The Second Best Bed

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Nothing is as it seems. Everything's eventual. Something will happen...

Pairing: To be discovered...

Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine they belong to Aaron Sorkin and John Wells productions etc.

Notes: This is our first cooperative fan-fiction, and it is in the form of a screenplay. This will be posted in five parts (Teaser, Act 1....)

Notes2: Some characterizations may seem a little off ...Believe us! Stick with it! It's deliberate!

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. TOBY'S OFFICE—THAT NIGHT

SAM is on the internet. Toby hovers behind him. They are on the "Ellen" web site.

SAM

Toby, this is a bad idea.

TOBY

Oh, you didn't like it...

SAM

No, that was a great idea. I'm talking about this.

TOBY

Sam, if we don't script Josh's appearance it could bring down the entire the entire country. Heck, we'd probably have a secret plan to fight the Canadians.

SAM

Well, we probably do, don't we?

TOBY

Yeah.

SAM scrolls down on site.

SAM

It says here that Ellen likes to dance with her guests.

TOBY

God we're doomed.

SAM

But Josh likes to dance, right?

TOBY

Sam...have you ever seen Josh dance?

SAM

We're doomed.

TOBY

Alright, probable question time.

SAM

'Josh, in a typical day, what do you do...in ya know, a Typical, uh, day.'

TOBY

Wow, sam, you could be a talk show host right there.

SAM

And Josh would say: 'Well, Ellen, in a typical day I might have several meetings with various congressmen, Brush up on some notes on a bill, and then spend a few Hours with the president.

TOBY

I can hear the snoring audience from here.

SAM

So, what should we do, tell them the truth?

TOBY

Every morning I come to the white house greeted with The alabaster face of my secret crush...

SAM

You know I heard that she's a robot-

TOBY

Oh, Sam, that's just for when she's on vacations.

SAM

The white house doesn't have enough money for fruit baskets for fired folks Josh deams as basket cases?

TOBY

Nope. Anyway, after her alabaster face I blabber my way through meetings as I gush out my plethora of Perfect score vocabulary as I watch my ego rise to the Stratesphere.

SAM

Later when I brief the president of all the mistakes I've Made I either charm him with banter or erupt at him from my post tramatic stress disorder.

TOBY

After my day is done I blow off some steam by screaming at various building around DC-

SAM

You heard about that too?

TOBY

Yeah.

SAM

Should we give it to him?

TOBY

Yeah. But take out the PTSD part, that was kind of mean.

SAM

Toby with a heart. That's why I love you so much.

TOBY

Go to hell.

INT. OVAL OFFICE—EARLY NEXT MORNING

BARTLET sits at his desk, reading a document intently. CHARLIE enters the room.

CHARLIE

Sir, Leo is here to see you.

BARTLET

Come hither, Charles.

CHARLIE steps closer, realizing that the president is still confused.

CHARLIE

Sir, you only call me Charles when...

BARTLET

Charles, all you ever say to me is that My butler wishes to see me. You're all 'Leopold is waiting' and 'Leopold is on the phone', and frankly, I wish you would speak your mind once in a while.

BARTLET remains at his desk. CHARLIE walks into LEO's office, and we follow him.

CUT TO:

INT. LEO'S OFFICE—CONTINUOUS

LEO is at his desk.

LEO

Hey Charlie.

CHARLIE

Leo, the president, he thinks he is Lord John Marbury. Again.

LEO

I see.

CHARLIE

Isn't...Isn't this identity crisis a sign?

LEO

A sign of what?

CHARLIE whispers loudly.

CHARLIE

Of the MS. Its progression, the multiple personality Syndrome Abbey talked about...

LEO

So your saying that the president's MS is progressing Rapidly toward an icky ending.

CHARLIE

Sir, did you just say icky?

LEO

I believe I did. And if you have a problem with it Just remember that I am lovable Leo McGarrey. And Everyone loves me.

CHARLIE

Sir, lately you've been acting differently.

