DISCLAIMER: Hooboy. It's time for another installment of the pointless disclaimer. Or for a change of pace I could use this space as an opportunity to ponder on the ephemeral nature of existence: i.e., why am I still wasting everyone's time with these disclaimers when everyone knows that I do not own the Iliad (or Monty Python or Douglas Adams or the Oresteia by Aeschylus while I'm at it)? Why can we not spend our fleeting moments on this mortal coil on more important endeavors, such as shameless Paris bashing? (No, I don't own Hamlet either.) And why are all my Oreos gone?! Tell me! I must know!!
BOOK 4
OLYMPUS
Zeus, once again feeling bored, mischievous, and slightly horny as usual (okay, the last part is fairly irrelevant and generally goes without saying for Zeus), decides to play with fire and incur the dreaded Wrath o' Hera. A dangerous combination indeed.
Zeus: Hey, hon, check it out! I can juggle three fireballs at once!
Hera: Remind me again why I married you.
Zeus: Well, sis, I was pretty much the only guy in existence, except maybe our father Cronus and our brothers Hades and Poseidon. You know Poseidon has terrible breath and, well, everyone hates Hades. Plus, I'm definitely the most handsome and powerful guy in our family.
Hera: Ah, incest. No wonder we're all so messed up.
Zeus: Hey, I wonder if I could balance some fire on my head…hmm, was I supposed to be doing something right now? Oh, yeah, inciting wrath. Hey, Hera, wouldn't it be great if the Greeks and the Trojans could just get along? They could all sit around a huge campfire and sing Kumbaya…ooh! And make s'mores!*(see A/N below) Troy could survive and Menelaus could take Helen home!
Everyone: You know what? That actually does sound like a good plan. Why don't we do that?
Hera: Whatchu talkin' bout, Zeus? This war's been going on for like ten years now. It'd be a shame to quit now before all the Trojans die!
Zeus: Sheesh, woman! Bloodthirsty much?
Hera: Yes. Your point?
Zeus: Fine. I'll let Troy bite the dust, but I get to destroy one of your favorite cities next time!
Hera: Yeah, whatever. I'm sending Athena to get the party started again.
Hera, confident once again in the demise of Troy, sends Athena down to the battlefield to stealthily put an end to the truce that had been called for the duel. Athena was also supposed to pick up some milk and pita bread while she was down there, but she always forgets to stop by the Demeter's Bounty grocery when in Troy.
Upon descending to the Trojan lines, Athena quickly spots a particularly gullible-looking soldier and proceeds to poke him with a conveniently discarded pointy stick after disguising herself as a fellow Trojan.
PLAINS OF TROY
Athena: Hey, you!
Gullible Trojan (aka Pandaros, but who really cares?): Mwha?
Athena: Yes, you, stupid…I mean, brother-in-arms! You know what would be great? You should shoot that sucka Menelaus while he thinks we still have a truce! Then he'll be dead and you'll be famous and all the ladies will love you! There will be absolutely no chance of this backfiring or risk of negative consequences. Scout's honor!
Gullible Trojan: Umm…okay.
Athena: Pfft. As if I was a scout. Of course, I was born fully grown from my father's head, so I may have missed out on a few childhood activities. Like s'mores…
Gullible Trojan: Huh?
Athena: Nuthin. You didn't hear anything. I'm definitely not a goddess in disguise that is plotting your downfall. Now go shoot Menelaus, already!
Gullible Trojan: Okay.
And so Pandaros the Gullible shoots an arrow at Menelaus as he stands unsuspecting before the Greeks. Athena, who is apparently the only god that does anything, deftly deflects the speeding arrow. This would normally be a good thing, except that Athena ironically deflects the arrow into Menelaus' body. Since Menelaus is a bleeder, he staggers around spurting blood for a while, asserting that it was just a flesh wound (which apparently it was).
Aggie, overcome with fear at the sight of Menelaus's condition and nausea at the sight of all the blood spurting out, despairs at the prospect of losing his dearest (albeit only) brother. Collecting his wits, however, he delivers a beautiful impromptu eulogy, incorporating the answer to life, the universe, and everything, as well as an excellent recipe for dip.
Menelaus: I'm not quite dead yet.
Aggie: Poor thing. I can feel the life draining from your body.
Menelaus: Actually I feel much better now. I could even do a little dance around…I feel pretty, oh so pretty!
Aggie: Okay, okay! Please stop the dancing! I think I'll go write down that eulogy so I can use it when you really do die.
Menelaus: Haven't you read the Oresteia? You so die before I do.
Aggie: Laalaalaa…I can't hear you!
Athena: Ahem. Aren't you guys supposed to be fighting now?
