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Chapter 18 - Lose Your Way
Finally I make my way into my apartment it's twenty to nine and I'm exhausted, I wasn't even this tired when I was working nurse and med. student shifts and I'm only working nursing shifts at the moment until I get back into my rotations. I dump my stuff by the door and make my way to the kitchen putting the kettle on. It fells weird to be here all by myself. Though that won't be for much longer, the thought suddenly hits me, Carter's going to be here soon. My apartment's a mess, I quickly run round picking up Leah's things and tidying away some books and magazines, when I laugh at myself. Why am I tidying up for Carter? He's seen my flat in a much worse state than this and he's only dropping Leah off. I make my way back to the kitchen and make a drink, sitting down at the table, I really should think about getting some food but I can't be bothered. There's a knock at the door, I glance at my watch, five minutes early, I'm impressed. I make my way to the door and open it. He looks completely weighed down by all her stuff, yet he looks different, tired but happier.
"Hey." I say taking Leah from him and turning into the room. He takes this as an invitation and follows me.
"Hi, where do you want me to put all this?"
"Anywhere, doesn't really matter." He dumps it where he stands.
"I'm really sorry about today, Romano wouldn't let me go."
"It's all right, we had fun didn't we Leah? I really enjoyed it."
"So you managed a OK then?"
"Just about! It was hard work, I don't know how you manage, she seemed pretty happy doing whatever though."
"She is, but she's worth it. Do you want a coffee?" He looks surprised.
"Sure." He takes off his coat, hanging it on the back of a chair. "I hope you don't mind, we kind of went shopping." I look at him he has a sheepish grin on his face. "I couldn't help it." He moves over to the bag I gave him earlier.
"I only got her a couple of things, just incase you didn't want me to get her anything."
"So what did you get?"
"This, and this, oh and these." He pulls out a little blue summer dress with matching hat and shoes. "I know they're a bit big now, but she'll grow into them."
I laugh, he looks so cute stood there holding little baby clothes, smiling.
"You're not mad?"
"No, if you want to buy her things do, just don't spoil her too much." I pass him his coffee.
"Can we talk now?"
"I guess." I have to do this sometime, I've put it off for long enough I suppose.
"I thought about what you said the other day. I'm sorry for the way I left, it wasn't fair on you, I just needed to get away from everything, after Gamma died I didn't really know what to do. She left all the foundation stuff to me, which I didn't really want to deal with. I couldn't stand being in the mansion, everything reminded me of her, I just needed to get away. Things between us, they weren't good, you must have realised that." I nod before he continues
"I didn't know how to deal with it, going to Africa seemed to be the best option, I could get away from everything. I couldn't though, when I was there all I could think about was you and Gamma. At one point the Mai Mai stopped us and they forced us to the ground. I had a gun pointed at my head, and the only thing I was thinking about was that I never said the things I wanted to you, I never said goodbye." I sit there in silence, finally understanding some of what went on in Africa, Luka had started some of that understanding, but this made more sense of it.
"I came back straight here, to you, I didn't know where else to go, and when we spoke that morning I wish I'd done things differently, I saw how much I'd hurt you by leaving, and I didn't know how to make it better. When I came back, I left Luka there alone in a small clinic, the last thing I said was 'try not to get yourself killed' and then we left him. When I got the call saying Luka was dead, I felt guilty, for leaving him, I had to go back for his body, at least I could do that for him. I know you wanted me to stay, but I couldn't, I had to do it. When I found him I realised I couldn't come back. I didn't want to deal with everything here. I sent you the letter, because I knew it was unfair of me to leave you how I did. I know I should have finished it before, but I didn't have the guts, it was childish like you said, but I didn't know how else to do it.
When I met Kem, it was just so different to what you and me had, she was completely different, that was what I needed. I know now I didn't really love her, but I wanted to, especially when she told me about the baby, I was so happy, I thought I was going to be a father, it was amazing. When I came back to you the other night, I didn't expect anything, I just wanted to see you as a friend, when I was last here we seemed all right you seemed happy, and you didn't seem bothered by Kem or us not being together any more. I've always enjoyed your friendship, from that first time on the roof before I, well you know, and then helping me through the addiction, being my sponsor. I thought we'd always be able to talk to each other, which was why I turned up here. I know how stupid that was now, I expected you to still feel the same, I didn't think things could have changed, but obviously they have." He glances over to Leah, who's sitting there contentedly staring at something across the room.
