"Sakuya, more tea, please," Remilia said while expectantly holding out a teacup towards the aforementioned club secretary.
"Of course, President," Sakuya opened her thermos and delicately poured a bit of dark-colored tea into Remilia's awaiting cup.
"Thank you." Remilia took a brief sip before setting the drink down and picking up her spotless silverware to eat the perfectly plated filet mignon before her.
Yes, this was her school lunch.
Apparently, she ate it almost everyday from what she told me. Of course, it was Sakuya's job to plate it and to carry it around all day.
"Hey, Sh-akuya," Marisa spoke, her mouth partially filled with the contents of her own lunch, which consisted of a sloppily put together ham and cheese sandwich.
"Please don't talk with your mouth full," Sakuya cut into her food (a steak much like Remilia's, though not quite as fancy as a filet mignon), while reprimanding Marisa.
Marisa took a second to swallow. "Ah, sorry. Anyway, I was gonna ask: do you ever get tired of being such a simp?"
A strange noise briefly reverberated throughout the club room, and in the blink of an eye Marisa had the remainder of her sandwich stuffed inside her mouth. Marisa coughed and gagged in surprise, then ran over to the trash can in the corner of the room and struggled to spit it out.
"Like I said, don't talk with your mouth full," Sakuya said with a satisfied smirk.
"Gross, don't do that while we're eating," Alice complained, totally unconcerned by the sounds of Marisa choking and gasping for air. She had a modest salad with croutons in front of her.
Reimu shrugged. "I think it's nice to have a bit of entertainment while we eat." She took a bite of her tempura while watching Marisa's "show".
Meiling, meanwhile, was laughing so uncontrollably at the sight before her that she couldn't even eat her dumplings.
"I think you may have gone a bit too far, Sakuya. Marisa's face is so red you could mistake her for a tomato!" Remilia exclaimed with a hearty chuckle.
Marisa hacked one last time as she finally finished spitting the rest of her sandwich out. She snapped her head towards Sakuya and gave her the mother of all death glares.
"Ah, now she looks like the devil!" Remilia laughed even harder.
Marisa fished out a spell card from her vest with an angry grunt. "Magic Sign: Stardust Reverie!"
"What?! Marisa, wait!" Reimu screamed.
But it was too late, the club room was filled with several multicolored stars in a matter of moments. Most of them headed toward Sakuya, the rest erratically flew around the area in random directions.
Alice yelped and put her satchel over her head to block the stars. "Marisa, you brain-dead idiot! Stop ruining our lunch!" Shanghai quickly sprung out from Alice's bag and started deflecting the projectiles headed her master's way.
"No way!" Marisa yelled, defiantly. "This is what you all get for laughing at me!"
"So it's a fight you want?" Sakuya asked, before vanishing from her seat and appearing on the other side of the room.
"Fine, I shall accept your cheap provocation! Illusion Sign: Killing Doll!" A flurry of butter knives appeared in front of Sakuya, all of which flew towards Marisa, who barely managed to dodge them in time.
I, on the other hand, simply sat there as numerous magic stars and butter knives flew past me, eating my tuna sandwich in silence. I had no intention of getting involved in this situation whatsoever.
"Spirit Sign: Dream Orb!" Two flying balls of light suddenly struck both Marisa and Sakuya, sending them sprawling onto the ground and ending the chaos at last. By the end, the room was littered with star-shaped scorch marks and stray butter knives.
Remilia clapped her hands while chuckling to herself. "Good show! Good show! Encore!"
"No! No encore!" Reimu glared at Marisa and Sakuya as they picked themselves up from the floor. "What the hell are you two doing?! You're going to get us in trouble again!"
Again? So this is a regular thing that happens around here?
"She started it, ze!" Marisa pointed to Sakuya, who was brushing the dust off her blouse with an irritated look on her face.
"I don't care! No fights while we're eating! Actually wait, let me rephrase that, no fights ever!" Reimu scolded.
"Good lord, show some restraint you two." Alice huffed and set her bag back down. She shot me an apologetic smile. "Sorry about that, they like to go at it at every little opportunity."
"Uh huh..." I took another bite of my tuna sandwich as I contemplated every single life choice that had led me to this situation.
"I think we're all ignoring the elephant in the room here." Reimu sat back down in her seat. "Remi, I'm fine with helping this guy out, but are you sure it's a good idea to let him in the Incident Investigation Club? You saw what happened just now, a normal human isn't safe in an environment like this."
Remilia sighed. "Like I said, it's either this or we get shut down." She grinned mischievously. "On the bright side, if he dies we can blame it on Yukari."
"I'd rather he not die, though. At least not in here, we don't need a vengeful spirit haunting the club room," Reimu said.
