CHAPTER TEN

Rain came pouring down

When I was drowning, that's when I could finally breathe

And by morning

Gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

~ Taylor Swift, Clean

BPOV

Cherry. Grape. Green olive.

All things the various new apps on my phone have told me the size of the tiny little one in my uterus was currently the size of. All miscellaneous words that shouldn't have caused me to burst into tears this morning in the shower, but that didn't stop the hormones that were constantly flooding my body from making my eyes water.

Ever since the ultrasound last week where I got to actually see the little cherry with my own eyes all I did was cry whenever I thought about it. Which was a majority of the time. There was always an undercurrent of anxiety, a nearly overwhelming fear that I would do something wrong or I would do everything right and still something would happen to the little grape. But that fear faded away a little bit week by week when all was still well.

Overruling that anxiety was an unbelievably overwhelming excitement I hadn't been prepared for. All of the fears I had of being pregnant or having a baby were still there, but I was somehow excited to face them now. I was looking forward to changing a diaper for the first time and I was stupidly excited to wake up in the middle of the night to feed my baby.

The constant vomiting didn't even put a damper on my excitement.

"I thought you were asleep," Edward said, walking into the bedroom and dropping a kiss to the top of my head.

I sat in the small living area of our room, dogs on either side of me on the couch. I grabbed for my tablet and notebook before they could fall off as Gus jumped off without Edward even having to ask him to so he could sit beside me. I gave Lady's fluffy head a good scratch before she wandered off to find where her brother had gone off to.

"I was," I admitted. I had gone to bed embarrassingly early. Because along with the constant nausea I was also constantly exhausted. "Then I spent fifteen minutes throwing up and couldn't go back to sleep."

Edward sighed, arm falling over my shoulders as he pulled me into his side. "Do you feel okay now?"

I nodded, reaching up to press a kiss to his cheek. "Yeah. I've been planning."

"Planning what?"

I sat up straighter, tossing my tablet onto the coffee table and grabbing my notebook and pen. "As I was getting rid of everything in my stomach I realized I don't know how maternity leave works. I still don't, not really, but I think… I think I'm going to take a year off of work," I said hesitantly. "If you're okay with it."

I deserved the scoff and the eyeroll.

"I know," I sighed. Because he had been very blunt after we got married and had constantly told me I didn't have to work at all. "I just didn't want to not include you in the decision."

"It's your decision, Bella."

"I know," I repeated. "But it's a big one."

"It is," he agreed. "One I'm surprised you made, but it's still your choice."

I took a deep breath, organizing my own thoughts. "I love my job. But it's stressful. And sometimes takes up too much space in my brain. I just thought… It might be nice. Not to have to think about it while I'm trying to keep a tiny little human alive."

Edward fought the smile that was tugging at his lips. "If that's what you want to do, do it. You can always change your mind. Go back earlier or take more time off."

"I still want to work. Renata might tell me she doesn't want me to leave for a year, though. I don't know if–"

"Renata won't do that. Because if you leave she loses every client with the last name of Cullen."

I frowned. "I don't want to blackmail her into saving my job."

"It's not blackmail. It's just a fact."

"If I take the time off do you promise to cooperate with whoever fills in for me? For you and for the show?"

Edward was quiet for a minute, eyes squinting for a moment like he didn't realize me not working meant he would need someone to fill in for me. Personally, I hated the idea of him working with someone else. It left me with an uneasy knot of jealousy that I knew was irrational, but it was still there. That knot was good friends with the ball of anxiety that settled in my stomach at the idea of Edward simply not having a publicist at all for a year.

"I will… try to cooperate," Edward forced out.

"I was thinking of asking Alistair. I'm sure Leon will try to find someone else for the show, though."

Edward nodded, hand tense on my shoulder.

"Are you only agreeing because I'm currently making a tiny human in my uterus?"

Edward huffed out a laugh, finally smiling down at me. "Yes."

I nodded. "I'm okay with that."

He gave me a serene smile. "I'm glad you're taking time off."

"Because you know I have no idea how to keep another human alive and need all the time I can to figure it out?"

"No," he said firmly. "Because you work too hard. But, I do have a slightly work-related question for you. One I'm surprised you haven't asked yet."

