Title: Interfering With Salvation
Author: Aydin SK
Rating: R (language)
Characters: Spike/Buffy. All Scoobies appear.
Summary: Buffy get's sued by a vamp. Spike volunteers to be her lawyer, which he becomes.
Timeline: Set during season 6.
Chapters: 1 of 2
Date: September 29, 2002.
Disclaimer: All belongs to Joss.
Interfering With Salvation
"Oh, no you don't," Buffy ordered the vampire, after she skilfully tackled it down to the ground. "You don't really think you can run away from me, now do ya?"
With a smack the vampire fell on it's back, completely baffled, he watched how Buffy went to sit on top of him. She raised her arm with the stake in her fist, ready to dust this fanged son of a bitch.
"Any last requests?" she asked the vampire.
"No, not particularly," it declined.
"Good. Wasn't planning on granting you one anyway."
The vampire smiled devious at her, only a heartbeat before another individual jumped at Buffy, who pushed her off the vampire. She landed a few feet away, and struggled with the man on top of her. When she punched him right on the nose, she discovered this was nor a demon nor a vampire, and not much of a fighter either.
As the man fell backwards, crying out in pain, Buffy let out an angry groan and stood up. Did a human just tinker with her slayer duties? From protecting the humankind? Is this guy completely nuts?
"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" she wanted to know.
With a lot of difficulty, pain and some "ow's", the man collected himself to finally stand straight. He looked kind of formal, with the black suit and his briefcase lying on the ground.
"You were about to kill that man!" he finally answered, as he pointed at the vampire. "And I think you broke my damn nose!"
Buffy turned around, and much to her surprise the vampire was still present. Only the lumpy face and fangs were no longer showing.
"What, that? That's a vampire. And it's my duty to kill those. It's my sacred birthright to protect mankind, the kind that actually breathes. Therefor I am, the Vampire Slayer," she theatrically informed the man.
The man stared at her, clearly showing he was seriously doubting her mental health. Then he looked over her shoulder, and gestured the man, aka vampire, to come closer.
Dubious the vampire approached the neatly dressed man, who held out his hand and introduced himself.
"David Logan, attorney."
"Dustin," he replied, as he shook the attorney's hand.
"Dustin? You gotta be kidding me! Did you just happen to make that up 'cause I was planning on Dusting your ass? Or is that actually your name?" Buffy scoffed, followed by an "Ugh!".
The attorney and Dustin exchanged a meaningful look, and briefly glanced at Buffy.
"Do you want to sue this woman?" Mr. Logan asked the vampire.
Dustin took a moment, actually just a second, to think it over. "Sure," he shrugged. "This should be fun."
Buffy's eyes grew big, she couldn't believe what she was hearing! "Sue me?! On what fucking grounds!?"
"Attempted murder and emotional distress," Mr. Logan replied.
Still befuddled, she answered a couple of Logan's questions. Before he walked off he advised Buffy to get a lawyer, and gave her a provocative smile.
"See you in court, Miss Summers."
"Sued?!" Spike asked Buffy with disbelief.
"Yes, Spike; sued! Sued, sued, SUED! A vampire is suing me! Can you believe it?!"
"Sued?!" he asked again, only much more appalled. "Are you sure you didn't misheard the fella?"
Abruptly Buffy stopped pacing up and down, to face Spike, "Yes, I'm sure! But I'm starting to think you didn't hear a word I said!"
"Oh, I bloody heard you, all right! It jus' seems.. It's.. We gotta nail these sods!" Spike said with a resolved face.
"I can't afford a lawyer, Spike!" she argued.
Spike grinned meaningful at her, and told her to "Wait right 'ere, pet. Got just the thing!".
He disappeared to the lower level of his crypt, and returned after few minutes.
Surprised Buffy raised her eyebrows when Spike proudly presented himself, carrying a briefcase. Puzzled she studied him.
"Spike, what's with the...briefcase?"
"What's it bloody look like?! I'm - "
"It looks kinda odd. The briefcase and the duster? Seriously non-mixing things," she interrupted him.
"No," he sighed exasperated. "That's not what I mean, love."
"Then what do you mean?" she asked, dumbfounded.
"Pro bono, pet. You just got yourself a lawyer!" he happily announced, and licked his lips the way that he does.
As she processed this new, and extremely shocking, information, she glared at him, "Huh?"
Next morning Buffy woke in her own bed. She hadn't spent the night at Spike's, as she found her sued self deeply troubled. And felt especially awkward with the idea of him being her counsellor.
So she decided to go home, to nuzzle up with her stuffed piggy, Mr. Gordo, and take in all these oddities.
