Sorry another short chapter, when I figure out where this is actually going I might actually write decent chapters. Thank you for the reviews.
Chapter 16 - Thin Line between Love and Hate
It's thirty-seven minutes past six, I'm late, yet I'm still standing outside Ike's watching people come and go. I have to do this, I can't leave things the way they are. I take a deep breath and make my way through the doors looking around for him. I see him, sat in a corner head down, looking into his drink. I think about turning around, but he looks up and sees me standing there. Great, there's nothing for it. I let out the breath I didn't realise I'd been holding and make my way over to him. I pull out a chair and sit opposite him. He looks worn out, beaten down, like he hasn't slept much over the past few nights.
"Hi." I say quietly, unsure, how to begin. "You look awful." Good one Abby, great way to start.
"I didn't get much sleep, I was thinking about what you said." He looks at me properly "where is she?"
"Susan took her, I thought it would be best not to bring her here."
"You don't want me to see her?" He looks hurt.
"It's not that Carter, we just need to talk first." He looks down again.
"I don't know what to say." Neither do I.
"When did you find out?" He looks at me confused. "About Kem?"
"When he was born, she told me everything then."
"When was that?"
"Just under two months ago." So that was why Luka hadn't heard anything from him then.
"Why did you stay in Africa?"
"I didn't know what else to do, where to go, so I just got stuck into my work there, until she turned up and I couldn't take it, I had to get away."
"I'm sorry." He looks at me, it's the first time since he came back that I've looked at him properly, his eyes have lost the sparkle they used to have. He looks as though he's lost something which I suppose he has.
"I didn't come here to talk about Kem." He breaks the moment.
"Right." I look down, knowing it had to come to this eventually.
"So?"
"What do you want to know?"
"If I can see her, properly." I nod, still not looking up. I have to agree to that, he's her father, I can't stop him from seeing her.
"When?"
"I'm free tomorrow, or the rest of the week for that matter."
"I'm working the day after tomorrow, if you want you can take her at ten, have her for the rest of the day?"
"Are you sure?"
"She'll only be in day-care otherwise, bring her back before five OK?" I get up to leave.
"We need to talk properly." I shake my head still not looking at him.
"Not now Carter."
"When then?"
"I don't know, I can't do this now, not here."
"Can we talk about Leah then?"
"Umm yeah, I suppose." I sit back down looking at him.
"When..." He trails off obviously unsure how to bring it up. I take the lead.
"I found out a few weeks after you left to find Luka, I should have realised before that but I didn't think about it. I didn't really think it was a possibility. I didn't know what to do, but then I realised I couldn't get rid of it."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You weren't here."
"I came back!"
"Yeah, with Kem. How do you think I felt seeing you with another woman who was also carrying your child. You seemed so happy, I couldn't tell you. I was scared about what you'd say, whether you'd still leave, at least if you didn't know I wouldn't have to find out that you'd rather be with her and her child than me and mine."
"But if you'd told me then maybe..."
"Maybe what Carter, you would have left her? You would have come back to be with me, not left for Africa again? What?"
"I don't know, perhaps I wouldn't have gone again."
"So you wouldn't have gone back with Kem, even when you thought the baby was yours? Give me a break Carter!"
"I don't know what I would have done, I didn't get the chance to make that decision did I?"
"So it's all my fault again? You were the one that left in the first place!"
"I left because of you, us. It was just, well you know!"
"No Carter I don't because you didn't talk to me, perhaps if you had we could have worked something out."
"That's a first, Abby Lockhart wanting to talk about something!"
"You're such a jerk!" I've had enough, I get up grabbing my coat.
"That's it run away again, let's all act like children again."
"Fuck you Carter!" I turn about to leave then change my mind, uncomfortably noticing other people staring at me.
"You always blame everything on me, perhaps I did run away from a lot of things, but you're the one who ran away to God damn Africa! Was that far enough for you? You sent me a letter breaking up with me because you were too childish to tell me to my face. Do you know I actually cared about you? I worried about you in Africa, that was why I didn't want you to go back to find Luka I was scared for you, not for me, for you! I didn't want you to end up dead too. The first time in my life I've ever asked anyone to stay for me they turn their back and run, pretend that I don't exist.
I don't care anymore Carter, you can do what you like, get yourself killed, run away again, whatever! Just don't expect me to still be here waiting, wondering if you're all right, I've got my life together, without you, and I can manage by myself. If you want to be part of Leah's life then that's fine, if you don't that's fine too, but don't mess her about. You're either here or you're not, it's up to you, just don't expect me to be here for you, because I'm not. Decide what you want, if it's your daughter pick her up at ten, if not then goodbye."
This time I actually leave. I leave him sat there all alone, looking slightly bewildered, slightly angry, but mostly just lost.
