DISCLAIMER (Again): Shall I make a list of the things I don't own? Maybe it would be faster to list what I do have: 9 colors of Playdoh (Hey! Who stole the black?!), a singing hamster (kung-fu fighting), and a Lego pirate (yarr). So, in other words, I don't own the Iliad. Well, technically, I own two frickin copies of said epic, but Homer's the one that wrote it. Oh, and I didn't write the Bible either, in case you were wondering. And FYI, Tiresias is a blind prophet guy (who apparently used to be a girl…don't ask) that pops up in several Greek plays like Oedipus and such, none of which I own. Ok, now read!
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BOOK 2:
OLYMPUS
Zeus, who is feeling especially mischievous, decides to send a dream to Aggie. But not just any dream; it was an evil Dream of DOOM, which basically tells mortals to do stupid things.
Zeus: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA! I know! I'll send an evil Dream of DOOM to Aggie telling him to go attack Troy (because they haven't been doing that for the past NINE YEARS). Then all the Argives…Danaans…Achaians…what do I usually call them again? Forget it! All the stupid Greeks will die and Achilles will finally stop whining! Hey, Dream!
Dream: Yo.
Zeus: Go disguise yourself as that old Greek Nestor and tell Aggie that I'm really on his side so he'll attack Troy. But the really great part is, I'm not really on his side! Isn't that a hoot?
Dream: Word.
So the evil Dream goes to Aggie and convinces him to muster the Achaians against the Trojans. Meanwhile, Zeus laughs evilly and mutters, "Psych!" Aggie, unaware that Zeus is just messin' with him, decides to mess with the Achaians a bit. After waving his big stick…I mean scepter…around a bit, Aggie tells the Greeks that Zeus told him to give up and go home.
Achaians: Yay! RUN AWAY!
Hera: Wait a sec! This isn't supposed to happen! All the stupid Trojans are supposed to DIE!
Athena: *Sigh* Am I the only one who does anything? Fine, I'll go tell my buddy Odysseus to stop everyone from leaving.
So, Athena gets Odysseus to give the Greeks a pep talk before they can run for home and they all say, "Oh, ok, we'll stay."
Achaians: Oh, ok, we'll stay.
Well, all except one guy, who heckles Aggie instead until Odysseus threatens to beat him up, then does beat him up with Aggie's big stick.
Heckler guy: Aggie is stupid and greedy. Why are we still following this guy?
Odysseus: No talking smack about the king! Take that! Now shut up!
Heckler: Owie. *Whimpers* Yes, master.
Odysseus: That's what I thought. Now, come on guys, Zeus promised we would beat the Trojans in the tenth year of fighting, so it would be kinda stupid to give up now.
Aggie: Hey, I was just kidding about that whole retreat thing. Let's go kick some Trojan butt!
Achaians: Huzzah!
Homer: Well, this book isn't nearly long enough, so I think I'll add a little part describing each Achaian leader, where they're from, how many troops they have, how the troops like to wear their hair, how they like their eggs, and a short life story and genealogy for everyone involved. Let's see…
"Attai begat Nathan, who begat Zabad, who begat Ephlal…."
Ferret: No, you idiot! That's from the Bible, which hasn't, by the way, come out yet.
Homer: Um, well…I meant to do that! And besides, Tiresias is getting tired of the whole blind prophet gig, so I thought I'd give it a try by predicting lines from a future work of literature. Yeah.
Ach: Whatever. Get back to me already.
Homer: Hey! You're not even in this book!
Ach: *pouts* Mo-om! I thought this epic was supposed to be about me!
So, anyway, it turns out that there are a ton of Achaians there (Who, by the way, prefer hard-boiled and a nice French braid overall. It may seem like a lot of work before battle, but the braids really do keep the long hair out of the long-haired Achaian faces.).
The Trojans, feeling left out, decide that if the Greeks got to include a census, then they should get one too. Turns out that there are a ton of them as well (The majority of which, incidentally, liked their eggs scrambled and their hair in a stylish mullet.).
The reader, having fallen asleep about ten pages ago, hopes none of this is on the test.
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And that, my friends, is the end of Book 2. Thanks to Blair for the mullet and thanks to all my reviewers (Even the itchy one, although my rating is only PG. Thanks for the gloves, though!), especially the ones I bribed…I mean…Look! Something shiny! Hey, it worked for Zeus…
Keep those reviews coming! Pretty please? Maybe next chapter I won't be so lazy and I'll actually thank people individually. It could happen!