"...Schoolyard freaks are freezing, pushed to the ground again
I'm looking up and west for black to fill the sky
The sound of bottles breaking still breaking in my ears
They opened just in time to empty out
And gouge away the years..."
[ 5-3-10-4, Alkaline Trio ]
My head smacked the desk with a dull thud. The boy in the seat next to me jumped a little at the noise, and I let myself grin in satisfaction. The nagging exhaustion still hadn't left me after a month of living in this insufferable city, and I was beginning to think it was permanent. A girl, presumably the freaked-out boy's girlfriend, glared at me. I had been on the receiving end of a lot of glares as of late.
After about the first week, the Pretty Elite of General High quickly found me a moving target for all sorts of insults. Ever since the first day when some jerk heard my name as "Toxic" I became known as "that radioactive chick over there, in the corner." Rumors had spread about one of my notebooks holding extensive plans and hit lists. I wished.
The cafeteria was a battle ground, one I tried to avoid at all costs. Faceless people staring at me the second I walked in the door, as if they expected me to whip out a gun from nowhere and waste them all. I was never a fan of violence, but the fact that my patience was constantly tested with indignities could easily change my mind.
The hallways were even worse. People I didn't know pushed me, trapping me between the flow of bodies and lockers. My books were constantly knocked to the ground and trampled on. Once, I was almost sent toppling down the stairs. I turned off the pain, picked myself up and pretended it was all a play.
Sophomore year was turning into one hell of a party.
Auntie thought I was getting better, and that the pain of seeing my mother die was slowly fading. It was a good thing she couldn't see the light on in my room every night. The dark was not a comforting place to me anymore. I used to be able to sit in it for hours, just staring at the ceiling or watching the moon, but I lost my grip on the control I had over my memories. With the dark came the reminders. The light made it even harder to sleep.
"Peters!" Teacher Man's voice cut into my musings, and I slowly raised my head, blinking stupidly. What was it with most male teachers calling you by your last name? "Do you have any idea what's going on in the class right now?" My brain barely connected what he said. Teacher Man must've known I wasn't paying attention. "Girl, you've just earned yourself detention." Again, what was with the male teachers identifying you as your gender?
With a moan of disappointment, I dropped my forehead back onto the fake wood. It felt good against my cheek. Someone threw a paper wad at my neck, and it bounced into my lap. I smoothed it out over my legs. The word freak was spelled out in a multitude of neon colors, complete with flowers and hearts. It could've been an advert for the prom, if not for the word choice. With a tired sigh, I carefully folded it up and added it to the growing collection of other projectiles in my binder. The Back Row (home to the Pretty Elite) giggled smartly to themselves.
'How wonderful for you that you can hit a stationary human being.' I thought bitterly to myself, fisting my hands in my skirt. My lip bled under the strain of my front teeth gnawing at it, blood dripped down my chin. I ignored it, raising my head to check the clock.
"Oh my God! She's, like, a vampire too?" I couldn't believe I got up in the morning everyday just for this. Teacher Man went through many emotions following the exclamation. First, anger turned his face an unnatural red. Then, he was confused once the word 'vampire' registered. Finally, he rolled his eyes at the blood on my face, telling me to go to the nurse.
Nurse Lady almost fainted when I walked into her office. I guess she wasn't used to having patients bleeding all over themselves. She muttered about stitches while handing me an ice pack. The frigid cold hurt my teeth, and Nurse glared when I pulled it away from my mouth. I was tempted to ask her if she had any lethal injections, but knew it was stupid. I didn't need suicidal added to my lovely list of dysfunctions. Myca would've been able to do it; she never cared much for reputations. Nurse Lady clucked her tongue when I didn't put the ice back on my lip.
"Keep it in place." She jammed it into my mouth, and the back of my mouth burned at the contrast of hot and cold. I closed my eyes, hand moving up to cradle the side of my head. "Got a headache now, do you?" I nodded, opening my dull eyes. Nurse Lady looked nervously into the hall, then closed the door. "I could get in trouble for this, so keep it quiet." She opened a cabinet, producing a bottle of medication. "Here." Two little pills fell into my hand.
She gave me some water to make taking the medicine easier. "Thank you." Nurse Lady patted my cheek, and I caught sight of her name tag. Julie.
"I knew you could talk." Julie let me stay for the rest of class, making sure my lip didn't start bleeding again. "There you go. Come to me anytime you need help." I tried to smile for her, but instead nodded. Julie laughed, "get going Taxic." I didn't know she knew my name. My head didn't hurt for the remainder of the day.
Detention with Teacher Man sucked. He was mad at me for not coming back after he sent me to the nurse, and I lost the note Julie wrote to excuse me. I almost showed him one of my notes from the Pretty Elite on accident. Teacher Man retreated to his desk, an angry cloud following him, once he figured out I wasn't going to react to his angry tirades.