"I'd like to go back to that Abby, to being friends, talking to each other, sharing problems. I know it's a lot to ask, and if you don't want to that's all right, we can just work something out around Leah, that is if you still want me to see her."
"I do want you to see her, I know you'll be a great dad to her, but I don't know if I can go back to how it was, there's always going to be something in the way." He nods looking a bit down hearted.
"That's not to say we'll never go back to that, it's just that I'm not ready at the moment, I've got used to my life without you, I need time to adjust to having you around. Though having someone else to look after Leah will be a great help." I smile at him, and get one in return even though I know it's not what he wants really.
"When can I see her then?"
"Are you working at the moment?" He shakes his head.
"Well anytime that I'm working you can take her if you want to, seeing as she'd only be in day-care otherwise. As she gets older, and I get more used to being without her, we could perhaps make it set days, depending on both of our shifts. That is if you feel all right with that?"
"Are you sure?" I nod again.
"You have as much right to see her as I do, it'll just take a bit of getting used to."
"Thank you." He gets up slowly and turns round ready to leave.
"Carter?" He looks back towards me.
"I'm sorry for some of the things I said the other day, I shouldn't have said them."
"You had every right to be angry."
"No I didn't, this is as much my fault as it is yours. I should have told you about her. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when your grandmother died, it was just, Eric needed me. I couldn't leave him there but I wish I'd been there for you. You've helped me through so many of my family problems, listened to me going on about them, yet the one time you need me I'm not there. I'm sorry." He looks away before quietly saying
"Your brother needed you."
"You needed me!"
"It doesn't matter."
"But, it does."
"Why, it's in the past, you did what you had to do, you can't change any of it." He looks back at me as I look down into my now empty coffee mug.
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right Abby, I understand." He turns around, picks up his coat and says goodnight to Leah. He flashes me a smile.
"Can I pick her up tomorrow then?"
"Same time, and I won't be late back, I promise." With that he leaves, closing the door gently behind him.
*~*
Sorry I know the ending to this chapter was really rubbish, well most of this chapter was, but I didn't know how else to end it.
Chapter 18 - Lose Your Way
Finally I make my way into my apartment it's twenty to nine and I'm exhausted, I wasn't even this tired when I was working nurse and med. student shifts and I'm only working nursing shifts at the moment until I get back into my rotations. I dump my stuff by the door and make my way to the kitchen putting the kettle on. It fells weird to be here all by myself. Though that won't be for much longer, the thought suddenly hits me, Carter's going to be here soon. My apartment's a mess, I quickly run round picking up Leah's things and tidying away some books and magazines, when I laugh at myself. Why am I tidying up for Carter? He's seen my flat in a much worse state than this and he's only dropping Leah off. I make my way back to the kitchen and make a drink, sitting down at the table, I really should think about getting some food but I can't be bothered. There's a knock at the door, I glance at my watch, five minutes early, I'm impressed. I make my way to the door and open it. He looks completely weighed down by all her stuff, yet he looks different, tired but happier.
"Hey." I say taking Leah from him and turning into the room. He takes this as an invitation and follows me.
"Hi, where do you want me to put all this?"
"Anywhere, doesn't really matter." He dumps it where he stands.
"I'm really sorry about today, Romano wouldn't let me go."
"It's all right, we had fun didn't we Leah? I really enjoyed it."
"So you managed a OK then?"
"Just about! It was hard work, I don't know how you manage, she seemed pretty happy doing whatever though."
"She is, but she's worth it. Do you want a coffee?" He looks surprised.
"Sure." He takes off his coat, hanging it on the back of a chair. "I hope you don't mind, we kind of went shopping." I look at him he has a sheepish grin on his face. "I couldn't help it." He moves over to the bag I gave him earlier.
"I only got her a couple of things, just incase you didn't want me to get her anything."
"So what did you get?"
"This, and this, oh and these." He pulls out a little blue summer dress with matching hat and shoes. "I know they're a bit big now, but she'll grow into them."
I laugh, he looks so cute stood there holding little baby clothes, smiling.
"You're not mad?"
"No, if you want to buy her things do, just don't spoil her too much." I pass him his coffee.
"Can we talk now?"
"I guess." I have to do this sometime, I've put it off for long enough I suppose.
