I never knew that my story would be so hard to write. There's so much to say, but I'm having trouble even saying it.

He's different. No doubt about that. But there are little things. He doesn't like to talk about college much, or about Avalanche. He doesn't like to talk about the 4 years he'd been away from Minnesota.

Do I tell you that I still love him, despite how long we've been apart? Do I tell you that when I see him he makes my world so much better by just being there? Or should I say that I want to be with him again?

Or I could say that I'm over him. That I have been for four years. That I don't want to be with him again, that I've moved on.

But I'd be lying.

"Ok, I've donated the past hour to helping you go through this incredibly boring book, the least you could do is pay attention."

I looked up at Fulton, who scowled at me from the other end of the couch we shared in the living room. "Sorry," I said softly.

He lifted the big Physicians Desktop Reference and placed it in my lap. "Just concentrate."

I sighed and flipped the book open. "Ok..." I tried to focus on the words, but they blurred before my eyes. "I can't do this."

"Why not?" Fulton demanded.

I looked up at him. "I feel like crap."

He frowned. "What's wrong?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I keep thinking..."

"About...?"

"Adam."

I don't know if it's because of the type of person Fulton is, but I expected him to laugh. Instead, he leant forward and pulled me into a short, but meaningful hug.

"What was that for?" I asked him.

He smiled. "You're my sister and I love you." He paused. "And I'm not on drugs, I don't have a fever and I haven't taken too many hockey pucks to the head. I just care, ok?"

I smiled. "Thanks."

He grinned. "I mean, I am your older brother."

"By 3 and a half minutes!" I told him.

"What about Adam anyway?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Seeing him again after so long...still having feelings for him...it's weird."

"I knew you still had something for him," Fulton admitted. "Call it twin intuition."

I felt tears build behind my eyes. "I feel stupid. Nothing's happened, but still...I just miss him, I guess. I miss being loved like that."

"How do you know that you're not loved like that anymore?"

"Trust me, I know."

Fulton rolled his eyes. "You're just feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe there's something about Adam you don't know."

I shrugged. "I probably am. I don't even know why I'm acting like this. It's not like we mean anything to each other anymore."

"Whatever. You're only each other's first love." He shut the PDR and got up. "Think about it Dee."

I tossed and turned, Fulton's words filling my head. 'Maybe there's something about Adam you don't know...'

I couldn't sleep.

But suddenly, my beeper sounded and I scrambled across my room to grab it.

I dialed the hospital and waited.

"Emergency Room."

"Hey Naomi," I greeted. "What's up?"

"Hey Scout," Naomi responded. "We need you in here. Taylor and Wheeler had to call Marks in and the whole place is exploding with sick people and those who have been in accidents."

I sighed. "Ok, give me 20."

I hung up the phone and pulled a pair of green scrubs from my closet that I'd acquired from the hospital and pulled them on. Adding to it my ID badge and I pulled my hair back into a messy bun.

"Hey Scout," Naomi greeted from where she was haphazardly flitting around the waiting room.

"Where do I start?" I asked her.

"Curtain 4. Stab victim. We cut off the blood flow, but now she's got sudden chest pains. We dropped her sats but Dr. Marks wants scan her for a pulmonary embolism."

I nodded and headed for the curtain. I pulled it back and greeted the young woman with a smile. She smiled back weakly.

I checked her fluids and started a drip of bolus 5000 heparin at 1000 an hour.

"You're gonna be fine," I assured her, checking over her chart and signing off at the bottom.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"Next!" I called to Naomi who placed a chart in my hands.

I read it over and frowned. A young Hodgkin's disease sufferer was bought in after he collapsed while playing football with his friends.

I made my way down the hall.

"Reed!"

I turned around to see Dr. Marks striding towards me. "Have you seen that stab victim?"

I nodded. "I started a drip of bolus 5000 heparin at 1000 an hour."

He didn't say anything and hurried away.

I kept down the hall, stopping out front of room 3. I knocked and pushed the door open.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Reed."

I closed the chart and set it down on the table and looked up.

And gasped.

"Fulton? What are you doing? You know you're not allowed to walk into anyone's room."

Fulton got up. "Wait Dakota," he said as I reached up to pull open the curtain to reveal my patient.

"I don't have time," I replied irritably. "You can't be here."

He took my hands in his. "Get another doctor. You can't be here."

