Thank you to my reviewers! I just can't thank you enough! :-) Notes at the end so we can get right to the story. It's a bit long: 10 pages in word!

Chapter 30 – You Tell Me

"I'm home!" Cassius's voice echoed through the house.

"I'm in the attic!" Remus yelled. After sleeping until almost noon, he'd had lunch and then looked through the photo album. Then he'd come up to the attic. He'd spent the past few hours looking through Cassius' old school things. Tabby had brought him tea and scones an hour ago.

Since then, he'd found the Ravenclaw House Chess Championship cup that Cassius had won three years in a row. When he graduated, the Ravenclaw house had given him a trophy of his own to take with him. Remus had also found a picture of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team from Cassius' 5th year so it had both Stevens and Owen in it. He was thinking about putting some things in the library so Cassius could see them. He heard the clomping of Cassius's boots on the stairs getting louder and a moment later, Cassius was standing in the doorway.

"What're you doing?" Cassius's green eyes quickly noticed the opened trunks with items strewn around the room and the cup in Remus's hand.

"I thought we could do a little redecorating in the library." Remus answered calmly. "I found a great picture of The Marauders that I'm going to frame. And there's a wonderful one of you, Stevens and Owen from the album Stevens gave you."

"Oh?" Remus watched out of the corner of his eye as Cassius's hand flexed.

"I looked through the whole album today. For all you talk about the academic brilliance of Ravenclaws, there's not one picture of any of you studying." Remus said with a smile.

"We didn't need to study." Cassius said, smiling slyly.

"Ah. Apparently. You, Owen and Stevens certainly got into a lot of mischief." The smile faded from Cassius's face. "I thought it was time we remembered the good times with our friends…instead of ignoring it all, the good and the bad. I know it's painful, but talking about it helps. You can't keep things bottled up inside, it's not good. Even if it hurts, you need to talk about it."

Remus had practiced his speech to Cassius all afternoon, he wasn't as eloquent as he wanted to be, but he was at least speaking his mind. He couldn't believe the things Cassius had kept from him all these years. He'd known Cassius didn't like to talk about things that hurt but he never realized the lengths Cassius had gone to to avoid thinking about Owen. "I don't like all these secrets you keep from me."

"It was only Owen I didn't tell you about."

"Only?" Remus tried to keep his voice calm but there was an edge of anger in it. "He was one of your best friends at school, you dated him, he lived here and I had never even heard his name before this week! It's not like that's a small thing, Cassius."

"He died because of me, Remus! I didn't want to think about it! I didn't want to think about him! It hurt so much."

"He didn't die because of you." Remus had asked Moody about Owen and the circumstances of his death. It appeared to have been a random murder by the Death Eaters, like so many of the murders were at that time.

"He did! He wanted me to come with him that day and I didn't want to go shopping. If I'd been there –"

"You could have been killed too! There is no guarantee you would have been able to save him if you had been there."

"But I might have been able to."

"I might have been able to figure out that Sirius was the spy before he became James and Lily's secret keeper, but I didn't. And I dealt with that, I didn't shove it to the back of my mind and not think about it for twelve years!"

"I'm sorry." Cassius whispered hoarsely.

"You don't need to be sorry."

"You're mad at me."

"I'm no-…I am mad, but it's because I feel like you hid part of yourself from me all these years. I love you. I love all of you. I want to know everything about you. There's nothing I could find out that would change how I feel about you."

Cassius crossed over to Remus slowly and knelt down by him, taking the cup, which Remus had forgotten he was still holding, from his hand. Cassius was silent as he gazed down at it. "You could put your chess cup on your desk." Remus suggested gently, reaching out to touch his mate, rubbing his back.

"I won this three years in a row."

"I know, I remember you bragging about it years ago. Stevens never won it, right?" Cassius shook his head. "What about Owen?"

"Owen beat me our 7th year. Told me he was sick of losing to me. He studied strategy like a maniac."

"Really?" Remus prompted.

Cassius smiled slightly at the memory. "I teased him he was really a goblin – he was so crafty…and short."