For my punishment, I was supposed to copy every other word in the dictionary. Instead, I closed my eyes and watched black and white images on my eyelids. Teacher Man growled threateningly, and I refocused onto him.
"I know your type."
'That's unnerving.'
"You kids are all the same."
'I am hardly a kid, thanks.'
"You think you're so depressing."
'Excuse me?'
"You complain all about this country, and plan to move to Europe."
'If you say so.'
"You want to make something of yourself, got big dreams."
'I guess...'
"Lemme tell you something, girl, you're gonna end up a nothing."
'Nothing isn't bad.'
It was a desperate shame that Teacher Man couldn't hear my thoughts, but a blessing too. No one deserved to be inside my head, including myself. While he ranted, I floated up to the ceiling, watching the drama unfold. Ground Me had her head down, and her dead leaf eyes were glazed over. Teacher Man didn't see her obvious disinterest or lack of life. He continued to yell, face getting redder by the second, spittle formed at the corners of his mouth.
I gazed on in sick fascination as Ground Me pushed up from her desk, eyes still on the ground, and shuffled out of the room. Teacher Man looked ready to split a blood vessel. Ground Me bit at her lip, picking at the scab there with her teeth. The confrontation with a teacher had been too much. People were noticing.
Auntie looked worried when I walked in, late from school, with blood covering my lower lip. She wanted to know if I got in a fight. I shook my head.
"Taxic, what happened then?"
"I bit my lip."
"That's an awful lot of blood." The comment was made more to herself, as she soaked a paper towel in water, and dabbed lightly at my mouth. Her hands on my shoulders kept me from moving away. "Taxic, I need to talk to you." A dull ache started up again in my head, this was not good news.
"I'm worried about you, sweetie. You don't talk much." She petted my hair, acting motherly. "I got a call from the school; they think you're on drugs." It was painfully blatant that Auntie wanted me to tell her otherwise. She wanted me to convince her that I was okay. Sad thing was, I couldn't even tell myself I was okay. "Are you... are you on drugs?
I shook my head, watching her visibly relax. Auntie's trust in me was endearing, yet disturbing. The faculty at my high school had just confessed the notion I was a potential drug addict, and she believed my word over the respected opinion of a school board. "I'll let you get started on your homework... Dinner's gonna be a little late tonight, your uncle has to work."
Hugging my messenger bag to my chest, I backed out of the kitchen, retreating to the confines of my room. Uncle had warned me many times not to play my music loud enough to bother the neighbors, seeing as we lived next to a rather older couple. After I plugged my stereo in, I went about the task of finding my CD case. Being the lazy creature I was, my room was still residence to a few cardboard boxes. Those things made nifty hampers.
Alkaline Trio was a good band.
Tobias had once tried to teach me how to play one of their songs on the guitar, but I couldn't get my fingers to work properly. Myca kept laughing at me too, which didn't help either. Banishing thoughts of my friends, I sat down on my bed with my notebook in my lap.
The only class I considered worthy of my attention was creative writing. Teacher (whom I found out was named Mrs. Grant) requested that we simply write for an hour or so straight. Mrs. Grant was cool, like Julie. They didn't make me talk.
As soon as my pen tip touched the paper, it all poured out.
"I'm tired, and sick, and I don't know who I am anymore. Simon dumped me, I hate him I love him. I want a friend to keep me sane; Myca should move down here. I can't sleep. Someone must have noticed how I'm falling apart. Can't you tell? Auntie thinks I'm on drugs, she doesn't believe me when I say I'm not. Maybe she does, I can't tell.
Does anyone notice I don't talk? Do they think I'm mute? Do they think I'm retarded? I don't know what I am anymore, and I miss Tobias. Tobias was nicer to me then Simon. Simon doesn't understand. He wanted me to have sex, he didn't get that I wasn't ready. I said no, I said no... and then I left. I left without saying good bye. He knew it was over. I just can't tell if I knew.
Myca hasn't called, I wanna talk to her. I want her to tell me I'll be okay. I want someone, ANYONE, to tell me I'll be okay. I'm not okay. I'm not gonna live through this. I can't do it anymore. I need help. My head won't stop aching, and my throat burns. Maybe that's why I can't talk. My voice hurts my own brain. Breathing makes my mouth itch. When I sneeze, I taste blood. I always taste blood now. Eating isn't worth it... I think I'm going crazy."
My hand started shaking, and I dropped my pen. I was falling fast into an oblivion of nothing. Sliding off the bed, I crawled to one of the bigger boxes. Still shivering, I wrapped my arms around my knees and rocked back and forth in my cardboard cave. Auntie knocked only once when she told me dinner was ready and left not soon after.
Covering my ears, I dug my finger nails into my skull, praying for something to make me normal. The music still played, and I tried to eat my lip; it tasted like metal on my tongue. If I tried hard enough, maybe I could swallow my body into empty blankness.
