DISCLAIMER: Homer seems like a nice guy, really. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I borrowed his characters, storyline, CD collection… you know. Just for a bit. I promise to give them back only slightly scarred for life. Really, it'll be fun! Also, the Crocodile Hunter and whatever else I accidentally threw in that doesn't belong to me…doesn't belong to me. Yesh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOOK 5
PLAINS OF TROY
Athena, who like her father gets bored easily, decides that things are too quiet on the western front and tries to think of a way to stir things up. She happens to see Diomedes, a mighty Greek warrior who, incidentally, no one seems able to remember. Giggling diabolically, the goddess concocts a plan to devastate the Trojan ranks: set Diomedes on fire and shoo him out into the middle of battle.
Athena: Hey you! What's-your-name!
What's-his-name: The name is Diomedes, you know. I am one of the greatest of the Greek warriors! Why doesn't anyone know my frickin' name?! Sheesh…just because Odysseus has his own epic and Aggie has a play or two…
Athena: Yeah, whatever. Listen, have you ever thought of wearing your hair in flames? I know it sounds drastic, but I really think it would bring out the crazy in your eyes.
Diomedes: Huh? Fire? FIRE! Why is my head on fire?!! AAAHHH…Oh, wait, it doesn't hurt at all…
Little Ajax: (pops up out of nowhere) Fire? Did somebody say fire? Where?!
Diomedes: Shut up! You're not even in this part!
Cow: (Chases Lil' Ajax from field) Moo!
Athena: Thanks, Bessie. (to Diomedes): Of course it doesn't hurt. The blinding fire emanating from your head is to intimidate the enemy, not fry your brain—assuming there's a brain in there somewhere. Now go out there and scare the pants off of those Trojans with your flaming self!
Diomedes: It's always "hey-you do this" or "what's-your-face do that." All I'm askin' is for a little recognition here. After all, I slaughter just as many people as the other heroes. In fact, more than most!
Athena: Fine…Diomedes…you're on my Top Ten Favorite Mortals list. Now will you please go kill some more Trojans?
Diomedes: Woohoo! Take that Odysseus! I'm Athena's favorite, too! Time for the Trojan scum to feel my fiery wrath! Hey…did she call me stupid?
So Diomedes, always happy to oblige the gods (especially when it comes to killing things) but still slightly confused, marches out into the fray, slaying Trojans left and right. Oddly enough, this seems to tick off the surviving Trojans, who prepare to strike back at the rampaging Greek hero. However, Athena the Wise and Warlike sees this coming and plots for a way to make the playing field less even. Spotting Ares watching over the battle, Athena employs the tried and true diversionary tactic of the ancient Greek gods.
Athena: Hey Ares! Look! Something shiny!
Ares: Shiny? Ooo! Was it a sword? I love things that are shiny AND pointy!
Athena: Yeah, sure. A big, pretty, sharp sword. And it went thataway… Away from the battle….You'd better hurry if you're going to catch it!
Ares: Come back, preciousss! Where's the shiny preciousss?
With Ares out of the way, Athena and What's-his…er, Diomedes inspire the Greeks to drive the Trojans back. Like a rampaging rugby team plowing through a sculpture of a taunting Frenchman composed entirely of wet toilet paper, so the flaming Diomedes devastates the damp-trousered Trojans. Or are they wearing manly skirts? Regardless, the Trojan lines become more and more squiggly as the soldiers flee the Fiery Hairdo of Doom in fear. That is, until one Trojan warrior gets a brilliant idea.
Trojan soldier: Boy, that flaming fellow sure is causing us a lot of trouble. Maybe I should shoot him or something?
And so, aiming his bow, the ingenious soldier shoots an arrow into Diomedes' mighty but flameless shoulder. Giving a loud whoop of triumph, the elated Trojan yells encouragingly to his comrades.
Trojan soldier: I got one! I actually hit something!! …I mean, um, now that I have brought low the mighty soldier that has been decimating our forces, we will surely be victorious this day!
Diomedes: It's just a flesh wound. Actually, that didn't even sting. Would someone take this splinter out of my shoulder? It's crampin' my style. You there, lackey! Take this arrow out so I can go kick the butt of whoever shot me! And get me a danish (mmm…pastry) while you're at it!
Now arrow-free, Diomedes prays to Athena (again, the only god that does anything) to give him the strength to wreak his vengeance. Athena, being in a generous mood, grants Diomedes the power to see the normally invisible gods as they blatantly interfere on the battlefield.
Diomedes: Hey, where'd you come from?
