DISCLAIMER: Do I really have to keep doing these things? I mean, it's not as if Homer's going to pop out of his possibly nonexistent grave and sue me for mocking his epic. Oh, well, I've said it twice and I'll say it again: I do not, nor do I want to (no offense, Homer buddy) own the Iliad. For good measure, once again I do not own Lord of the Rings, either, although if I did I'd be very rich by now. Huzzah.
This chapter has a rare moment for the Iliad, where someone actually has a bright idea. It also features that stupid girl that started the whole war, storytime, Trojan Man, and (finally) Helen herself. Trojan Man, for those who are not of the US or really don't get out much, is the mascot for Trojan brand condoms. How could I not put him in the Trojan War?
BOOK 3
PLAINS OF TROY
Random Greek soldier: You know, I think we've done more talking in this war than actual fighting.
Nearby, another Greek soldier inadvertently stabs himself in the foot.
Random Greek soldier: Hmm. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Paris, who is nancing about on the Trojan side in a nice leopard-print outfit, is feeling neglected.
Paris: Okay, I started the whole stupid war for goodness sake! What do I have to do to get some press around here?
Some Trojan soldier: Maybe do some fighting once in a while (ahem…you worthless pansy…)
Paris: Haha! I can take on any Greek out there! And I'm the prettiest!
Menelaus: Hey, jerk! You're the one that took my woman! Bring it on!
As a young boy who opens his closet door late at night only to find that therein resides a cranky looking Bogeyman quickly wets his pants and hides under the bed, so too did Paris wet himself and flee behind the Trojan lines at the sight of an angry Menelaus.
Paris: Dang! Hector, I'm gonna need some new armor.
[Horse whinnies] Random voiceover: TROJAN MAN!
Random person: Look, it's Trojan Man!
Hector: What? Who are you? Clearly I'm the only Trojan worth mentioning here.
Trojan Man: Did I hear that somebody needs protection?
Paris: Actually, I was talking about body armor, but hook me up! I'd rather be with Helen than out here anyway. A person could seriously break a nail out here. And everyone smells terrible.
Hector: Paris, you good-for-nothing ninny! I wish someone would kill you already!
Reader: Actually, so do I. That might end the war. Plus, he's pretty annoying.
Hector chases away Trojan Man with a pointy stick (there can be only one), then brandishes it at his little pansy brother.
Hector: You are seriously making us look bad. The Achaians are already making fun of our mullets; we're never gonna hear the end of this.
Paris: Okay, okay! I'll agree to duel Menelaus for Helen. Now stop poking me!
Hector: Huzzah! A good idea at last! Why didn't I threaten him sooner?
Hector tells all the Trojan soldiers (who had apparently been fighting all this time) to sit down and talk amongst themselves whilst he tries to give the Greeks the news. Eventually Aggie realizes that the Trojans are being much easier targets than usual and calls his troops to a halt.
Aggie: Hmm. All the Trojans have sat down and Hector's walking towards us with his pointy stick sheathed. Maybe he's trying to tell us something…
Hector: Sheesh. About time. How 'bout we all sit down and let Paris and Menelaus duke it out over Helen. That way, we can all stop dying, the best man gets the girl, and my annoying brother will most likely die. Win, win, people!
Menelaus: Shoot, I could beat that pansy with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back. While on one leg. With a monkey on my back. And--
Aggie: Okay bro, we get the point.
Menelaus: Right. Like I said, buh-ring it!
MEANWHILE, in TROY
Helen: Oh, how I miss my husband and my homeland! Maybe I shouldn't have run off with Paris just because he said he had a Playstation 2. And it is annoying that he thinks he's prettier than me.
Old Trojan Men: Dang, she's pretty!
Old Trojan Men's Wives: Stop ogling, you jerks! She's half your age! You never look at me like that! *Smack!*
Old Trojan Men: OW! Stupid women. Helen may be pretty, but she's causing us way too much trouble. Not to mention a war. I wish she would just leave.
Priam, ruler of Troy: Yeah, well, I keep wishing my son Paris would just leave, but no dice. Besides, I prefer to blame the gods for bad things. Chances are they had something to do with it.
OLYMPUS
Hera: Hey! I heard that! Zeus, can I smite him? Huh? Can I?
Zeus: NO! No smiting!
Hera: Curses. Foiled again.
TROY
Priam: Helen, honey, you look lonely. Come talk to Uncle Priam.
Helen: Technically, father-in-law Priam.
Priam: Whatever. Wow, we have a great view of the battle we seem to be losing from here. Who's that big, tall Greek there? He's so buff; he must be a king.
Helen: Oh, that's just my brother-in-law-once-removed Agamemnon. But we all call him Aggie cuz we're too lazy to say his whole name. Plus, it annoys the ever-chafing pants off of him. It's always fun to make him angry. Oh, and for some reason he seems to be the one in charge.
Priam: Good to know. What about that shifty-looking one down there?
Helen: That's Odysseus. His shiftiness is legendary.
Homer: Read the Odyssey! Read the Odyssey!!
Priam: Hmm. That was weird. Anyway, who's that other buff guy over there?
Helen: That's Big Ajax. There's another one somewhere, but after years of being called "Little Ajax" I think he's developing a complex or two.
Little Ajax: *Whimper* The voices! Make them stop!! *bursts into tears*
(to cow:) What're you starin' at, punk?! I am NOT little!!