I woke up in the morning to the guitar of Alkaline Trio with a red-raw mouth. I hadn't managed to devour me yet, which was a grave disappointment in itself. I'm sure the greater population of General High supported my self-destructive ways complete with cheer routines and posters.
Taking extra care, I cleaned all the blood from my face with a warm washcloth. My face looked wicked pale in the mirror, and I hated myself for it. "You're going to be the death of me," I whispered to my reflection. I touched my hand to the glass, laying it flat across my double's eyes. "But not if I can kill you first."
Auntie sent me back to my room as soon as I entered the kitchen. "Sweetie, you've been wearing those pants for a week straight! Go change into something else." With a tired sigh, I returned to my quarters, finding a pair of jeans on the floor. Pulling my tee over my head, I grabbed a long sleeved shirt to replace it. I paused to gather my books, and shoulder my bag. Rubbing at my elbow, I presented my new outfit to my aunt.
Auntie opened her mouth, then closed it as I tied up my Chucks. "Don't you ever get tired of black?" I shrugged. "Don't you ever get tired of being silent?" Again, I shrugged. Exasperated, she handed me some toast and pointed to the door. "You're going to be late."
My breath formed clouds in the December air, and I pulled my books tighter to my chest. The icy slush on the ground froze my feet through my shoes. 'Should've worn boots.' A group of kids from my school walked by, hands full of lattes and thoughtless happiness. I wanted to kick them in the face and pour the scorching coffee in their eyes. Making sure to keep my distance from them as we gathered on the corner, I watched the DO NOT WALK sign.
"Look, it's that freaky chick from school." I sighed.
'No good deed ever goes unpunished.'
"She's creepy, I bet she's on drugs." I rubbed my temple with my free hand, trying to block out their cheap, plastic voices.
"Oh my God, that is so last week. Listen here ladies," the presumed leader flipped her fake blonde hair over her shoulder. "I heard that," she paused, making sure everyone was sucking up the rumors, "that she got an abortion, and the baby wasn't her boyfriend's." How they found out I even had a boyfriend was beyond me. Must've been a blonde mafia thing.
"So, she's a slut?"
"A druggie slut." I bit my lip, trying to keep the scream protests inside. They didn't deserve to know the truth. I couldn't let them taint the memory of my mother or my friends with questions and accusations. I comforted myself with the fact that I, who paid zero attention in class, was still going to graduate with more honors then them.
"Hey! Radioactive!" The idea slowly lost its appeal, as Blonde Leader turned to me with a dangerously sweet smile. "I totally love your outfit, I was just wondering... Did the drugs that are stuffed in your pants come with it?" I closed my eyes, knowing I was fighting a losing battle. Sure, I might've been smarter then them in the bitter end, but they would have the happier memories.
That's all that really matters, after all, the memories.
I ate lunch with Julie, and she said she was glad for the company. I sat on one of the beds, with my legs folded, and she perched on the side of a table. I shared my chips with her, and she let me have some of her coffee.
"Taxic, don't you want to eat with your friends?" I paused, not sure how to approach this new topic. Friends were something of the past, something that I kept locked up in my closet of remembering.
"I don't have friends." I didn't want pity. Coming to terms with my lack of companions was fairly easy; no one at General High seemed to fit into my category... whatever my category was, anyway. "People don't like me here."
"Well, from what I've seen of the kids in this grand facility, and believe me it's a lot, I can honestly say that you're one of the more genuine characters here. It's refreshing. Don't change Taxic; you're the one who's going to make it somewhere."
That was the nicest thing anyone had said to me since I moved. Auntie told me things would get better, and Mrs. Grant told me I had talent... But, Julie was something else. She was the school nurse; she didn't have to talk to a reject like me. She could've just treated my cut and sent me on my way.
I didn't realize she had hugged me until I smelled her perfume. She smelled like Mother. I didn't mean to start crying.
Mrs. Grant wanted me to read my paper out loud; she said that there was raw emotion and feeling. She stopped there, because my eyes had gotten so big she thought I was going to faint. She told me never mind, and sent me back to my desk at the back of the class. A kid tossed a paper wad at my face as I passed. Mrs. Grant picked it up and then told the kid to apologize, and that he had detention for thinking it was funny to insult classmates.
I felt a bit better as I curled up in my plastic chair in the corner. The kid glared at me the whole time, but the wall had captivated my attention and I was inclined to ignore him. I did stupid things like that on occasion, you must understand. When my eyes closed, I thought I could see my mother's face.
Mrs. Grant stopped me at the door. "Taxic, are you okay? Judging by your work, I don't think things were easy for you back home. Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head, wishing I could nod instead. I had recently discovered my body did the opposite of what I wanted it to do. "Alright, hon, but my door is always open."
I chewed my lip, fighting the bitter tired that threatened me. With my hands balled into nervous fists, I shuffled to the hall. Auntie wanted to talk to me about something rather important, or so she had said. As I stood in the hall, trying to determine what homework I needed to do, they cornered me.