"Oh, shoot!" Marisa facepalmed. "Reimu, I just realized we completely forgot to introduce ourselves to the new guy!"
"What an excellent first impression you just made, then," Sakuya said bitterly, as she finally finished fixing her silver hair.
"Don't just ignore what I said like that!" Reimu protested futilely.
Marisa giggled, it was hard to believe that this was the same girl who was angrily slinging stars around just a moment ago.
"Sorry about that, new guy. I kinda lost my chill for a minute there. Anyway, my name's Mari-"
"Marisa Kirisame."
Marisa paused. "Huh? How'd you…?"
"And you're Reimu Hakurei." I gestured to Reimu, who raised an eyebrow. "And the others who aren't here yet but who I will no doubt meet in the future are Youmu Konpaku, Reisen Udongein Inaba, and Sanae Kochiya. There, now we know each other."
Everyone in the room, except Remilia, stared at me in surprise.
"Woah… you really do know who all of us are!" Meiling exclaimed.
"Yeah, I knew we were kinda famous around school, but not that much," Marisa said, taken aback.
"I think 'infamous' is a better descriptor," Reimu deadpanned.
"Ok, seriously." Remilia stood up from her seat. "Do you have any of this written down somewhere? Or is it actually all in your head?" She questioned me like a hard-boiled detective. "I have a hard time believing a human like you could store so much information in their tiny brain."
I scoffed. "Of course I have it written down, it's all in my 'Don't Make Eye Contact' list." I set my food down and reached into my backpack. "Let's see… it should be here somewhere."
Marisa snorted. "All right, that's pretty funny. At least the new guy's got a sense of humor!"
"What's funny?" I asked, as I set my overstuffed binder onto the table with a resounding thud.
Ah, the "Don't Make Eye Contact" list, a relic of a bygone era… that had ended just this morning. It was a detailed record of every student at the school who I considered strange in one way or another. So basically, almost everyone. Some profiles were larger than others, of course, but it was still pretty hefty. Why on Earth would I make such a thing you ask? Well, so I could keep track of who to avoid, obviously. Also in case I ever hit my head and suffer amnesia. One has to be prepared for anything.
The Chess Club members stared at the binder in shock, though I couldn't imagine why.
"W-wait, so you weren't kidding? You really do have a 'Don't Make Eye Contact' list?" Reimu asked, uneasily.
"Yup," I confirmed. "Doesn't everyone have one?"
"No," everyone in the room quickly replied.
"In fact, I can positively say that you are quite possibly the only person in the entire school, nay, in the entire world who has something akin to this," Remilia stated.
"You really need to see Kasen, ze," Marisa said, worriedly.
"You know, you're the second person today who's told me to see a therapist," I said. "I don't think there's anything wrong with being careful."
"This goes far beyond being careful, Adam," Alice admonished. "This is… borderline unhinged."
"Borderline?!" Reimu asked, exasperatedly.
"Incredible…" Sakuya breathed in amazement as she paged through my list, which had ended up in her hands at some point. "This is a complete record of nearly everybody in the school, he even knows what almost everyone's abilities are."
"Well, you don't really go through much effort to hide them," I said dryly, while gesturing to the destruction around me.
"You know what? On that front, you have a fair point," Reimu conceded.
"Still… where did you get all of this information?" Meiling asked apprehensively, as if she almost didn't want to know the answer.
"Rumors…"
Everyone gave me a look of disbelief.
"Fine, I had some help from an acquaintance too, but I won't go any further than that," I said, firmly.
"A mystery, hm? Are you sure you wish to challenge me like that?" Remilia asked with a smirk.
I shrugged. "I'd like to see you try to figure it out, vampire."
"You're on, human."
"Wait a minute… this isn't ordered in any way that I can determine. How did you organize this?" Sakuya asked me, finally taking her eyes off the book.
"Oh, the ones nearest to the cover are the ones who I want to avoid the most. There's a list that ranks everyone near the back," I explained.
"A ranking system? I wanna see! I wanna see! Where am I? Am I higher than Reimu?" Marisa bounded over to Sakuya, her concern vanishing in an instant.
"Calm down!" Sakuya yelled irritably as she moved the binder away from Marisa's greedy clutches.
"I'm curious as well, hand it over." Remilia tugged at the hem of Sakuya's blouse like an impatient child.
"Of course, President." Sakuya easily conceded the book to Remilia, much to Marisa's chagrin.
"Now… let's see here," Remilia said as she thumbed through the pages. "Ah, here we are. Hm, Marisa, you're number fifteen."
"What?!" Marisa gave me a dirty look. "You gotta bump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers!"
"Are you seriously complaining that Adam doesn't find you weird enough?" Alice asked, incredulously.
"Alice, you're number forty-six," Remilia said.