"I thought about what you said the other day. I'm sorry for the way I left, it wasn't fair on you, I just needed to get away from everything, after Gamma died I didn't really know what to do. She left all the foundation stuff to me, which I didn't really want to deal with. I couldn't stand being in the mansion, everything reminded me of her, I just needed to get away. Things between us, they weren't good, you must have realised that." I nod before he continues
"I didn't know how to deal with it, going to Africa seemed to be the best option, I could get away from everything. I couldn't though, when I was there all I could think about was you and Gamma. At one point the Mai Mai stopped us and they forced us to the ground. I had a gun pointed at my head, and the only thing I was thinking about was that I never said the things I wanted to you, I never said goodbye." I sit there in silence, finally understanding some of what went on in Africa, Luka had started some of that understanding, but this made more sense of it.
"I came back straight here, to you, I didn't know where else to go, and when we spoke that morning I wish I'd done things differently, I saw how much I'd hurt you by leaving, and I didn't know how to make it better. When I came back, I left Luka there alone in a small clinic, the last thing I said was 'try not to get yourself killed' and then we left him. When I got the call saying Luka was dead, I felt guilty, for leaving him, I had to go back for his body, at least I could do that for him. I know you wanted me to stay, but I couldn't, I had to do it. When I found him I realised I couldn't come back. I didn't want to deal with everything here. I sent you the letter, because I knew it was unfair of me to leave you how I did. I know I should have finished it before, but I didn't have the guts, it was childish like you said, but I didn't know how else to do it.
When I met Kem, it was just so different to what you and me had, she was completely different, that was what I needed. I know now I didn't really love her, but I wanted to, especially when she told me about the baby, I was so happy, I thought I was going to be a father, it was amazing. When I came back to you the other night, I didn't expect anything, I just wanted to see you as a friend, when I was last here we seemed all right you seemed happy, and you didn't seem bothered by Kem or us not being together any more. I've always enjoyed your friendship, from that first time on the roof before I, well you know, and then helping me through the addiction, being my sponsor. I thought we'd always be able to talk to each other, which was why I turned up here. I know how stupid that was now, I expected you to still feel the same, I didn't think things could have changed, but obviously they have." He glances over to Leah, who's sitting there contentedly staring at something across the room.
"I'd like to go back to that Abby, to being friends, talking to each other, sharing problems. I know it's a lot to ask, and if you don't want to that's all right, we can just work something out around Leah, that is if you still want me to see her."
"I do want you to see her, I know you'll be a great dad to her, but I don't know if I can go back to how it was, there's always going to be something in the way." He nods looking a bit down hearted.
"That's not to say we'll never go back to that, it's just that I'm not ready at the moment, I've got used to my life without you, I need time to adjust to having you around. Though having someone else to look after Leah will be a great help." I smile at him, and get one in return even though I know it's not what he wants really.
"When can I see her then?"
"Are you working at the moment?" He shakes his head.
"Well anytime that I'm working you can take her if you want to, seeing as she'd only be in day-care otherwise. As she gets older, and I get more used to being without her, we could perhaps make it set days, depending on both of our shifts. That is if you feel all right with that?"
"Are you sure?" I nod again.
"You have as much right to see her as I do, it'll just take a bit of getting used to."
"Thank you." He gets up slowly and turns round ready to leave.
"Carter?" He looks back towards me.
"I'm sorry for some of the things I said the other day, I shouldn't have said them."
"You had every right to be angry."
"No I didn't, this is as much my fault as it is yours. I should have told you about her. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when your grandmother died, it was just, Eric needed me. I couldn't leave him there but I wish I'd been there for you. You've helped me through so many of my family problems, listened to me going on about them, yet the one time you need me I'm not there. I'm sorry." He looks away before quietly saying
"Your brother needed you."
"You needed me!"
"It doesn't matter."
"But, it does."
"Why, it's in the past, you did what you had to do, you can't change any of it." He looks back at me as I look down into my now empty coffee mug.
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right Abby, I understand." He turns around, picks up his coat and says goodnight to Leah. He flashes me a smile.
"Can I pick her up tomorrow then?"
"Same time, and I won't be late back, I promise." With that he leaves, closing the door gently behind him.
*~*
Sorry I know the ending to this chapter was really rubbish, well most of this chapter was, but I didn't know how else to end it.