"We hear you got our friend in trouble." There were three of them, including the kid who had detention for the paper wad. One of them cracked their knuckles.
My mouth went dry.
"See, bitch, we don't like it when people mess with us. It tends to lead to nasty accidents..." They grinned evil smiles. "You've been asking for this for awhile, haven't you?"
I tried to take a deep breath.
It happened rather quickly. First, they ripped my books out of my hands, flinging them all over the hall. Two of them held my arms, while the other punched me in the stomach; I never was a strong girl. I tried to fight the tears and whimpers, but my attempts were in vain.
"I think she likes it, man!" They dropped my hands, and I doubled over. "They say you're a vampire, and vampires like the dark." Blood dripped from my mouth, as I bit my lip. "Let's give her a permanent coffin, shall we?"
It was dark in the locker, and I couldn't breathe. Was this what it was like for Mother when they buried her? My nails were torn from trying to break out. I choked on my sobs and panic attacks. 'Oh God. Oh God. I can't see, what's going on...' The darkness provided by my coffin was no different then when I closed my eyes. 'No, I can't breathe. This isn't right... I don't want to die...' My throat burned, as did my head. Nothing was coming out straight, and my fingers were bleeding. I could feel the stickiness on my palms. I rested my forehead against the hot metal, hands curling into fists on the door.
Pushing myself away, I braced my back against the locker side connected to the door. Trying to stay calm, I kicked at the door with the bottom of my feet.
The cold air felt refreshing as I tumbled out of the locker. I left bloody hand prints on the floor, and the inside of the locker door was scratched up and dented. I crouched on the floor, ravaged hands gripping my shoulders. The school was deserted. Trying hard not to break down, I retrieved my notebooks and papers. They became stained with my blood. I gasped, leaning against the wall in the stairwell.
'I shouldn't be here...' My sobs bounced in the empty chamber, and I had to run from my voice. 'I can't go back, I gotta get away.' It was dark when I finally made it outside, turning the sky an ominous black. Suffocating on my scattered thoughts, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 'It's over, it's over, it's over. You're gonna be okay...'
I opened my eyes again, licking my dry lips and tasting blood, and stared at the ground. I knew for a fact that there'd be a lot of explaining to do. With my head bent and wet hair in my eyes, I started on my way home. New York City was a dangerous place at night; I should've known that at least. The hand that grabbed my wrist reminded me of my stupidity. I hazarded a glance back, fearing the faces of the dudes from before. It was not high school boys that stood behind me, but a group of men, a group of angry, drunk men.
I was dragged to an alleyway, and once again parted with my books. "Alright kid, give us your money." I had no money, nothing to give them. I didn't move. "I said give us your money bitch!"
"She don't have any money man, look at her." The leader of this unruly mob grinned showing uneven teeth. "What should we do with the broad then?" Hands on my shoulders pushed me against the side of a building. I stared up at the sky, determined not to look at the men in front of me.
'This isn't real, this isn't real...'
I bit my lip, closing my eyes. "You're a pretty little thing, aren't you?" I grimaced as a finger trailed down the side of my face. "And, you're so young..." He slid a hand under and up my shirt, but that was as far as he got.
"I think you better leave the kid alone." It was a new voice, different. He turned around, withdrawing his hand, surprise evident on his face. I slid to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest and ignoring the fight. I took a few deep shuddering breaths before breaking down. Everything was crashing around me, exploding in my head. I was going to be in so much trouble if and when I got home.
My brain was killing me, and I didn't want to think. Thinking led to stupid actions on my part. As the last thug hit the ground, I raised my head. It hurt my eyes to blink.
"Hey... you okay?" For the record, it wasn't entirely my fault when I passed out.
= =
Hmmm, that was interesting. There's also an original version of this fic (under my friend's account at fiction press) where she doesn't meet the turtles. The ending kinda sucks on that one though... I don't own the teenage mutant ninja turtles or the song 5-3-10-4 by Alkaline Trio. If you can't tell, I've got really diverse music tastes...eh heh...
Blah, this was kind of a filler chapter, but I wanted to set up the fact that Taxic is an utter reject. I have not actually come in contact with bullying of this degree, but if anyone out there has, let it be known:
THEY SHALL GET THEIR COME-UPPANCE! ...You also have not my pity but my admiration.
I love my reviewers. You people rock... Rock like a marble.
And (I know, this goes on forever) on the spoon comment: the end part of a spoon- the bowl part, it rocks a little.
Oh, and Taxic has no magical powers... she's just your average depressed high school student. I am considering some romance for her, but I'm not sure if she should get back with Simon or a turtle. I also wonder if she's too young for any kind of romance. She's only 15, and that is young for what she's been through/will go through. Hell, I'm still 14!
OH SNAP! I'm going on vacation for two weeks... so, I'm sorry...
