Little Pink Pill
Author: "Painbow"
Summary: After learning about Angel's new baby, Buffy decides that she and Spike need to take preventative measures...
A/N: This story is inspired by actual events...a friend of mine has a girlfriend who...let's just say you haven't experienced mood swings until you've experienced her's...
The crypt door slammed open and in marched the Slayer. She wasn't especially pissed off or angry, no more then usual at any rate, but she still liked to kick down the odd door.
Spike sat up from where he had been sleeping on his sarcophagus. He looked over at the door, noticing that one of the hinges was close to breaking. He'd have to go steal some tools from Xander and fix it before the Slayer kicked it right out of the frame.
Buffy stood there, radiating a certain...je ne c'est quoi. William would have called her 'effulgent', Spike would have called her 'bloody beautiful', the author will say that while she was indeed glowing, etc, etc, she was more drawn to the half-naked vampire on the bed, and so only caught a cursory glance at the girl in question, who, really, looked rather calculating.
"Well, luv," Spike began, feeling that a pet name would get him off on the right foot, and hopefully lead to getting him off. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Shut up, Spike," said Buffy, on principle. "I'm here because of Angel."
Spike flinched, turned away, and then proceeded to punch a hole in the crypt wall. Once he felt that he had made his feelings about his sire perfectly clear, he turned back to Buffy.
"What about Angel, ducks?"
"Well, I figured that you would have heard...he's a father."
Spike looked nonplussed, which answered the question of whether or not he had heard. Angel? A father? How the bloody hell did that happen? He decided to ask.
"Angel? A father? How the bloody hell did that happen?"
"I don't really know, Spike. Apparently he and Darla had a kid."
Spike's eyes bugged out of his head, which, Buffy thought, was really a lot less attractive then when they looked lovingly at her...even though she hated him and the thought of him made her skin crawl.
Trip to Egypt complete, Buffy got back to the matter at hand. "But, the fact of the matter is, Angel had a kid. He's a vampire and he had a kid. So, if we're not careful, we could have one too."
"Maybe it's 'cause the great ponce has a soul," said Spike. Buffy looked slightly orgasmic for a moment, and Spike cursed himself for using the S-word. "All I'm saying, pet, is that us vamps are sterile. Cold, dead seed, and all that. I dunno how Peaches managed to get his girl preggers, but it's not gonna happen with us."
Buffy glared (again, on principle). "Don't be so sure. Fate and Destiny always seem to enjoy screwing with me. Who knows? A bouncing, baby, blood-sucker could very well be in my future."
"Well, luv, I don't know what to tell you besides Cold, Dead, Seed," said Spike, raising an eyebrow. "Speaking of which," he began, waggling his eyebrows seductively. No small feat, considering that most times it makes people look like they have a creepy facial tic.
"Eww, gross, Spike!" Buffy punched him in the face. "We need to focus on the problem!"
Spike wiped the blood away from his newly punched nose and licked his fingers. "I don't really see that we have a problem, pet. Just because Captain Forehead ended up changing nappies, doesn't mean we will."
"I don't want to take that chance," said Buffy firmly. She tossed a box at him, which he caught.
"Condoms?" he said, incredulously. "I'm not wearing condoms! Cold. Dead. Seed! 'Sides, it'll cramp my style."
"It'll cramp your style more if you don't wear them. I'm not getting pregnant. Either you wear them, or no more sex."
Spike blinked, then looked back down at the box again. The writing said, 'ribbed for her pleasure.' He blinked again. After a moment's thought a smile crept back across his face.
"Alright, I'll wear them, luv, but there's a few things I won't be able to do anymore."
Buffy looked skeptical. "Like what?"
"Well..." Spike got up and began to whisper is Buffy's ear.
Her eyes widened and she stepped back. "But...that's my favourite!"
"Sorry, pet," he said, holding up the box. "I'd love to, but it doesn't work with these, and you don't want to take the risk..."
"But...I mean...there's got to be another way!"
Spike opened the box and took out a package. "Possibly, pet. There's probably many types of contraceptives out there, but hell, this is the easiest one to use, innit?" He ripped open the package and slid a purple and bumpy circle out. He then began to pull it over his arm, grinning like a twelve year old.
Buffy stared at him, in her own world. If he couldn't do that thing anymore was it really worth it? And he was right...there were other types of contraceptives.
She jerked suddenly, startling Spike, who had managed to pull the bumpy, purple, ribbed-for-her-pleasure condom up to his shoulder.
"What's that, luv?"
Buffy stared at Spike for a couple of seconds, then turned and kicked her way out the door.
Spike watched her go, wondering, not for the first or last time why she left without a word. He looked down at his latex-covered arm in thought. She was always leaving...was it him?
Three days later Buffy kicked her way into Spike's crypt. She was feeling great. The sun was shining, birds were singing, she was coming to see Spike, who could now do that thing since she had solved their little possible-pregnancy problem. Oh yes, things were coming up roses.
