Part 16
"I can't believe you didn't get anything done yesterday when I was at the mall," Mattie told them as they finally got into the car to drive off to North Carolina where they had rented a little house directly by the beach.
Mac looked at Harm. To say that they hadn't done anything wasn't exactly true, but it wasn't something they could tell her.
"Well, it was the first day of our vacation sort of so we wanted to take it easy," Harm said. Since they were going to live for a week in the small house they had rented, Mac and Harm had realized it would be hard to find time to relive their newfound closeness and had taken advantage of the situation with Mattie out of the apartment.
"And we're not that late."
"I guess not. It's just... I look so much forward to this, I never went on a lot of vacations..." Mattie told them "I'm so glad we're doing this all three together," she finished.
"So are we," Mac and Harm said at the same time and in total agreement.
"Now you're scaring me," Mattie said and laughed. She looked more relaxed than she had for a really long time.
"This is really nice," Mattie said when Mac sat down beside her on the porch looking out over the beach and the ocean.
"Yes, it is. Mattie... are you OK?" Mac asked. Mattie had seemed a little bit down ever since dinner. They could hear Harm working in the kitchen. Even though he had cooked dinner he hadn't let Mac or Mattie help him with the cleaning up.
"Yes," Mattie turned her head to look at her "I was just reminded of something."
Mac wanted to let Mattie tell at her own speed, so she just remained sitting there beside her and put her arm around Mattie and moved closer to her.
"It's getting cold."
"Yeah," Mattie agreed, she was looking out across the beach and the sea, the sun had already set "We did go to the beach for a vacation once, my parents and I."
"Something happened?" Mac asked carefully.
"Yeah," she made a pause "I guess I thought things would be different then. They wouldn't fight... my father wouldn't drink... Mom... but it was just the same. Only worse because I couldn't get away from it there..." Mattie was shaking a bit from the cold and Mac took off her jacket to put it around her instead "When Mom was still alive, we fought a lot, she didn't keep her promises... and... and she drank too. Not like Dad, but still..."
"Oh Mattie. I never knew that."
"No, because I didn't tell you. After she died, I think in a way I forgot about how things had really been like at home when we all lived together... I still do love her just like I did then, I'm just remembering that she wasn't perfect... just like my father isn't."
"Just like we all aren't. I'm not perfect, Harm isn't perfect and you aren't perfect. No one should expect us to be. And I know you love your parents, there isn't a doubt in my mind about that. I can see that you are beginning to come to terms with your life with them, being able to remember these things is a sign of that, I think. I can't tell you how glad I am that you're working on being able to forgive your father and... maybe your mother too?"
Mattie nodded slightly.
"You should know, it took me 15 years to get that far and I don't want that for you. I want something better for you."
They were silent and they could hear that Harm had stopped buzzing around in the kitchen, but he hadn't joined them out on the porch.
"You know I don't think I'll ever be able to figure you and Harm out."
Mac laughed "I think you have that in common with a lot of people... including us."
"Are we always going to be together like this? I mean what will happen if you or Harm start dating? Can we still live together?"
"Yes," Mac said "I know it might be hard to understand, but during the 8 years Harm and I have known each other we've been as close as two people can be, but also at times we've been oceans apart. We have a special bond, we just can't get away from each other, not even when we want to, especially not when we want to. We always end up coming back to each other." Mac looked out over the ocean. It was hard for her not being able to tell Mattie that neither she nor Harm was looking to start seeing someone else, but she had agreed with Harm not to tell her and she needed to keep that promise at least for now.
"Mac, are you in love with him? Is that why you broke up with Webb?" Mac's words had given Mattie a sudden realization.
Mac looked at her in surprise over getting the question "That is... that isn't a question I can give you the answer to."
Mattie nodded. "It's OK. I know it's really none of my business."
"Mattie, that isn't it. It's just complicated."
"Mm, isn't it always?" Mattie shivered despite Mac's jacket "Let's go inside. I'm totally ready to go to bed and it's really cold too."
"Yeah," Mac agreed and went after Mattie into the little cabin, where Harm had already gotten the beds ready for the night. Mattie and Mac were sharing the double bed and Harm had the single bed. The cabin really only had one room which was both kitchen and bedroom at the same time plus the small bathroom. It was cramped, but OK since they really didn't plan on spending especially much time there anyway, just the nights.
"Mac," Harm whispered into her ear "Mac," he said once more a little louder.
"Mm," Mac wrapped the cover tighter around herself wanting to continue to sleep.
"Mac, wake up."
"Harm, I don't want to," she told him, but it was already too late.
