"Does the eater choose the cheese,
or the cheese the eater?"
-The Book of the Butter
Chapter 1
The rabbit had been squashed only minutes before, by a very heavy book. The book had catapulted out of a window. The rabbits eyes were still intact, and were slightly glazed, like doughnuts. The only problems were its flatness, and the blood staining its usually clean fur. For it's owner was a neat freak and the poor beast had just escaped a bath.
A tall, oddly pale young woman stood over the messy excuse for a rabbit. Her dark black hair (obviously a dye job) hung over her face, hiding the disgusted look on it. By the Cheddar! She thought, I wonder who'll clean up this mess. She wore no make up yet, her compact had fallen from her hand when she nearly trod on the book and rabbit. The only jewelry she wore was a pin, stuck haphazardly on her very retro school uniform. The pin said "Buteriel, 6th form Perfect". This proclaimed her to be utterly perfect in every way.
She nudged the mess with her boot. Nothing happened. She nudged it again, still nothing happened. Finally she gave up and proclaimed it dead. She looked up from it to admire the front of her school. A heavy wrought iron gate surrounded it, at least it looked like iron, but on closer inspection one would see it to be only fiberglass. A sign hung next to the gate, written on it in really cheesy mock gothic letters was:
" Wyvern College, established in 1652 for young ladies,
Who want to act look and smell like rich snobs.
And learn Cheddar magic. And who like dragons."
Pinned beneath the sign was an ad for homemade soap.
Butteriel wasn't looking at the sign. Nor was she seeing how much soap cost. She was looking at the small girl who had just flipped over the fence, ignoring the open gate next to her. It was the rabbits owner, Jacass. She saw Buteriel, the book, the rabbit, then screamed angrily,
"What did you kill bunny for, Buteriel?!" Buteriel looked shocked then realized what this looked like. Oh well, she though, I guess I'll have to bring it back. With that she crouched next to the bunny and closed her eyes.
Jacass stopped short, Swirls of steam were beginning to flow around Buteriel. Also what looked like melted butter was flowing up from her feet and slowly drenching her entire body. She suddenly lurched forward and fell on top of the squashed bunny. Jacass shouted again, but Buteriel stood up and grinned. She then pulled out a top hat, and out of that pulled Bunny, all happy and peppy and jumpy and smelly and.
Buteriel sat in her privet study that she shared with a random hobo. She was feeling guilty, not about making Jacass happy, but for going into the river of Dairy, where all spirits passed before reaching the final resting place. She had promised her dad, Abuttersen, that she would not bring anything back. Not unless he approved, because, they always say, "Betcha' can't bring back just one!" And it was just as easy to bring back a person, and they couldn't have Jacass's dead grandma running around now could they? No, she would try and knit them all argyle socks!
Anyway, back to Buteriel. She was sitting in her favorite puffy armchair, waiting for her dad. Actually, not him in a corporeal way. When the moon was full and high in the sky, her fathers head would appear floating in the giant crystal ball Buteriel kept on her coffee table. Then they would talk.
Buteriel always had to do things just so while waiting for her dad. First she would pour herself a cup of tea, smash it, pour another, and drink that one. She would then balance the empty cup on the arm of her chair and read Spot goes to the beach, while waiting for the moon to rise. (Buteriel was waiting, not spot.)
Buteriel was looking forward to Abuttersen's next visit. She had just graduated and needed to talk about what she was going to do after school. Ms. Umbrella, the head mistress had suggested that Buteriel go to a university. Ms. Umbrella was particularly fond of Buteriel. Probably because her father had lotsa dough, and Buteriel was good at acting like a rich snob. But anyway. So Buteriel was sitting reading.
" 'Lets go!' said Spot..." Buteriel mumbled to herself. " 'I want to go now..." Buteriel was just drifting off to sleep when someone pounded on her door.
"Open up, its the police! Dun dun duuuuunnn! No actually its me, Owlwin. I opened the outside door, even though I'm not supposed to. Then I let in this really evil and foul butter spirit. Thought you ought to know. It's getting ready to eat us." Silence. Buteriel leapt up, threw open the door, (squashing Owlwin against the wall) and ran into the little 1st form girls dorm room. Once in there she began to run towards the open door at the other end.