My head cocked to the side.

"Did you have a plan for announcing the pregnancy?"

"Oh," I gasped. "Oh." I didn't. I had a plan for just about everything. Except that. "No."

The shock was obvious and a little adorable on his face. "Lucky for you, I do." He looked far too pleased with his plan, which meant it wasn't a simple one. Or one I probably would have ever come up with myself. "I think you should come on the show."

I had to admit that his idea for me to go on his show the last time had worked out wonderfully. It was a tactic I never would have come up with myself, just like this one. Because I would have recommended a simple press release that requested our privacy.

Edward's plan would give people just enough insight that maybe the next morning the press wouldn't be full of articles assuming this pregnancy wasn't planned or that I was trying to trap my husband.

An absolutely ridiculous thought process that I knew far too many people would follow.

Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones or the proud smile on my husband's face, but I couldn't think of a better way. "Okay."

"Really?"

I chuckled at his surprise. "You can't get me drunk this time."

Edward let out a loud chortle and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. "What else have you planned?"

I shrugged, flipping through my notebook. "Not a lot. Oh! Did you know there's a three year waitlist to get into Bright Horizons? That's where Masen and Lucy went to preschool, right? I tried to get on the waitlist but I have no name or gender or any information to actually get on the–"

I was cut off with a kiss. One that had my thoughts quickly scatter.

"You're fucking adorable," Edward breathed out, lips brushing mine as he spoke.

"I just… want to be prepared."

"I know. And I love you and your lists and your desire to plan three years in advance, but the Cullen name is extremely helpful in bypassing waitlists. I did not have Masen or Lucy on a waitlist before they were born."

"Oh," I sighed. "Yeah. That makes sense." I opened my mouth to say something that quickly got lost in a yawn.

"I think that's enough planning for tonight," Edward said gently, standing up and grabbing my hand. He pulled me to bed, getting me situated before wandering off to get himself ready.

I was half asleep by the time he got in beside me, but lucid enough to plaster myself to his side. Even though I was exhausted, my eyes popped open to look at him. At the green eyes I hoped our baby inherited and the mess of hair I hadn't spent nearly enough time tugging at lately. Leaning up I pressed a kiss to his lips once, twice, three times before I wrapped my fingers through his hair.

I hooked my leg lazily around his hip, sighing into the kiss when his palm slid up my thigh. Only to huff out a breath when he pulled away.

"You're exhausted, Bella."

"But I want you," I breathed out. I was exhausted. But I was also not a fan of the weeks blurring together until it had been far too long since I had been with my husband.

"I want you," he agreed. "All of the time, really. But not when you can't even keep your eyes open."

I popped my eyes back open, not even realizing they had closed.

A warm hand cupped my cheek. Edward pressed one last chaste kiss to my lips before I was out.

.M.

"You don't think they'll be upset, do you?" I asked Edward for the sixth time this evening. I sat across from him at the kitchen counter, peeling my third clementine of the evening. Up until a few weeks ago I had been fairly indifferent on the citrus fruit. Now, I ate at least three a day. Even when dinner was in half an hour.

"They won't be upset," Edward said, stirring the pot of chili on the stove before turning back toward me. He grabbed the clementine out of my hand and ripped the peel I had been struggling with for two minutes off in one quick pull. I frowned at his cocky wink.

He was annoyingly nice. All the time. When I cried for no reason, when I woke up in the middle of the night to throw up, when all I could do in the evening was pass out in bed, he was always there with a patient smile or a shoulder to cry on or a cold compress for my forehead.

"Are you sure? I don't want… I don't want them to think I'm trying to replace them or anything."

Because I knew the feeling of being replaced.

"They won't," he told me, covering the pot of food and coming to stand beside me. He twisted me on my stool, turning me so I stared up at him. His hands cupped my cheeks, smiling down at me as I chewed my clementine. "I told them we were trying a few months ago. They might not expect it to have happened so soon, because I sure as fuck didn't, but they're not going to be upset."

Edward pressed a kiss to my cheek and I popped another slice of fruit in my mouth. For as nervous as I was about their reaction I was excited about finally telling somebody about the baby.