She strode down to the lower level of Spike's dank, yet romantic in a Beauty and the Beast TV show kind of way crypt, only to find him sleeping on his attractively, if melodramatically, decorated bed. She smiled and walked over to tickle his ribs.
"Spiiiike," she sing-songed, "it's time to get uuuuup."
"Mrffle-wzzit," Spike mumbled and then rolled onto his side, abs gleaming like a Greek whatsit, cheekbones cut like a Roman something-or-other (is it time for lunch yet?...).
Buffy giggled. "Spikey, it's time for you to get up. I'm here, and ready to do that thing."
Spike sat bolt upright. "Slayer?" he asked, incredulous for the second time in three days. He watched her cautiously. "You're wakin' me up with a smile and a tickle instead of a slap?" He pinched himself.
"Spike," she giggled again, "don't be silly." She crawled up onto the bed next to him.
Spike grinned, raising a disbelieving eyebrow. "Well, this is more like it," he said grinning. "Just wait here, ducks. I gotta drop some mandrake off to Tara, then I'll be right back. You...make yourself at home."
Buffy stiffened, eyes darkening.
"What is it, luv?" Spike asked, noticing her sudden change in mood.
She glared at him. "What is it between you and Tara?"
Spike looked confused. "What's that?"
"Are you seeing her? Would you like me to ask her out for you? Do you need her address?!"
Spike was definitely confused. "Already have her address, luv. Have to drop the mandrake somewhere."
"I KNEW it!" Buffy screamed, sounding an awful lot like a certain ex-glowy Key. "There's something between you two, isn't there?"
"Buffy, pet, it's just mandrake..." Spike was definitely confused, and flashing back to some of Dru's more intense moods.
"Mandrake," she scoffed. "Is that the new code for SEX!?"
Spike was becoming desperate. His Slayer had had some issues since she died, but never like this. "Pet, ducks, luv, I promise there's nothing between the two of us. She's, well, she's the type that looks at other birds..."
Buffy glared at him before storming off, implying that the lesbian excuse would get him nowhere. Spike watched her stomp into the far recesses of his crypt and debated chasing after her. One thing was certain; Buffy was under some kind of spell, something that was making her act this way. There was no way she would become such a hard-core bitch without provocation. Ahem Never...er...
Debate with himself won (or lost, depending on your point of view), Spike finally decided to find Buffy and figure out what was wrong. Following her scent, he discovered her just outside the entrance to the sewer tunnels, huddled in a corner and reading a book with a flashlight. The Slayer...reading? Spike now had proof that black magic was involved.
"Buffy, luv, what are you doing?"
"What's it look like, Spike? I'm reading. Piss off."
"Luv, you want to tell me what's wrong?"
"Thought I told you to piss off."
"Pet, if I don't know what's wrong I can't help you. Did Willow do a spell?"
Buffy's lower lip began to tremble. "Willow," she sobbed, "is addicted to magic." She began to cry in earnest.
Spike looked confused. "Um, yeah, pet." He crouched down. "Shhh. Stop crying, luv. It'll all be ok." He reached out to touch her arm, and Buffy jerked away.
"I told you to piss off! I'm reading!" Tears gone, Buffy pulled the book up in front of her nose, ignoring Spike.
Spike froze, hand still outstretched.
He stood up, slowly, deliberately, and turned to walk out of the tunnel. Once he reached the other side of the entrance to the sewer, he gave the wall a huge left-hook.
At that, Buffy came flying out of the tunnel. "What the hell is that!? What are you doing? Punching the wall! Are you trying to scare me, or are you just being an idiot?!" She glared at him for a moment, and Spike reflected, in his confused state, that he'd been seeing an awful lot of that expression lately.
She grabbed his left hand and began to pat the top, making cooing sounds. Spike stared at her, something he'd been doing a lot of lately. A demon? Was it possibly a demon?
Carefully, Spike pulled his hand away from the-possible-demon-that-looked-like-Buffy. He made no sudden movements, so as not to startle her.
"Buffy," he asked slowly, in a calm voice, "do you have anything you want to tell me?"
"Hmmm?" replied Buffy, while staring dreamily at him.
"Is there something...new?"
"Huh?" Buffy shook her head, snapping out of her daze. "Oh! Yeah, I meant to tell you! I got a prescription for birth control pills! Now we don't have to worry about pregnancy and you can still do that thing. Everyone wins!"
"Uh huh," said Spike, still speaking in clam tones. "Did the doctor mention any side effects?"
"Well, he said there might be bloating, water retention, acne, indigestion, and mood swings, but so far I haven't noticed any of them."
"Really? None of them." Spike smiled faintly. "Well, in' that lucky."
Buffy grinned and then moved seductively towards Spike. "So...you want to take advantage of new, improved, baby-free me?"
Spike grinned back, but his heart wasn't in it. As Buffy sashayed to his bedroom he groaned internally. Mood swings? Shoulda just used the bloody condoms! That thing's not worth this...
From the basement he could hear a suddenly shrill voice. "Whose shirt is this?! Is this Tara's? SPIKE!..."
The EndA/N...nope, not telling ANYONE what that thing is...eg