Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow..."
[ Mad World, Gary Jules ]
Her reaction was something I should've expected, but didn't.
"TAXIC? Whoa, haven't heard from you in a good while. What's the deal?" I sighed, pulling a leg up and wrapping my arm around it. "Oh, I know what that means." The street lamp above me flickered, I watched it wearily. "I heard about Simon, how are you holding up?
"I'm okay." Myca missed the lie and made a humming noise. She would've been able to catch it if we had been talking face to face.
"He's going out with some blonde now. Great guy, that ex boyfriend of your's." I bit my lip, hand fisting in the material of my pants. "Tobias misses you. Apparently, you were the only thing that kept Simon from wailing on 'im."
'Oh great. Just what I need, more guilt on my conscience.' "Poor kid..."
"Ah, don't worry. He's spending more time out of the house and he practices his guitar too." I paused, shifting. It seemed as if the night moved with me. Was that all I was to the world? Just another patch of dark?
"He doesn't go to your house?"
"He used to, but now I can't see anyone. I'm under house arrest." Myca laughed nervously. "Yeah, my mom kinda found some drugs of mine, so I can't go anywhere or do anything." I sighed.
"Guess you can't come and see me?"
"Yeah, I was thinking about it for Christmas break. Maybe Satan will let me out of my cell for a few days. Hey, how is it there? Are the kids treating you okay at school?"
'No. They hate me. They want me dead' "It's okay." On Myca's side, I heard a door open and my friend cuss. "What's wrong?"
"I'm not supposed to be on the- Don't, you little brat! Hey! Come back here!" A little girl squeaked in the background. "Phone. Gah, oh damn." The little girl yelled something, and I could make out Mrs. Thompson reprimanding her daughter.
"I clearly stated that you are not to use the phone, young lady. Hand it over." The only person I knew who could handle my bizarre friend was her mother, who I assumed was equally bizarre in her own ways.
"No... I was in the middle of a conversation! Damn it woman! Give me my phone back! Hey! I was talking to someone! Woman!" Myca's whining disappeared as her mother took over.
"Be quiet! I should give you another week for being so disrespectful!" She paused, "I'm sorry, who is this?"
"This is Taxic, ma'am."
"Oh," her voice lightened considerably. "I'm sorry dear, Myca won't be able to talk you anymore... or anyone for that matter."
"Like hell I won't!" Myca yelled in the background.
"Just for that, you get another month!" I winced; grounding had never been very easy on Myca. Her mother was a bit of a Nazi at times. "I'm sorry Taxic, but we have to go now." The phone went dead and I was left staring at it in disbelief.
'Great,' I exhaled in a rushing sigh. 'Now what?' I couldn't go back to my Aunt's home (it was never really my house in the first place) and try to explain the complexity of high school. There wasn't a single chance I could get a ride back to my old neighborhood. Who would take me in once I got there, anyway?
Not that it mattered, but it was half past nine. I blinked, rubbing at my face with my sleeve. The temperature was dropping and I was going to have to find a place to stay fast. I amused myself by pretending to smoke a cigarette, my breath forming mini clouds in the night air and it took my mind off of things for a brief minute. A 10-second vacation, if you will.
Straightening my legs out in front of me, I stretched my arms. New York City was not a good place to be at night and alone. I knew that already from the previous night. The stars in the sky told me how stupid I was being and that I should find a place to camp out. I shot back that there was nowhere I could go. The stars pointed out that I could break into the school and sleep there for the night.
I gagged at the very thought. School was painful enough in the daytime, and there was no way in hell I would sleep there. I yawned, standing up. If I was gonna find a hotel or something, I had better start somewhere. Slipping my phone back into a pocket, I raised my eyes upward. 'Let's get this freak show on the road.' My eagerness was disturbing.
It was with a depressed stare that I stumbled on the sidewalk. Deciding to ration my cash, I ignored my brain's begging for coffee. Even though the caffeine would help me stay alert, it would also cost a lot. I bowed my head, contemplating my next move. Calling Myca was clearly out of the question, and I wasn't about to get in touch with Simon.
I growled exasperatedly as some hair fell in front of my eyes. Without even noticing it, I pulled my hair back and secured it with an elastic. Without my dark curtain, I felt naked and exposed. Heat reddened my face, and I kicked at the ground nervously.