I'm looking up and west for black to fill the sky
The sound of bottles breaking still breaking in my ears
They opened just in time to empty out
And gouge away the years..."
[ 5-3-10-4, Alkaline Trio ]
My head smacked the desk with a dull thud. The boy in the seat next to me jumped a little at the noise, and I let myself grin in satisfaction. The nagging exhaustion still hadn't left me after a month of living in this insufferable city, and I was beginning to think it was permanent. A girl, presumably the freaked-out boy's girlfriend, glared at me. I had been on the receiving end of a lot of glares as of late.
After about the first week, the Pretty Elite of General High quickly found me a moving target for all sorts of insults. Ever since the first day when some jerk heard my name as "Toxic" I became known as "that radioactive chick over there, in the corner." Rumors had spread about one of my notebooks holding extensive plans and hit lists. I wished.
The cafeteria was a battle ground, one I tried to avoid at all costs. Faceless people staring at me the second I walked in the door, as if they expected me to whip out a gun from nowhere and waste them all. I was never a fan of violence, but the fact that my patience was constantly tested with indignities could easily change my mind.
The hallways were even worse. People I didn't know pushed me, trapping me between the flow of bodies and lockers. My books were constantly knocked to the ground and trampled on. Once, I was almost sent toppling down the stairs. I turned off the pain, picked myself up and pretended it was all a play.
Sophomore year was turning into one hell of a party.
Auntie thought I was getting better, and that the pain of seeing my mother die was slowly fading. It was a good thing she couldn't see the light on in my room every night. The dark was not a comforting place to me anymore. I used to be able to sit in it for hours, just staring at the ceiling or watching the moon, but I lost my grip on the control I had over my memories. With the dark came the reminders. The light made it even harder to sleep.
"Peters!" Teacher Man's voice cut into my musings, and I slowly raised my head, blinking stupidly. What was it with most male teachers calling you by your last name? "Do you have any idea what's going on in the class right now?" My brain barely connected what he said. Teacher Man must've known I wasn't paying attention. "Girl, you've just earned yourself detention." Again, what was with the male teachers identifying you as your gender?
With a moan of disappointment, I dropped my forehead back onto the fake wood. It felt good against my cheek. Someone threw a paper wad at my neck, and it bounced into my lap. I smoothed it out over my legs. The word freak was spelled out in a multitude of neon colors, complete with flowers and hearts. It could've been an advert for the prom, if not for the word choice. With a tired sigh, I carefully folded it up and added it to the growing collection of other projectiles in my binder. The Back Row (home to the Pretty Elite) giggled smartly to themselves.
'How wonderful for you that you can hit a stationary human being.' I thought bitterly to myself, fisting my hands in my skirt. My lip bled under the strain of my front teeth gnawing at it, blood dripped down my chin. I ignored it, raising my head to check the clock.
"Oh my God! She's, like, a vampire too?" I couldn't believe I got up in the morning everyday just for this. Teacher Man went through many emotions following the exclamation. First, anger turned his face an unnatural red. Then, he was confused once the word 'vampire' registered. Finally, he rolled his eyes at the blood on my face, telling me to go to the nurse.
Nurse Lady almost fainted when I walked into her office. I guess she wasn't used to having patients bleeding all over themselves. She muttered about stitches while handing me an ice pack. The frigid cold hurt my teeth, and Nurse glared when I pulled it away from my mouth. I was tempted to ask her if she had any lethal injections, but knew it was stupid. I didn't need suicidal added to my lovely list of dysfunctions. Myca would've been able to do it; she never cared much for reputations. Nurse Lady clucked her tongue when I didn't put the ice back on my lip.
"Keep it in place." She jammed it into my mouth, and the back of my mouth burned at the contrast of hot and cold. I closed my eyes, hand moving up to cradle the side of my head. "Got a headache now, do you?" I nodded, opening my dull eyes. Nurse Lady looked nervously into the hall, then closed the door. "I could get in trouble for this, so keep it quiet." She opened a cabinet, producing a bottle of medication. "Here." Two little pills fell into my hand.
She gave me some water to make taking the medicine easier. "Thank you." Nurse Lady patted my cheek, and I caught sight of her name tag. Julie.
"I knew you could talk." Julie let me stay for the rest of class, making sure my lip didn't start bleeding again. "There you go. Come to me anytime you need help." I tried to smile for her, but instead nodded. Julie laughed, "get going Taxic." I didn't know she knew my name. My head didn't hurt for the remainder of the day.
Detention with Teacher Man sucked. He was mad at me for not coming back after he sent me to the nurse, and I lost the note Julie wrote to excuse me. I almost showed him one of my notes from the Pretty Elite on accident. Teacher Man retreated to his desk, an angry cloud following him, once he figured out I wasn't going to react to his angry tirades.