It was still early. We weren't going to tell the whole family until I was twelve weeks along, just to be safe, but Masen was home for the week for his spring break. And when I mentioned telling Masen and Lucy first while he was home, Edward had quietly agreed. Giving me that soft, gentle smile and thanking me for thinking of them.

The sound of frantic paws scratching against the floor and high pitched barking snapped me out of my mind. Masen arrived, a car full of laundry and luggage with him and Lucy got here only a few minutes after her brother.

It was easy to act natural, given the conversation that centered on college campuses and fraternities and sororities. I held my husband's hand and ate two bowls of chili and listened to their stories with a smile on my face, only freezing when Edward squeezed my thigh.

"Bella and I had something we wanted to tell you, guys," Edward started, eyes drifting over to me.

We should have rehearsed it, actually saying it. Because now my throat was dry and tight and I wasn't sure if I could actually talk. Saying it, telling people, made it that much more real. Especially when those people were Masen and Lucy.

"Bella's pregnant," Edward said gently, smiling over at me.

It was a blur of activity and gasps. Lucy pulled me up and into a hug. Masen literally lifted me off of my feet into a tight embrace. And I had the sudden, crushing realization that absolutely no one related to me would be as happy about this baby as these two kids were.

I pushed the thought away, but it had been lingering in the back of my mind for weeks. The fact that I had a father and step siblings that would be related to the little apricot growing inside of me. It never left me feeling as elated as this moment with Masen and Lucy. It usually left me nauseous.

Sitting at that table, Edward's arm resting lazily across the back of my chair while his children argued over whether a boy or girl was better, wasn't the time to be thinking of them.

"You okay?" Edward whispered against my ear.

I gave him the most convincing smile I could manage. "Yeah," I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Do you know what you want, Bella?" Lucy asked, smiling over at me. "Boy or girl?"

"Oh," I gasped. "I hadn't really thought about it." It wasn't a lie either. I had been completely focused on actually creating the little bugger than I hadn't thought about it one way or the other.

"It'll be a girl," Edward said confidently.

I turned to him, brows raised. "You want a girl?"

He shrugged, shooting me a subtle wink. "I want whatever we have. I'm happy either way, but it'll be a girl."

.M.

Later that night, I managed to stay up past my new embarrassingly early bed time. I wandered into the bedroom, flicking off the ensuite light only to find Edward already in bed. He was face down in the center of the bed, chest bare and a pair of loose black sweatpants low on his hips.

I leaned against the doorway and watched him for a minute. He didn't have a tiny little one inside of him taking all of his energy, but he had me to deal with. And he had done just about everything possible for me from the moment I told him I was pregnant. He made me breakfast every morning, something much more substantial than my usual cup of coffee and toast that used to be my go-to. He had held my hair back more times than I cared to admit whenever morning sickness sent me running to the nearest toilet. He promised me I'd never have to go to the doctor alone. And he did it all with a smile on his face.

I could tell his breathing wasn't even enough for him to be asleep yet so I gently settled myself on him, knees on either side of his hips. I heard a faint hum from him beneath me, one that turned into a soft moan when my fingers dug into the tense muscles of his back.

"I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be the one giving you a massage," he mumbled from beneath me.

I ignored him and pressed a kiss to one shoulder, then the other. Then his spine as my hands traveled down the length of his back. His skin kept a soft, subtle tan to it year round and I could name every freckle and scar from memory. He didn't have many, but I knew them all.

There was a cluster of freckles on his left shoulder and a scar from what he told me was a bike crash when he was twelve on his right knee. There was a single freckle on his right hip and a scar on the side of his left foot from a trip to the beach and a too-sharp seashell as a kid.

I loved every mark, every inch, and some days I couldn't believe he was mine. That the smiling, joking, beautiful man that could talk to anyone with ease and fill an hour long talk show without a minute of awkwardness wanted me back. It had to be some fluke that the man who stood on stage and hosted one of the biggest events in the country came home to me after.

That he wanted a life with me. A family with me.

There were a lot of things in my life that could fight for the title of being the worst. But somehow ending up lucky enough to marry Edward Cullen was, without a doubt, the best.