"Hush, be careful so you don't wake Mattie." He took her hand and practically dragged her out of the bed. Mattie was starting to move a little in her sleep, but she didn't wake up. "Get dressed, I'll wait out on the porch."
Before Mac had a chance to protest to being woken up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, he had left and she decided that she could just as well get dressed since she wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep now anyway. Two minutes later she joined Harm in front of the house.
"What took you so long?" he said and smiled at her obvious annoyance with him and the wake up.
"Hmpf. What is this all about? Why aren't you sleeping?"
"Because... I'm all alone in that bed and you're so close, yet so far away," he complained and stepped up closer to her. "And the sun will be up soon. I thought we'd watch the sunrise..." he leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. His hand found hers and they braided their fingers together. "Come one, let's go."
They started walking. Harm was carrying a bag with a blanket sticking out of it. After a while they stopped and spread out the blanket. Harm sat down and Mac joined him, sitting between his legs. He put his arms around her body and rested his head on her left shoulder and Mac put her hands above his and leaned back against him.
"Do you think Mattie's going to be OK?" Mac asked him.
"I hope so... but it sure isn't going to be easy to let her leave now. I know Mom will look after her and maybe it will be good with some change of scenery for her, but still... She isn't talking so much about how she feels with us, it's going to be hard when we can't see how she is every day."
"I know. We talked for a while yesterday," Mac told him, although she knew that he of course had noticed that.
"About what?"
"About her parents mostly. Did you know her mother had a problem with alcohol too?"
"No," Harm said and she could feel him shaking his head. "I was under the assumption she had been the one who was holding the family together."
"I guess the pressure became too much for her or something. Mattie said she hadn't remembered it before. I don't think she wanted to remember it."
"Sometimes people do that. They're in denial on the things that they can't deal with. Maybe it's a good sign that she's remembering. That she's safe enough to be able to deal with it now."
Mac sat silent and thought about what Harm had said. The meetings with her Alateen-group was obviously helping her learning to understand her feelings towards her father and her whole situation. Harm was probably right about what was happening now with her, she was just now able to recognize all the things she had to work through, because if she had earlier it would have seemed like too much to start dealing with at all. It might still have to become worse before it could be really good for her again.
"We talked about something else too."
"Mhm, about what?"
"About us. You and me. She told me she couldn't figure us out and she asked if I'm in love with you."
"Oh. What... What did you say?"
"You still don't want to tell Mattie about us, do you? I didn't really tell her anything. I'm not sure if that was right, but... What do you think I should have said? I mean I think she understood how I felt, but I didn't really even hint that we were working anything out... I thought we should tell her that together."
"I agree, I think that when we do it, we should do it together, but not yet, no. I think we should tell her when she comes back from California. How do you feel about that?"
"If that's what you think is best. In a way I agree. I think you are right, it doesn't really make that much sense to tell her now when things between us might still seem so insecure to her. Maybe she'd just be more worried if we told her now. But on the other hand, lying... I don't know it just doesn't seem right."
"But what are we going to do? I can't tell her 'Oh, Mac's spending the night at my place tonight, I hope that's OK with you'"
"No, but that's not what I meant either. I doubt that's even something she wants to know about, I'm just saying that I don't like keeping things from her like this."
"I don't like the fact that we'd be lying either, but I still think it's the best option we have. She's leaving in just over a week and then it won't be so hard... I mean we'll be able to tell her a whole lot without her really knowing and it will give us some time to really figure this thing with us out."
"Are you really sure about this?" Mac turned herself around in his embrace so she could see his face.
"Yes," Harm said and nodded.
"Good. Then I think we should start working at figuring out that thing with us..." she was silenced by Harm's lips. They were done talking for this time.
The rest of the vacation went by fast. Harm and Mac enjoyed many early mornings out on the beach watching the sunrise. Mattie was rather confused about that stating that it was the same sun that was shining all day and you didn't have to go up at such an un-human time to see it. The rest of the days they spent out on the beach sun bathing and swimming. One day they all went into the closest town and visited the little amusement park.
Mattie kept on opening up more to both Harm and Mac for the rest of the week. It made them both feel better about her leaving in just one week. She still wasn't telling them everything, but they were also learning that just because they had to drag something out of her, it didn't mean she didn't want to talk to them about it. Trish was going to make sure that she could go to the closest Ala-teen group when she was away too.
All in all the calm vacation had been very good for them. Harm and Mac were closer than ever and Mattie had been much more open with them and with herself. When they had arrived in North Carolina they, and especially Mattie, had all been exhausted, but they left the house a week later thoroughly rested and ready for the next challenges they would face.