For my punishment, I was supposed to copy every other word in the dictionary. Instead, I closed my eyes and watched black and white images on my eyelids. Teacher Man growled threateningly, and I refocused onto him.
"I know your type."
'That's unnerving.'
"You kids are all the same."
'I am hardly a kid, thanks.'
"You think you're so depressing."
'Excuse me?'
"You complain all about this country, and plan to move to Europe."
'If you say so.'
"You want to make something of yourself, got big dreams."
'I guess...'
"Lemme tell you something, girl, you're gonna end up a nothing."
'Nothing isn't bad.'
It was a desperate shame that Teacher Man couldn't hear my thoughts, but a blessing too. No one deserved to be inside my head, including myself. While he ranted, I floated up to the ceiling, watching the drama unfold. Ground Me had her head down, and her dead leaf eyes were glazed over. Teacher Man didn't see her obvious disinterest or lack of life. He continued to yell, face getting redder by the second, spittle formed at the corners of his mouth.
I gazed on in sick fascination as Ground Me pushed up from her desk, eyes still on the ground, and shuffled out of the room. Teacher Man looked ready to split a blood vessel. Ground Me bit at her lip, picking at the scab there with her teeth. The confrontation with a teacher had been too much. People were noticing.
Auntie looked worried when I walked in, late from school, with blood covering my lower lip. She wanted to know if I got in a fight. I shook my head.
"Taxic, what happened then?"
"I bit my lip."
"That's an awful lot of blood." The comment was made more to herself, as she soaked a paper towel in water, and dabbed lightly at my mouth. Her hands on my shoulders kept me from moving away. "Taxic, I need to talk to you." A dull ache started up again in my head, this was not good news.
"I'm worried about you, sweetie. You don't talk much." She petted my hair, acting motherly. "I got a call from the school; they think you're on drugs." It was painfully blatant that Auntie wanted me to tell her otherwise. She wanted me to convince her that I was okay. Sad thing was, I couldn't even tell myself I was okay. "Are you... are you on drugs?
I shook my head, watching her visibly relax. Auntie's trust in me was endearing, yet disturbing. The faculty at my high school had just confessed the notion I was a potential drug addict, and she believed my word over the respected opinion of a school board. "I'll let you get started on your homework... Dinner's gonna be a little late tonight, your uncle has to work."
Hugging my messenger bag to my chest, I backed out of the kitchen, retreating to the confines of my room. Uncle had warned me many times not to play my music loud enough to bother the neighbors, seeing as we lived next to a rather older couple. After I plugged my stereo in, I went about the task of finding my CD case. Being the lazy creature I was, my room was still residence to a few cardboard boxes. Those things made nifty hampers.
Alkaline Trio was a good band.
Tobias had once tried to teach me how to play one of their songs on the guitar, but I couldn't get my fingers to work properly. Myca kept laughing at me too, which didn't help either. Banishing thoughts of my friends, I sat down on my bed with my notebook in my lap.
The only class I considered worthy of my attention was creative writing. Teacher (whom I found out was named Mrs. Grant) requested that we simply write for an hour or so straight. Mrs. Grant was cool, like Julie. They didn't make me talk.
As soon as my pen tip touched the paper, it all poured out.
"I'm tired, and sick, and I don't know who I am anymore. Simon dumped me, I hate him I love him. I want a friend to keep me sane; Myca should move down here. I can't sleep. Someone must have noticed how I'm falling apart. Can't you tell? Auntie thinks I'm on drugs, she doesn't believe me when I say I'm not. Maybe she does, I can't tell.
Does anyone notice I don't talk? Do they think I'm mute? Do they think I'm retarded? I don't know what I am anymore, and I miss Tobias. Tobias was nicer to me then Simon. Simon doesn't understand. He wanted me to have sex, he didn't get that I wasn't ready. I said no, I said no... and then I left. I left without saying good bye. He knew it was over. I just can't tell if I knew.
Myca hasn't called, I wanna talk to her. I want her to tell me I'll be okay. I want someone, ANYONE, to tell me I'll be okay. I'm not okay. I'm not gonna live through this. I can't do it anymore. I need help. My head won't stop aching, and my throat burns. Maybe that's why I can't talk. My voice hurts my own brain. Breathing makes my mouth itch. When I sneeze, I taste blood. I always taste blood now. Eating isn't worth it... I think I'm going crazy."
My hand started shaking, and I dropped my pen. I was falling fast into an oblivion of nothing. Sliding off the bed, I crawled to one of the bigger boxes. Still shivering, I wrapped my arms around my knees and rocked back and forth in my cardboard cave. Auntie knocked only once when she told me dinner was ready and left not soon after.
Covering my ears, I dug my finger nails into my skull, praying for something to make me normal. The music still played, and I tried to eat my lip; it tasted like metal on my tongue. If I tried hard enough, maybe I could swallow my body into empty blankness.
