?"

"Don't stay away."

"I won't." Remus waited, Cassius always told Remus 'I love you' before he fell asleep. "Cass?" He could hear the steady breathing that signaled Cassius was asleep. Remus pressed a kiss to Cassius' jaw. He leant back a bit and traced over the straight eyebrows and down Cassius' long nose. He was very handsome. Remus felt his heart quicken as he looked at his mate. He kissed Cassius again.