Disclaimer I do not own the Teen Titans, or the song Hold on, by Good Charlotte. I own the arrangement of them all in my story, though.
A/N I truly hope that all of you like this chapter. This would be the second time I've attempted a song fic, so I hope it's significantly better than my first. ;; That wasn't too good...Anyway, I like this song, and I thought that it fit perfectly with the story. In fact, this is the song that first inspired 'Soundproof'. v Just wanted to put this in, since I owe a lot to this song. Again, I hope you like it.
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Chapter 13 - Hold On
"Why do you care so much? You know that I wouldn't be stupid, but maybe I want to...Maybe you should just let me this time."
Beast Boy's left hand was clenched into a fist, and his head was down, so I couldn't see his facial expression. "I just do, OK? Why do I need a reason to care?" He looked up. His eyes so full of worry that I could have died...The same concern that was surrounding him when he had talked to me before, outside my room. "If I can prevent you from doing something stupid...something that can change your life, or death, then I'll do it. I'll make sure that nothing happens..."
This world,
This world is cold
But you don't,
You don't have to go
He had me there. There was absolutely nothing that I could say to comeback. So solid, he is...But nothing can beat determination. And I'm sure that my determination is stronger. Besides, he's just saying all of this because it's the right thing to do, not because he wants to...I think.
By this time, my hands had loosened from fists, to separated palms, slowly desending to my sides. I looked strait ahead at him, but my eyes wandered about him. Anywhere but his eyes...
Those eyes...Why do those eyes make me fall? Pushing my heart up and down. Creating a full circulation of all emotions. I falter when he looks at me. Beast Boy looks so understanding, and geniunely caring. I want to believe that he's telling the truth...but he'll not forgive me. Even I'll not forgive myself, so I can't expect him to.
You're feeling sad
You're feeling lonely
And no one seems to care
"Raven..."
Don't say my name...Please. Don't say my name.
Though I can tell exactly what I did, I certainly cannot say that I was thinking about it...at all. My mind was in the past. Back in that sleepless room of despair. Back on this very rooftop not too long ago. Back to just outside my door. Back to my nightmares filled with screams of the dead and dying...My mind was there.
In one swift motion, I bent my legs back, and looked over the edge of the tower, waiting for Beast Boy to run to me. As he morphed into a cheetah, as I expected, apparently, I threw my weight forward. I spread my arms apart, and jumped as hard I could to meet my feet with his back. In doing this, I jumped to the side and ran. Sprinting as fast as my will could handle, I looked behind me to find that Beast Boy was still in confusion.
You're mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bare
But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go thru
Changing from the long, smooth strides that I had previously been using, I slowed down. Sliding my feet around so that my back faced the edge of the tower, I slowly closed my eyes and let my body fall backwards.
Falling...Falling...My arms were limp, and floating upwards from the force. And slowly I started to feel my body turning itself over. My cloak was trying desperately to tear from my body and float to safety. It kind of felt like everything was telling me to go back and try again to fix stuff...Heh.
'Get back up there right now!'
Moron...I CAN'T! I can't fly anymore, remember?
'Don't do this! You're acting like such a child...'
How am I a child? I'm helping everyone, and everything, by doing this.
'Oh. So, since things start to get a little rough, you start to get down on yourself, then you just say, "Hey, I should kill myself!". Well, you know, it doesn't work like that! Everyone goes through their hard times, and you're not gonna be any exception. The only difference, is that other people handle it a heck of a lot better than you!'
That's just another reason for me to die...
Hold on...
If you feel like letting go
Hold on...
It gets better than you know
'...darn.'
Opening my eyes, I tried to turn myself over to look upward. There was a small green head lunging out from the edge of the roof. Beast Boy's face looked pale, even from here...Kind of a pea green, if I may. Not that I'm in a situation to be thinking about colors.
He was yelling something, though I couldn't hear it. And I felt something land in the palm of my hand. Making a barely audible thump against my skin, it rose and fell until it stayed firm in my palm. Wet, it was. Like the rain that had comforted me through those long nights...but also like the acid that had haunted the city, and burned the old oak. Like the water between shores, that I swam.
Clasping it tightly in my hand, I knew what it had to be...tears...As hot and salty as they were back in my room.
Your days you say they're way too long
And your nights you can't sleep at all...hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for
But you don't want to no more
"I don't really hate you." That's what he had said to be before he left. How could I have forgotten?
My conscience...She had said that I shouldn't do this. Well, isn't that just another part of my mind? Was I really serious about jumping down to those rocks?...Those boulders right below me? No...I just wanted to believe that I was worthless. And now someone's in pain...
As my vision came into focus, I could see clearly that Beast Boy had jumped from the rooftop. He was diving down to rescue me...And now everyone's in pain. I never wanted this to happen! I just wanted it to be quick and painless...Not thoughts and regrets. No one jumping to their doom after me. Nothing!...But what can I do. I knew before I leaned back into the air that my powers were gone.