"I'd like to hear more about him." Remus said softly, watching Cassius's smile fade back into sadness. Stevens' words echoed in Remus' head: 'You can't let him be silent, Remus.' He wasn't going to, not if he could help it. He reached for Cassius's hand, stroking over the long fingers. "Owen wouldn't want you to be unhappy when you thought about him…he'd want to you remember him, to remember all the good times you had together. He loved you."

"I loved him too." Cassius' voice was a husky whisper.

"Please tell me about him." Remus demanded gently. "Stevens said you knew Owen since you were little…that you dated for a year?"

"We met the first day of school when we were six. He never cared I was a Malfoy. I was so glad when we got sorted into the same house when we went to Hogwarts." Cassius said quietly. "We didn't date though…Owen always insisted that we weren't dating, we were in love. I never understood the difference." He shook his head and his hair fell into his face, blocking Remus's view of his expression.

"I think I do." Remus said softly.

"It's hard, Remus." Cassius's fingers clenched around the cup.

"I know." Remus tucked a lock of Cassius' hair behind his ear, he hadn't had time to cut it yet. He smiled as Cassius leaned into the touch automatically. He trailed his fingers down to his mate's shoulder. "Thank you for telling me. I know I'm not very good about talking about James and Lily and Peter…and Sirius. But I think it will help us both to talk about them, all of them, Owen especially. They're our past, but the past is still important. We shouldn't avoid it because it's painful. We can help each other."

Remus could see the glint of tears in Cassius' eyes as he nodded. He wouldn't push further right now, but they were going to redecorate the library tonight before he left tomorrow to return to Hogwarts. And they would be talking about Owen more then. He leaned forward and kissed Cassius' cheek. "I love you very much, you know." Cassius nodded. Remus rubbed his back again. "How was work?"

"Still no sign of Black. It's ridiculous. I didn't think he was so smart. He should have been a Slytherin, the way he slips through our grasp." Cassius put the cup down and reached for a school book lying in the trunk in front of him.

"Sirius fooled around a lot during school, but he was very bright." Remus tried to keep his tone light.

"And handsome and charming and wonderful and everyone loved him." Cassius ground out the words, "But he only had eyes for you."

"That's not all true." Remus said calmly.

"It seemed all true." Cassius hurled the book back in the trunk as he stood up.

"You are handsome and charming and wonderful, too." Remus stood up.

"No, I'm not." Cassius stated matter of factly, staring down at the floor.

"I think you are." Remus said firmly. Cassius was silent. Remus thought they had dealt with Cassius' insecurities over the years but Sirius's escape had seemed to bring them all back. He knew Cassius had always been compared to his cousins, especially Sirius, and his older brother, and his father had always found him lacking. "I'm lucky to have found someone like you." Gleaming green eyes flew up to look at him. "I only have eyes for you, there's no need to be jealous or worried about Sirius. The fact that Sirius is no longer in Azkaban changes nothing. He and I aren't together, we're not going to be together. I'm with you. You are my husband. I. Love. You." Remus punctuated each word with a kiss. "You are the handsomest, charmingest, wonderfulest man I know."

"Those aren't really words, are they?"

"No," Remus laughed. "They're not…they should be."

"I love you so much." Cassius pulled Remus closer to him. "Are you still mad at me?"

"No." Remus rubbed his nose against his mate's.

"Because if you were…we could have had make-up sex before dinner." Cassius gazed at him almost shyly.

"Or we could just have sex anyway." Remus pulled out of Cassius's embrace. "Because," Remus reached down into the trunk next to him, "I found this." He held up a Head Boy badge and smiled. Cassius grinned back, green eyes sparkling, as he took it in his hand.

"So…Fifty points from Gryffindor unless you are naked on our bed within the next three minutes."

"No fair!" Remus ran out of the attic and down the stairs. He skidded around the corner, down the hall and into their room trying to pull off his clothes at the same time. He could hear Cassius's steady steps coming down the stairs and down the hall.

"It's a good thing you managed that in time, it would have been embarrassing to tell Dumbledore why you lost house points over the holiday." Cassius smiled as he closed the door and leaned against it.

"I never knew Ravenclaws could be so power-hungry." Remus smiled as he tried to get his breath back.

"I'll have you know I was very fair. Well…" Cassius paused. "I did take a lot of points from Slytherin, but they always deserved it."