Marisa laughed. "Well, that makes sense. If it weren't for the creepy dolls she'd be almost normal!"
"Hm? Shanghai, did you hear something? It almost sounded like a petulant witch who doesn't know how to hold her tongue." Alice shot Marisa a threatening look, who mockingly stuck her tongue out in response.
"You have to remember that he has over a hundred profiles in there, forty-six is still a fairly high number," Sakuya pointed out. Apparently they were now committed to using my list as a sort of dick-measuring contest, and I honestly didn't know how to feel about it.
"Reimu, you're not that far behind Marisa, number seventeen," Remilia continued, apparently just going in a random order.
"Great, I'm number seventeen on the nutjobs' list," Reimu said, sarcastically. "I don't remember asking, though."
Remilia snickered. "My, Sakuya, I'm quite proud of you. You're number eight."
"Oh? What makes me so much stranger than Marisa?" Sakuya asked me.
"Why'd you single me out, ze?!"
"It's not all about being strange, it's about how dangerous you are as well," I said. "Stopping time is not a power I would want to mess with."
"Meiling, you're number fifty-seven, the lowest out of all of us," Remilia said.
Meiling looked at me with hurt in her eyes. "Hey! I'm dangerous too!" she objected.
"Yeah, when you're not sleepin' maybe!" Marisa quipped with a wide smile.
Meiling pouted. "I'd like to hear you say that when you see my moves…" she mumbled grumpily.
"And last but not least, I'm number four," Remilia finished. "Hm, I understand why numbers two and three are above me, but why is…"
The door to the room suddenly flew open, and in stepped the recognizable form of…
"Hey everyone, sorry I'm late! I had to help Eirin sort through some paperwork," Reisen Udongein Inaba, number one on my "Don't Make Eye Contact" list, announced as she entered.
"Ah, speak of the devil," Remilia said.
"Hello, Reisen," Alice greeted her. "I'm glad to see you're doing better."
"Thank you, Alice. With Eirin's care, I felt better in no time." Reisen surveyed the room for a bit, before locking eyes with me. "Ah, hello there! Adam, right? We saw each other yesterday in the infirmary."
"Yeah, I remember," I replied. "Kind of hard to forget, honestly."
Reisen blushed a little and glanced away. "R-right, I'm sorry you had to see me like that."
"It's whatever," I said, simply.
"Still, I'd like to make a good first impression. So let's start over from the beginning, okay?" Reisen walked over to me and extended a hand. "I'm Reisen. Reisen Udongein Inaba. Welcome to the Incident Investigation Club, publicly known as the Chess Club. It's a pleasure to meet you."
I tentatively accepted Reisen's handshake.
"Ah, I hope you don't mind, but I actually read through your medical file. I know the situation may seem hopeless, but don't fret, Eirin's the best doctor I know. With her on the case, you'll be fixed in no time, I'm sure of it," Reisen said, confidently.
If Eirin is the best doctor you know then I'm truly screwed, I thought.
"Yeah, good to know." I quickly retracted my hand as soon as Reisen let go.
Reisen gave me a confused look. "Hey, why are you acting so distant?" She looked back to the rest of the group, an anxious look on her face. "And why is this room a mess? And what are you guys reading?"
"One question at a time, please," Remilia said. "The room's a mess because Sakuya and Marisa had another fight, and Coates over there is distant because that's just how he is."
"Also because I would rather be literally anywhere else," I added.
"Right… that still doesn't explain the book, though," Reisen said.
"Oh, it's a list the new guy made! It's got almost everyone in the school on it," Marisa explained. "The higher you are, the more he hates you, and it looks like you're number one! Congrats- ack!" Reimu slapped Marisa on the back of the head.
"It's less of a 'hate' list and more of an 'avoidance' list," Remilia explained, accurately this time. "See for yourself." She slid the binder over to Reisen.
Reisen peered over the table to read the cover. "'Don't Make Eye Contact'? Oh!" She laughed. "I understand, I guess I would be pretty high on a list like this, wouldn't I?"
"Uh… aren't you bothered by how insanely freaky this is, ze?" Marisa asked. "I ain't lyin' when I say he's got profiles on almost everyone."
"Hm? Well, it is a little odd, I suppose. But so are all of us, so I think he'll fit right in!" I flinched as she pointedly clapped me on the back.
"I'm inclined to agree with you, Reisen," Alice said. "However, please see the school's therapist about your paranoia, Adam. This kind of behavior isn't healthy."
"Fine, I'll schedule an appointment with Ms. Ibaraki later," I lied, having no intention of doing that at all. I reached over to grab the binder on the table.
"Actually, Adam, would you mind if I held onto that?" Sakuya asked, gesturing to the binder. "I believe it can serve as a useful resource in identifying potential suspects for our future cases."