I frowned. "What's going on, Fulton? Is this your idea of a joke? Is Charlie and Portman behind there, waiting to scare me?" I wriggled out of his grasp and pulled the curtain back, and felt my knees give out.

Fulton caught me. "I didn't want you to see that."

My breath left my lungs as I sagged against him. "Adam..." I whispered.

The lifeless form on the bed wasn't Adam. It couldn't be.

"He didn't want anyone to know..."

I swallowed. "What happened to him?"

"He has cancer, Dee."

I stood up and pulled myself away from Fulton. "That's not funny," I accused. "This is all some kind of joke." I strode over to the bed and shook Adam's cold, frail shoulder. "Get up! Joke's over."

"Dakota..."

"No." I silenced Fulton and turned around. "This can't be happening."

"It is. He was diagnosed 2 years ago."

"He can't have cancer," I objected. "He's so young, he can't be sick..."

Fulton moved toward me and took me in his arms. "I'm so sorry."

I wiped at my dry face. I couldn't cry.

"What happened?" I choked out, avoiding Adam lying on the bed so helpless.

"We were throwing the football in the park and he just...collapsed."

I picked up his chart and flipped through it, noticing he was on 250 of ceftriaxone I.M., a gram of zithromax P.O. and 550 of Anaprox.

"Two years? Why didn't he tell me?"

"He didn't want anyone to know. He wanted to deal with it on his own..."

"I don't understand," I said, sinking into a chair. "He was fine the other day. He's playing professional hockey..."

"That's because the other day he was fine. But today, he's not..."

"I can't believe it," I muttered. "This has to be a bad dream, I have to wake up..." I turned to Fulton. "How long have you known about this?"

"Since he got back from Yale."

Tears built up behind my eyes and I leant forward, tucking my head between my knees. "No, nonononononono."

I began to sob, my whole body shaking. The tears fell freely, staining the legs of my scrubs.

"I love him so much," I cried. "I love him...I need him...he can't die Fulton! He can't!"

Fulton knelt down and bought me into his arms, rubbing my back soothingly. "Shh, it's gonna be ok," he told me. "You've gotta be strong for Adam."

I shook my head and looked up. "How am I supposed to be strong when half of me is dying?"

Fulton didn't have a chance to reply before the Ducks burst in, accompanied by Adam's parents.

"Is he ok?" Connie demanded, her face white and her hands shaking.

I hugged her. "Cancer," I said softly into her hair.

She let out a sob. "Oh God..."

Everyone stood around in silence, watching Adam lying lifeless on the gurney.

"This is inconceivable," Averman muttered softly. "This can't be happening."

Connie began to cry and Charlie pulled her to him, his own face stained with tears.

I wiped my eyes and stood up, grabbing Adam's chart once again, and turned to face Phillip and Melanie Banks.

"According to his chart, Adam's Hodgkin's has accelerated, which means the number of immature, abnormal white blood cells in the lymphatic tissue is deteriorating at a much higher rate than when he was diagnosed."

Even as I read the printed information, I couldn't believe it. The man I loved was dying.

"His cancer is in what we call 'stage three', and that means that the lymphatic tissue has been broken down in more than one organ, and in Adam's case, the spleen and his left lung." I took a deep breath and looked at Adam's parents. "He'll need to be admitted and tested to see how far along the disease has progressed."

Fulton grabbed my hand and squeezed.

"He's on medicine that will thin his blood and that will keep him comfortable, but there are many tests he'll have to go through in determining the severity."

Melanie Banks swallowed and leaned against Mr. Banks, and her ex-husband held her tightly and stroked her hair.

"Why Adam?" Phillip muttered. "He was doing so well..." He led his wife out of the room.

"Someone tell me this isn't real," Charlie demanded softly from where he stood holding Connie. "Someone tell me Banks is gonna wake up and yell 'gotcha'."

I sank into Fulton's embrace as the tears kept rolling down my face. I couldn't be a doctor for Adam. I couldn't grieve and be logical at the same time.

"How bad is this?" Goldberg asked me softly.

I took in a shaky breath. "Looking at his paperwork..." I began. "It's bad."

"How bad?" Connie asked. "Like...death bad?"

"Possibly."

"Oh God," she choked out. "Oh my God..."

I looked around the cramped hospital room, at the worried faces and the tears. At the people who were Adam's closest and greatest friends. At the people who've known him for most of his life. At the people who were going to lose a friend to cancer.