Buffy hadn't brought up 'her ass being sued' to her friends last night, after she got home. But she had to break it to them sooner or later. And today would be it.
She phoned everybody, meaning those who didn't live in her house, and around noon they all rendez-vous'd at the Summers residence.
Giles was the first to arrive, that left everyone waiting for Anya and Xander, who got there 20 minutes later.
As Buffy opened the door, Xander stood there with Anya on his arm, "Hey Buffster," he smiled. "Found something sticking out of your mailbox."
He handed her an envelope, that seemed a little off, in Xan's opinion. "Something's off all right," Buffy muttered as she stepped backwards so her friends could get in. She shut the door and while she walked into the living room she opened the envelope, to find a subpoena. Her face fell, and decided she wanted Spike here as well.
"Ehm, excuse me guys. Gotta make a phone call first," she told the gang, without looking up.
She picked up the phone, and dialled the number of Spike's cellphone. Surprisingly enough, that was a gift from Xander, well, to Buffy actually. But she loaned it to Spike with Xander's hesitant consent. She had never called Spike on his cellular before, but then again that wasn't so surprising, seeing he only had that thing for a few days and that she was constantly with him.
She was kind of curious how Spike would answer a phone, or if he knew how to answer a phone at all.
"Spike's cryptic office," he laughed on the other end of the line.
"Hi Spike," she replied sweetly, and realised how sexy his voice sounded through the phone. Then she remembered that she did talk to him on the phone before, when he called her at the Magic Box for some grunt work. "How did you know it was me?"
"You're the only person who's got the number, pet. Well, Xander does too, but I reckon he wouldn't fancy phonin' me. Besides, your number showed up on the display."
"Oh, right," she replied and paused. "I was kinda wondering, if you could come over to my house?"
"What's wrong then, love?" he wanted to know.
"Well, I brought the gang over here, to tell them about the.. the lawsuit. And I.. I just really need you here right now.."
"I'll come runnin', pet. Literally, I'd wager. Keep the door open, so I can burst in, all sizzlin'."
Buffy couldn't help but giggle at his remark, "Oh, Spike. Of course I will," she then answered.
After Buffy had hung up, she turned around to catch Xander standing behind her. Eavesdropping?
" 'Oh, Spike?' You didn't strike me as the phone-sex type, Buff," Xander teased her.
"Save it, Xan.." she sighed, and walked passed him. Onto her way to the living room she kept Spike's request to keep the door open in mind and left the door on a narrow opening.
Defeated she plopped on the couch, between Willow and Dawn. Who both gave her a worried look, as did Giles, and even Anya seemed slightly troubled.
"Is everything all right, Buffy?" Giles asked her, concerned.
"Yeah, wasn't there something you wanted to tell us?" Willow added, sharing Giles' concerned look.
"Yes, but I'm waiting for Spike to join us," Buffy replied weary.
"Why?" Anya asked with a pensive expression. "I mean, it's not like you have to reveal the crazy naked sex you two are having, and all. Or that you were in heaven. We all know that, and what other secrets could there be you need to tell us?" she bluntly remarked. Forthright as always.
Upon that note, Buffy frowned, together with the rest of the group. Except Xander, of course, who firmly asked her to "Let's not go there, okay sweetheart?"
"No guys," Buffy started. "It's got nothing to do with that. And what's with you guys anyway? Why does it always have to be about me and Spike's penis?!"
"No, no! Not us, it's just Anya! She brought it up!" Xander frantically exclaimed, and pointed an accusing finger at his fiancé. He then turned to Buffy again, "And please, could you not use the words 'Spike' and 'penis' in one sentence? Thank you!"
At the same time Spike stormed into the front door, and closed it immediately as he puts out the fire that's gradually burned up his trusty blanket.
After he was done repeatedly stomping his foot on the woven material like a madman, he looked up at the gang.
"So, what's this 'bout me and a penis?" he asked baffled.
"Oh, great," Xander soughed as he helplessly hung his head.
"Yes, I know," Buffy taunted Xander with a wicked smile.
"This is the thanks I get, for buying Spike a cellphone?" Xander complained. "Why did I do that?"
"Because I'm a tall, masculine and well-shaped man?" Spike bantered smugly. "Right, let's drop the penis, and get on with what we all came 'ere for," Spike insisted as he noticed Xander's stinging face and moved into the living room.
"Drop the what?" Buffy pointed out.
"The erm..the subject. Drop the subject," he corrected himself.
Buffy chuckled and settled herself on the couch, next to Spike.