TBC
"I can't believe you didn't get anything done yesterday when I was at the mall," Mattie told them as they finally got into the car to drive off to North Carolina where they had rented a little house directly by the beach.
Mac looked at Harm. To say that they hadn't done anything wasn't exactly true, but it wasn't something they could tell her.
"Well, it was the first day of our vacation sort of so we wanted to take it easy," Harm said. Since they were going to live for a week in the small house they had rented, Mac and Harm had realized it would be hard to find time to relive their newfound closeness and had taken advantage of the situation with Mattie out of the apartment.
"And we're not that late."
"I guess not. It's just... I look so much forward to this, I never went on a lot of vacations..." Mattie told them "I'm so glad we're doing this all three together," she finished.
"So are we," Mac and Harm said at the same time and in total agreement.
"Now you're scaring me," Mattie said and laughed. She looked more relaxed than she had for a really long time.
"This is really nice," Mattie said when Mac sat down beside her on the porch looking out over the beach and the ocean.
"Yes, it is. Mattie... are you OK?" Mac asked. Mattie had seemed a little bit down ever since dinner. They could hear Harm working in the kitchen. Even though he had cooked dinner he hadn't let Mac or Mattie help him with the cleaning up.
"Yes," Mattie turned her head to look at her "I was just reminded of something."
Mac wanted to let Mattie tell at her own speed, so she just remained sitting there beside her and put her arm around Mattie and moved closer to her.
"It's getting cold."
"Yeah," Mattie agreed, she was looking out across the beach and the sea, the sun had already set "We did go to the beach for a vacation once, my parents and I."
"Something happened?" Mac asked carefully.
"Yeah," she made a pause "I guess I thought things would be different then. They wouldn't fight... my father wouldn't drink... Mom... but it was just the same. Only worse because I couldn't get away from it there..." Mattie was shaking a bit from the cold and Mac took off her jacket to put it around her instead "When Mom was still alive, we fought a lot, she didn't keep her promises... and... and she drank too. Not like Dad, but still..."
"Oh Mattie. I never knew that."
"No, because I didn't tell you. After she died, I think in a way I forgot about how things had really been like at home when we all lived together... I still do love her just like I did then, I'm just remembering that she wasn't perfect... just like my father isn't."
"Just like we all aren't. I'm not perfect, Harm isn't perfect and you aren't perfect. No one should expect us to be. And I know you love your parents, there isn't a doubt in my mind about that. I can see that you are beginning to come to terms with your life with them, being able to remember these things is a sign of that, I think. I can't tell you how glad I am that you're working on being able to forgive your father and... maybe your mother too?"
Mattie nodded slightly.
"You should know, it took me 15 years to get that far and I don't want that for you. I want something better for you."
They were silent and they could hear that Harm had stopped buzzing around in the kitchen, but he hadn't joined them out on the porch.
"You know I don't think I'll ever be able to figure you and Harm out."
Mac laughed "I think you have that in common with a lot of people... including us."
"Are we always going to be together like this? I mean what will happen if you or Harm start dating? Can we still live together?"
"Yes," Mac said "I know it might be hard to understand, but during the 8 years Harm and I have known each other we've been as close as two people can be, but also at times we've been oceans apart. We have a special bond, we just can't get away from each other, not even when we want to, especially not when we want to. We always end up coming back to each other." Mac looked out over the ocean. It was hard for her not being able to tell Mattie that neither she nor Harm was looking to start seeing someone else, but she had agreed with Harm not to tell her and she needed to keep that promise at least for now.
"Mac, are you in love with him? Is that why you broke up with Webb?" Mac's words had given Mattie a sudden realization.
Mac looked at her in surprise over getting the question "That is... that isn't a question I can give you the answer to."
Mattie nodded. "It's OK. I know it's really none of my business."
"Mattie, that isn't it. It's just complicated."
"Mm, isn't it always?" Mattie shivered despite Mac's jacket "Let's go inside. I'm totally ready to go to bed and it's really cold too."
"Yeah," Mac agreed and went after Mattie into the little cabin, where Harm had already gotten the beds ready for the night. Mattie and Mac were sharing the double bed and Harm had the single bed. The cabin really only had one room which was both kitchen and bedroom at the same time plus the small bathroom. It was cramped, but OK since they really didn't plan on spending especially much time there anyway, just the nights.
"Mac," Harm whispered into her ear "Mac," he said once more a little louder.
"Mm," Mac wrapped the cover tighter around herself wanting to continue to sleep.
"Mac, wake up."
"Harm, I don't want to," she told him, but it was already too late.