Athena: You can see all the gods now, genius. Now remember, mortal: gods = scary and powerful, so if you see one coming at you, run away! Except my dear sister Aphrodite. Feel free to stab her; she's a pansy. The way she wails every time she breaks a nail…
Diomedes: Right-o! Stab everything in sight. Gotcha!
And so Diomedes proceeds to do so, slaughtering Trojans left and right and collecting the shiny things that fall from their corpses (a favorite pastime of any self-respecting hero). After a while, the great Trojan hero Aeneas notices the minor bloodbath that seems to follow in Diomedes' wake.
Aeneas: Poseidon's Pointy Purple Pitchfork!! (a popular exclamation in Troy) Someone shoot that guy already! Shoot him!!
Familiar brilliant Trojan soldier: I tried! He barely even noticed it! And now he's trying to kick my butt!
Aeneas: Hmm. Well. Stinks to be you.
Trojan soldier: Hey, wait! You're supposed to be a courageous fighter and leader! Help me out here!
Aeneas: Alright, alright; keep your skirt on…we can go after him together. I'll drive, you ride shotgun…er, bow and arrow. (A/N: Dunno how widely used it is, but "shotgun" refers to the passenger seat…American slang is an interesting thing.)
Working as a team, the two Trojans drive their chariot after Diomedes. His Greek comrades wisely counsel him to squeal like a young pig squashed by a herd of feral woodland cows and flee battle like everyone else, but the flaming hero merely stands his ground and smiles wickedly in anticipation of new victims to stab. Hoisting his spear, the luckless Trojan marksman flings his pointy stick at Diomedes, piercing his apparently flimsy shield and thus voiding the warranty.
Trojan soldier: Haha! I definitely got him this time!
Diomedes: Nuh uh, fool! (singsong voice) Neener-neener-boo-boo! You can't hit me!
Still doing his happy victory dance, Diomedes hurls his Athena-powered Trojan-seeking spear at his enemy, effectively shish–kabobbing the expendable Trojan. Aphrodite's son Aeneas, however, still has his own epic to star in and perhaps a civilization to found and therefore is not allowed to die just yet. Nevertheless, things are not looking good for the pious Trojan hero as Diomedes approaches him wielding a boulder the size of Aggie's ego. Diomedes hurls the boulder at his foe and strikes Aeneas in the hip, miraculously not killing him or scarring him for life.
Aeneas: Owieeeeee! I want my mommy!!!
Diomedes: Ha! I have defeated him at last!
Aphrodite: Yoink! Got my son!
Swooping down from above and grasping her wounded son, the goddess of love attempts to carry Aeneas to safety. Unfortunately, she doesn't count on Diomedes, who recognizes the pansy…er, delicate goddess thanks to Athena's intervention and switches into Goddess Hunter mode.
Diomedes (Australian accent): Today we're on the trail of the very elusive Aphrodite, goddess of love. There she is! Crikey, what a beaut! Now, you want to stay clear of most goddesses you run into, since they can be pretty dangerous when cranky. However, this one is perfectly harmless. Just a little bit closer…
Thrusting his trusty spear, Diomedes impales the lovely goddess' wrist, causing her to drop Aeneas and get immortal blood all over her newest set of pink lace robes.
Aphrodite: WAAAAHHHH!!! I want my daddy!! Wait, do I HAVE a daddy? WAAAAHHHH!! There's a gaping hole in my wrist, I dropped my son, AND my best robes are RUINED!! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get ichor out of pink lace?!
Fortunately for Aeneas, who faced a long fall onto a long pointy stick or two, Apollo intercepts the plummeting Trojan and whisks Aeneas away to safety.
Diomedes: Curses! Foiled again!! I'll get you, Aphro, and your mortal son, too!
Wisely fleeing the battle (and always hating when people called her "Aphro"), Aphrodite runs to her big brother, Ares, who is resting on a conveniently-located comfy cloud to recover from his frantic search for his shiny preciousss.
RANDOM COMFY CLOUD
Ares: Preciousss? Have you seen the shiny, pointy preciousss? Mussst…fiiind…
Aphro: Aaa-reeees!! Focus! Some stupid Greek guy has immortally wounded me. Now I won't be able to wear bangles on this wrist for at least a week! And just look at these robes! (sobs)
Ares: Duh…that's why I always wear black, stupid – in case I happen across a battle I want to meddle in. Now scram, sis! I'm trying to look for something shiny and you're dripping blood all over my new sandals.
Aphro: But A-res! I need to get to Olympus and I couldn't possibly swoop in this condition. Can I borrow your wheels?
Ares: Fine, fine, take my chariot. But you better not scratch the paint!
