The Second Best Bed

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Nothing is as it seems. Everything's eventual. Something will happen...

Pairing: To be discovered...

Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine they belong to Aaron Sorkin and John Wells productions etc.

Notes: This is our first cooperative fan-fiction, and it is in the form of a screenplay. This will be posted in five parts (Teaser, Act 1....)

Notes2: Some characterizations may seem a little off ...Believe us! Stick with it! It's deliberate!

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

EXT. WASHINGTON MONUMENT-DAY OF FILMING

JOSH is wandering around with Donna2, wondering why he can't find the show. Donna2 follows him with a silent knowing smirk.

JOSH
Where the heck is that lady?!

DONNA2
Well, like I told you, the Lincoln Memorial.

JOSH
Exactly! I know these places! I shout at them!

DONNA2
So show me the Lincoln memorial.

JOSH
Its right...right...oh God. Outsmarted by an AssistaBot.

DONNA2
A what!

JOSH
Nothing.

DONNA2
Did you bring the script?

JOSH
Toby and Sam's baby?

DONNA2
Yeah, and you better use it too. No more secret plans or accusations of tax fraud from on high...

JOSH
All right, all right. Show me the way.

DONNA2
Follow thy leader, Joshua.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE-DAY

BARTLET is getting up from his desk in a panic. Secret Service Agents are storming the room. BWMC=Bartlet with Marbury Complex

BARTLET W/M Complex
What the devil is going on?

BUTTERFIELD
Sir...calm down. The First Lady's been kidnapped.

BWMC
Abigail? Oh but her glorious breasts!

BUTTERFIELD
Sir?

BWMC
What are ye waiting for! We must search for her! Bring the Torches, kill the beast!

BUTTERFIELD
Sir, it's not that simple. She was kidnapped by...

BWMC
What was that? I didn't here you.

BUTTERFIELD
Sir, it was Leo.

BWMC
Jerold? The Butler stole my Breasts? What the devil was he thinking?

BUTTERFIELD takes some pills out of his pocket and hands them to the President, who swallows.

BUTTERFIELD
Sir, I think you need these.

BWMC
Thanks chap.

CUT TO:

INT. Hallway West Wing-DAY

CAROL and CJ are walking down the hallway.

CAROL
CJ, whats going on? There's agents everywhere!

CJ
I don't know Carol. Probably a sniper or something.

CAROL
So where are we going again?

CJ
We need to talk to Sam and Toby. Its urgent.

They approach the window, blinds closed, to Toby's office. Suddenly a hand reaches through the blinds and slides down the window, leaving a streak of clear surrounded by mist.

CAROL
Is it that urgent?

CJ
I guess not.

CUT TO:

EXT. LINCOLN MEMORIAL-DAY

ELLEN has her show set up in front of the reflecting pool. She is sitting cross-legged on her chair. The storm is off in the distance.

ELLEN
And now I'd like to introduce to you, the man once described as

The second hottest guy in the Bartlet administration, Deputy Chief

Staff : Josh Lyman.

Josh walks on stage waving and then greets Ellen. Donna2 is on the side watching and shaking her head as Josh struts up to Ellen.

JOSH
Hi Ellen.

ELLEN
Hi Josh. Have a seat.

Josh sits down in a chair next to Ellen.

ELLEN
So Josh how would you describe a typical day in the White House?

Josh start to read off the Teleprompter.

JOSH
Well Ellen, every morning I come to the white house greeted with

The alabaster face of my secret crush...

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. STORMY SKY-SAME TIME

LEO is flying next to MARGARET, ABBEY in his hands. ABBEY keeps glancing up at LEO's face, not exactly hating him.

ABBEY
So where are we going slimy leopold...never never land?

MARGARET
Try Mandyville, roadkill head

ABBEY
Whats wrong with my hair?

LEO
Absolutely nothing, my sweet. It smells of graphite and pine.

MARGARET
Uh, yeah.

Suddenly two F-15 fighter jets pull up beside them. One of them shouts from an electronic loudspeaker.

PILOT
Chief of Staff Leo McGarry. The President has ordered you to release his breasts!

ABBEY
Oh how primal.

LEO
Margaret, attack!

Suddenly MARGARET is firing pencils at the fighter jet, splicing through the armor. The jets go on red alert.

PILOT2
Pull away! Retreat! Its not worth the effort!

ABBEY
Hey!

PILOT
Save your skin!

PILOT2
Okay!

PILOT
No, I was talking to the first lady.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. SET OF ELLEN-STORM APPROACHING

ELLEN continues to interview JOSH

JOSH
...So after my ego returns from the stratosphere I continue to advise my colleagues, usually saying intelligent things like if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure...