'I need to get out of here.' I rubbed my hands together, getting a look at my watch. 'Almost midnight.' A slight vibration against my breast startled me. I retrieved my cell phone, flipping it open and answering.
"Hello?"
"Taxic!" Myca's voice was hushed. "I can't be on long... everyone's asleep now." I remained silent, letting her do the talking. "I called your aunt, but she said she didn't know where you were." I opened my mouth, but she continued. "I'm not gonna tell her I got a hold of you, I figger you don't want her to know. Just, stay safe, Taxic, okay?"
"I'll try."
"Where are you right now? I mean, do you have a place to sleep?" I shrugged, forgetting that she couldn't see me. "Look, I have to go now, but I promise I'll call you. And, when I can't... I'll get Tobias to. He could really use the human contact, poor kid." I bade her fare well, and she did the same. I felt like sobbing when she hung up.
'What about me? I need the human contact too.' Angrily, I shoved the phone into my jeans pocket. Curse Myca for getting herself in trouble. I needed her help more than anyone else, and she couldn't give it to me. How many times had I helped her? I rubbed my head, trying to banish the onslaught of pain that was forming. 'Just calm down, and focus on finding a place to stay.'
I studied the buildings, turning in a slow circle; something about this place screamed déjà vu. As I completed my fourth rotation and started my fifth, it hit me. The alley in front of me was where I had climbed out of the turtle's domain. A heated debate was forming in my head as soon as I reached the conclusion that I was indeed close to my shelled saviors.
'Michelangelo did tell me to come back, right?'
'He could've just been saying that.'
'You sure?'
'No, but I don't want to impose. I'm just going to be a burden.'
'You really think so?'
'Yeah, I do.'
'Well, with that in mind, tally ho!'
With slumped shoulders, and a look of perpetual confusion, I slid the sewer cover off. Taking a deep breath, I lowered my body down into the endless pipe maze. Getting back to the lair was not as hard as I had originally thought. I moved slowly, keeping one hand over my mouth to stifle my breathing. Squinting blindly, I tried to make out any shapes in the pitch darkness. I gave up, and dropped to my knees.
Eventually, I found the couch.
Giving into the blind exhaustion, I slipped my boots off and curled up, using my trench coat as a blanket. I shivered, wrapping my arms around myself. A sly voice that sounded like oil on broken glass smiled and said I didn't belong there. What in the world made me think I would fit in? My own family couldn't bear my presence, my best friend in the whole universe couldn't help me, so what had me convinced that I actually belonged with the turtles?
It was going to be a long night. Not bothering to disagree with the voice, I buried my head in my hands and tried to sleep. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to get lost in dream land, and my thoughts were soon full of black wings and wedding dresses.
"Guys, why is there a girl on our couch?" I rubbed at my eyes, finding them crusted over with mascara and eye liner. Someone was talking, that much I understood.
"Dude, don't ask questions, just go with it!" It took me a minute to realize it was me they were talking about. Raising my head, I blinked and the world came into focus. Michelangelo talked to a turtle that I assumed was Leonardo, the eldest of the four. "Oh, hey! It's Taxic!" I nodded, trying to smile.
"Good morning Michelangelo." Donatello chose this moment to join us, and he paused when he saw me sitting in their lair. I gave a hesitant wave.
"You came back." I nodded again, rubbing at my face with a sleeve. "Leo, this is Taxic. She's the girl we found a few nights ago." Shyly, I shook his hand, feeling a little nervous under his studying gaze.
"Babe, you hungry?" Michelangelo called from the kitchen. I shrugged unsure, noticing how little hunger had been affecting me in the last few weeks. Pondering over this, I slid a hand under my many layers to rest on my stomach. Was it a bad thing when you could feel your own ribs?
"What's wrong?" I met Leonardo's masked eyes and almost shrunk away.
"Nothing, I'm okay." My ability to mask any and all disturbances unsettled me deeply. I was going to be the announcer person who told the whole city about an apocalypse without sounding the least bit worried. Something about the way he watched me told me that Leonardo didn't believe my quick response. It was about time someone started to notice my habitual fibbing.
"I see that Ms. Peters has returned to us." I turned, as did the guys, when Master Splinter hobbled his way next to me. "How are you, my child?" Unconsciously, I clenched my hand in the fabric of my sweater. So many things I could've said. I was confused, tired, healing, about to die... And yet, I found myself in a more optimistic mood than I was yesterday!