Cow: *snickers in a bovine fashion*
Helen: You know, Priam, if you're really curious, you could just ask all the Greeks to wear nametags. I mean, they seem to enjoy giving introductory speeches anyway. They'd probably be flattered.
Herald: Yo, Priam! You've got to go down to the battlefield for the duel between Paris and Menelaus over the woman.
Helen: I am right here, buddy.
And so Priam goes down to the Plains of Troy, where the warriors hold the obligatory sacrifice before the duel can begin.
PLAINS OF TROY
Cow: Dang.
Little Ajax: Haha! Take that Satan! Who's little now, huh?
Hector: Okay, now get ready to rumble! First, do paper, rock, scissors to see who gets to go first.
Menelaus: Rock!
Paris: Paper! I win!
Menelaus: Nuh-uh! How does paper beat rock? That's just stupid.
Hector: He may be stupid, but he still gets to go first.
Paris: Yeah! … HEY!
Hector: Storytime, guys!
All the soldiers quickly grab their teddy bears and blankies and sit down in a huge circle on the field. Paris, who is determined to stall as long as possible, takes 30 minutes to get his armor on, while Menelaus taps his foot impatiently.
Everyone: GET ON WITH IT! Big Ajax's attention span isn't that long!
Big Ajax: Ooh! Can I burn something?
Little Ajax: Mmm…fire…FIRE! In my head! Make it stop! AAAAHH!
Paris: Well, excuse me for trying to get the look right. And I think I broke another nail trying to get the breastplate on.
Finally the fight began. Actually, they circled each other for a while, waving their respective pointy sticks. But eventually, Paris throws his pointy stick straight into Menelaus' shield.
Shield: Ow.
Menelaus: Ha! Missed me!
Shield: Speak for yourself. I've got a pointy stick embedded in me.
Next, Menelaus casts his pointy stick at Paris. The projectile busted a hole through the shield of Paris, but he quickly executed a triple axle spin move, narrowly dodging the spear.
Shield: Ack! X_X
Paris: Boo-yah! I knew those ballet classes would come in handy! Not to mention the interpretive movement and ice dancing!
Menelaus quickly draws his sword and hacks at Paris. Paris is surprised.
Paris: Hey, now! Aren't we done?
Fortunately for Paris and unfortunately for everyone else, Menelaus' sword breaks from whacking it against Paris' hard head…er, helmet. Undeterred, Menelaus grabs Paris' head and swings him around by the helmet. Unfortunately, Paris' patron goddess, the meddling Aphrodite, breaks the strap that has been keeping the helmet on. She carries Paris to his bedroom, leaving Menelaus all befuddled and very disappointed.
Menelaus: Where'd he go? So, I win, right?
Greeks: Huzzah!
PARIS' BEDROOM
Aphrodite: Paris, you wait here and look pretty. I'll go get Helen. Cuz right now would be a great time for some lovin'. Shoot, I'm the goddess of love; anytime's a great time for some lovin'.
Aphrodite goes to Helen elsewhere in the city and disguises herself as a mortal.
Aphrodite: Helen, Paris wants to see you. He's lookin' finer than usual, more like he just came from interpretive movement class than from battle.
Helen: You can't fool me, Aphrodite! Would you stop messing with me? Why don't you go be with Paris, huh? I've had enough of that pansy.
Aphrodite pulls a Galadriel and suddenly goes all tall and scary.
Aphrodite: Girl! Do you forget that you are talking to a GODDESS?! Do what I say, or else!
Helen: *Gulp!* Yes, ma'am.
And so the lovely Helen goes to Paris' bedchamber and proceeds to mock him (you go gurl!)
Helen: Aren't you dead yet? My old hubby would've killed you dead if your little goddess hadn't saved you. And how many times did you wet your armor today?
Paris: Just three. And I was actually on the field today! Now get over here!
Helen: Well, okay.
[horse whinnies] Random voiceover: TROJAN MAN!
Helen: Trojan Man?
Paris: Not again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well that was fun. And surprisingly long. Sorry about that. In case anyone was wondering (and I didn't make it clear), Helen and the stupid girl who started the whole war are indeed two separate individuals. And I don't mean Aphrodite. On second thought, referring to Paris as such might be an insult to girls everywhere.
So, how was it? I have low self-esteem! I need positive reinforcement! And let me know about Trojan Man. Was he stupid, or should he make a return cameo?
Thank you reviewers! Specifically to (if you didn't review, you might wanna skip this part):
ten miles til midnight (Dream says "logos")
Trinity Day (I really don't know, but I figure I'd rather be safe than sued…by…someone), Yuna (I want a Playstation!)
Rough Stuff (I was actually gonna put three snaps in Bk 1, but I thought people might be confused)
Zith (Hephy prolly won't show up until like Bk 18, so don't hold you're breath. I think I did dumb it down a bit…better?)
Sugarjet Erin (too bad the Achaians didn't get a bigger part in this one)
Sufferer (Yay mullets! As a wise person I know says, "Business in front, party in the back!")
summergirl63088 (pfft! Who really stays awake in history class?)
chemistry babe (alas! Smeagol didn't make an appearance!)
and chimchimery (doom, not pooh! Grrr!)
for reviewing before I finished this book! Gasp! I don't know if I want to do all that again…but I probably will. Because you all rock.
Until next time!