"Okay, guys, there's this thing. And, I don't really know how to say it, so..-"
"Let me say it for you then," Spike brutally interrupted her. "Goldylocks got sued."
The gang just sat there, and stared at her, speechless, stunned, baffled, any will do. But then Willow killed the awkward silence, "Oh my God, Buffy, what did you do?"
"I didn't do shit!" Buffy defended herself, a little too harshly. "I mean, nothing.." she smiled sweetly when she saw how Willow's face fell.
"Well, it's rather unusual for someone to sue you 'just because'. There must've been something you did," Giles tried to reason.
"I was about to stake a vampire, and then BOOM, got tackled by a lawyer who convinced the thing to sue me!"
"Oh dear..Does the attorney know he's representing a vampire? And who will be representing you, Buffy?"
"I'm fairly certain he doesn't know. Not yet anyway. And my lawyer? Yes, well, you see..that's the funny part," Buffy hesitated to go on and ogled at Spike several times, and hinted him to tell it himself.
"No, not this time, love. Your lawyer, so you tell 'em."
A little uncomfortable she looked at her friends, and back at Spike, begging to take over. But he shook his head instead, and gave her a comforting and encouraging grin.
"Spike. Spike's my..lawyer," she lowered her head, and expected a few criticising remarks any minute now.
The gang threw a destroying look in Spike's direction, whose proud and confident smirk crumbled at their staking looks.
"Well, you're welcome," Spike muttered, expecting a little more gratitude than that, which was none at all.
"Are you that anxious to see her behind bars?!" Xander insulted Spike's skills.
"Hey! Don't you dare talking to Spike like that!" threateningly Buffy rose to her feet, protecting her lover.
"Like what?! Do you actually think Spike can get you off the -"
"Listen, you sod. I've bloody well had it with your insults! Buffy 'ere can't afford a decent defence, and until you can provide somethin' better than criticisin' my helpin' hand, get the hell off my back, monkey boy."
"I'll be in the kitchen," was all Xander had to say to that and disappeared.
"Now, does anybody else feel I'm not equipped for this case?" Spike looked at every face in the room, one by one.
"I.. I don't mean to piss ya off or anything," Willow stuttered, "But how can we be sure you're lawyer-material? I mean, okay, Xan was a little quick to judge, but, you know how Xander can get."
Buffy plopped on Spike's lap, and wrapped her arms around his neck. Sweetly she smiled at her lover, and told the gang to just have a little more faith in Spike, a whole lot more, all of it actually, seeing that they didn't have any.
Three days had passed and Buffy had to appear in court today. She had never been to one before, what was she supposed to wear? Which made her realise she should've gotten Spike some proper clothes to wear as well. She didn't think a worn duster and a briefcase would win the jury over. Well..I'm sure he knows what's best.. she thought to herself.
Speaking of Spike, he had spent the last couple of nights at Buffy's. Nicely cuddled up between his Slayer and Mr.Gordo.
Actually, everybody staid that night, as Spike would need them in court as well. And Xander's car would be very convenient. Not that everybody would fit in there, but they had 'armoured' the car so that Spike wouldn't frighten the members of the jury, by bursting into court with flames on his head.
After spending 15 minutes for something suitable to wear, Buffy decided to go with a pair of leather pants and a white blouse.
"Will, do you think these leather pants make a homicidal impression?" Buffy asked her friend.
"Nah, you look just fine! Come, let's go downstairs, Spike and Xander are fixing breakfast."
"What? Who? Doing what? Spike can cook?" Buffy's eyes grew big. "Didn't they get into a fight yesterday and the day before? And the day before that?"
"Well, they kinda got into a food fight a few minutes ago, and you know what they say; one thing came to another," Willow smiled.
"So, Aha," Buffy muttered as she walked out of her room.
"Well, it smells good," Willow observed as they descended the stairs.
Willow and Buffy sat down at the table and asked what they were having for breakfast.
The guys turned around, for the two women to see that Spike and Xander were wearing aprons.
"Pancakes!" they cheerfully announced in unison, and planted two plates with a lot of pancakes on the table, perfectly centred. They handled the plates so smooth, it almost seemed as if they had been practising this for ages.
Buffy and Willow tried hard not to burst into laughter, but were unable to suppress the urge to giggle some. Willow couldn't stress enough how cute they looked, and Buffy agreed, they did look adorable.
"I bring you my lover; vampire, lawyer, and chef," Buffy grinned as she leaned over the table for a good morning kiss from the multitalented Vampire.
Just a few minutes later Dawn, Tara, Anya and Giles sat down at the table as well. As they were enjoying the pancakes, they didn't dare to ask about the two slightly effeminate men.
