When She Was
April 16, 1997
Sunnydale, CA
Dear Diary,
Angel
is a vampire. He's an actual blood-sucking vampire. It's still
difficult for me to believe. He was so nice to me. He gave me a cross
and he helped me with Master info and he kissed me and...it doesn't
make any sense. Was it some kind of evil fraternity prank? Like, was
Beta Delta Vampire having pledge week? Get the Slayer to fall in love
with you so she's all vulnerable and then RAWRRR, get all bitey on her?
I'm
totally crying. Why am I crying? Why do I care? He's just...evil. He's
not any different than anything that I've ever turned into ashes
before...or so I thought.
Apparently, gypsy curses are not just
for fairy tales and scary stories. A long time ago Angel killed the
wrong girl and it turned out that her family was this powerful gypsy
clan and they cursed Angel with his soul. Not too bad as curses go, I
think. But Angel said he lived for years tortured by the guilt of what
he had done for a hundred years as a soulless thing. He looked really
upset when he told me about it. I guess it's been a horrible existence
for him.
Part of me feels sorry for him but another part of me
doesn't. It's like, he was this monster in Europe, and he became a
legend. Watchers wrote books about him. I don't even want to think
about the things he's done. It hurts too much. It hurts in a place deep
inside me that I didn't know existed.
I guess this means he's probably had sex before. I don't even want to think about that.
Anyway, so after I found out what he was I went to kill him. I didn't
want to. I mean, I did and I didn't. It's so complicated. The thought
of stabbing a stake through Angel's heart...it would feel like I was
stabbing one through mine. Just imagining doing that sucks all the air
out of me. Deciding to slay Angel made me feel like something really
important left my body, and I was just a ghost or something.
But I grabbed my crossbow and headed to The Bronze to dust him. It's my
job. I'm the Slayer and I can't just back out just because I have fuzzy
feelings for a vampire, which I shouldn't have anyway. I was starting
to think there was something really wrong with me.
So, Angel was
there and that's when he told me the gypsy story. Then Darla, one of
the Master's Minions, showed up and it turns out she's the vampire who
turned Angel! Man, I wanted to kill her just for that. But it was Angel
who did it. And he didn't even blink. He just killed her and then he
left.
Later I saw Angel at The Bronze and we decided not to see
each other again. It obviously wouldn't work. I mean, hey, slayer and
vampire? Talk about incompatibility. So we agreed to stop pursuing it,
but then we kissed, which surprised me. It's like when we're together
we can't control ourselves. It feels as if there's this electric
current running between us and the closer we are physically, the
stronger that current is.
That kiss lasted forever. But now I have to go on with the actual
Forever, without him. I walked out of The Bronze and touched the cross
necklace he had given me the first time we met. It was burning hot.
Buffy