AN: Once again I really appreciate all the reviews! They really keep me going! Oh I did want to point out the timeline of this fic. It started after 'Our House' yet before the 'Power of Love' so I figure it deviated sometime before their exams and the end of the year.
Oh and the 'poem' that Marco 'writes' is Hoobastank's song 'Up and Gone' It is off of their earlier album but it fit perfectly.
And yeah I know it seems like it is still moving slowly but the 'real. lifel. now.' slogan isn't always correct.
Disclaimers: I don't own Degrassi: TNG or Hoobastank. And 'Reading Lolita in Tehran' is a real book.
Part 5: Breathe
I need to think, I need to feed, I need to see if I still bleed,
I need a place, I need a time, 'cause I need to step outside the line,
Gonna give, gonna take, I'm gonna scream 'til I am awake,
I'm gonna push, I'm gonna pull, open up the door...
- "Just One"
-------------------------------------------------
"So let me get this straight. The dude who rules Russia gets it into his head to put bombs in Cuba
to blow up the dude who rules America?" Spinner Mason chewed on the end of his pencil as he
stared at the open history book.
"It is the Soviet Union, back then Spin." Marco del Rossi idly commented as he flipped through
his own history book.
Spinner groaned and threw his hands up in surrender. "I don't get it man! How can these Russians
be the good guys during one war, then they become the bad guys after the war, then back to good
again for the next war only to turn into the bad guys again after that?"
Marco looked up and met Spinner's confused eyes. "Maybe they are just temperamental?"
Spinner laughed before returning back to his book. They had been spending all of their fourth
period study hall on their history projects; most of them were utilizing this time to work on them.
"Soooo is there any movie we can watch instead of all this reading?" Spinner asked as he shot a
glare at the text. "Though I can't see how any movie about all this talking would be interesting."
Marco looked up again, "Actually there is a movie about the missile crisis. It is called Thirteen
Days. But yeah, I heard that it is boring."
Maybe it was the subject, or maybe it was the stifling heat that the library managed to maintain,
but Spinner's attention soon began to wander. He laid his head down on the books that he and
Marco had gathered for their projects. He was tired, what with the work he pulled for the Dot
yesterday then the band practice; Craig was becoming a regular Canadian Hitler with the single
deal that they had won. His break-neck practicing rate had the entire group exhausted in just
under an hour, not to mention his anxiety of having Ashley over that night was just making him
short of murderous when ever someone screwed up a note. Then add Marco's strange
detachment. He'd space off and miss his cue which would just give Craig another reason to
launch into a tirade about how much they suck.
Spinner didn't bother to hide his yawn.
"Look, I know this isn't very interesting but can at least pretend to help me look for the so-called
reasons for this?" Marco asked as he grabbed for his pen to mark some notes down.
"Do we have practice today?"
"'He says switching the subject.'" Marco added in an aside.
Spinner raised his eyebrow, "Y'know both you and Dylan do that."
"Do what?"
"The little commentaries. He does it to Paige all the time and it drives her nuts."
"Hmm," Marco still seemed disinterested and he wrote some information down, "guess I must of
picked it up from him."
A sly look crossed Spinner's face as he leaned on his elbows over the table to stare at Marco.
"So, did Mason's Matchmaker of Lurve work out for del Rossi and Michalchuk?"
Marco finally looked up at him. "That sounds slightly disturbing seeing as how you're dating a
Michalchuk."
Spinner looked thoughtful. "Hm, I guess if things go well, we'd be in-laws or something like
that."
"That is also a disturbing thought."
"I can see it now, you and Paige making us dinner while Dylan and I drink beer and belch on the
couch."
"Why would we be making the dinner? Listen Reject-from-the-50s, in my vison, you and Dylan
are making the dinner while Paige and I uh sit around watching TV or something."
He raised his finger in triumph, "So you are having visions with Dylan! Mason the Matchmaker
strikes again!"
Marco rolled his eyes and rubbed his temples. "Why are we having this conversation? And who
else have you set up?"
"Uh, no one else, come to think of it."
"Thought so." the bell rang, signaling the end to study hall. "Listen, help me gather all these
books and take them to my locker. We'll need them later." Marco stood and scooped up several
books while Spinner followed his lead and they both headed out.
They reached Marco's locker and Marco handed off his books to Spinner so he could undo the
combination.
"You never did answer my question." Spinner pointed out around the stack of books in his arms.
"What question? Practice? Yeah Craig said there was gonna be one after school today."
Spinner sighed. "No, the one about Dylan."
Before Marco could answer Sean Cameron, Jay Hobert, and the rest of their 'crew' walked by.
Jay caught sight of Spinner and Marco and from underneath his off kilter hat and shades, a sneer
appeared. "Boyfriend dump you Marco?" he asked.
Spinner watched Marco roll his eyes and begin shoving the history books into his locker. But Jay
wasn't finished with him yet. "Y'know, I thought you were with Paige, Mason, seems like you've
turned fag now too." Jay drew himself closer to Spinner and made a small kiss-kiss face. "Homo-
chuk must be turning even more of the students fag."