ELLEN
Uh huh...now talk some more about that one person you worked with, your obvious crush....

JOSH
Joey Lucas?

ELLEN
Hey, you said it, not me.

JOSH
Well, of all the things I've learned from Joey, I think the most important is that low voter turnout means that there are fewer people going to the polls.

ELLEN
So lets talk about the environment. What is the Bartlet message?

JOSH
As I always say...it isn't the pollution that is harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

ELLEN
Now, president Bartlet is a noted economist. Have you learned anything from your boss regarding our financial system.

JOSH
(Still reading from the Sam/Toby script)
Actually yes. Not only do we have a secret plan to fight inflation, but the vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

CUT TO:

INT. TOBY'S OFFICE-SAME TIME

SAM and TOBY are watching Josh on the TV.

SAM
I can't believe he fell for this. Does he realize he's making a...well a bigger fool of himself?

TOBY
I don't know, but that string of Ritchie quotes you fed to him turned out to be perfect. I can't believe he kept reading it!

SAM
I'm just so glad the re-election is over. Now we can have him say anything we want him too...and it doesn't matter!

TOBY
I know! Why do we even work here if there isn't another election?

SAM
I don't know. Lets quit and elope to Montreal.

TOBY
Good idea. But we already did elope.

SAM
Then make it our honeymoon!

TOBY
You got it...good bye DC life...Canada, we are there!

CUT TO:

EXT. ELLEN SHOW-SAME TIME

JOSH continues.

JOSH
...so in the end, NASA's search for life boils down to one thing. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen, it means we can breathe!

ELLEN
And that is wonderful. Now, whats your reaction to the recent gay marriages across the country.

JOSH
Well, Ellen, obviously...

Suddenly the sound of jet packs is heard zooming across the sky. The congregation looks upwards.

ELLEN
It's a swan!

DONNA
Its flying roadkill!

JOSH
Its...so slimy...

Then they come into view, Slimy Leo dragging the first lady across the reflecting as MARGARET follows with evil red eyes. At the same time the presidential motorcade pulls up beside the Ellen show set. Bartlet comes out and runs out with Josh and Donna to the edge of the reflecting pool.

BartletWMC
Hand over my melons you toad!

LEO
Not until you say your sorry!

BARTLETWMC
I would never apologize to an illegal alien!

LEO
I was supposed to be president! I was supposed to summon

My people to land here! I would lead the human race to peace with the pod people! But you ruined it! And now I have Abigail and we shall create our own race of homosapian pod people....homopods...to inhabit and take over the earth!

BWMC
Oh my God.

ABBEY
Jethro! You snap out of it now! You are not Lord John Marbury! You are the President of the United states! You are President Bartlet!

Now all of the staff members step out of the car and stare at the president, except for Toby and Sam who have run off to Montreal.

DONNA
I serve at the pleasure of the President!

JOSH
I serve at the pleasure of the President!

CHARLIE
I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet

ED
I serve at your pleasure

LARRY
I know sweat pea.

CJ
I serve...oh God how corny.

CJ walks right up and knocks one on the presidents head. Now he snaps out of it.

BARTLET
Claudia Jean, did you just slap the president?

CJ
Yes sir, I did. Its because we're scared sir, we need our pres- I need a presi-

BARTLET
Shut up...I know, it was overdone the first time and this is just painful.

CJ
Sorry sir.

BARTLET
By order of the president...I order YOU Chief of Staff Leo McGarry to hand over my Abbey!

ABBEY
That's My Bartlet!

Suddenly we zoom out to reveal Abbey's winking face is actually on a television screen. An announcer continues.

ANNOUNCER
And that's the end of Tonight's episode of "That's my Bartlet". Stay tuned for scenes of next weeks episode, where the fate of the President's first lady will be decided...and someone else will be kidnapped, while the federal government...shuts down!

CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL: Television is in the Bartlet bedroom, where the president and the first lady are watching from their bed.

ABBEY
I can't believe you only cared about my...

BARTLET
I was being Lord John Marbury! Didn't you pay attention?

ABBEY
They lost me at the Toby and Sam duet.

BARTLET
I thought that Julia Roberts made a very nice looking first lady...

ABBEY
Harrison Ford made a better looking president.

BARTLET
Oh, go block a bill.

ABBEY
I think Nicole Kidman as RoboDonna was a little over the top though.

BARTLET
And I'd take Sean Connery as my chief of staff any day.

ABBEY
Unfortunately I think Vin Diesel was too good...it is definitely Josh's future.

BARTLET
Hair loss. Crime, boy, I don't know...

FADE TO BLACK:

END OF SHOW