Chapter 16 - Thin Line between Love and Hate
It's thirty-seven minutes past six, I'm late, yet I'm still standing outside Ike's watching people come and go. I have to do this, I can't leave things the way they are. I take a deep breath and make my way through the doors looking around for him. I see him, sat in a corner head down, looking into his drink. I think about turning around, but he looks up and sees me standing there. Great, there's nothing for it. I let out the breath I didn't realise I'd been holding and make my way over to him. I pull out a chair and sit opposite him. He looks worn out, beaten down, like he hasn't slept much over the past few nights.
"Hi." I say quietly, unsure, how to begin. "You look awful." Good one Abby, great way to start.
"I didn't get much sleep, I was thinking about what you said." He looks at me properly "where is she?"
"Susan took her, I thought it would be best not to bring her here."
"You don't want me to see her?" He looks hurt.
"It's not that Carter, we just need to talk first." He looks down again.
"I don't know what to say." Neither do I.
"When did you find out?" He looks at me confused. "About Kem?"
"When he was born, she told me everything then."
"When was that?"
"Just under two months ago." So that was why Luka hadn't heard anything from him then.
"Why did you stay in Africa?"
"I didn't know what else to do, where to go, so I just got stuck into my work there, until she turned up and I couldn't take it, I had to get away."
"I'm sorry." He looks at me, it's the first time since he came back that I've looked at him properly, his eyes have lost the sparkle they used to have. He looks as though he's lost something which I suppose he has.
"I didn't come here to talk about Kem." He breaks the moment.
"Right." I look down, knowing it had to come to this eventually.
"So?"
"What do you want to know?"
"If I can see her, properly." I nod, still not looking up. I have to agree to that, he's her father, I can't stop him from seeing her.
"When?"
"I'm free tomorrow, or the rest of the week for that matter."
"I'm working the day after tomorrow, if you want you can take her at ten, have her for the rest of the day?"
"Are you sure?"
"She'll only be in day-care otherwise, bring her back before five OK?" I get up to leave.
"We need to talk properly." I shake my head still not looking at him.
"Not now Carter."
"When then?"
"I don't know, I can't do this now, not here."
"Can we talk about Leah then?"
"Umm yeah, I suppose." I sit back down looking at him.
"When..." He trails off obviously unsure how to bring it up. I take the lead.
"I found out a few weeks after you left to find Luka, I should have realised before that but I didn't think about it. I didn't really think it was a possibility. I didn't know what to do, but then I realised I couldn't get rid of it."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"You weren't here."
"I came back!"
"Yeah, with Kem. How do you think I felt seeing you with another woman who was also carrying your child. You seemed so happy, I couldn't tell you. I was scared about what you'd say, whether you'd still leave, at least if you didn't know I wouldn't have to find out that you'd rather be with her and her child than me and mine."
"But if you'd told me then maybe..."
"Maybe what Carter, you would have left her? You would have come back to be with me, not left for Africa again? What?"
"I don't know, perhaps I wouldn't have gone again."
"So you wouldn't have gone back with Kem, even when you thought the baby was yours? Give me a break Carter!"
"I don't know what I would have done, I didn't get the chance to make that decision did I?"
"So it's all my fault again? You were the one that left in the first place!"
"I left because of you, us. It was just, well you know!"
"No Carter I don't because you didn't talk to me, perhaps if you had we could have worked something out."
"That's a first, Abby Lockhart wanting to talk about something!"
"You're such a jerk!" I've had enough, I get up grabbing my coat.
"That's it run away again, let's all act like children again."
"Fuck you Carter!" I turn about to leave then change my mind, uncomfortably noticing other people staring at me.
"You always blame everything on me, perhaps I did run away from a lot of things, but you're the one who ran away to God damn Africa! Was that far enough for you? You sent me a letter breaking up with me because you were too childish to tell me to my face. Do you know I actually cared about you? I worried about you in Africa, that was why I didn't want you to go back to find Luka I was scared for you, not for me, for you! I didn't want you to end up dead too. The first time in my life I've ever asked anyone to stay for me they turn their back and run, pretend that I don't exist.
I don't care anymore Carter, you can do what you like, get yourself killed, run away again, whatever! Just don't expect me to still be here waiting, wondering if you're all right, I've got my life together, without you, and I can manage by myself. If you want to be part of Leah's life then that's fine, if you don't that's fine too, but don't mess her about. You're either here or you're not, it's up to you, just don't expect me to be here for you, because I'm not. Decide what you want, if it's your daughter pick her up at ten, if not then goodbye."
This time I actually leave. I leave him sat there all alone, looking slightly bewildered, slightly angry, but mostly just lost.