Episode IV:

Stuck in what had to have been the worst day of my life, I prayed I would survive it. I have lots of worst days. I have the most memorable and worst days in all of Trenton, New Jersey. And the whole town knows about them. My shit-can of a day started with me deciding yet again to keep my relationship with Ranger, a co-worker and super human god of sorts, on a strictly friendly, non-physical level. I'd made this absolution several times, I just had more luck keeping it before we slept together. I will say this for me, at least I wasn't sleeping around on Morelli.

Joe Morelli is an Italian-god, where Ranger is a Cuban-American-god, and a cop. Joe and I crossed the friend line when I was six and we were playing choo-choo in his garage. We never really stopped. At least not for long.

So after a long night spent convincing myself I would not be snuggling up with Ranger, or Joe, and learn to rely on my hamster, Rex, I rolled out of bed and into the shower. That was my first mistake. I forgotten I'd tried to dye my sister's hair a nice strawberry blonde a week before, which was a disaster, and accidentally used what was left of the dye as shampoo. I was in a rush so I threw on clothes, my usual t-shirt and jeans, skipping the whole hair and make-up thing—nobody I want to see me looking good had been happy to see me for weeks.

I was cruising into the offices of Vincent Plum—my uncle, bail bondsman, and there's a rumor he had an affair with a duck—as Ranger, male unhappy to see me number two, was leaving. Thinking at least my timing wasn't too horrible I parked my grass green Honda CRV at the curb. This is the tenth CRV I've owned... you'd think I'd learn.

"Dear God," Connie, Vinnie's office manager said clutching her amble bosom, "what happened? Who'd you kill?" I'd like to point out that even though I almost never shot people and I am so afraid of my own gun I have to keep it in the cookie jar everyone acts like it happens all the time. "Should I call Ranger? He just left, maybe he can catch the guy."

I was sure Ranger could. He could catch anybody. As far bounty hunters, ahem, sorry, bond enforcement agents go, he's aces. The best out there. He could and can catch anybody. Even himself. No one has been able to catch him. The address on his driver's license is a vacant lot and I know he kills people. Only bad people I'm pretty sure.

Only people was the culprit was me and for Range to catch me we'd have to speak and we weren't doing that. Even in Ranger's cryptic one word messages. Bubkis.

"No. Just give me the new FTAs." Connie handed me two files from the top of a small stack.

"It just two easy ones. The usual Mooner." Mooner was this guy I'd gone to high school with only he was still in his smoke-anything-dude phase. He was still a nice guy and he'd helped me out a time or two. He was always pretty easy to find. Mostly he just forgot because he was stoned. More than once I'd taken him to his court date just so I wouldn't have to drag him in again. "And this guy, Enzo Platz. He works for that boat repair place mover on Cilborne, lives above the stored, alone. Drunken disorderly. Mama lives in the 'Burg."

"Thank God, Mooner's always easy cash."

"Rent late?"

"Car insurance." Connie choked on her coffee.

"How do you even i get /i insured?"

I shrugged and left to go find The Mooner.

When I found him he was cruising the mall with Grandma Mazur who'd just bought a cell phone from one of Mooner's buddies. I had them meet me at the Tastee Bakery, I needed a crumpet fix. I handed Grandma Mazur off to one of her cronies—they went to go see Chester Blumburg's wake—gorged with Mooner.

"What's that smell," he asked on the way to the station. "It smells like a beauty salon."

Luckily the entire time I was there Morelli was nowhere to be found and nobody even asked me about him. Unfortunately, my luck didn't hold. I left Mooner to be bonded out again by Vinnie and took my body receipt.

Out in the parking lot I saw a huge group of cops huddled around something smoking. As I walked closer I realized it was my car. Some one dashed over with a fire extinguisher and I tried to put it out but it blazed up and took off my eye brows.

I kinda let it burn after that. I sat on the ground with my head on my knees and watched my tenth Honda CRV go the way of the rest.

Eddie Garzza, an old friend of mine and a cop, sat down next to me. "Should I go get the marshmallows? Or Morelli?"

He handed me a tissue and I realized I was crying. I gave up and sobbed into my hands. I'd been crying for a while when a hands stroked my hair and was starting to stop when I heard, "hey, cupcake, why is it coming out in chunks? That's kinda nasty."

I sat up and stared at the pile of my hair in Joe's hand. It was kinda nasty. I grabbed as much as I could quickly and stood. "I gotta go."

"What's this about Steph? Who blew up your car this time?"

"I don't know Joe." I yelled over my shoulder but he was following and his legs are a lot longer than mine.

"That's not gonna cut it, damnit. I need to know who I'm supposed to be protecting you from."

That pissed me off. Normally I liked being protected. When things went wrong I ran to Joe, or to Ranger. Hell, I'd even called Vinnie in a pinch. But he'd said it like it was his job, like he didn't have a choice and he hated it. All of which was kinda true. He was a cop so protecting people was his job, he didn't really have a choice. And he'd always been very open about hating my chosen career path. It was more of a road block to our making it work fulltime than even my fear of commitment. Well, ok maybe.

"You don't have to protect me from anything. I can take care of myself."

"Since when?"

So what if he had a point? I've lived alone for years, I've never regretted being divorced, but if I didn't feel like doing my laundry I can just take it to my mom. If I dodn't have any food or feel like pizza I can always go home. And I do, a lot. It's expected, at times even required. And Morelli mooched too so that made his accusation unfair.

Just then Ranger's black truck pulled up and he hopped out.

"Fine. You and Ranger team up to protect me from myself and decide my life and when it's over you just tell me what I'm supposed to do. It shouldn't take long. The two of you actually agree on the major points anyway." I stopped into the station house to find a mirror so I could find out what had happened to my hair.

It wasn't pretty. And that was just before lunch.