The truce now broken, the Trojans and Greeks (with the exception of Menelaus, who has gone back to singing showtunes) reclaim their pointy sticks and proceed to wave them in each other's general direction.
Greek soldiers: I kinda liked storytime. Why do we have to fight again?
Trojan soldiers: Yeah! And we never got around to the Kumbaya!
Aggie: DIE TROJAN SCUM! Heeyah! *begins karate chopping Trojan butt*
Soldiers: Awww….
Aggie decides to get the troops pumped up for battle, so he walks up and down the lines giving the occasional pep-talk and calling people cowards.
Aggie: Come on, you pansies! Let's go do what we came here for and kill some Trojans! What are you standing around picking your noses for?
Odysseus: Excuse me? Did you just call me a pansy?
Aggie: Um…of course not, buddy ol' pal…I was talking to the less scary-looking guy next to you. Let's be friends. So…about that battle…
[Insert graphic battle scenes here. Many famous warriors which no one has heard of are killed by other famous unknown warriors. Much spilling of entrails and fighting over corpses abounds.]
Greek soldier: My corpse!
Trojan soldier: No, mine!
Greek: But I killed him! I should get to take his shiny armor and various items of jewelry for myself. Ooh! A choker!
Trojan: But I'm related to someone who knows a friend of his! His corpse is mine!
Greek: Mine!
Trojan: Mine!
You get the picture. This continues for some time until one side is able to recover the body without leaving too many more lying around.
Greek: Yoink! Our body now! Hehe. You stink! Your mother was a—Ack! X_X
Soldiers: Sigh. Here we go again...
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A/N: *s'mores: Don't know if everyone's heard of s'mores and Kumbaya. The anonymousness of Trojan Man was a cultural eye-opener. Let's just say that Kumbaya is a nice "let's be friends" camp song and s'mores (some more à s'more) are very tasty. Chocolate + Marshmallow + Graham cracker + fire/microwave + pointy stick (optional) = gooey goodness. Drat, now I want some. Mmm… fire…
Woo! Glad I finally got that off my chest. Now this should keep those pointy sticks out of my face for a while. Sorry in advance if the next post takes longer than a week again. I always think, "I'll do it on the weekend," and before I know it it's "Where'd that weekend go again?" You know what I'm talkin' about.
Now, about those reviews… Wow, where'd all those come from? There's no way I bribed all you guys! Yay for self-esteem boosters! Anyhoo, I'm doin the whole "Thank you" thing again, so feel free to skip on down to the little "review" button thingy. If enough people tell me to stop I might, but I figure that if you guys take the time to review, I may as well take time to respond. (Tell me if you don't want a reply.) So, big breath…
Thank you especially bigly to:
mama gilly (Hey, don't look at me…it was all Homer. Cept maybe Trojan Man…I think that was added later by the Romans)
Trinity Day (Hmm…maybe TM isn't so much a mascot as an imaginary ad spokesman? I actually saw a Trojan commercial yesterday and had to laugh. I love it when people give their favorite lines!)
Stinky Pete (I'm glad the simile was appreciated, although to be more accurate I'd have to put about four of them in every chapter. And make them a couple lines longer. And then a couple more.)
Pointy Stick (Dude. Your name rules. Truly from the mind of an intellectual giant. No worries Stickperson, this parody is for Iliad lovers and haters. I'm prolly somewhere in the middle…perhaps leaning more towards one side…)
Zork the Unbearable (Randomness is like string cheese. Yep.)
ten miles (Haha! I have abbreviated your name! Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in 'miles' you get slime? Boy I need more sleep. I think you're right about poor TM, but he might accidentally slip back in the story later on.)
Hermia's Muse (I hope you mean funny ha-ha and not funny you should be wearing a straightjacket. Actually, both might be okay.)
Haname (Very highly extremely unlikely that I'll do anything on the Odyssey, although I've been trying to convince someone else to give it a shot. Actually, I read it fairly recently and noticed that my version at least wasn't as easily parodiable-yes, I did just make up another word-as the lovely Iliad. But hey, if I can do this, drunken one-armed monkeys prolly could, so anyone may as well give it a try. And clearly, being a pest can get results. Pester on!)
Aeriel Ravenna (It's awesome that you read this without having read the Iliad! Make sure to point out anything that needs more explaining.)
Katja the German Spy (Normal is relative, really. Ha! Someone implied that I'm normal! Huzzah! Reviews are fun, aren't they?)
Annie (Whoa. My parody used for educational purposes? That's just mind-boggling. I can just imagine some student asking if they really had s'mores in the Trojan War.)
Have I mentioned that you guys rock? Or that I have low self-esteem? REVIEW S'MORE! Por favor?