I woke up in the morning to the guitar of Alkaline Trio with a red-raw mouth. I hadn't managed to devour me yet, which was a grave disappointment in itself. I'm sure the greater population of General High supported my self-destructive ways complete with cheer routines and posters.
Taking extra care, I cleaned all the blood from my face with a warm washcloth. My face looked wicked pale in the mirror, and I hated myself for it. "You're going to be the death of me," I whispered to my reflection. I touched my hand to the glass, laying it flat across my double's eyes. "But not if I can kill you first."
Auntie sent me back to my room as soon as I entered the kitchen. "Sweetie, you've been wearing those pants for a week straight! Go change into something else." With a tired sigh, I returned to my quarters, finding a pair of jeans on the floor. Pulling my tee over my head, I grabbed a long sleeved shirt to replace it. I paused to gather my books, and shoulder my bag. Rubbing at my elbow, I presented my new outfit to my aunt.
Auntie opened her mouth, then closed it as I tied up my Chucks. "Don't you ever get tired of black?" I shrugged. "Don't you ever get tired of being silent?" Again, I shrugged. Exasperated, she handed me some toast and pointed to the door. "You're going to be late."
My breath formed clouds in the December air, and I pulled my books tighter to my chest. The icy slush on the ground froze my feet through my shoes. 'Should've worn boots.' A group of kids from my school walked by, hands full of lattes and thoughtless happiness. I wanted to kick them in the face and pour the scorching coffee in their eyes. Making sure to keep my distance from them as we gathered on the corner, I watched the DO NOT WALK sign.
"Look, it's that freaky chick from school." I sighed.
'No good deed ever goes unpunished.'
"She's creepy, I bet she's on drugs." I rubbed my temple with my free hand, trying to block out their cheap, plastic voices.
"Oh my God, that is so last week. Listen here ladies," the presumed leader flipped her fake blonde hair over her shoulder. "I heard that," she paused, making sure everyone was sucking up the rumors, "that she got an abortion, and the baby wasn't her boyfriend's." How they found out I even had a boyfriend was beyond me. Must've been a blonde mafia thing.
"So, she's a slut?"
"A druggie slut." I bit my lip, trying to keep the scream protests inside. They didn't deserve to know the truth. I couldn't let them taint the memory of my mother or my friends with questions and accusations. I comforted myself with the fact that I, who paid zero attention in class, was still going to graduate with more honors then them.
"Hey! Radioactive!" The idea slowly lost its appeal, as Blonde Leader turned to me with a dangerously sweet smile. "I totally love your outfit, I was just wondering... Did the drugs that are stuffed in your pants come with it?" I closed my eyes, knowing I was fighting a losing battle. Sure, I might've been smarter then them in the bitter end, but they would have the happier memories.
That's all that really matters, after all, the memories.
I ate lunch with Julie, and she said she was glad for the company. I sat on one of the beds, with my legs folded, and she perched on the side of a table. I shared my chips with her, and she let me have some of her coffee.
"Taxic, don't you want to eat with your friends?" I paused, not sure how to approach this new topic. Friends were something of the past, something that I kept locked up in my closet of remembering.
"I don't have friends." I didn't want pity. Coming to terms with my lack of companions was fairly easy; no one at General High seemed to fit into my category... whatever my category was, anyway. "People don't like me here."
"Well, from what I've seen of the kids in this grand facility, and believe me it's a lot, I can honestly say that you're one of the more genuine characters here. It's refreshing. Don't change Taxic; you're the one who's going to make it somewhere."
That was the nicest thing anyone had said to me since I moved. Auntie told me things would get better, and Mrs. Grant told me I had talent... But, Julie was something else. She was the school nurse; she didn't have to talk to a reject like me. She could've just treated my cut and sent me on my way.
I didn't realize she had hugged me until I smelled her perfume. She smelled like Mother. I didn't mean to start crying.
Mrs. Grant wanted me to read my paper out loud; she said that there was raw emotion and feeling. She stopped there, because my eyes had gotten so big she thought I was going to faint. She told me never mind, and sent me back to my desk at the back of the class. A kid tossed a paper wad at my face as I passed. Mrs. Grant picked it up and then told the kid to apologize, and that he had detention for thinking it was funny to insult classmates.
I felt a bit better as I curled up in my plastic chair in the corner. The kid glared at me the whole time, but the wall had captivated my attention and I was inclined to ignore him. I did stupid things like that on occasion, you must understand. When my eyes closed, I thought I could see my mother's face.
Mrs. Grant stopped me at the door. "Taxic, are you okay? Judging by your work, I don't think things were easy for you back home. Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head, wishing I could nod instead. I had recently discovered my body did the opposite of what I wanted it to do. "Alright, hon, but my door is always open."
I chewed my lip, fighting the bitter tired that threatened me. With my hands balled into nervous fists, I shuffled to the hall. Auntie wanted to talk to me about something rather important, or so she had said. As I stood in the hall, trying to determine what homework I needed to do, they cornered me.