So Aphrodite steers the chariot to Olympus and goes running for her mommy, Dione.
OLYMPUS
Aphro: (sobbing) Mom-my! That big, mean Greek man stabbed me and ruined my outfit!
Dione: Now, honey, don't worry too much about it. Happens to the best of us. Just remember, dear, he'll get his comeuppance one of these days.
Aphro: Comeuppance?! But I want him to get the smackdownance!!
Dione: That too, dear.
Aphro: Mwahaha! Excellent.
Dione: Careful, hon, you're starting to sound like Hera.
Hera: (swooping in with Athena) You rang?
Aphro: Speak of the devil.
Hera: So, I heard you got beat up by a mortal.
Athena: Poor little Aphro, getting picked on by big, bad Diomedes!
Hera: You know, if I didn't know that I make those mortals tremble in their little sandals, I would say your weakness gives us goddesses a bad name.
Aphro: Hmph. It's no wonder that the sight of your face frightens mortals. Its hideousness could probably turn men to stone.
Athena: Oh, ouch! Good one!
Hera: (death glare) At least men fear me rather than try to stab me! Pathetic weakling! Even Zeus thinks you should leave the battle to those of us with backbone and stick to being a divine homewrecker.
And so the lovely Aphrodite flees with sobs and the occasional honk whilst Athena and Hera continue to taunt and fart in her general direction. Meanwhile, on the battlefield, Diomedes continues to wreak his favorite kind of havoc: the violent and bloody kind. Once again Diomedes sets his sights on Aeneas, except this time the mighty (if slightly disheveled) Trojan is being guarded by Apollo.
PLAINS OF TROY
Diomedes: RARRR!! KILL!!
Aeneas: Eeeee!! I mean…Oh no!
Apollo: You have to go through me to get to him!
Diomedes: RARRR!! KILL ANYWAYS!!
Apollo: Um, hello? I'm a god, remember? BACK OFF, MORTAL!!
Diomedes: …um.
As Diomedes wisely (it happens to everyone once in a while) retreats to avoid catching the fatal Apollowrathitis, the god swoops off and deposits the highly discombobulated Aeneas on a nearby mountaintop where Diomedes can't reach him. Meanwhile, he sends an Aeneas-shaped wind-up doll into the fray to keep the Greeks busy. Rousing Ares from his quest for the shiny thing, Apollo sends the war god to meddle on the plains so he can take a breather on the sidelines.
SIDELINES OF TROJAN PLAINS
Apollo: Whew! I sure did a lot of swooping today. Who do they think I am, Athena? Go, Ares go!!
Aeneas: Huh? Where am I? Wasn't I about to die?
Apollo: Hey, Aeneas ol' buddy! Just in time to watch the show!
Aeneas: Apollo? What the…? Is this another one of those weird dreams where I go into battle naked?
Meanwhile, back at the battle… Ares, fierce and powerful god of war, is doing his part to aid the Trojans in their battle…delivering a ferocious pep talk.
PLAINS OF TROY
Ares (incognito): Hey, ya pansies! Stop running away and get fighting already!
Sarpedon: Yeah, Hector! I thought you were supposed to be the defender of our city! Just because I'm Zeus' son doesn't mean I can fight this war by myself! Or are you afraid of breaking a nail like Paris?
Paris: I resent that!! How dare you imply – EEEWW!! There's dirt on my manly skirt!
Sarpedon: Haha…so much for manly. Now, fearless leader, get out there and fight before I taunt you a second time!
Trojan soldiers: Peer pressure!! Peer pressure!!
Hector: Ack!! Stop the taunting! Okay, okay…let's fight, men! To the death!
Soldier: …and what were we doing before? Fighting til naptime?
Paris: Did somebody say "nap"? I could really use some beauty sleep about now…
Hector: Poseidon's Pink Polka-dotted Panties! (a lesser-known variation on the popular Trojan exclamation) Hasn't anyone killed him yet?
Greeks: Workin' on it.
Hector: Well work a little harder! It can't be that difficult. And you Trojans, try to kill the Greeks while they're trying to kill Paris! No! Stop asking Big Ajax for his autograph! Sheesh. The proper procedure is to kill one of his close friends and take their armor as a souvenir.
SIDELINES
Apollo: Haha! Good one, Hector! Way to disembowel those Greeks while keeping up a witty repartee with the troops! He's always been one of my favorites, you know. After you, of course. Nobody knows how to give a sacrifice like Aeneas.
Cow: (disgruntled) Moo.