I peppered kisses along his shoulders until he carefully turned himself over underneath me. None of the exhaustion that I had assumed he was carrying around was evident on his face; his eyes were wide and bright, his breath heavy and his arousal anything but subtle between my legs as I straddled his waist.

He eyed me for a minute, asking me with a small tilt of his head if I was too tired. I got my favorite, lopsided smirk when I answered with a roll of my hips. Kissing my way down his chest I unfastened his belt with a quick tug and had his cock in my hand by my next breath.

I had absolutely nothing to compare it to, but I could honestly say it was the prettiest one I'd ever seen. And I hadn't spent nearly enough time with it lately.

Edward fell back against the bed with a huff and a string of muffled curses as soon as my tongue slid up his length from base to tip. I tossed my hair over my shoulder, eyes on the look of utter pleasure on my husband's face as I took his cock as far down my throat as I could.

"Fuck," he grunted, fingers tugging at his own hair before they ended up knotted in mine.

I pulled away only when his breathing got rough and his fingers started tensing against my scalp. I took my time kissing my way back up his chest, not able to resist smiling against the firm kiss he pulled me into.

"You think it's any different for me?" he breathed out against my cheek, lifting the soft silk slip I had put on earlier over my head. Edward situated me over his cock, pulling my hips down over him in one smooth movement as he said, "You think finding you in my dressing room that night wasn't the best goddamn thing to ever happen to me?"

I didn't have the mental capacity to realize that I had been talking more than I realized earlier, not when his hands got a firm grip on my hips and guided me over his cock. I couldn't answer him, couldn't think at all as he met every roll of my hips with a thrust of his own.

I let out a hiss, and not the fun kind, when his hands traveled up my abdomen to my breasts. Which had been constantly sore for days.

"Fuck," he grunted. "Sorry."

Shaking my head, I grabbed his hands. I threaded my fingers with his right and brought his left up to kiss the shiny silver band around his finger.

"Love you," I panted, seeing his mouth move in response but not being able to hear it through the ringing in my ears as the pressure that had been building in my abdomen snapped. His hands went to my waist, keeping me moving on his cock through my orgasm until his own.

I collapsed against his chest, listening to the frantic heartbeat underneath me until the exhaustion I was so familiar with crept up again.

.M.

It wasn't a surprise, the letter. I got them from time to time. I never responded, and some ended up in the trash without even being opened. I was a glutton for punishment today, though, so I read through the letter from Charlie thoroughly.

He was trying. Had been for years. Every letter ended in an apology after he updated me on him and his family and life in Forks. It was the ounce of effort from my father that I had hoped for nearly my entire life. It meant nothing to me now.

I held out hope for years that one day I'd be able to let it go. Maybe even forgive him for it all. I had gotten good at forgetting about it on a daily basis, living my life and not thinking about the family I had out in the world that didn't care about me.

But it wasn't just me anymore. There was a tiny little one the size of an apricot growing inside of me. Someone completely untouched by the world, who would get to grow up with a father who would do absolutely anything to protect them. With siblings, while a good twenty-years older than them, who would always be there for them. And I didn't want them to ever have to know anything other than that existed.

Coming to the conclusion that I didn't want our little one anywhere near anyone in my family was an easy decision to make. One that was simply a given from the minute I found out I was pregnant.

Cutting my ties with my family, specifically Charlie, should have happened years ago. Because deep down I knew I'd never be able to have the kind of relationship with him I had once wanted. It was just easier pushing it aside. It wasn't the kind of thing you could say in a phone call or a letter. I knew it was a conversation we'd have to have face to face.

"Another letter?" Edward asked, his voice obviously strained with a forced easiness. He had never pretended to forgive Charlie, or even tolerate him.

I nodded, setting the letter down on the small table in the foyer where we kept the mail. Turning toward Edward I asked, "Will you go to Forks with me?"

A/N: I hope you're all still enjoying these two. Because I realized the other day this little story was supposed to be about five chapters and I've gotten a little carried away again. I'm not sure how long it'll end up being, but there's definitely still a ways to go. Hope you enjoyed this and I'll see you next time!