"Hush, be careful so you don't wake Mattie." He took her hand and practically dragged her out of the bed. Mattie was starting to move a little in her sleep, but she didn't wake up. "Get dressed, I'll wait out on the porch."
Before Mac had a chance to protest to being woken up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, he had left and she decided that she could just as well get dressed since she wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep now anyway. Two minutes later she joined Harm in front of the house.
"What took you so long?" he said and smiled at her obvious annoyance with him and the wake up.
"Hmpf. What is this all about? Why aren't you sleeping?"
"Because... I'm all alone in that bed and you're so close, yet so far away," he complained and stepped up closer to her. "And the sun will be up soon. I thought we'd watch the sunrise..." he leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. His hand found hers and they braided their fingers together. "Come one, let's go."
They started walking. Harm was carrying a bag with a blanket sticking out of it. After a while they stopped and spread out the blanket. Harm sat down and Mac joined him, sitting between his legs. He put his arms around her body and rested his head on her left shoulder and Mac put her hands above his and leaned back against him.
"Do you think Mattie's going to be OK?" Mac asked him.
"I hope so... but it sure isn't going to be easy to let her leave now. I know Mom will look after her and maybe it will be good with some change of scenery for her, but still... She isn't talking so much about how she feels with us, it's going to be hard when we can't see how she is every day."
"I know. We talked for a while yesterday," Mac told him, although she knew that he of course had noticed that.
"About what?"
"About her parents mostly. Did you know her mother had a problem with alcohol too?"
"No," Harm said and she could feel him shaking his head. "I was under the assumption she had been the one who was holding the family together."
"I guess the pressure became too much for her or something. Mattie said she hadn't remembered it before. I don't think she wanted to remember it."
"Sometimes people do that. They're in denial on the things that they can't deal with. Maybe it's a good sign that she's remembering. That she's safe enough to be able to deal with it now."
Mac sat silent and thought about what Harm had said. The meetings with her Alateen-group was obviously helping her learning to understand her feelings towards her father and her whole situation. Harm was probably right about what was happening now with her, she was just now able to recognize all the things she had to work through, because if she had earlier it would have seemed like too much to start dealing with at all. It might still have to become worse before it could be really good for her again.
"We talked about something else too."
"Mhm, about what?"
"About us. You and me. She told me she couldn't figure us out and she asked if I'm in love with you."
"Oh. What... What did you say?"
"You still don't want to tell Mattie about us, do you? I didn't really tell her anything. I'm not sure if that was right, but... What do you think I should have said? I mean I think she understood how I felt, but I didn't really even hint that we were working anything out... I thought we should tell her that together."
"I agree, I think that when we do it, we should do it together, but not yet, no. I think we should tell her when she comes back from California. How do you feel about that?"
"If that's what you think is best. In a way I agree. I think you are right, it doesn't really make that much sense to tell her now when things between us might still seem so insecure to her. Maybe she'd just be more worried if we told her now. But on the other hand, lying... I don't know it just doesn't seem right."
"But what are we going to do? I can't tell her 'Oh, Mac's spending the night at my place tonight, I hope that's OK with you'"
"No, but that's not what I meant either. I doubt that's even something she wants to know about, I'm just saying that I don't like keeping things from her like this."
"I don't like the fact that we'd be lying either, but I still think it's the best option we have. She's leaving in just over a week and then it won't be so hard... I mean we'll be able to tell her a whole lot without her really knowing and it will give us some time to really figure this thing with us out."
"Are you really sure about this?" Mac turned herself around in his embrace so she could see his face.
"Yes," Harm said and nodded.
"Good. Then I think we should start working at figuring out that thing with us..." she was silenced by Harm's lips. They were done talking for this time.
The rest of the vacation went by fast. Harm and Mac enjoyed many early mornings out on the beach watching the sunrise. Mattie was rather confused about that stating that it was the same sun that was shining all day and you didn't have to go up at such an un-human time to see it. The rest of the days they spent out on the beach sun bathing and swimming. One day they all went into the closest town and visited the little amusement park.
Mattie kept on opening up more to both Harm and Mac for the rest of the week. It made them both feel better about her leaving in just one week. She still wasn't telling them everything, but they were also learning that just because they had to drag something out of her, it didn't mean she didn't want to talk to them about it. Trish was going to make sure that she could go to the closest Ala-teen group when she was away too.
All in all the calm vacation had been very good for them. Harm and Mac were closer than ever and Mattie had been much more open with them and with herself. When they had arrived in North Carolina they, and especially Mattie, had all been exhausted, but they left the house a week later thoroughly rested and ready for the next challenges they would face.
TBC