LEO

But everyone loves me Charlie. I'm lovable Leo, the wonderful lovable Leo, aren't I? AREN'T I!

CHARLIE

Its just that lately sir, you've been acting like Your...like your...

LEO leans forward, bringing his lips close to CHARLIE's ear as he whispers...

LEO

Like I'm an Alien?

Suddenly the wind outside begins to howl as LEO erupts in mad laughter. Lighting strikes nearby and the thunder is deafening. CHARLIE slowly creeps away from LEO as LEO pulls at something at the side of his face, finally tearing off his skin, revealing a gray slimy countenance beneath. He shouts, still with the same voice.

LEO

Margaret!

MARGARET opens the door and steps in, revealing that she too is an Alien.

LEO

Bring me my jet pack! We are to return to the pod!

MARGARET

Yes sir.

LEO

We have been discovered!

MARGARET

I shall bring my meticulously sharpened pencils to use As our get away weapons!

As CHARLIE stands agape, LEO and MARGARET put on their jet packs, and with the push of a button and the crack of lightning they elevate themselves and fly forward, crashing through Leo's office window and flying out into the stormy night.

CUT TO:

INT. JOSH'S OFFICE—SAME TIME

JOSH is drinking some bottled water. Suddenly there is a knock at his door.

DELIVERY PERSON

Special delivery!

JOSH gets up and opens the door. A tall shipping box greets him.

JOSH

Ahh, finally.

JOSH tears through the packaging, finally revealing a stoic face of DONNA2 staring back at him.

JOSH

Now the switch must be here somewhere...

JOSH fiddles with the robot, finally flicking the switch located behind DONNA2's ear. She begins to talk.

DONNA2

Hello Joshua. I am Donna. Before employing my Services you must perform the Verbal Communications Program. This program consists of a conversation Which will train my ears to your style of speaking. To Begin please say 'now'

JOSH

Do I say it now?

DONNA2

Hello.

JOSH

Hey.

DONNA2

What sort of jobs must I complete?

JOSH

A bunch of things.

DONNA2

Things.

JOSH

Okay...

DONNA2

Okay. Hello Josh.

JOSH

Look, I don't have much time for this, why...

DONNA2

Look.

JOSH

Do I have to get you to say every word in the English Language before you're trained?

DONNA2

Notes use of sarcasm.

JOSH

Yeah...

DONNA2

Verbal training complete. Notes heavy use of 'thing' 'yeah' and 'okay'. Thank you.

JOSH

Okay, I'm just gonna fix the air conditioner now.

DONNA2

And I'm gonna call a repairman. Remember your filming on the Ellen DeGenerous show in just over an hour.

JOSH

Yeah...

DONNA2

I'll get you a cab. Their filming right here in DC for a special.

JOSH

Where?

DONNA2

The reflecting pool at the Lincoln memorial.

JOSH

Really?

DONNA2

Yep.

CUT TO:

INT. BARTLET BEDROOM---SAME TIME.

ABBEY is at her desk, finishing a letter. The storm continues to rage outside. Finishing up, she places the letter on their pillow. As she is about to grab her suitcase when their bedroom window shatters and a bullet-like pencil wizzes past her ear, splicing into the bedpost. ABBEY watches in awe out the window, where LEO and MARGARET are laughing manically while hovering with their jetpacks.

LEO

I'll met by Stormlight, proud Abigail. Now come to the window or Margaret shall heave a second hexed pencil at your ravishing countenance.

ABBEY

But Leo, you're...you're so slimy...

As ABBEY backs into the darkness away from the window, LEO screams and tummels into the bedroom, taking ABBEY into his arms as she screams. Together the three fly out the window, into the stormy night. Lightning flash!

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE—CONTINUOUS

BARTLET (well, sort of) is at the desk. There is a lightning flash and he suddenly looks up.

BARTLET w/ MARBURY COMPLEX

Abigail...

END OF ACT THREE