Marco tensed and practically threw a book into the locker. "Listen Jay," he started, turning
around, " why don't you just leave." he shot a pointed glare to Sean's direction who was
decidedly not watching the confrontation.
Jay turned from Spinner to Marco in a flash. "You have a problem, you little queer?"
Spinner knew that he should do something but to everyone's surprise Marco responded. He
slammed his locker shut threw his left arm out to where it caught Jay off guard in the chest. Jay
stumbled a few steps backwards into Sean.
"Look, I'm tired you and your goddamned fag comments!" Marco exploded. Everyone stared at
him in shock. Even he looked a little surprised at his own gall. "Just get over yourself." he
muttered in Jay's direction before storming off towards his next class, with Spinner, silently
congratulating him, in tow.
----------------------------------------------
"And then he totally freaked on Jay." Sean Cameron elaborated to his girlfriend Ellie Nash as they
sat on the steps to the main entrance to Degrassi. They both had their lunches spread on their laps
as they enjoyed the brief sun.
"Good for Marco." Ellie nodded. "It's about time he started standing up for himself."
"Yeah, but he just made himself an enemy in Jay." Sean pointed out, taking a bite of his sandwich.
" He really should have just stayed quiet."
"And let Jay walk all over him?" Ellie paused in her food to stare at Sean in disbelief. "He already
got beaten up for being gay outside of school, he doesn't need it from within."
"Then he shouldn't be so obvious about it." Sean muttered under his breath.
Ellie couldn't believe her ears. "Obvious? Marco goes through great lengths to hide it. If he had it
his way, he'd still be in the closet."
"All I am saying his that he acts gay. He's all into this gay 'Bollywood', way too concerned with
fashion, hell he even looks girly." Sean shuddered. "I mean, he even checks out other guys at
school. He's checked me out before."
"And you never look at any other girls?" Ellie rolled her eyes.
"I don't want to get into this fight with you."
"Then try and be a little more open with Marco. He is my best friend."
Sean sighed. "Alright. Enough about Marco. How are you doing? You seemed distant this
morning."
Ellie looked away and remained silent. She had avoided everyone, including Marco, this morning
(though the latter because she wasn't exactly sure if they were on speaking terms or not) and
when she did speak to people, her responses had been quiet and spacey.
"Things aren't that great, right now." she conceded. Sean didn't need to know that her father was
hospitalized in some shit-splat hospital in Iraq, with only one leg, or that her mom was in a
constant state of passed out on the couch with tears still drying on her face. Some things just
needed to be kept to one's self.
In a moment of clarity, she realized that was the same reasoning that Marco must be using about
his parents.
Sean eyed her levelly from underneath his knit hat. "Y'sure?" he asked quietly.
"I'm positive." she gave him a smile in consolation. Sean seemed to understand her unwillingness
to share everything at the moment and for that she was grateful.
------------------------------------------
Craig Manning and Ashley Kerwin were sitting at the same lunch table. That fact alone was earth
shattering and managed to monopolize the thoughts of everyone during the lunch period.
All around him, Craig's friends (Ashley's too now that he thought about it) were having a much
more subdued lunch conversation. No one was mentioning their bands (which now that he
thought about that, they were all in rival bands), love, Manny, coupling, sex (which with Spinner
at the table was an amazing feat unto itself), Manny, babies (not that they ever really talked about
babies at lunch anyway), monogamy, oh, and Manny.
In fact they were discussing cheese. Craig made a mental note to himself that all of his friends
were psychos.
"Spin! How can you possibly eat all that processed cheese?" Paige Michalchuk squealed as said
Spinner Mason scooped up a nacho chip which was in fact soaked in processed cheese and
popped it into his mouth. "I do not understand how you can digest that."
"Yeah," Paige's friend Hazel Aden chimed in. "It's like 80% not real cheese."
"Is there anything in the caf' that isn't 80% not real food?" Ashley seriously asked, staring at her
food in a suspicious way.
"I think the juice is real." Craig ventured, looking down at his meager juice box.
"5% real fruit juice." Marco del Rossi read off of his own juice. "That even less real than the
cheese."
"Are nachos even really Mexican?" Hazel asked. "And why are we having this 'Around the
World' theme for our food anyway."
"I think they are Mexican. Though I don't understand why we just didn't have tacos for Mexican
day." Jimmy Brooks commented.
"They are going for different and not stereotypical." Ashley pointed out, not without some
sarcasm.
"Yet on Italian Day we had pizza." Marco dead-panned.
"Spaghetti was overrated."
Marco shoved his tray away and opted for his apple. (Hah, apples weren't Mexican!) "What I
would give for some real Italian food right now. Even for something as 'stereotypical' as pasta."
"Ah, man, you can just go home and get the real thing." Jimmy pointed out as he bravely tried the
beans that went with the chips. "Your family is like Chef Boyardee only without the can."
"Was he Italian?" Spinner asked.
Craig had been about to actually eat some of his food but at that moment he caught the flinch that
passed over Marco.
"Sorry, hon, but I don't think my mom can cook real authentic Italian food. The best she can do is
pulling out her credit card and paying for a meal at the Olive Garden." Paige smiled at Marco.