"I am... better." It was the truth this time. Something inside my soul, something that had once been coated in spider webs and depression sparked alive. His smile was wise, and I felt compelled to return it. There was hope for me after all.
"That is good to hear. Perhaps you would like to join us for a brief breakfast before my sons begin their training." Michelangelo groaned from the kitchen. I bit my lip, unsure of how to explain my lack of an appetite. Just when things were looking up too.
'I have to learn to fit in somehow, eh?' Deciding to suck up my inner protests, I nodded. 'I should've learned to ignore my inner voices a long time ago.' Standing up, I noticed that I was a few inches shorter than the turtles. I followed Splinter to the kitchen, staying off to the side. Who knew if they each had their own places to sit at the table? I didn't want to off set the routine they had so obviously acquired.
"Leonardo," he looked up, "go wake your brother."
"Yes sensei." I felt like an outsider, watching such an oddly normal family. "Taxic, you can sit down you know." I blushed slightly, eyes glued to the floor. Donatello nodded, gesturing to the table, where Splinter had already sat down.
"Yeah, just pick a chair. It doesn't really matter where we sit." Still feeling fidgety, I shuffled to the chair next to Splinter. The elderly rat placed a hand over mine.
"You can be calm, there is no danger here." Taking a deep shuddering breath, I closed my eyes. They didn't deserve this. They shouldn't have to deal with a dysfunctional teen such as myself. Needless to say, I carried a lot of issues on my shoulders. Leonardo returned, a disgruntled Raphael behind him, and I opened my eyes. In the back of my mind, I heard The Blonde Mafia giggling.
"I need help." My voice cracked, like the walls I built up around my memories. Every eye was on me, and my face burned with icy paleness. My pounding breath echoed in my ears. "Can't you hear me...? I'm breaking." I didn't actually intend to start crying. I had hoped that maybe, I could push all my defects into my mental closet, and bury them, but alas, I could not escape the bitterness General High had poisoned me with.
No.
It wasn't my high school that did it. I did it to myself. A hand was placed on my shoulder, and I grabbed at the three fingers. I needed something to cling to, more than ever. The rubber band in my soul was straining, and I could feel the fibers start to give. I met Master Splinter's gaze with uncertainty.
"Please tell me, what upsets you so?" Something in his voice, or the way he seemed to genuinely care, it terrified me. All of them, not just Master Splinter but the turtles as well, looked at me like they wanted to help. I wasn't used to that.
The underside of my wrist froze, and my bloody ran cold, traveling up my arms to my heart and lungs. Thoughts created a tornado in my brain, destroying themselves as if they were stuck in some kind of blender. I could feel my lower lip tremble, as my eyes tripled in size. With all these reactions mutating by the second, I did the only thing I could think of doing.
I ran.
The chair clattered to the floor as I pulled on and zipped up my boots. Leonardo followed me, watching as I struggled with my trench coat, his brothers and master weren't far behind. Michelangelo was the one to break the drowning silence.
"Why are you leavin'?" I smoothed my hair down, attempting (and failing, might I add) to look dignified instead of mentally unstable. I tried to keep my voice even.
"You are too good to be... tainted by knowing a screw up like me." The dam I'd constructed to keep my emotions at bay was crumbling. All the hard word I had done was deteriorating more with every passing second I spent staring and being stared at.
"Who says you're a screw up, Taxic?" My eyes flew to Donatello.
"Everyone." I hadn't meant for them to be able to hear it. Heat rushed over me, followed closely by ice. 'I can't handle this.' "Please," I begged, "don't trouble yourselves with me. I'm not worth it." Raphael crossed his arms, leaning against the wall.
"You should know that Fearless leader here," he cocked his head in Leonardo's direction, "doesn't give up all that easily. None of us do." Michelangelo stepped forward, putting his arm around my shoulders.
"Yeah babe, you're staying." He gestured grandly to the sewer lair. "Welcome to the family." He moved his hand from my shoulder to my head, ruffling and un-smoothing my hair. "I've always wanted a little sister!"
"Ha, Mikey, you're not the baby anymore." I smiled in spite of myself as Raphael and Michelangelo squabbled. I had acquired four older brothers and a father all in one day. As the laughter of my siblings washed over me, I felt my smile grow bigger. Today was a good day.