Lil' Ajax: Fire! Set it on fire!! What'd you call me, fool? What do you mean this skirt makes me look fat?! Waaaahh!
Cow: (confused) Moo?
Apollo: This place has really gone downhill. It used to be so exclusive – well, pretty much just me – and now they're letting all this riffraff wander around. That spotted fellow over there smells odd…
Aeneas: Um, I'm all better now…shouldn't I be down there fighting?
Apollo: Oh, yeah! Get back in there, ya lazy bum! (shoves Aeneas back into battle)
And so the battle rages on, neither side giving ground while both sides lose countless warriors.
PLAINS OF TROY…AGAIN
Homer: (running around battlefield with notepad and seeing-eye goat) Must…record…biographical info! You there! Before you kick the bucket, I'm gonna need to know your name, lineage, friends list, homeland, major exports, serious allergies, favorite pets, –
Soldier #1254: My….Ack! XX
Homer: Dang it!! Why aren't they taking longer to die! It's just a few spears in the gut, for crying out loud!
Fortunately, Homer knows many of the warriors by smell, and is able to compile a sufficient amount of biographical data to lull any remaining readers into unconsciousness…again. Meanwhile, in the midst of battle, two long-lost relatives confront each other.
Tlepolemus: Haha! You can't possibly defeat me; I'm the son of Hercules and grandson of Zeus!
Sarpedon: Oh yeah? Well I'm the offspring of Zeus himself!
Tlepolemus: What?! Are…are you my mother?
Sarpedon: (spluttering) Of course not! (ponders) Maybe we're cousins?
Tlepolemus: Ooh! How 'bout you're my stepfather once removed?
Sarpedon: Oh, who cares?! Can we just fight already?
The battle between Zeus' progeny is fierce, but much shorter than their introductory speeches. The two warriors hurl their spears simultaneously, each hitting their mark.
Sarpedon: Ow!! Daaad! Help, there's a spear in my leg!
Tlepolemus: Granddad!! My neck hurts— XX
Sarpedon: Woohoo! I beat him! Praise be to my father!! …Um, could someone help me get off the ground? Besides getting trampled, I'm a little uncomfortable looking up everyone's skirts.
While Sarpedon is being carried to safety, Hector and bloodthirsty Ares lead the Trojan forces, pushing the Greeks back (and sometimes sideways when Ares thinks he spies his shiny preciouss). Spotting the turn in the tide of battle, Hera and Athena swoop to Zeus to tattle.
OLYMPUS
Hera: ZEUS! That Ares is meddling in battle again – which I wouldn't dream of doing – and killing all the poor, innocent Greeks. We should definitely smite him! Smite!!
Zeus: Fine, fine…just get Athena to do it. Smiting is so much work, and she likes that sort of thing anyways.
Thrilled to actually have permission to meddle, both goddesses proceed to employ their strategy for motivating the waning Greek forces: a brutal taunting.
BACK TO PLAINS OF TROY
Hera: Come on you lazy, ugly, worthless pansies!! You guys can't do anything right without Achilles holding your hand, can you? My grandma could fight better than all of you put together!
Athena: Um, Hera? You didn't have a grandma.
Hera: Huh? Er…you know what I meant! You all stink! Literally. Whew! Just because we're in a war doesn't mean you have to stop bathing.
Athena: Yeah. And you, Diomedes! I expected better of you. Compared to your father, you're a chicken! Backing away from the Trojans…
Diomedes: But, but you told me to! You told me not to attack Ares and he's leading them! Plus, my hair fire went out a while ago and I just don't feel as intimidating.
Athena: Details, details. Forget what I said; just fight him anyways. You'll be fine…
Together, Diomedes and Athena set off into the mêlée to battle Ares, who is roaming the field and stripping shiny things from corpses. With Athena guiding him, Diomedes thrusts his pointy stick right into the war god's gut. Shrieking in a masculine manner, Ares takes his turn to tattle:
OLYMPUS…AGAIN
Ares: Daaad!! [Zeus hears that a lot] Look what Athena did! She and that stupid Diomedes stabbed me!! How come Athena can do whatever she wants and never get in trouble and you don't even blink when my guts are falling out?!
Zeus: Well, the truth is…I really don't like you. If you weren't my son I'd tell you to get your intestines off my floor and get out, but since we're family I'll get the healing god to fix you. But you have to clean up the mess…I'm not mopping it up!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whew!! Finally got this gorilla off my back! Sorry about the length…I think this chapter turned out a bit differently than the others, maybe closer to the actual plot (gasp!). Please let me know what you think! I love getting reviews from you guys, even when they make me feel REALLY guilty for not finishing sooner. Speaking of which, a big THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU to:
Katja, German Spy- Fuzziness is what I'm all about. And fieriness. Look! You're mentioned in the credits again!