She knocked down a lava lamp, producing a shout from one of the girls. She stopped short when she saw... the thing at the end of the dorm. It was awful it was the.......one eyed....one horned....blind.....PURPLE PEOPLE EATER!!!! The girls began to scream as the thing began advancing on Buteriel, growling to itself while clutching a bag to it's chest.
"My precious....stupid fat hob- oops wrong movie. GRROWWL!" This caused Buteriel to jump slightly. But she then got an odd urge to look at the creature through Dairy, so she slowly reached for the elevator door that would take her into Dairy.
The river of molten butter tugged at her feet, but she resisted. The one eyed, one horned, blind, purple people eater stood before her. Buteriel gasped as she saw the black jump rope that ran from the creatures back and deeper into the river. Somewhere, past the first floor, the other handle lay in the hand of a greater, butter turner. Just as Buteriel bent down to get some butter to eat, someone tapped her shoulder, back in reality. Then the school's Magicstix Wormwood's voice sounded in Buteriel's ear.
"What the hell is it?" She sounded mad, slightly amused, with a bit of sadness stuck in in place of ketchup. Buteriel returned her mind to consciousness to speak with the Magicstix.
"Its a butter spirit. I'm going to make it talk to me, otherwise I'll throw a fit." She slipped back into dairy. The creature was looking at her with it's one blind eye.
"Hello?" She asked quietly of the thing. When it didn't answer right away, she began to scream. It put its fingers in its Shrek like ears and dropped the sack it had been holding. While reaching down to pick it up the thing upended into the river, when it bobbed above the surface it cried in a voice very much like Abuttersens,
"Buteriel, my messenger brought you the sack! Now take it Cheddar damn you!" Buteriel simply shouted some more at this. But she did bend down and pick up the sack before returning to reality and stopping her fit.
She sat cross legged on the ground and put the sack on her lap. She then eagerly opened it, felling much the same way she did at Christmas. First she pulled out a long, fancy scabbard. Inside was a Cheddar spelled steel, elongated spatula. Buteriel pulled it out and practiced a couple dueling moves with it, it was good. Much better balanced than the schools uninspired utensils. After replacing the spatula, she pulled the other thing out of the bag. It was a leather bandolier, and belt to hold the spatula. The bandolier had seven tubular pouches, ranging from the size of one of those orange bottles used to keep medicine in, to the size of a small pickle jar. Out of the top of these stuck mahogany handles. Buteriel opened one of the pouches and pulled on the handle. Out came a silver butter knife. It's blade was coated with creamy butter, the fumes wafted out and made everyone sleepy.
"Ran, its the sleeping butter." She commented. She then replaced the butter knife. Magicstix Wormwood looked shocked and stared at Buteriel.
"But these are the tools of a butterimancer, yet there are cheddar marks on the handles! How can this be?" She had dropped back into her formality obviously. "Butterimancy is Soy Magic, not governed by the charter."
"Father was different. He wasn't a butterimancer, nor a normal cheddar mage. He was Abuttersen. Now I'm afraid he's trapped in Dairy. And is body lies somewhere in the Oldcheese Kingdom. I think. I must go there and find him." The Magicstix sighed, then spoke.
"I had a vision. That one day, you would pass the Lego Wall into the old cheese kingdom. You should go prepare for your journey."
"Yes." Said Buteriel. "I should." With that she got up, put on the spatula belt and Bandolier, and walked through the doorway. Suddenly there was a loud crash, She had accidentally walked into a closet. Buteriel returned looking slightly dusty. With a frown she walked out the right door.
A/N I would like to thank Queerquail and Wild Blood Rose for their reviews (My first ever, yay! :D ) To answer your questions: No, I'm not JUST rewriting the book, I'm following it, but not word for word. And yes Buteriel will be slightly bratty. TO clarify what death has become: Death (the river) is "Dairy" A river of melted butter consisting of nine floors. The dead are referred to "The butter" and Free magic is "Soy Magic".
or the cheese the eater?"