Master Splinter invited me to watch one of their sessions, and he offered to teach me as well. I declined, shaking my head. I sat next to Splinter, mirroring his cross legged meditation. It was fun watching them fight and train. I was regretting my decision of not accepting his offer.
It would make an awesome writing piece, to try and talk about my new brothers and father without giving away their hidden secrets. Too bad I wasn't going back to school. I vaguely wondered if I was allowed to tell Myca about them and I made a mental note to ask Master Splinter about it later. Unknowingly, I drummed out the beat to Radio, by Alkaline Trio, on my knee and I hummed softly.
I couldn't remember ever feeling this relaxed. Closing my eyes, I enjoyed the sound of weapon beating against weapon. A hand rested softly on my shoulder, and I looked up. Leonardo stood behind his sensei; the other three were nowhere in sight.
"C'mon, the others are watching TV. Mikey says that you need to rescue him from Raph too." I unfolded my legs, and Leonardo extended a tri-fingered hand for me. I accepted, and he pulled me to my feet with ease. "You're real light, when was the last time you had some food?" I shrugged, remembering my pale skin stretched over my ribs. Myca was right, I needed to gain weight or I would blow away.
Michelangelo and Raphael lounged on the couch, the latter glaring venomously at the TV. Donatello was nowhere in sight. Master Splinter eased into his armchair, studying his son and then moving his knowing gaze to the television. I copied him, sitting next to Michelangelo and watched the screen with curiosity. An overly tan couple showed off their virgin-white teeth and I rolled my eyes.
"The news was just on, wasn't it?" Leonardo asked cautiously from behind me. I craned my neck to get a better look at his face. He glanced down, meeting my questioning stare before raising an eyebrow to his brother. "Raph?"
"Yeah," the turtle under interrogation growled. "The stupid punks are still pushing that drug story." He tightened his grip on his sais.
"They're doing a full blown drug search, dude." I rolled my eyes a second time. The feds were always getting involved at the wrong times.
"Glad I'm not going back there, then." That was entirely the wrong thing to say, I later realized. All heads turned in my direction, with a snap that echoed in the surrounding sewer tunnels.
"Taxic," Donatello began gently, "what grade are you in, exactly?"
In a voice that was far too quiet to be natural, I answered. "I'm in 10th grade..." Donatello considered this.
"So, you're 15?" I nodded, dropping my gaze to my clasped hands in my lap. "You're not dropping out of school, not at that young of an age."
"Donatello is right." Master Splinter spoke from his chair, hands folded neatly in front of him. "Knowledge is important. You must further your education." I couldn't look at them; it hurt to know that they thought I was giving up. The glowing screens of Donatello's computers caught my attention.
"You can teach me." It sounded like a good idea. From what I had deduced, Donatello was the brains of the ninja turtles. Leonardo also looked to be a reasonable fellow with a capable mind. Already I could see the discomfort forming on their faces.
"Taxic..." Leonardo trailed off uncertainly. "That's flattering and everything, but..." The eldest looked to his father for help, and the wise rodent regarded me with understanding.
"My daughter, however my sons are intelligent in the ways of the ninja," Michelangelo had the decency to appear modest, "they aren't skilled in the ways of educating a teenager." I nodded, knowing it had been stupid from the get-go.
"Please," I whispered, "don't make me go back there." I hugged myself, digging my nails into my nonexsistant stomach. "Don't make me..." Michelangelo put an arm around my shoulders, and I leaned into his hug. It was a comforting thought, having someone touch you with no ulterior motive besides consolation.
"What's the matter, babe?" I shook my head, hair whipping my face and stinging my eyes. My throat burned, the ever present itch intensifying at the back of my mouth. Even though the words were begging to be let out, I denied myself the freedom of speech. Something as sub-human as myself didn't deserve it.
= =
I feel I must apologize for taking so very, very long. There are many excuses I have in my hat, but none of them are plausible. One is that I just started high school, so it's been a helluva trip. Second is that, my computer had to be reformatted, so I haven't had much access to it. Sorry luvs.
I'd like to thank my reviewers, you're wonderful, I love you... And I hope this chapter was a bit better. I'd like to believe I'm improving, but I doubt it. Hmm, I don't own Mad World, by Gary Jules. It's a beautiful song, and you should all take the time to listen to it.
You guys rock, like a CD.
Thank you.