Yuna- Cool! I hadn't heard of the Batraetcetera…I'll have to find it somewhere! Thanks for the info!
glorwen-Hehe…sorry about the degrading part. I did check out your story; very interesting. Good luck with your writing! And if you wanna talk stupid titles, take a look at mine! Oh, well, stupid is relative, as I always say.
Haname- Sorry to keep you waiting so long! I definitely don't want to start another parody before I finish this one! Sheesh. I wouldn't mind doing one on the Odyssey, but dang! I'm only on book 6 now! Yup, I'm definitely a Douglas Adams fan, and of course Monty Python. I have to work a lot to get the wording just the way I want it (hence the slow update), but most of the jokes just come to me when I read through. Would you believe that some people think I'm weird? Craziness, I tell you.
Sugarjet Erin- Crazy Greeks…the whole incest thing is very scary, not to mention confusing. I'm having the hardest time keeping track of who is whose brother/father/uncle/whatever. Ah, well.
sogol-I bet it's bean dip…or maybe ranch. Hehe. I never understood how they go rifling through corpses without getting killed. Then again, all those shiny things have got to be hard to resist…
BrandyBuccaneer- Fiery? Me? Well, maybe a bit…bwahahaha!!
Risk- Eeevil, huh? Right up my alley. Wow…Iliad, Odyssey, Antigone, Aeneid, and Iliad all in 8th grade? Sounds evil to me. An evil party of doom.
Hermia's Muse- Ack! No crying!! Man, you're good at the guilt trip thing! Sorry about the delay!
Susan- Thanks for all the constructiveness in your reviews! After a bit of after-the-fact research, I'm pretty sure the Iliad (750 BC methinks) actually was before the writing of the Pentateuch, but they are both really old. I hope I'm not still being confusing with the narration; I know it's kind of awkward sometimes. Pointy sticks…not sure where that came from, but probably some dark and confusing part of my mind. There were a lot of spears in this chapter, which are indeed pointy sticks, but I kind of alternated back and forth so it (hopefully) won't get too tedious. Haven't seen TM in a while, but next time I do I'll get his autograph for ya. Ah, the gods, what would mortals do without them? Probably live longer. Hmm…couldn't work in the rose petals, but hopefully you liked the Gollum bits in this book. Apparently he can move from host to host. Update yourself! Mwaha!
Porqu llora Smeágol?- I'd say the Iliad would've been much easier to read if I didn't keep trying to read on my bed after midnight. It's not so good for concentration. I'll work on sticking Smeagol back in, although Ares was definitely channeling Gollum this chapter. Shiny preciousss… As for Paris, probably a bit of both, really. It seems to me that several of the characters (including Hector) really do imply or straight-out say he's a pansy, but he's also one of my least fav characters since the war is basically his fault. Alas! I have to wait a bit longer to see Troy, but it should definitely be interesting, even if nothing like the Iliad.
The Two-Tailed Cat- Here is more, as requested! I hope the next more won't take nearly as long…
Silver Whirl- I'm planning on going as far as possible, but you can tell from the pace I'm writing that it might take a while (argh!). I can definitely sympathize about having to read the Iliad several times, as well as the neverending dialogue. I think Lil' Ajax is my fav character right now, so he'll probably pop up several more times where he doesn't belong. I love your character assessments for Paris and Achilles! True, true. You're also right about the dorky epithets…I haven't been putting in enough of them or the similes to keep up with Homer. Alas! I shall try to stuff more in next chapter!
D6- Yeah, I couldn't find anything like this when I read it the first time, so somehow I ended up doing it myself. Go figure. I really wish I wrote faster, though! I hope The Aeneid is fun. I read most of that last semester while I was struggling to write this chapter, I believe. Are you reading it in a different language? Coolness.
Bird of Prey- I sense that you have also read the Iliad. Homer sure does like to put a lot of names in there, doesn't he?
miabubble-A hero, huh? Fiery Ferret to save the day! Kind of clashes with the doom, though. Ah, mullets, sure to brighten any day. Homer is a great guy for letting me pick on him so much!
Julieanna- Aww…now my story and I feel loved! I bet your mom wouldn't believe you if you said the Iliad was what's so funny. Hope you liked the update!
Well, that's it for Book 5! I plan to start the next one immediately (unlike last time), so let me know what you think soon! Tune in next time for Hector's conjugal visit…and I believe there's a bit of Helen as well!