"Wow, what do you know, schizophrenia can be useful sometimes," Reimu said, dryly.
I shrugged. "Sure, you can keep it." I slid the book back over to Sakuya, who took it with a small nod of gratitude. "I've got extra copies at home anyway."
Reimu rolled her eyes. "Because of course you do."
"Well, now that that's out of the way, I think it's about time we get Adam on his first assignment," Remilia said.
"Already? Are you sure he can handle a case on his own?" Alice asked, concerned.
"I'm not gonna send him out alone, dummy! One of you lot is going to go with him. How about…" Remilia briefly scanned the room. "Ah, Reisen, you weren't here yesterday, so you'll be in charge of showing Coates the ropes."
"I suppose that's fair." Reisen grinned at me. "Don't worry, I'll teach you everything I know!"
"Great…" I said, unenthusiastically.
"I think you're missing a pretty big portion of your plan though, Remi," Reimu interjected. "We don't have any open cases right now."
"Hm? I'm not too worried about that." Remilia said, casually. "Someone will barge in with a problem to solve eventually."
"That does tend to happen a lot," Alice noted.
"I'd better eat my lunch, then. 'A hungry rabbit is a distracted rabbit,' as Eirin always says." Reisen took a seat next to me and pulled out her lunchbox.
Just then, as if on cue, the door to the room burst open yet again, and on the other side was a very worried looking Koakuma.
"Guys! You have to help, it's an emergency!" Koakuma yelled desperately.
Reisen slumped forward, her ears drooping. "Well, I guess I'll be a distracted rabbit today."
"Ah, Koakuma." Sakuya took a moment to flip through the list. "You're number sixty."
"Huh? What are you talking about?" Koakuma asked confusedly. "Please listen!"
Koakuma was an… interesting character. She wasn't particularly dangerous, and she was one of the only youkai in the school without a special ability. Rather, the reason why she was fairly high on the "Don't Make Eye Contact" list was because of her close friendship with Patchouli. Though honestly, Patchouli treated her more like an indentured servant than a true friend most of the time, but Koakuma didn't seem to mind.
Anyway, Koakuma's personality was a bit split, for lack of a better word. Sometimes she would be obedient and meek, other times she would be conniving and playful. In a way, Koakuma was both the angel and the devil on Patchouli's shoulder. She was even considered a sort of "honorary member" of the Chess Club because she stuck around Patchouli so often.
"Calm down, Koakuma. What's this about Patchouli?" Reimu asked.
"She's been accused of breaking into the lockers! Ah, this is terrible! We must prove her innocence at once!" Koakuma cried.
There was a beat of silence.
"Uh… you can't really be accused of something you actually did, ze," Marisa pointed out.
"Yeah, Patchouli's already admitted to breaking into Aya's locker. All we can do now is wait for her to get out of detention," Reimu said, dismissively.
Koakuma groaned in frustration. "I know! I'm not talking about Aya's locker! I'm talking about the other ones!"
Remilia perked up. "Other ones? What do you mean?"
"You don't know? Aya's locker wasn't the only one broken into, a bunch of them got robbed yesterday, and now they're saying it was Patchouli and… uh, what's that guy's name again?" Koakuma mumbled to herself as she racked her brain.
I cleared my throat, getting Koakuma's attention. "You mean me, right?"
Koakuma's eyes lit up. "Yes, you! You helped Patchouli catch Wakabayashi yesterday, right? She told me all about it!" Koakuma smiled and flapped her wings happily. "Thank you for that, by the way! I wish I could have helped too, but Patchouli has said she doesn't want me getting in the way of her investigations."
"Gee, I wonder why… Anyway, what's this about the lockers getting robbed? They think me and Patchouli did it?" I guessed.
"Yes! So that's why you have to prove her innocence!" Koakuma dropped to her knees and begged. "Please! Or you'll both get expelled! Maybe even arrested!"
Remilia chuckled. "Well, it seems you have your first assignment, Adam."
"And I'll help, as promised," Reisen reassured me. "Even though I didn't get a chance to eat lunch…"
"You will?! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Koakuma cheered.
I stood up from my chair with a sigh. "All right, let's head out then. The sooner we get this over with, the better."
"Good luck, you two," Alice said, sincerely.
Marisa beamed. "Have fun, guys!"
"If you need any more help, don't hesitate to talk to us. This is one of our own we're talking about here, after all," Reimu said.
"Take this with you as well." Remilia tossed this morning's issue of Bunbunmaru, the one with Patchouli and I on it, over to Reisen. "It might be of some use, who knows."
"Right, thanks. See you guys later," Reisen tucked the paper under her arm and turned to me. "Let's head out, partner!"
I would definitely need all the help (and luck) I could get.