I don't deserve this...I mean, I do deserve this humility, this ache, but I don't deserve this kindness. I know that I'm a bad person, so Beast Boy doesn't have to do anything for me. That's why I need to die. Because I'm receiving undeserved, unconditional love...No. I think I'm just obsessed with death. First it was because I felt unwanted, and now it's because I feel wanted, but don't think I deserve it...That's a pretty good indication that I'm insane.
And you're not sure what you're looking for
But you don't want to no more
And we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go thru
"Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die. Don't die...," Beast Boy whispered as he came closer and closer to me. His hand was outstretched, his face still wet from tears. "I want you to stay."
Beast Boy...He really understands. He's waiting for me to take his hand, rather than he himself grabbing mine...And he wants me here. Now that he's giving me the option, of leaving, it doesn't really seem right to...I can't.
'So...what are you waiting for? I know you wanna grab his hand.'
Hold on...
If you feel like letting go
Hold on...
It gets better than you know
I do...
'...So...What do we do now, Raven?'
Die. I'm scared as heck, and can't think.
'...That's bad. You know that, right?!'
There's nothing I can do, now...I keep wanting let him hold me, and fly me to safety. Nothing I can do will keep me alive long enough to do that, though. I'm just too scared.
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over
...Hold on...
"Please, Raven," Beast Boy said, trying to stretch his arm out. "Don't be afraid. I'm here."
"...Of course."
Grabbing his hand, he pulled me up to him and wrapped his arms around me. I was slightly taken aback by this, but I quickly regained my senses and did the same. We just floated there wrapped up in each other...falling.
'You're still falling!'
Beast Boy wasn't paying attention to what his conscience was saying, I assume, because he was still sobbing with happiness. He's probably the only person to help us out of this situation. I mean, he can fly...but not if he's not paying attention.
What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me
Go ahead
What are you waiting for?
I can't have us both die for my own stupidity. I can't let BB die, at least.
The sun was slowly setting as we fell. Our own descending bodies seemed to cause the sun to crawl under the sky. A deeper red it became as it fell. Blood red against a darkening sky. Like the blood that could have been spilled. Like the heart that lives and breathes today for this boy...The one who pulled me away from myself and held tight to the sanity that I still had, even when I had long ago let go.
Pushing Beast Boy away for only a split second, I pulled him to my left. He gave me a confused look. The kind of look that someone gives you when they wake up from a dream; dazed, looking for the answer to where and why you awakened them. As I held his hand I started to blush, but knew that I had something else to do.
Hold on...
If you feeling like letting go
Hold on...
It gets better than you know
"My turn. I've yet to do anything useful," I whispered to him, trying to smile. "Hold on..."
I was going to summon all of the strength that I could control, and try to levitate us or, at least, slow our fall. This required...an absolute miracle. I have to meditate every day to keep my emotions and powers in check, so what would happen after no control over anything for longer than that? Chaos. Pain. Anything bad, basically. I've certainly never dared to try it until now. Not that I tried to to do that, of course.
'But you're the one who said that determination is stronger than anything else,' my conscience reminded me.
True...but...
Don't stop looking you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over
Unintentionally, I turned my head over to Beast Boy. I expected at least a bit of worry to overcome him. To my surprise, though, he was completely calm. Beast Boy had his eyes closed, and he was smiling. The exact opposite of what I was. Soaking in the moment and not worrying...Though this is kind of an awkward time to be doing that, I think that sounds like a good idea.
"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos...Azarath. Metrion. Zinthos...Azarath. Metrion. Zinthos...," I chanted, relaxing myself to the point where it would do some good. I'd normally be getting frustrated trying, at this point, but trying too hard won't help my mental stability.
Hold on...
If you feel like letting go
Hold on...
It gets better than you know
Squeezing his hand for what might be the last time, I relaxed and let myself go limp, trying to sustain all my energy and consentration.
The was down, and I could no longer see Beast Boy or the tower with the rising of the new moon. The last light came from atop the surface of the water, that seemed to be hungry for our blood below us. There was a very subtle mist around the two of us, from what I could feel, so a chill ran through my nerves as I continued to chant.
Beast Boy sighed audibly beside me. "Raven," he spoke, letting the words roll off his tongue. "You're so amazing. I hope we don't die so that we can talk some more. Not angry, but like before."
All I can remember is the rush that welled up in my chest and face at that moment.
....Hold on...
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A/N Whoa...I actually like this chapter...kind of. Oh, by the way, this is not the end. I still have at least ONE more chapter. Wouldn't want you all to get riled up about this being the end. I'll make it definite. Anyway, better R&R if you want to let me know what you thought. This was the song that I've always wanted to work into this, so this was really fun to write. Hope it was fun to read!