"Though she can cook some killer Ukranian food."
"Where is Ukraine, anyways?" Spinner piped up.
"Some where in Eastern Europe, haven't you ever played Risk, Spin?" Jimmy asked.
"Oh yeah..."
Craig was caught on something that was passed over in the conversation. Marco had flinched at
the mention of his home. Then Paige responded about how her mom couldn't cook it. Craig
shook his head as the implications of that equation seemed too large to be true. Besides Marco
wasn't acting any different.
Wasn't he?
----------------------------------
Emma Nelson didn't care if she sat alone for lunch or with a crowd of people. Her sack lunch was
off to the side of her as a book was open in front.
She was busy reading when JT Yorke and Toby Isaacs situated themselves at the same table.
"Hey Em'." Toby greeted before diving into his tray of food.
She nodded in response but didn't really look up.
"So I heard that you pissed off Manny again." JT paused looking at his own food with a raised
eyebrow. "What are you reading?"
"'Reading Lolita in Tehran'." Emma answered his second comment.
"Looks and sounds exciting." JT muttered sarcastically. "Now why did you piss off Manny?"
"I didn't."
"Not what I heard."
Emma set her book down and looked up at JT. Toby was pretending to be interested in his food;
he had sensed the rising irritation in Emma. "JT, I did a book report. Manny misinterpreted it like
she does with everything."
JT actually looked slightly angry, maybe he truly did care for Manny the girl and not Manny the
body.
"Look, JT, don't you get mad either, I just did a dumb book report. It's like in Shakespeare. 'I
will frown as I pass by, and let them take it as they list.'"
JT rolled his eyes. "Did you just actually quote Shakespeare? And what does that even mean?"
"Yes, and it means that it was up to her to take my actions as an insult or not. It wasn't intended
but that's what she heard."
Toby looked at her sadly. "Are you two ever going to be friends again?"
Emma returned to her book. "I don't know."
----------------------------------
Paige Michalchuk was praying that Ms. Kwan didn't call on her to read from her creative journal
today. She had broken down and written all about her feelings about the trial and those weren't
feelings she wanted to share with the rest of the class.
Once again Ashley Kerwin was up in the front reading one of her latest songs; she personally
thought that they were too dark for her but this new poem of Ashley's was lighter and happier
than her usual.
Wonder if things were really improving between her and Craig.
"Thank you Ashley." Ms. Kwan smiled at her best student before turning to the class. "What did
everyone think?"
Craig Manning raised his hand first which earned a surprised look from Ashley. "I think Ash is
getting a better grip on word usage. Earlier poems used simple words that rhymed with simple
words. Now they are all more complex and emotional."
There were nods from around the room and Ms. Kwan seemed to agree. "That's exactly what
I've been thinking. Your talent as a writer continues to grow, Ashley."
Ashley returned to her desk but not before resting a hand on Craig's shoulder as she passed him.
Paige raised an eyebrow at the contact. Whatever happened last night must have put the two
former mortal enemies on peaceable terms.
Ms. Kwan clapped her hands together and surveyed the class. Paige tried to sink into her desk so
that she wouldn't be seen from behind Jimmy Brooks. Luck was on her side today as Kwan
zeroed in on the other person whose personal feelings need not be aired to Grade 10 English:
Marco del Rossi.
"Marco? Could you share your entry? I haven't heard from you in awhile."
While Paige was glad that her and her memories of the night from hell were spared, she felt bad
for the other kid. He had been going through his own hell lately.
Marco slowly stood and made his way to the front of the room. He passed Ellie Nash, who gave
Marco an unreadable look. Paige had inadvertently caught Marco's end of their conversation last
afternoon and she knew that the two friends were in the middle of a fight. But from the look that
Ellie was sending her friend, all the ill feelings were from Marco.
He stood and opened his journal. Their assignment had to be in poem form and Paige knew that
Marco was a good writer of plays but she had never heard a poem from him, in a way this would
interesting.
"Staring at the white above,
can't tell if I'm alive or am I dead.
Or is it in my head?
Where'd I go wrong?
"Staring at the white above,
one day I closed my eyes
and here I am,
a cold unhappy man.
I've come to realize the life I have
I hate, the pulse I need is slowly fading
until I've lost it all.
I've been waiting for an inspiration,
for a chance I never got to take
before it's much too late
Where'd I go wrong?"
Marco swallowed and looked up at the class who all were staring at him attentively. He blinked
rapidly before looking back down to continue.
"Where's the boy that used to run?
could it be he's up and gone away?
He seems so far away,
and all the things I could have done
could it be they've up and gone away?
They seem so far away.
"It feels as if the boy in me,
has left and been replaced with a cheap and bitter
imposter of myself,
I must find the one that used to be,
approach him slow, don't be afraid to say
'can he come out and play?'"
Paige felt a lump forming in the back of her throat. Suddenly she was close to tears and she didn't
quite know why.
"Where's the boy that used to run?
could it be he's up and gone away?
He seems so far away,
and all the things I could have done
could it be they've up and gone away?
They seem so far away."
Marco closed his journal and looked up and met the quiet eyes of the English class and finished
with the question: "Where did I go wrong?"