-The Book of the Butter
Chapter 1
The rabbit had been squashed only minutes before, by a very heavy book. The book had catapulted out of a window. The rabbits eyes were still intact, and were slightly glazed, like doughnuts. The only problems were its flatness, and the blood staining its usually clean fur. For it's owner was a neat freak and the poor beast had just escaped a bath.
A tall, oddly pale young woman stood over the messy excuse for a rabbit. Her dark black hair (obviously a dye job) hung over her face, hiding the disgusted look on it. By the Cheddar! She thought, I wonder who'll clean up this mess. She wore no make up yet, her compact had fallen from her hand when she nearly trod on the book and rabbit. The only jewelry she wore was a pin, stuck haphazardly on her very retro school uniform. The pin said "Buteriel, 6th form Perfect". This proclaimed her to be utterly perfect in every way.
She nudged the mess with her boot. Nothing happened. She nudged it again, still nothing happened. Finally she gave up and proclaimed it dead. She looked up from it to admire the front of her school. A heavy wrought iron gate surrounded it, at least it looked like iron, but on closer inspection one would see it to be only fiberglass. A sign hung next to the gate, written on it in really cheesy mock gothic letters was:
" Wyvern College, established in 1652 for young ladies,
Who want to act look and smell like rich snobs.
And learn Cheddar magic. And who like dragons."
Pinned beneath the sign was an ad for homemade soap.
Butteriel wasn't looking at the sign. Nor was she seeing how much soap cost. She was looking at the small girl who had just flipped over the fence, ignoring the open gate next to her. It was the rabbits owner, Jacass. She saw Buteriel, the book, the rabbit, then screamed angrily,
"What did you kill bunny for, Buteriel?!" Buteriel looked shocked then realized what this looked like. Oh well, she though, I guess I'll have to bring it back. With that she crouched next to the bunny and closed her eyes.
Jacass stopped short, Swirls of steam were beginning to flow around Buteriel. Also what looked like melted butter was flowing up from her feet and slowly drenching her entire body. She suddenly lurched forward and fell on top of the squashed bunny. Jacass shouted again, but Buteriel stood up and grinned. She then pulled out a top hat, and out of that pulled Bunny, all happy and peppy and jumpy and smelly and.
Buteriel sat in her privet study that she shared with a random hobo. She was feeling guilty, not about making Jacass happy, but for going into the river of Dairy, where all spirits passed before reaching the final resting place. She had promised her dad, Abuttersen, that she would not bring anything back. Not unless he approved, because, they always say, "Betcha' can't bring back just one!" And it was just as easy to bring back a person, and they couldn't have Jacass's dead grandma running around now could they? No, she would try and knit them all argyle socks!
Anyway, back to Buteriel. She was sitting in her favorite puffy armchair, waiting for her dad. Actually, not him in a corporeal way. When the moon was full and high in the sky, her fathers head would appear floating in the giant crystal ball Buteriel kept on her coffee table. Then they would talk.
Buteriel always had to do things just so while waiting for her dad. First she would pour herself a cup of tea, smash it, pour another, and drink that one. She would then balance the empty cup on the arm of her chair and read Spot goes to the beach, while waiting for the moon to rise. (Buteriel was waiting, not spot.)
Buteriel was looking forward to Abuttersen's next visit. She had just graduated and needed to talk about what she was going to do after school. Ms. Umbrella, the head mistress had suggested that Buteriel go to a university. Ms. Umbrella was particularly fond of Buteriel. Probably because her father had lotsa dough, and Buteriel was good at acting like a rich snob. But anyway. So Buteriel was sitting reading.
" 'Lets go!' said Spot..." Buteriel mumbled to herself. " 'I want to go now..." Buteriel was just drifting off to sleep when someone pounded on her door.
"Open up, its the police! Dun dun duuuuunnn! No actually its me, Owlwin. I opened the outside door, even though I'm not supposed to. Then I let in this really evil and foul butter spirit. Thought you ought to know. It's getting ready to eat us." Silence. Buteriel leapt up, threw open the door, (squashing Owlwin against the wall) and ran into the little 1st form girls dorm room. Once in there she began to run towards the open door at the other end.
