The Second Best Bed

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Nothing is as it seems. Everything's eventual. Something will happen…

Pairing: To be discovered…

Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine they belong to Aaron Sorkin and John Wells productions etc.

Notes: This is our first cooperative fan-fiction, and it is in the form of a screenplay. This will be posted in five parts (Teaser, Act 1….)

Notes2: Some characterizations may seem a little off …Believe us! Stick with it! It's deliberate!

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. OVAL OFFICE—NIGHT

Jed Bartlet sits smiling at his desk, finished with his "friends". Lazily he stands up.

BARTLET

Charlie!

CHARLIE walks into the room. Bartlet staggers to where his assistant stands.

BARTLET

I'm..going…bed. 'nighty nighty.

BARTLET gives a strange grin as he opens the glass door and leaves Charlie speechless in the oval. CHARLIE walks into the front office and see's DEBBIE

CUT TO:

INT. OUTER OFFICE—CONTINUOUS

CHARLIE approaches Debbie's desk. She looks up at him.

DEBBIE

How is the president doing?

CHARLIE

Debbie, I think we need a new euphemism.

DEBBIE

For what, Charlie?

CHARLIE

Lets just say that Eagle is soaring

DEBBIE

You mean soaring…as in what I was doing as I flew to Asia to pick out my Alpacas, or what I was doing afterwards when I realized I had just spent my life savings on a bunch of furry animals?

CHARLIE

Debbie, I'll just say that he's on Air Force One right now, but only in the figurative sense.

DEBBIE

Oh God, I better alert the agents.

DEBBIE speaks into a walkie talkie as we

CUT TO:

EXT. WALKWAY—SAME TIME

As BARTLET staggers down the side hallway to the residence, the agents watch him worriedly.

AGENT ONE

(into radio)

Eagle's Soaring! I repeat. Eagle is flying high!

The agents hurriedly communicate this communication to each other. Now they all appear, guiding the president safely to the residence. As BARTLET opens the DOOR to the residence, he slips and falls with a loud crash.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BARTLET BEDROOM—SAME TIME

Abbey lays in bed under the covers. Leo is just putting on his shoes and socks as he sits in a chair nearby. They hear a noise. LEO gives ABBEY a worried look. Abbey keeps her eyes closed, Listening to the loud crash.

ABBEY

Oh God, its Jethro. Hurry, get under the bed.

LEO

Abbey…

ABBEY

Under it. NOW!

ABBEY Sits with her legs crossed on the bed, a smile on her face, when her husband opens the door and staggers in.

ABBEY

Honey, did you find Leo's bourbon he keeps in his desk? Cause' you look drunk.

JED

Abigail! My, your breasts are amazing!

ABBEY

I know dear, but your usually subtler about the subject…

JED

And where the devil is Jerold! The Butler!

ABBEY

Oh, please don't tell me…

JED

Hello Abigail! I am Lord John Marbary!

ABBEY

Jed…you've already greeted me. Jed, have you…Have you been…

JED

Jed? Jed!? Why Abby, this is your lord. Bow to me and fetch me a drink. When your husband gets here' we can discuss the socio-economic issues of the Indian sub-continent and have a gay old time!

ABBEY

Oh no. Snap out of it! Snap out of it Jethro!

As ABBEY proceeds to smack the president across the head, he falls onto the bed on top of her. Sensing his moment, LEO crawls out, blows a kiss to Abbey and sneaks out the opened door.

CUT TO:

INT. WEST WING—MAIN LOBBY---TWO DAYS LATER

TOBY punches in his ID as he checks in. He is greeted by GINGER.

GINGER

So, how was your day off with Sam?

TOBY

Fine. We had to take care of a few things.

GINGER

Really? Because Josh said that you said that you guys were going to Boston for the day.

TOBY

(Getting annoyed)

We did.

SAM punches in his ID and walks through security, and proceeds to Toby and Ginger.

SAM

Good morning cute face. Oh, hi Ginger.

TOBY glares at SAM. Ginger eyes to two men, then looks at their hands. She gasps.

GINGER

Oh my God! CJ's gonna kill you!

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY DANISH CART—SECONDS LATER

All of the senior staff assistants are gathered around. GINGER is finishing her spiel.

GINGER

…So then I look at their hands and on both of their right hands there's a-

Suddenly DEBBIE walks in. She has an accusatory expression on her face.

DEBBIE

All of you ladies work for very important people. The West Wing is no place for gossip.

They all look back with hurt puppy faces.

DEBBIE

So lets all take a walk outside and you can fill me in!

The posse grabs every last Danish as Josh nears the cart. By the time he gets there, there are none left. He glances at the posse farther down the hall and mutters incoherently as we

CUT TO:

INT. CJ'S OFFICE—THE NEXT MORNING

CJ sits in her chair, feet propped up on the desk. A copy of The National Enquirer is in her hands. TOBY and SAM enter her office.

CJ

Wow, are you photogenic! There has to be at least…

CJ opens to the next page

CJ

Oh my God! You kissed! In front of the National Enquirer!

SAM

Well, it was our wedding

TOBY

We think the priest had a hidden camera.

CJ

None of that matters on Hard Copy!

TOBY

This was just a tabloid…

CJ

Oh, it was just a tabloid! Just a tabloid! Well, in case you forgot Kathy Lee Gifford supports child labor and Roseanne Barr enjoys burping contests at cast meetings! And now the president's speechwriters have just gotten hitched in La La Land New England! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!

TOBY

America is ready, CJ. Besides, we're in love.

CJ

Well that has got to be the kinkiest thing I've ever heard.

SAM

I do love him, CJ

CJ

Don't you even say anything Smutzy wussy pants! Only four years ago you were with a prostitute, a woman I might add, and that alone gave fifty journalists their jobs Back! THIS MIGHT JUST JUMP START THE WHOLE STINKIN ECONOMY!

TOBY

We're glad to assist. But CJ, this isn't that serious.

CJ

Why not?

SAM

A couple of things for you to think about: First of all, what we did was legal-

CJ

In the land of Paul Revere!!

SAM

Yes, but legal all the same. And second of all, The White House does not comment on staff's personal lives and or discriminate against people's choices in mates, excetra…

CJ

(Like Ice)

Et. Cetera. Half a decade with the president should have taught you that.

SAM

Thus, we did not participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter unethical, Immoral or suspect.

CJ

Do you and Josh Lyman have weekly geeky lawer parties!? Because that is exactly what he said about you just five years ago!

TOBY

You're overreacting.

CJ

Am I?

SAM

Yes.

CJ

Well, see that is where you are wrong Sparky.

SAM

How?

CJ

First of all, this is the White House, not the Purple House. And second of all, Although myself or any one of your co-workers may not have a problem with your arrangement, and most likely would be congratulating you in any other setting, the fact is that this just gives the republicans another bullet to fire at us during the midterms.

TOBY

CJ, we've had bullets before. And they didn't exactly work against us politically speaking.

CJ

Your right Toby. Isn't it nice when we can resolve our conflicts all in one meeting? Its like we're scripted or something.

SAM

So everything's okay?

CJ smiles.

CJ

Yeah. Its okay.

TOBY

You mean your fine?

CJ

No problem.

SAM

But you were just…

CJ

Guys…its fine. Go on. Do what ever it is you do. Have a nice day.

SAM and TOBY walk out of the office. As they walk out, they have a short conversation.

SAM

Bi-Polar?

TOBY

Either that or she has amnesia.

SAM

My office…twenty minutes.

TOBY

Make that ten.

END ACT TWO