"Sure." Remus nodded, watching Cassius unbutton his white linen shirt. "You never let the fact you were Head Boy go to your head. I believe you." He watched as Cassius sat down on the chair in front of the fire and unlaced his boots one at a time.

"Could you hurry up over there?" Remus asked impatiently as Cassius stood up and unbuckled his belt.

"What's that muggle saying? Patience is a virtue?" He unbuttoned his pants and slowly slid down the zipper, pushing his boxers down with his pants. Remus squirmed impatiently.

"20 points from Ravenclaw if you're not on top of me in ten seconds." He threatened in his best prefect voice. Cassius was on him in six.

"So, Lupin," Cassius said casually, as he traced a pale finger over one of Remus's scars, "How many points do you think you can earn?"

"You tell me." Remus pulled Cassius into a deep, wet, slow kiss as he arched up against him.

"You can't hold my wrist while I do this." Remus shook his arm, trying to loosen Cassius' grasp. He'd lowered his arm for just a moment while he brushed his other hand through Cassius' hair when Cassius had gotten an iron hold on his wrist.

"Remus." The whisper had a plaintive, desperate note to it.

"I'm almost done. Can you manage a bit longer?"

"I…" Remus saw the anxiety flickering in the green depths of Cassius' eyes.

"Here." Remus pulled on Cassius' fingers and they slowly let go of Remus' wrist. Remus moved them to his throat, to the pulse point under the jaw. Feeling Remus's pulse or listening to his heartbeat calmed Cassius down whenever he had one of his panic attacks. Remus had known this for years. It wasn't unexpected when one considered the emotional and physical abuse Cassius had endured as a small child. Stevens had told him Cassius had been having anxiety attacks more often lately. Remus cursed Sirius silently for being the cause of them. "I'm almost done." Cassius's fingers pressed into his skin. He quickly finished cutting Cassius' hair. "There. Now, come upstairs with me."

They were on their bed a few minutes later. Cassius lay on top of Remus, his head resting over Remus' heart and his fingers still pressed against the pulse point on Remus' throat.

"You're all right. I've got you." Remus murmured, stroking his hand up and down Cassius' back. He could feel Cassius relaxing a little. "You're safe with me."

"You have to get going if Remus is going to be back at Hogwarts in time for dinner." Tabby stood in the doorway.

Cassius's hand clenched Remus's sweater in a silent plea.

"I'll owl Dumbledore and see if I can stay longer." Remus tried to move off the bed but was trapped under Cassius's weight.

"I'll get you a quill and a piece of paper." Tabby said, turning and walking down the hall towards the library.

"Sweetheart, you'll have to let me up so I can write." Remus murmured gently. Cassius shifted and sat up, allowing Remus to do the same. He was quickly pulled back against Cassius's chest, Cassius's hand sought Remus's heartbeat as Cassius buried his face in Remus's neck.

"Here you go." Tabby returned, holding out a quill and paper.

"Thanks." Remus quickly wrote a note to Dumbledore asking to return on New Year's Day. He would still be back three days before the end of the holiday break. He had brought home all his student work to grade and his books so he could plan lessons. He hoped Dumbledore would approve his request.

"I'll give it to Orlie."

"Thank you." Remus smiled gratefully at Tabby. She turned and he could hear her quick footsteps on the stairs.

"He'll let you stay with me, won't he?" Cassius murmured.

"I think so." Remus turned and pulled Cassius back into his arms. "I asked for five more days, that will be good, won't it?"

Remus felt Cassius's lips press against his neck in answer. He stroked his hand down Cassius's back murmuring more words of comfort. Slowly Remus could feel the anxiety ebbing away. They lay together for a while before either of them spoke again.

"I wish you didn't have to go back." Cassius's voice was muffled against his skin.

"I could see if Snape could take over. He's always whinging on about wanting the DADA job. You should have seen how excited he was when I asked him to teach my classes during the full moon a couple months back."

"He was probably excited just to be in the same room with you." Cassius muttered.

"What?"

"He has a crush on you." Cassius grimaced. "Can you imagine ever dating Snape?"

"No." Remus answered honestly, he couldn't. "How do you know that anyway?"