She knocked down a lava lamp, producing a shout from one of the girls. She stopped short when she saw... the thing at the end of the dorm. It was awful it was the.......one eyed....one horned....blind.....PURPLE PEOPLE EATER!!!! The girls began to scream as the thing began advancing on Buteriel, growling to itself while clutching a bag to it's chest.
"My precious....stupid fat hob- oops wrong movie. GRROWWL!" This caused Buteriel to jump slightly. But she then got an odd urge to look at the creature through Dairy, so she slowly reached for the elevator door that would take her into Dairy.
The river of molten butter tugged at her feet, but she resisted. The one eyed, one horned, blind, purple people eater stood before her. Buteriel gasped as she saw the black jump rope that ran from the creatures back and deeper into the river. Somewhere, past the first floor, the other handle lay in the hand of a greater, butter turner. Just as Buteriel bent down to get some butter to eat, someone tapped her shoulder, back in reality. Then the school's Magicstix Wormwood's voice sounded in Buteriel's ear.
"What the hell is it?" She sounded mad, slightly amused, with a bit of sadness stuck in in place of ketchup. Buteriel returned her mind to consciousness to speak with the Magicstix.
"Its a butter spirit. I'm going to make it talk to me, otherwise I'll throw a fit." She slipped back into dairy. The creature was looking at her with it's one blind eye.
"Hello?" She asked quietly of the thing. When it didn't answer right away, she began to scream. It put its fingers in its Shrek like ears and dropped the sack it had been holding. While reaching down to pick it up the thing upended into the river, when it bobbed above the surface it cried in a voice very much like Abuttersens,
"Buteriel, my messenger brought you the sack! Now take it Cheddar damn you!" Buteriel simply shouted some more at this. But she did bend down and pick up the sack before returning to reality and stopping her fit.
She sat cross legged on the ground and put the sack on her lap. She then eagerly opened it, felling much the same way she did at Christmas. First she pulled out a long, fancy scabbard. Inside was a Cheddar spelled steel, elongated spatula. Buteriel pulled it out and practiced a couple dueling moves with it, it was good. Much better balanced than the schools uninspired utensils. After replacing the spatula, she pulled the other thing out of the bag. It was a leather bandolier, and belt to hold the spatula. The bandolier had seven tubular pouches, ranging from the size of one of those orange bottles used to keep medicine in, to the size of a small pickle jar. Out of the top of these stuck mahogany handles. Buteriel opened one of the pouches and pulled on the handle. Out came a silver butter knife. It's blade was coated with creamy butter, the fumes wafted out and made everyone sleepy.
"Ran, its the sleeping butter." She commented. She then replaced the butter knife. Magicstix Wormwood looked shocked and stared at Buteriel.
"But these are the tools of a butterimancer, yet there are cheddar marks on the handles! How can this be?" She had dropped back into her formality obviously. "Butterimancy is Soy Magic, not governed by the charter."
"Father was different. He wasn't a butterimancer, nor a normal cheddar mage. He was Abuttersen. Now I'm afraid he's trapped in Dairy. And is body lies somewhere in the Oldcheese Kingdom. I think. I must go there and find him." The Magicstix sighed, then spoke.
"I had a vision. That one day, you would pass the Lego Wall into the old cheese kingdom. You should go prepare for your journey."
"Yes." Said Buteriel. "I should." With that she got up, put on the spatula belt and Bandolier, and walked through the doorway. Suddenly there was a loud crash, She had accidentally walked into a closet. Buteriel returned looking slightly dusty. With a frown she walked out the right door.
A/N I would like to thank Queerquail and Wild Blood Rose for their reviews (My first ever, yay! :D ) To answer your questions: No, I'm not JUST rewriting the book, I'm following it, but not word for word. And yes Buteriel will be slightly bratty. TO clarify what death has become: Death (the river) is "Dairy" A river of melted butter consisting of nine floors. The dead are referred to "The butter" and Free magic is "Soy Magic".