"Delicious pancakes, guys," Tara complimented Spike and Xander, who exchanged a pleased look.
"Gimme five, mate," Spike said and held out his hand for Xander to slap it.
An hour after breakfast the group was ready to go to court. Buffy, Spike and Giles took the car, with Xander behind the wheel. And the remaining members of the group grabbed the bus.
"So, are ya properly prepped?" Buffy asked Spike, who sat next to her in the back seat.
"Yep, love you," he replied smugly.
"That's your defence? 'I love Buffy'?!" she exclaimed shocked.
"'Course not, pet."
"So, you don't love me?" she taunted her lover.
"Knock it off, Slayer," he told her with a serious face, and then playfully jumped on top of her with a snarl as if he was going to bite her.
As if frail, he kissed her neck softly, so soft and tender that she could barely feel his lips on her skin. She desperately wanted to feel his lips on hers, and lifts his head to do just that.
When the kiss intensifies with lots of smacking sounds involved, Giles's stomach turned and he let out a disgusted groan. Xander ordered them to cut it out.
"Not in my car! Please!" he yelled as he looked over his shoulder.
"Keep your eyes on the bloody road." Giles scolded.
Abruptly Xander turned around, to gain control over the car. Relieved that they didn't crash into anything, everybody sighed and kept silent the rest of the ride.
At 11:14 a.m. they arrived at the courthouse, outside they waited for Anya, Dawn, Tara and Willow. Except for Spike, covered under his blanket he ran up the stairs and entered the building like a mad man on fire. The rest of the gang arrived at 11:21 a.m.
The trial started at exactly 11:30, which allowed them less than 9 minutes to get mentally prepared and find the designated courtroom. The search didn't leave them more than 1 or 2 minutes of preparation.
11:29, the gang reluctantly entered the courtroom. Buffy was the most reluctant one of all, but a passer-by bumped into her unexpectedly and she flew right in.
Enraged Buffy turned around to see what asshole knocked her upside down.
"Watch where the hell you're..-" but she trailed off at the sight of a broad and elderly man dressed in a black robe. That can't be good, she thought to herself.
Her eyes grew big when she realised this wasn't just a passer-by. "Judge! Your - Your Honor! I'm so sorry! Oh crap.." she stuttered uncomfortably and bit her lip.
A little embarrassed she smiled at the judge, and quickly rushed off to her friends. Dawn, Willow, Tara, Anya, Xander and Giles had already sat down at the first bench in the right row.
As Buffy walked down the aisle, she glared at all the people sitting in the left row. It felt as if this passageway didn't come to an end, but then, finally it did. Standing between 2 tables, she briefly glared to her left just to give a mean look at attorney Mr. Logan and the Vampire that sat next to him.
"Buffy..?" Spike asked concerned.
She turned around and realised she should probably take a seat next to him. Buffy walked around the table and settled on the chair.
"Please rise!" it echoed through the courtroom. "The honourable Judge Mulroney."
With a sigh Buffy rose and stomped her foot on the ground like a whiny, little child. Not much later, and much to Buffy's relief, the judge used his little hammer, ordering everybody to sit down again.
Mulroney took a moment to go through some of the case files.
"Hm..hm..attempted murder, emotional distress.." the Judge murmured and turned to the table Buffy was sitting at. "Who's presenting the defendant, Miss Summers?" he then asked.
Buffy rose to open her mouth, but Spike pulled her back in her seat and stood up himself, "I am, Your 'onor," Spike grinned.
"Yes, I can see that. But who are you?"
It was then, when Buffy took a real good look at what her lover was wearing. An unbuttoned purple, silk blouse with underneath a black shirt. She figured it's a little suave for court, but it'll do and he looked so sexy too. She glanced down to the rest of his body to discover he was wearing his casual black jeans and the worn-out boots. She sighed and hoped that maybe his irresistible appearance might throw the jury off, and they would rule in her favour.
"Oh, right. I'm, S..- William. William Galloway. Yes, that's me," he explained to the judge with a cocky smirk. Galloway? Buffy thought to herself and so did the rest of the gang, glaring at each other.
Judge Mulroney frowned as he took it in, "I see. Well, how do you plead?" In all the confusion he forgot to ask if the defendant would, please, rise.
"Guilty," Buffy happily replied as she rose to her feet.
Immediately Spike violently pushed her back in the chair, and gave the Judge a look that obviously meant 'women..' and sighed with a smile.
"Not guilty, Your 'onor," he then calmly said.
He sat down again to have a little, but firm, word with his Slayer, "Shut the hell up."