"We hear you got our friend in trouble." There were three of them, including the kid who had detention for the paper wad. One of them cracked their knuckles.
My mouth went dry.
"See, bitch, we don't like it when people mess with us. It tends to lead to nasty accidents..." They grinned evil smiles. "You've been asking for this for awhile, haven't you?"
I tried to take a deep breath.
It happened rather quickly. First, they ripped my books out of my hands, flinging them all over the hall. Two of them held my arms, while the other punched me in the stomach; I never was a strong girl. I tried to fight the tears and whimpers, but my attempts were in vain.
"I think she likes it, man!" They dropped my hands, and I doubled over. "They say you're a vampire, and vampires like the dark." Blood dripped from my mouth, as I bit my lip. "Let's give her a permanent coffin, shall we?"
It was dark in the locker, and I couldn't breathe. Was this what it was like for Mother when they buried her? My nails were torn from trying to break out. I choked on my sobs and panic attacks. 'Oh God. Oh God. I can't see, what's going on...' The darkness provided by my coffin was no different then when I closed my eyes. 'No, I can't breathe. This isn't right... I don't want to die...' My throat burned, as did my head. Nothing was coming out straight, and my fingers were bleeding. I could feel the stickiness on my palms. I rested my forehead against the hot metal, hands curling into fists on the door.
Pushing myself away, I braced my back against the locker side connected to the door. Trying to stay calm, I kicked at the door with the bottom of my feet.
The cold air felt refreshing as I tumbled out of the locker. I left bloody hand prints on the floor, and the inside of the locker door was scratched up and dented. I crouched on the floor, ravaged hands gripping my shoulders. The school was deserted. Trying hard not to break down, I retrieved my notebooks and papers. They became stained with my blood. I gasped, leaning against the wall in the stairwell.
'I shouldn't be here...' My sobs bounced in the empty chamber, and I had to run from my voice. 'I can't go back, I gotta get away.' It was dark when I finally made it outside, turning the sky an ominous black. Suffocating on my scattered thoughts, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 'It's over, it's over, it's over. You're gonna be okay...'
I opened my eyes again, licking my dry lips and tasting blood, and stared at the ground. I knew for a fact that there'd be a lot of explaining to do. With my head bent and wet hair in my eyes, I started on my way home. New York City was a dangerous place at night; I should've known that at least. The hand that grabbed my wrist reminded me of my stupidity. I hazarded a glance back, fearing the faces of the dudes from before. It was not high school boys that stood behind me, but a group of men, a group of angry, drunk men.
I was dragged to an alleyway, and once again parted with my books. "Alright kid, give us your money." I had no money, nothing to give them. I didn't move. "I said give us your money bitch!"
"She don't have any money man, look at her." The leader of this unruly mob grinned showing uneven teeth. "What should we do with the broad then?" Hands on my shoulders pushed me against the side of a building. I stared up at the sky, determined not to look at the men in front of me.
'This isn't real, this isn't real...'
I bit my lip, closing my eyes. "You're a pretty little thing, aren't you?" I grimaced as a finger trailed down the side of my face. "And, you're so young..." He slid a hand under and up my shirt, but that was as far as he got.
"I think you better leave the kid alone." It was a new voice, different. He turned around, withdrawing his hand, surprise evident on his face. I slid to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest and ignoring the fight. I took a few deep shuddering breaths before breaking down. Everything was crashing around me, exploding in my head. I was going to be in so much trouble if and when I got home.
My brain was killing me, and I didn't want to think. Thinking led to stupid actions on my part. As the last thug hit the ground, I raised my head. It hurt my eyes to blink.
"Hey... you okay?" For the record, it wasn't entirely my fault when I passed out.
= =
Hmmm, that was interesting. There's also an original version of this fic (under my friend's account at fiction press) where she doesn't meet the turtles. The ending kinda sucks on that one though... I don't own the teenage mutant ninja turtles or the song 5-3-10-4 by Alkaline Trio. If you can't tell, I've got really diverse music tastes...eh heh...
Blah, this was kind of a filler chapter, but I wanted to set up the fact that Taxic is an utter reject. I have not actually come in contact with bullying of this degree, but if anyone out there has, let it be known:
THEY SHALL GET THEIR COME-UPPANCE! ...You also have not my pity but my admiration.
I love my reviewers. You people rock... Rock like a marble.
And (I know, this goes on forever) on the spoon comment: the end part of a spoon- the bowl part, it rocks a little.
Oh, and Taxic has no magical powers... she's just your average depressed high school student. I am considering some romance for her, but I'm not sure if she should get back with Simon or a turtle. I also wonder if she's too young for any kind of romance. She's only 15, and that is young for what she's been through/will go through. Hell, I'm still 14!
OH SNAP! I'm going on vacation for two weeks... so, I'm sorry...