"Dumbledore told me. I couldn't figure out why he did, although now that I know he knows about us, he was probably trying to make me jealous."

"Were you jealous?"

"Of Snape?" Cassius laughed. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Really?"

"All right, I was jealous, but only because I'm jealous of anyone who spends time with you when I can't."

"You're so adorable when you're jealous." Remus paused, "Really, I could ask if he could take over the rest of the year."

"I thought you loved teaching." Cassius looked up at him.

"I do love teaching. But I love you more."

"I'll be all right." Cassius snapped, pulling away from him.

"I know." Remus replied gently, knowing he had somehow implied Cassius was weak, something Malfoys never were. He'd never be 'allowed' to stay at Windy Corner now. "I did promise Harry that I would teach him how to do a Patronus."

"There, see? You can't stay home."

"Remus? Dumbledore owled back, he said that's fine!" Tabby called up the stairs. "There's more news but you can read it later."

"Thanks!" Remus shouted back.

"Too bad I can't get more time off. We'll only get to see each other in the evenings." Cassius muttered, plucking at the quilt.

"How did you get today off?" Remus asked, stroking Cassius's back. He'd been curious because he knew no aurors were being allowed extra vacation time while Sirius was on the loose. They got either Christmas or New Year's Day off in addition to their regular day off.

"I got today off because it's my 6th day." The aurors were working a five days on, one day off schedule. Cassius laid back down on the bed."I got Christmas off because I swapped with Bartleby. He wanted New Year's Day off and I agreed to work it so I could have Christmas off."

"Oh." Remus looked into Cassius's green eyes, they had lost the anxious shimmer. "They're happening more often, aren't they?"

"Yeah." Cassius pulled Remus down and rolled over on top of him, kissing his neck. He was trying to distract Remus from the subject but Remus was determined.

"Tabby has a calming potion you could try, when I go back to Hogwarts," Remus let out a short moan as Cassius nipped at the tender skin near his ear. "She says…oh...she says it helps with hers."

"I'm not a baby, I don't need to take a potion." Cassius said, negating the effect of his words by sounding like a sulky four year old.

"Tabby's not a baby either. She's a very brave woman who happens to have a stress-induced panic disorder and she takes a potion to help. Just…mmm...think about it for the next time, please? Please? Cassius?"

"Yes, Remus."

"Good." Remus checked that off his mental list of things he'd wanted to discuss with Cassius. Now he would just be in 'reminder mode', which was much less stressful than 'discussing subjects that had potential to turn into confrontations mode'.

"We can stay up here, can't we? Until tea?"

"Of course we can. We could take a nap."

"I'm not tired." Cassius protested quickly, looking into Remus's amber eyes. "Honestly, I've been sleeping really well since you got home."

"All right, all right." Remus laughed, kissing him briefly. "Then…what else could we do? I've still got papers to grade and you have Hogwarts: A History."

"Remus."

"Yes, you're right, grading papers is too boring, I'll read my new mystery book instead."

"Remus."

"Cassius."

"Why couldn't we have sex?" Cassius's fingers traced a pattern on Remus's chest.

"Sex? Twice in one day?" Remus pretended to look shocked.

"We've done it before, silly wife."

"Not since you turned 30. Think you're still up to the challenge?"

"You tell me." Cassius rubbed against him.

Author's Note: Chapter 31 won't be up for a few days because I realized I didn't have it all finished. I have the ones after that almost ready to post but I still have to fill in some things for the next chapter.

Noone, if you like your name, I like your name. :-) Thanks for your review!

Thanks to Mon2 for the idea about Snape having a crush on Remus…more will be filled in about that in the chapters to come. (giggle!)

Elkebaby, ah, a kindred spirit! Thanks for the reviews!

AffectedMangoO, I'm sorry I made you mad! I hope this chapter made it better.

Xhana, thanks for your first review!! I am glad you found the story! :-) Thanks for the compliment about the story fitting with the books, I really try hard with that.

Drastic Diner, yes, Sirius will be "lying low" at Windy Corner after Voldemort returns to power. That will be in Chapter 36, unless I expand one of the chapters between here and there (to include plot suggestions by reviewers)